I started off my final teaching on Ephesians chapter 6 with a quote from the epic movie, “The Usual Suspects” (because I’m old but I am also cool and Bible study can be cool!) that goes like this:
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist.
This is a true saying. Most of us make two errors when it comes to spiritual warfare. We either see it everywhere or don’t notice it anywhere. We either underestimate the spiritual realm or we overestimate it. Some of us live so out of step with the Spirit that our discernment of patterns and events has become muted, like the volume is turned way down on the spiritual reality around us. Others of us tag a “no weapon formed against me shall prosper” from Isaiah 54 on anytime we’ve proved someone wrong, recovered from a stomach bug or almost missed a flight but then didn’t.
My husband always says, if you’re not getting shot at, you’re not in the war. It’s possible that in our woeful carnality, we can miss the spiritual battle taking place around us. It’s also possible that we are constantly feeling “under attack” when in fact what we are simply finding ourselves living out consequences or living in a sinful fallen world where people are going to sin against us and stuff is just gonna go wrong. Scripture tells us that spiritual warfare (general) is a consistent reality, but also that spiritual attacks (specific) can be expected in the life of a believer.
We know that we have the victory in Christ, because He was victorious over sin, death and Satan, but at the same time, we also know that these things are still a reality, and they still trouble us this side of heaven. Christ came into the world to overcome sin, to overcome death, and to overcome Satan, but He also came into the world so that sin, death, and Satan would be overcome in our lives. And thát He has given us the power to do. But that overcoming is a progressive reality for us, not an instantaneous reality and that is very often where the battle lies. Yes, we have the victory in Christ, but we need to appropriate that victory to our own battles as His Kingdom comes more and more in our own lives.
And so, because Satan cannot undo the work of the gospel for our sake, he will want to undo its manifestation in our life. The enemy cannot destroy us but he can distract us, diminish our progress, damage our testimony and derail our maturity. And this understanding of his game plan (Eph 6 v 11), also helps us understand the key places where we might experience a spiritual attack, namely:
Our identity
Our purpose
Our territory
Our unity
Identifying specific areas of spiritual attack:
A spiritual attack will often take place in these areas of our lives because these are the areas where, specifically, we are called to glorify God and experience Him, where Kingdom dynamics will mean we engage so differently that salt and light become evident. These are also the areas where we can expect God to be at work in our sanctification. So you see, the battlefield is clearly laid out.
Identity:
as we find more and more our identity in His acceptance instead of that of the world, as we find ourselves more and more desiring to bring him glory in our purpose and work instead of ourselves (Eph 2 v 10),
Purpose:
as we shift from selfish ambition (Phil 2 v 3 – 4) to kingdom-minded service (Matt 6 v 33), from success to faithfulness, from status to significance, from fan to follower.
Territory:
as we take ground in our families, breaking past generational patterns, making disciples, healing from the past and stepping into new places of Kingdom effectiveness, particular places of fruitfulness and breakthrough and finally
Unity:
as the closest relationships in our lives start to reflect more and more the unity through the bonds of peace (Eph 4 v 3) and a love that is different from that in the world around us (John 13 v 35) that the Bible calls us to!
In these areas, we are called to be specifically watchful (1 Pet 5 v 8) using the protections afforded us in Scripture (Eph 6 v 14 – 17), on our guard against the devil’s chief weapons, namely lies and deception, attacking them with our single biggest weapons – the Word and prayer (Eph 6 17 – 18) when we find ourselves under attack!
Discernment markers of a spiritual attack
Ok so it’s a word I made up ok, I don’t know if “discernment markers” is an actual thing, but it’s the best way for me to describe the below points as things to prayerfully take note of in a particular season that may indicate we are experiencing a spiritual attack.
An exhaustion of our critical thinking
An incapacitating lack of soundness of mind and or body
Events of calamity that seem to form a pattern or seem insidious, with often a specific starting point or trigger
An atmosphere of pressure or oppression
A sudden and noticeable lack of the sense of righteousness, peace and joy that are ours as members of the Kingdom of God (Rom 14 v 17) .
An unshifting sense of condemnation instead of conviction, a pattern of thinking that brings you to doubt of your salvation.
Unexplained yet abnormal difficulties in key relationships, for example, a distortion of communication between people or consistent miscommunication that cannot be clearly explained.
Of course, this list is not exhaustive, they are from my own and collective experiences in ministry these last 2 decades, from what I’ve observed in scripture – for example in the story of Job, and from talking to people ahead of me on this journey…..and simply on looking back at this year it has helped me understand some of what has occurred in my own life. And please note, this is not a formula. God’s Spirit does not work in formulas. He works in patterns and principles, signs and promptings, rhythms and roadsigns. In our struggles, His goal is our refining, perfecting, maturing (James 1 v 4), and conversely, the devil also has a goal when our days of disaster come – our discouragement, derailment and ultimate deception.
The truth is that often we will not know if we are being refined, attacked, punished or tempted. We will need to rely on God either way, lean into His Word for a quickened word (rhema – a particular word or verse – which is the word Paul uses in Ephesians 6 to describe our sword) to wield against attacks on our minds, our hearts, our people and places, and hold up the shield of faith – what Paul says we need “above all” (Eph 6 v 16) – because faith has the power to produce dynamic results (Mark 9 v 23). God’s word is pure, and He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him (Prov 30 v 5). I hope you can find as much refuge in that as I have these last few months.
You only have to spend 30 minutes on Instagram or Pinterest to become acutely aware that you are not effortlessly whipping up gooey gluten-free brownies or whipping off to the South of France at a whim in your #oldmoneychic capsule wardrobe. And to add insult to injury, you and I both know that the likelihood of either of us trying that pinned ab workout or test-driving that kale smoothy for breakfast with our kids is pretty slim too. So just a little bit of “downtime” on social media has the immense potential to make us feel not only like our kitchen is blah, our wardrobe is bland and we have nothing to look forward to, but also to make us feel like in inadequate wannabee at the same time whose friends are all living their best lives while we roam around in last seasons sneakers. Thank you Third Industrial Revolution.
What is meant to inspire has not only enslaved, indebted and indoctrinated us, but it has also made many of us ungrateful, dissatisfied and stuck. And social media is not the only culprit – although it’s a big one. Hand in hand with easy access loans, our ongoing competition with the Jones’ (everyone has “that one family” right?) aggressive marketing tactics and celebrity culture, it has normalised things that aren’t even normal, like custom kitchens, wardrobes that seem bottomless in their #ootd options, professionally organised closets and perfectly filtered vacations. And it has – from what I can see – successfully morphed the aspirations of even the most down-to-earth among us into thinking, well, if only I had MORE of this or a BETTER that or LIVED here and VACATIONED there. I have become more and more aware of the restless discontent that marks so many conversations that I am in, conversations with people just like me, who in truth (and certainly in the SA context) have very very little to complain about and much much much to be grateful for. Our cravings have pierced us with many pangs (1 Tim 6 v 10) and we not only live like that’s normal, justifiable even, but these cravings are costly – most especially in terms of our relationship with Jesus. Maybe this is why the Puritan preacher Jeremiah Burroughs spoke of “The rare jewel of Christian contentment”. A restless discontent is at the root of so many of our struggles. Our debt. Our dissatisfaction in our marriages and other relationships. Our disproportionate (again, considering our context) ingratitude over the roofs we have over our heads, that we may finally be satisfied with if only we could put in those screed floors or stacking doors. For many of us contentment seems not only unrealistic but also, sadly, unimportant.
But if your life, like mine, has changed drastically in the last 4 years, you have maybe discovered, as I did, that what the Bible says about contentment is not only fascinating but certainly worth deeper consideration. Paul – in the famously misquoted verses of Phil 4 v 11 – 13 tells us that he had learned to be content both in the worst of times and the best of times, in being degraded and being exalted, in having more than enough and in having too little. And that this learning is based on being strengthened by Christ. And the writer to the Hebrews warns us in Heb 13 v 5 to keep our lives free from the love of money and be content with what we have based on the promise of the presence of God.
From these 2 verses, let’s unpack what contentment is, and isn’t!
What contentment is…….
What it isn’t……..
Contentment is utter dependence on God and delighting in Him as a daily decision.
Contentment is not legalism or some inverted spirituality
Contentment requires supernatural strength (see point 1)
Contentment is not something we will gain in the absence of God’s help
Contentment is trained within our circumstances and is not independent of them.
Contentment is not stoic independence from our circumstances or obliviousness/ pretend disregard of trial and difficulty
Contentment is learned in diverse circumstances
Not learned in buying into the prosperity gospel and believing that a Christian’s life graph must only ever go “up and to the right”.
Contentment is contingent on dealing with our love for money
Contentment is not acting like we don’t desire anything or have goals or dreams. God knows we have those, but are they rightly ordered below His goals and dreams of us as set out in His word?
Contentment is something that can be learned.
Contentment is not a personality trait or based on a person’s temperament.
Contentment is commanded of all believers
Contentment is not something for only hyper-spiritual or super-disciplined people.
Contentment is independent of our circumstances. It is, more than just being happy with what we have but is, above all, being thrilled that we have him.
Contentment is not finally getting to a place where our lives are finally perfectly balanced, the bucket list and the bank account are looking good. Discontentment is a product of our striving, so even the best circumstances will not breed in us contentment.
Contentment is learned in seeing our greed for what it is, seeing Jesus for who He is, and ordering and surrendering our desires and cravings under His Lordship and worthiness.
Contentment is not “settling” or acting like we don’t have desires or cravings.
Contentment is a satisfaction dependent on the person and promises of Christ.
Contentment is not satisfaction dependent on a particular outcome.
Contentment is learning to trust God despite our circumstances.
Contentment is not mere shallow positivity despite our circumstances.
“My brethren, the reason why you have not got contentment in the things of the world is not because you have not got enough of them. That is not the reason. But the reason is because they are not things proportionable to that immortal soul of yours that is capable of God himself. Many men think that when they are troubled and have no contentment, it is because they have but a little in the world, and if they had more then they would be content. That is just as if a man were hungry, and to satisfy his craving stomach he should gape and hold open his mouth to take in the wind, and then should think that the reason why he is not satisfied is because he has not got enough of the wind. No, the reason is because the thing is not suitable to a craving stomach.” – Jeremiah Burroughs, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment
But can we really be content…..like, really? To be honest, I am not sure. But I for one desperately want to be! So I have come up with some personal methods to practice contentment that I am happy to share with you:
Learn to tell yourself the truth. For me that has not meant necessarily setting aside things I long to have or do, it has meant simply accepting that, in this season of my life, there are things that I can’t afford to care about. It has become somewhat of a mantra for me. This has been particularly helpful for me in light of the lifestyles of friends who are not in self-funded ministry as I am and therefore have more disposable income than I do.
Interrogate your aspirations in light of the truth of God – not the “truth” of the world. We cannot make what we strive for a higher priority than a pursuit of the Kindom of God (Matt 6 v 33), nor make the achievements of those aspirations the bar for our personal peace and satisfaction (Ps 37 v 4). It will be easy to see if we have – if we are willing to do some hard introspection and look past our own justifications about how we have made “desires” into needs. Repent of selfish ambition that may have caused you to become out of step with the Kingdom you are a part of (Phil 2 v 3) and lose sight of it as a priority in both a spiritual and practical sense.
Ask God to give you divinely set aspirations and a desire to view them as something more worthwhile to be gained than anything on your Amazon wishlist (1 Tim 6 v 6 – 8).
Simplify your life. Contentment takes courage in a culture caught up in consumerism and excess.
Delight in God as a daily decision. Maybe take a break from Social media and turn off the Amazon and Superbalist notifications, both of which will give you an endless stream of “things to delight in”. In light of our pursuit of contentment, those are, in the words of Puritan Burroughs, “distracting, heart-consuming cares”.
Wow this blog was hard for me to write! The truth is this is an ongoing wrestle for me. But in some ways, I am glad to be wrestling. I believe it’s better than the alternative.
AW Tozer said, “Contentment with earthly goods is the mark of a saint; contentment with our spiritual state is the mark of inward blindness. ” May – with God’s help – our religious complacency and consumerist striving swap places in our hearts – because we will be, in the end, the sum total of our hungers.
I have wrestled with unforgiveness in some of my closest relationships.
And I know that many of you have too, because when I told y’all that this was the theme of this month’s newsletter on Instagram the questions and comments started rolling in. As believers, of course, we should take forgiveness seriously. But I am not too proud to admit that my own rebellion in this area of my life meant I had wasted many years living a life that lacked the power of God. Here’s why: Because forgiveness is the single biggest power that disempowers Satan. The cross and the empty tomb remember? We can therefore expect many things including personal emotional baggage, yes, cultural narratives about autonomy and boundaries undicerningly and unbiblically applied, to all work to subvert any effort we may otherwise have made to be obedient in forgiving as scripture directs us. The devil much prefers unforgiveness to thrive! Speaking from personal experience, we easily miss the effect this has on us, relationally, emotionally and spiritually. We easily miss that this is indeed an area of spiritual attack, meaning we can expect to be consistently tempted not to forgive and to be justified in it, to boot! But the pragmatic realities of forgiveness is not something we talk about much. so the questions we will look at today include:
How do you know you’ve forgiven someone, like, what does it feel like? Is it simply a choice? How do you know your forgiveness is complete?
I have forgiven, but I am still struggling with triggers and emotions
How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
How to manage the practicalities of having forgiven someone with whom you no longer desire a relationship, because you can’t cut them out of your life (for example extended family or mutual friends etc).
If you are consistently forgiving issues in friendship, how do you know it’s time to call the friendship quits?
But before we go there, here is something important for us to remember:
Forgiveness is more than anything and virtually always an act of obedience. It is one of the few things in the Bible that can both be considered a command and a condition. Jesus spoke about it in plainly in His teaching on the Lord’s prayer, telling us in no uncertain terms: request forgiveness from God only in the context of the forgiveness you yourself have granted (v12), or understand the consequences (v 14 and 15). So if we see forgiveness primarily as an act of obedience, (i.e not an act of justice or fairness, not an act of emotion or even righteousness, not an act of logic or reason) we must admit this: We can’t be obedient to God if we don’t trust that He will do right by us. We often hold on to unforgiveness because we think letting it go lets people off the hook, we hold on to our arguments about justice and fairness, subconsciously acting as though we are better at dealing with this issue than God. Why? Because we don’t trust Him to make things right. And we don’t trust Him because we don’t know him closely and intimately enough. Because remember, you cannot trust someone you don’t know. Often our wrestle with (un)forgiveness is in fact a wrestle with God and what is possibly a perfunctory or superficial knowledge of the only One who knows us fully and yet loves us completely. Struggling with unforgiveness? I have help! Start here!
How do you know you’ve forgiven someone, like, what does it feel like? Is it simply a choice? How do you know your forgiveness is complete?
I think it’s important to just say this: Forgiveness does not come naturally to anyone. Because there is nothing natural about forgiveness. Forgiveness is radical. So if I had to say what forgiveness feels like, I would say it feels like surgery. Like going under a knife and having our right to ourselves, our offences and positions and high moral ground, our ideas about what is good and right and what we deserve, removed. Forgiveness feels harsh and sore. What the Bible says about forgiveness is that our feelings cannot be trusted or relied upon, only God’s mercy can. That is why THAT is the basis of forgiveness and NOT our feelings. And so if you are someone who has made a decision of the will to forgive, this is what is helpful to know: Forgiveness is a practice, a lifestyle – both of which are choices, not feelings. And for most of us, it’s something we might even need to do daily, even moment by moment until the space between the moments gets bigger. To keep going back to God, asking Him to turn our heart of stone into a heart of flesh, to cut away at the self-righteousness and bitterness that wants to keep sprouting up there. That is why I often share about turning forgiveness into a liturgy and a discipline, because as holistic people, we need the physical, mental and spiritual act of re-doing, again and again, so our emotions about what was done to us don’t become our undoing. So yes, forgiveness is a choice – but not a once-off one. Rather one we usually have to make over and over and over again. Forgiveness feels like fitness. Depending on the offence, you are unlikely to ever get to a place where you are “just fine” with what was done to you. If that is the feeling you are waiting for, I think you will wait in vain. But I think when we have made work of the work of forgiveness, the spaces between the moments of wilful obedience in the act of forgiveness, the spaces between you feeling triggered by an event or person and you needing to return to the foot of the cross over it specifically, will become less. And your ability to pray for the person who had made themselves your enemy will become more. And you will know you are done forgiving.
I have forgiven, but I am still struggling with triggers and emotions.
As I said, we are holistic people, so for us to have made the decision to forgive and to still struggle with anger, to still feel triggered and upset, is normal and to be expected. That does not mean that you haven’t forgiven, it just means you’re a human being. One part of this is understanding that we may need to decide to forgive many times over. Many people speak of forgiveness as handing people over to God to deal with, and that is true. But I often add that we are also handing ourselves over to God to deal with. When we have been sinned against the the point where we need to forgive, that means we have been hurt to the point where we need to be healed. And that is God’s domain. Forgiveness is letting go of a hot coal of anger and hurt, and allowing the healing balm of Jesus to come and bind our wounds. So one of the biggest reasons we may continue to feel triggered is that our healing is also a process. Have you taken the time to seek God out for healing from your hurt? Has this been something you have been as intentional about as forgiving the person who hurt you?
Another reason we may continue to feel triggered is that it’s still happening. As believers, we often think forgiveness must mean a restored relationship, and forgiveness must mean trust. It is up to us, in partnership with the Word and the Spirit, to discern how to proceed in a relationship with someone who may be stuck in broken and hurtful patterns of behaviour or who remains unrepentant. In a marriage that may mean counselling, learning to be quick to forgive (remember, I said forgiveness is a fitness) until you are both also learning to simply have better, braver conversations. In friendships that may mean courageously addressing the hurtful behaviour, or maintaining better personal boundaries to protect yourself.
Another reason we may continue to feel triggered is that we have the wrong expectation. Forgiveness will change us, but it will not necessarily change the other person. And often when that is what we had hoped for, we set ourselves up for disappointment and for a cycle of having that list of things to forgive just growing. When we forgive we release the offender, but we don’t change them. But, I do believe that the act of forgiveness creates space for God to move in the lives and hearts of those who hurt us – because otherwise, they stay in jail too (Matt18 v 21 – 35). I have seen this happen – don’t delay forgiving so you can too!
How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
Our forgiveness of others is not contingent on their repentance, simply because Jesus’s forgiveness of us was not contingent on our repentance (Rom 5 v 8). So in one sense the first step for all of us when it comes to forgiving someone is looking at what is happening between us and God and if we are willing to forgive as an act of obedience. The thing is that for most of us, we can just about manage to forgive someone who IS sorry, but when the person doesn’t believe they are in the wrong, is unaware of the hurt they caused, or simply does not care, the act of forgiveness starts to feel near impossible. But here is what I know from personal experience: The cost of not forgiving someone is immense for us, spiritually, relationally, mentally and yes, even physically.
A meta-analysis by Drs Lee and Enright (2019) published in Psychology Today, saw a correlation in the degree to which participants forgave those who treated them unjustly and the following kinds of physical variables, among others: sleep quality, stress levels, physical ailments such as lupus, fibromyalgia, cholesterol and hypertension to name a few.
Unforgiveness affects our authority in prayer and our relationship with God. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness which will have a defiling and crippling effect on our faith and Christian witness (Heb 12 v 14 – 15).
All that to say, unforgiveness has a huge cost. Disobedience to God’s command on this is simply not worth it. In my experience, 9/10 times, the people I have to forgive don’t even know how what they had done or said hurt or affected me and they may even live the rest of their lives oblivious to that fact. But that does not exempt me from forgiving them, because forgiveness is an act of faith and obedience between me and God 100% of the time, and may only be an expressed action between me and someone who owns up to their wrongs 1% of the time.
How to manage the practicalities of having forgiven someone with whom you no longer desire a relationship, because you can’t cut them out of your life (for example extended family or mutual friends etc).
I want to be clear on something here. Jesus himself told us that there is no end to the number of times that we should forgive someone (Matt 18 v 21 – 22). So there is no such thing as coming to a place of wanting to “forgive someone for the last time”.
Then I want to say something about cutting ties. There are many nuances here, but to me, there are 2 situations where cutting ties with someone whom you have forgiven is appropriate:
The one is if it’s required for the safety and protection of you or someone you are responsible for.
The other is where the relationship is so unhealthy that it consistently bests your best efforts at making it healthy or better. You know your own heart and actions, you know what you did and did not try. In my personal example, I have a whole lot of missing casserole dishes testifying to the lengths I went to foster and grow a relationship where the other party just remained stuck in a pattern of jealousy, competing, narcissism and gossiping, no matter what I tried. You know if you tried and you should also know when to stop trying. You can forgive someone and still remove yourself from further hurt.
But most often our situations are not this extreme, and we need to find a way to check our own emotional and mental health and purity of heart both before and after engaging with people that we cannot cut out of our lives without abjectly affecting other people/ relationships or abjectly affecting our own conscience. For example:
Prepare in prayer and debrief in prayer
Ask for help from an ally and wisdom from an accountability partner.
Gauge your emotional, physical and mental capacity to engage and so not to situations where you know you won’t be able to bring your best until you can.
Remember that your forgiveness of them is primarily an act between you and God and your future management of that relationship, whatever form it takes, is also something you will be accountable to God for. So it really is up to us to, for example:
Understand what triggers us and why and deal with it in our own hearts instead of expecting others to change.
Ask for help, support and prayer from those who are walking the path with us.
Take responsibility for our mental health by daily mind-renewal and taking thoughts captive lest sin leads us astray.
Remember, I am the only problem I can fix. It’s up to me to become aware of the devil’s schemes to trick us and trip me up (2 Cor 2 v 11) and manage myself, my personal space and time, and my emotional, mental and spiritual health, accordingly.
If you are consistently forgiving issues in friendship, how do you know it’s time to call the friendship quits?
If you’ve been around here for any length of time, I think you know what I am going to say. That what matters most to God, more even than what we do, is why we do it. If you are considering walking away from a friendship, a thorough bit of self-exploration is called for. Remember as per the previous point, there is no biblical basis for ending a relationship because we have come to the end of our ability to forgive. Scripture, and Jesus himself, does not give us that option. Sometimes, in a friendship, we are the ones who need to change, and we need the sobering guidance of the Word to expose thoughts and attitudes that might need to be addressed in us (Heb 4v12), first, before we look at what we feel needs addressing in someone else (Matt 7 v 3 – 5). Sometimes we need to be honest and say we want to end a certain relationship because we want to avoid God working on us through a difficult person. Just because a relationship is uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it can’t be beneficial. But sometimes, the other person needs to change. The Bible is clear that we are not to pursue a deep friendship with people who will pull us away from Jesus (Prov 12 v 26), that bad company corrupts good character (1 Cor 15 v 33) and that we should not consider any form of meaningful partnership with people who are not believers. None of this precludes us from healthy friendships where we can be salt and light, but it does call us to be circumspect in these and the access we allow to those we walk with. But if you have addressed hurtful words or behaviours and the person has either refused to listen, has disagreed or has not made any move towards improving things, if you have tried to communicate as honestly and graciously with the purest motives you can muster, and things have not improved, it would likely be appropriate for you to create space between you and this person. To forgive in a biblical sense is to recognise and regard someone and their actions towards you in light of and through the finished work of Jesus Christ. This does not require you to continue on in close fellowship with this person. Even if differences have been reconciled after you have forgiven, that does not mean a relationship must continue. An ongoing relationship is not always healthy, called for, nor commanded. But forgiveness always is. It’s up to you to understand what your desire to end the friendship is based on. If you need help navigating a friendship break-up, I got you!
“Those who have been touched by forgiveness and new life and have thus entered into God’s rule become, like Jesus, bearers of that rule.” — Dallas Willard.
The most worrying trend I’ve noticed as I have ministered among believing women is how many even long-time Christian women have difficulty with studying the Word of God in a direct way for themselves. And sadly there is a definite correlation between our lack of biblical depth, breadth and fidelity and our inability to respond in faith to our problems, challenges and our culture.
I get that the Bible is intimidating. Believe me! It’s why I wrote my 5 day free email course, DWELL, to address this very thing. It’s why I designed the Dwell Journal and the “Wandel Joernaal”, to help us push through our intimidation, overwhelm and reluctance around the direct study of God’s word. I know first-hand that devotionals are so much easier to understand, with the content often crafted to answer one specific need or question. And especially newer devotionals feel so much more relevant to us, chiefly because they often make us, the reader, the main character in every single story.
The Bible is no lazy man’s book! Much of it’s treasure, like the valuable minerals stored in the bowels of the earth, only yield up themselves to the diligent seeker.
Arthur W Pink
Here are 4 dangers we are consistently exposed to when we don’t learn to read the Bible for ourselves:
Disconnections & Distance:
Biblestudy is not primarily a pursuit of head knowledge, although, as I always say, you can’t trust someone you don’t know. It is primarily a pursuit of God himself. God’s word is his primary revelation about himself. It’s where he speaks to us most directly this side of heaven. Our time in God’s word should grow not just our understanding but also our intimacy.
Think about it this way: There is a marked difference between the intimate relationship between a husband and wife who spend time together doing both meaningful and mundane things and a teenage romance where the communication consists of text messages and memes. The first and most important danger of our dependence on devotionals is the effect it has on our personal relationship with God. When we think that we should get a specific message out of every interaction with God it robs the relationship of its joy and it becomes unnatural – because it becomes all about feelings and experiences. If marriages were dependent on feelings and experiences they would not last very long.
Our reliance on devotionals has created in us a strange expectation when it comes to “quiet time”. Instead of simply enjoying time with God, we constantly assess if it’s “doing something” for us. Instead of seeing it as intimacy and relationship building, we measure it for its “impact” and “self-help”. But when we ditch devotionals and come to the word with the understanding that we are growing closer to God through it, we allow ourselves to be free to enjoy our relationship with God as the gift of grace that it is. That is so much better than the devotional-driven mindset that causes us to be constantly morbidly introspective about the relationship and whether it makes us “feel good” or what it “does for us”. What if we chose devotion to God over devotionals? Devotion reflected in a dedication to spending time with Him regardless of how “personally relevant” or “exciting” that felt.
Deception:
When bitesized theology is all we have, it only takes someone who dresses in a relatable way and speaks in a confident way to convince and sway us. But if you know your Bible, you will not by swayed by tone and trend, but by truth. If you want to know how to test a teacher, know your Bible. Knowing God’s word for yourself is your best safeguard against false teaching. The blame for the growth of movements such as the New Apostolic Reformation (Bill Johnson and Bethel), the popularity of emergent (Rob Bell) and affirming (Jen Hatmaker) teachers, can be squarely blamed on our lack of Biblical literacy. Even though these teachers and their content present to us a version of Jesus almost unrecognisable from his portrayal in the gospels, we remain unable to apply the scriptural proof test to what they say and write because we simply do not know the Bible well enough!
Here’s something crazy. AW Tozer, in his book THE CRUCIFIED LIFE, spoke about applying a Scriptural Proof Test to “phrases and mottos that on the surface look great but are not rooted in Scripture or that mostly bolster one’s self-image,”. Nearly 60 years after his death, as we see more and more “self-help spirituality” in devotionals and “Christian” books marketed to women, you have to wonder, would any of them pass the Scriptural Proof Test?
If you are using human teachers as the sole means of understanding God’s word, by what will you judge the teachers?
John Piper
Dehydration:
Relying on second-hand revelation as the filter through which we get to know the heart and character of God is like relying on predigested food to sustain us in this marathon that is life. Pre-digested truth will not ultimately feed the truest and deepest longings of our souls and they won’t be enough when the trials come. God’s desire is for us to abide in his word, to actually live there, not to always only rent space from other people who live there.
But so many of us are unknowingly malnourished. And after a while, if we keep skipping meals, a page-a-day devotional here, an inspirational Instagram post there, we eventually do not feel hungry anymore. And it’s when the storms of life come upon us, as they inevitably will, that we realise that second-hand revelation is not enough to sustain us. We should see time in God’s word as a waterpoint, a feeding station for the race we are all called to run. It’s the waypoint we need to persevere because it is where we grow in our (first hand, experiential) knowledge of and confidence in God. That is why David can say Psalm 119 v 11: because I have treasured your word in my heart I can do your will.
Our ability to keep running our race is directly linked to our ability to keep returning to God’s word for sustenance.
Diluted Witness:
The number one accusation made about Christianity is an accusation made against Christians. Against us. That we are hypocrites. And we are. It’s the human condition. Even the people who call us hypocrites are hypocrites. But our inability to apply our faith to how we interact with our neighbours (or the guy next to you in traffic), pay our bills (or don’t pay them), exercise integrity in our business dealings and compassion in our context and, in general, the lack of the fruit of the spirit in our lives, can all be chalked up to us having very little by way of an authentic daily walk with God and a clear picture of what we really need to be obedient to.
This has been my experience. When I have spent time in God’s word and in prayer: It is like putting on a pair of glasses at the start of the day that influence how you see the rest of your day. It changes your expectations, your outlook, and your thinking, and therefore influences your actions, reactions and feelings. When our eyes are opened in that way, we see God operating in our lives more clearly, and we become first-hand witnesses. And our witness becomes authentic, fresh and relevant because it’s not the well-fitting story written by someone else at the start of every devotional chapter but your lived experience of walking with God. What if we tried that every day? Maybe then they will say about us what was said about Peter and John in Acts 4, that we are ordinary people made extraordinary just because we have “been with Jesus” (V13).
A mom reached out to me on Instagram as she was processing disappointment with her child after something they had prayed over just, well, didn’t happen. She ended her message with this statement – why do I keep praying when God has other plans? And I was like, yeah, I so get it!
There is not a mom I know who has not carried the heartache of our kids’ disappointment in them like a wound. And for praying moms it’s a double whammy, right? Because we are at the same time teaching our kids about God and about prayer, wanting to foster faith in them. And let’s be honest when the disappointments (read – unanswered prayers) start stacking up, it shakes our faith, and erodes our resolve to keep praying and Lord God with respect, it makes You a bit of a hard sell. Don’t we all just deep down want a God who will do what we want? There are few things in life that expose our misshaped views of God than our response to unanswered prayer.
We come to everything in our lives with biases and agendas, including prayer, which is simply the nature of being human in a fallen world. And the question, why pray if God does what he wants anyway, speaks to a core lie we believe about what prayer is and who God is. Here’s how Oswald Chambers puts it:
Our common ideas regarding prayer are not found in the New Testament. We look upon prayer simply as a means of getting things for ourselves, but the biblical purpose of prayer is that we may get to know God himself.
Oswold Chambers
Here are 4 truths about prayer that can really help us:
Prayer is about relationship more than requests. You will not have a good relationship with someone that you only ever ask stuff of. We hear it all the time, communication is the key to good relationships. That involves not just speaking but also listening. Have your learned to listen in prayer, not just speak?
Listening in prayer is about reading the word and allowing God to inform and guide your prayers. It’s about getting comfy with silence, making space for God’s spirit to minister to you. And that means it’s about planning and patience too! These things do not come naturally to us but they are all a vital part of building our relationship with God through prayer.
Prayer is transformational – Prayer is not about bending God’s will to ours, it is about Him shaping our will to His. Prayer is about partnering with God. Yes, God is sovereign, He will do what He chooses, but scripture is full of examples of how God chose to work through the prayers of His people. Scripture and hopefully even your own life, has examples of how God brings about His purposes through our prayers.
Prayer is about love. We often pray as though prayer is about convincing God of something, twisting his arm to be on our side. This reveals much about what we think He is really like. What if we started praying not with the conviction that we will get what you want but with the conviction that He knows exactly what we need? And then trusting that? To me that in itself seems like it would be transformative.
The late Timothy Keller said something once that has always stuck with me. “God will only give us what we would’ve asked for if we knew everything He knows.” I know right? Read that again! Here is what I always comfort my kids and myself with:
We don’t know everything but God does. And He loves us perfectly. And He is trustworthy. There is comfort for us in light of unanswered prayers or disappointing situations in knowing that the God who knows everything knows what is best for you or me better than we do.
How are we to respond as believers to everything that is happening in our country? Is there an alternative response that is deeper than “you have to stay positive” and more nuanced than “just trust God?” Most South Africans find themselves in a state of either despondency or desperation when it comes to the state of our nation. There seems to be this corporate anxiety that every water-cooler convo is feeding and every “kuier” around the campfire is stoking. I have found a few things more challenging in the last 3 years than navigating my fear for the future in the context of my faith as a South African. And when I am braving traffic at stage 6 load shedding where it seems everyone forgot how a 4-way stop works, while my food rots away at home in my fridge, it’s hard to feel or act like a Christian, much less think like one.
Listen, the irony that I am writing this to you in a month where we are up to stage 6 load shedding (we all know it’s actually stage 8 right?) and our crime stats have just been released is not lost on me. It has meant that what I share with you here is what I have had to wrestle through and wrestle down in my own spirit first, as I struggled with wave after wave of fear, frustration and hopelessness, same as you.
As believers, we live in this tension, between what we know about life and what we know about God. Between what we see and what we believe. Between faith and fear. And we are always either feeding one or the other. Given greater credence to one or the other. Allowing the one to shape/ influence/ guide us (and our conversations) most, or the other. It’s no wonder we are always called to take our thoughts captive (2 Cor 10 v 3 – 5), to focus on what is good (Col 3 v 2), to practice gratitude and persistent prayer (1 Thess 5 v 16 – 18), to trust in God’s reasonings and abilities over our own (Prov 3 v 5 – 6). It’s for this very reason. Because God knows how fragile our faith is, our egos, and our minds. Because the alternative is for our peace to be completely dependent on and for our faith to ultimately be derailed by our circumstances. I have never come closer to this reality as in this season of my life.
But what does this look like practically, in our feelings and responses around where we are at as a country?
We are afraid:
Let’s be honest. For many of us, this fear is based on facts…on first hand experiences. Many of us represent the actual faces of the actual people that make up the actual (and frightening) crime statistics of our country. I do not talk about fear metaphysically anymore. For me is a visceral thing as much as a mental thing. So please don’t think I am going to flippantly throw around “faith over fear” slogans and just tell you to try harder not to be afraid. I know what it means to be truly afraid for my life and the lives of those I love. But that means I have been confronted with this argument that, because I have a legitimate reason to be afraid, I should have that fear govern my next move. My every move.
But the Bible calls us to live carefully, not fearfully. The Bible uses words like prudent, circumspect and wise when it comes to making decisions. Not fear. Never fear. The only worthy form of fear that Scripture acknowledges is fear of the Lord – i.e having God in His rightful place in my life based on an accurate acknowledgement of who He is. And that tracks, because when (fear of) the Lord is in the right place in our lives – we are not likely to be slaves to any other forms of fear and we are more likely to live lives of practical wisdom and insight (Prov 9 v10) We are often much more knowledgeable of the things we should be afraid of – swopping “did you hear what happened to so and so” stories – than we are of the character and nature of God. We often put fear first instead of putting God first. But what if I allowed what I knew and understood about God to govern the way I live, instead of all the things I was afraid of? I refuse for my decisions to be governed by any fear other than a fear of the Lord. I refuse to have my emotional well-being dictated to me by Load shedding and my spiritual stature to be stunted by crime stats. And I refuse for decisions based on fear to misalign me with God’s will for my life.
“The way we make our anxious thoughts smaller is by making our awareness of God’s greatness bigger. “
Louie Giglio
We feel uncertain:
There are just so many “what ifs” right now. What if the grid does collapse? What if our businesses go under because of load shedding or corruption? What if commercial opportunities dry up and our children can’t find jobs? In fact, “We need to give our kids better opportunities” is one of the key (fear) factors that it the motivation behind people leaving. Uncertainty fuels fear. We as believers can deal with uncertainty not because we know the future but because we know the God who holds our future. We know what He is like. We know what He has purposed for us, not a life of prosperity and pleasure, but a life of passion and purpose inside His providence and provision, even in the darkest times. And we know these are not empty promises because God put the weight of His love behind them when he sent his Son. If he has already done the hardest thing, can we not then trust Him with the details of our lives (Rom 8 v 32)?
The promises of God are not a myopic and thoughtless response to reality, a band-aid for the melancholy of the masses. They are declarations of ultimate truth, ultimate reality, that we can direct our thoughts towards every time someone sends us a doomsday newsletter or traps us in a fear-ridden conversation. They are what is most true about us, even in our circumstances.
It is there, in those moments, that I remind myself (and others) that my children are safest in the hands of an all-knowing God (Ps 37 v 25), that I can trust that He will show me which steps to take when I stay surrendered to Him (Psalm 143 v 8).
We are negative:
How long have we wallowed in this perpetual state of mind that believes that everything is bad? It’s all we see and all we hear. From potholes to the failing Rand, from Andre De Ruyter’s truth bombs to the ANC winning another election – Lord help us. We wonder about how the land appropriation or labour laws will affect our children, how the ever growing public wage bill and grant burden will pressurize the dwindling number of taxpayers and whether inflation is going to turn us all into vegetarians (no offence to the vegetarians). The state of our country (and the world) means news channels are never short on clickbait. If being the spokesperson for Eskom is currently the worst job in the country, then being a journalist is probably the best. And easiest. They have a consistent stream of fodder for their fear machine.
And no doubt, things are very very bad. And there is no indication that they will improve. But when we buy into this idea that it’s ALL bad ALL the time, we risk missing what God is doing. God doesn’t not only work on a cosmic canvas. He is also always at work in the micro and the minuscule, where He knows our meaning lies. That is what we read about in Hebrews 11 v 1 – 4! The Bible does not propose gratitude in all things as a self-care strategy, but because gratitude cements our faith. It makes our well-being dependent on something more than just our circumstances and our eyes open to something more than just the tangible and terrible. That is what faith is after all (Heb 11 v 1). Don’t allow the “everything is bad” narrative to steal your zeal and drain away your readiness to see God at work. When I have gotten stuck in one of those “everything is bad” conversations I remind myself of what my friend Lisa Whittle said, that things can be good and hard at the same time. In fact, it’s what Jesus himself said that in this world we WILL have trouble, but that we can’t take heart, He has overcome the world (John 16 v 44). There is a danger in the lie that we are actually supposed to have this trouble-free life. Or worse that it is our right. It makes us think the goal of life is to exert energy to get rid of all and any struggle or risk or discomfort and it makes us ineffective for God’s Kingdom. Beware the unbiblical pursuit of a trouble-free life dear friends.
“The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer. Because the smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is in the end the one who suffers most.”
Thomas Merton
We feel frustrated:
Probably because we feel powerless. Frustration is a type of energy that pents up in us when we feel there is nothing we can do. Many of us feel stuck in a state of perpetual, anxious disempowerment. But I think we’ve missed a trick.
Jordan Petersen in his study of human nature rightly encourages us to not forsake the good we can do (as does Gal 6 v 10), and yet, every day, we make thousands of choices that place our good (our comfort, our goals, our lives) above the greater good. And that, in the way we foreswear our responsibility to the highest good, we tear something out of the fabric of being that is of inestimable value.
For us as believers, we should feel this more than most. Because we know we are called and sent. Nothing about our lives, not even where we live and raise our kids, is random. Because we are planted in particular places at particular times to accomplish particular things (Eph 2 v 10). Robin Hood said one man fighting for his home is better than 10 hired soldiers. I believe one (wo)man answering the call of God right where (s)he is, is better than 50 overpaid, unproductive civil servants. I believe if instead of moaning and moving we started investing and improving we could do what God has asked all of us to do, which is to expend effort for things to be better because we were here. And I don’t even mean tons of time, effort or money! I just mean a little more than we are expending now waiting for someone to come and complaining that no one is coming! If we spent half the time we did complaining and half the money it takes to move to greener pastures to fill in a pothole, clean up a park or report a traffic light, our communities would start changing. When the righteous thrive our cities rejoice (Prov 11 v10), when we are blessed cities are built up (v 11) and when we pray for our cities to prosper instead of cursing them, we will prosper too (Jer 29 v 7). What if we intentionally supported small businesses and paid our bills on time? What if we encouraged entrepreneurship and creativity in our kids? What if we prayed for civil servants and government officials? What if we took back that park or that street corner? What if we were generous with the people we employed and diligent with the work we’d been given? What if we saw every conversation about the hopelessness of load shedding and the future here as an opportunity to share about where our hope and peace come from?
Only God’s promises can help us look at our realities differently. Only an ever-deepening understanding of His character and nature can help us trust Him more even in all of this. It doesn’t mean we act like these things don’t affect us. But they don’t have to afflict us. Our present circumstances can call us into a greater state of anxiety and distress or into a greater desire and dependence on God. But let’s not kid one another that we don’t ultimately get to choose one way or another. Uncertainty is always an opportunity for greater surrender to the one Who knows the future. And fear is always an opportunity for a deeper faith in the one who loves us perfectly.
And I am praying for you in these things as much as for myself.
..and no, it’s probably not because you’re not trying hard enough.
No shade, but I don’t buy into the new year/ new you nonsense. And that is not because I don’t like resolutions, in fact, I am a huge fan. I have a whole bookshelf full of journals and a stationary bill to prove that a new year does not, in fact, equal a new you. Resolutions contain the matter of our values and aims, and without something to aim for, well, you are just like a guy playing darts with a blindfold on. That’s true.
But, and this is a big but, resolutions in themselves hold no transformative power. The things that kept you from pursuing Christ in His word, putting Jesus first, making time to read or disciple your kids, saying no to that second piece of cheesecake or third glass of wine and yes to a jog around the block are still there. They do not magically disappear because the date changed and you wrote some stuff down.
Our resolutions often peter out by February like a 40-something woman by 9PM. And that is why, so often, we turn back to that neatly written list halfway through a year only to realise: This was just a prop to prop up my fears at the start of a new year. It was all for show. Like a politician’s Bible.
Here’s why I believe our resolutions don’t work:
They address behaviours and not beliefs. We seldom do the deep introspection of asking ourselves why we have allowed our health to diminish and our weight to increase, and what it is behind those 4 pm cravings and the long work day with no time for exercise at the end of which we inevitably drown ourselves in Netflix. Instead, we put “exercise more” and “eat less” on our resolutions for the year. Look at your resolutions today and ask yourself, what kept me from doing these things last year? What is the belief/ lie/ conviction/ attitude I am holding to that is keeping me from progressing? This is something I speak about a lot in the Mommy Diaries because we do this with our kids too. We address the behaviour without addressing the cause of the behaviour and so we don’t give our kids (or ourselves, as the case may be) the tools to actually change.
They can seem very pass-fail. Let’s say we set a goal to have a daily time of devotion. Often the result is that we believe we have only succeeded if we had time in God’s word at 5 AM for 30 days straight. See? Pass/ fail. Which kinda makes you wanna give up, right? Here’s something I think is better. What if instead we gently corrected our priorities (and diaries) so as to gently direct our time and therefore our effort towards putting God first more regularly instead of less regularly? What if instead of setting a finite goal we identified an area where we know we need to do some intentional work and aimed for progress in that area? Then, if you managed 3 quiet times this week and 4 next week, that is a pass, not a fail, if your goal was “Spend more time in God’s word” and not “Have quiet time every day”. Ya feel me?
We try to go it alone. Most often with our white-knuckle-willpower and the latest self-help book under one arm. But life change comes from heart change and heart change comes from God. Your growth in discipline, maturity and character is not a DIY Project. The transformation we seek is valid, but the means by which we seek it are often insufficient. We need Jesus to transform us into His likeness, and resolve alone isn’t enough. The Bible tells us to “commit our plans to the Lord” (Prov 16 v 3), and it’s a verse we love quoting at this time of the year! But here’s where we go wrong: to “commit our plans” does not mean to make our plans, piously pray about them and then go on our way. That word “commit” is the Hebrew word “galal”, which means to roll away or roll down a burden, the way a camel, in order to lay down a heavy load, must kneel down and tilt over so as to roll its heavy load onto the ground. So to commit our plans to the Lord means surrendering them to Him in recognition of our need of Him in every area. How would you approach your goals differently if you had a greater sense of your dependence on Christ?
Our new year’s resolutions most often reflect our discontent. I am not saying there is anything wrong with desiring change but 1) often the change we desire is circumstantial or external and 2) the real power for change actually lies in contentment. Not discontentment. So we enthusiastically (even spiritually) set those – often external, often circumstantial – goals and then say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4 v 14). But if we ever read this often misquoted verse in context this is what we would see: The thing Paul was able to do through the strength Christ gave him was to be content in all circumstances, with a little, with a lot, with abundance or with need. Because THAT is what the strength of Christ is for. The strength of Chris is to power our contentment. Not our discontentment. But, if we read v 11 – 13 we would also see that Paul said he “learned” to be content. Learning implies a process. What would change about your new year’s resolutions if learning to be content was the driver and not your perpetual discontent?
Whether resolutions are your vibe or not, don’t place your hope in your ability to change yourself. Because if that was actually possible, Christ died for nought. If you believe what the gospel tells us about Him and about ourselves, that true transformation is only found in Him, what would you resolve to do this year? How would that truth change the focus of your resolutions from outward to inward?
Need inspiration? I once came up with a list of “what not to do” as my new year’s resolutions: read it here.
Do you battle financial fear in your everyday life? I think, at least post-pandemic, it’s real for most people on some level ( I dunno, maybe not so much for the people who manufacture sanitisers?) The pandemic, for most of us, was like having the carefully placed chess pieces of our lives all thrown up into the air, with every piece coming down in a different place, and many falling on the floor.
The Bible has a lot to say about financial fear. But I think, as is often the case, the way we approach these scriptures sometimes hinders us from truly extracting the transformational value God has for us in His word. Because, as is often the case, we come to the Word of God looking for it to say something about us, looking to it to affirm us and tell us something about ourselves that might help us. When really, what would likely help us most, is not knowing more about ourselves, but knowing more about God, the one we are truly called to trust. As I always say, you can’t trust someone you don’t know! The fact is that we cannot find the solutions to the problems that plague our inner lives with more truth about us. Most of the time, we are the problem. Our inner lives are the problem. Our hearts are the problem (Jer 17 v 9) and we certainly can’t be on the right path by following it. Truth and wisdom are not found in more of us but in more of Him (Prov 14 v 14).
I recently turned to Luke 12 v 29 – 32 to seek comfort for the fears that have plagued me about my own uncertain financial future.
“Don’t strive for what you should eat and what you should drink, and don’t be anxious. For the Gentile world eagerly seeks all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his Kingdom, and these things will be provided to you. Don’t be afraid, little flock, because your Father delights to give you the Kingdom. “
Luke 12 c 29 – 32
Sure, if I were to look at this verse trying to figure out what I needed to do, I would easily see that I needed to NOT STRIVE and NOT BE ANXIOUS. Have you ever tried to tell yourself/ your mind to simply stop worrying about something? Me personally? I have never managed it with any success. And if you have you must be mentally far stronger than me. In my experience, it’s like telling a toddler to stop doing something. Sometimes it just makes them want to do it more. But what if I looked at this verse to tell me something about God? Then this is what I would see, a list of powerful truths about the character, nature and abilities of God:
1. God knows I have fear around money. That is why He tells me to not strive, not be anxious, not be afraid. His knowledge of me comforts me, because through that I know, He sees me, He knows what it’s like inside my head (Ps 103 v 14)
2. He is my Shepherd, that’s why He calls me His flock. If I am the flock and He is the shepherd that means I can look to Him for guidance to pastures that would feed me, and I can say like David in Psalm 23, that if God is my shepherd, I lack nothing that I need.
3. He is my Father. That means I am his child. I have kids, and just like I, an earthly parent, know what my kids need and try to give it to them, God, who is a perfect parent, knows what I need and I can trust Him (Luke 11 v 11 – 13).
4. He is my King. Because, according to this verse, He delights to give me the Kingdom. Only a King can do that. A king can take all the resources of His Kingdom and apply them in accordance with His will. He is able to exert power and sovereignty over all that is in His Kingdom on my behalf. If you, like me, work for yourself, with your work dependent on support and opportunities, then this is immensely comforting.
5. He is generous. The verse tells me that He “gives” me the Kingdom. He doesn’t rent it to me, or lend it to me. He doesn’t wait to see if I qualify. He is generous, thus He gives freely.
6. He is delighted to do it. The verse actually uses that word. I do not have to convince Him, He is not reluctant or unwilling. Actually, this word in the Greek (eudokeõ), means He thinks it’s a good idea, an idea He is well pleased with.
I don’t know about you, but for me, financial fear is an almost daily battle. I am not a salary earner. Neither is my husband. We both experience huge fluctuations in our monthly earnings, which can be nerve-wracking. So when I talk about a battle, that is what I mean. It’s not something I just struggle with occasionally. And when you are in a battle, you need a form of attack. You need weapons, and you already know, that because this is not a flesh and blood battle, the weapons need to be different too (Eph v 12 – 17).
That is why I have found these 6 truths to be a powerful antidote to my daily battle with financial fear.
Dear friend, may this truth also minister to your heart today, and every day that you battle financial fear. That God is a shepherd who can guide you, a Father who knows what you need, and a King who can exert authority over your circumstances, and He is and does these things with generosity and delight.
My parents live in a small town in the Karroo, and if you’ve ever met them you will know what pretty much all the people in that town knows: My parents are awesome. And certainly, I’d always assumed that small town life has certain, albeit clichéd, characteristics that we always think would not be part of city life. No lack of community there! You know, people dropping in, knowing your neighbours and going the extra mile for one another. When my dad fell in during the pandemic I saw community in action, from referrals to in home care givers, to virtually daily meal drop offs that meant my mom and I did not cook the entire 2 weeks I was there. Even the pharmacist and Doctor made housecalls. Afterhours! It was like being in a TV series from the 70s.
I left thinking it must have something to do with where they live. And what they are like as people. I mean who wouldn’t seek out opportunities to serve and love people who are so easy to adore? But the pandemic proved me wrong again because in a series of unfortunate events for our family that started in June all the way through to December, there was a steady stream of people, prayer and food going in and out of our house. At the height of our struggles the people showing up here unannounced far outnumbered people sending “let me know if you need anything” messages. My kids stood astounded time and time again, and they saw the truth of John 13 v 35 in action:
“By this all will know that you are My disciples – if you have love for one another.”
And this is what I realised about Christian community:
The truth about Christian Community.
But as we live more and more insular lives (thanks Pandemic) and focus more and more on individualistic motivations (thanks American Christianity. No offense), I have seen Christians neglect community and I have seen the cost of that – for them and for their kids. As much as life in community has so many benefits – many of which are obvious to those who are watching our lives – so the drawbacks of more and more Christians neglecting community have also become more and more pronounced.
What our lack of community is costing us:
It’s costing us our fervor. Paul tells us that we need one another so we don’t lag in our enthusiasm for the things of God and the people of God (Rom 12 v 9-10). We need others to keep our faith glowing and growing. But just like an ember burns lower and lower over time when it’s outside of the fire, so our faith, without the fire of connection to the body of Christ, starts to diminish, until soon lives of faith are so lukewarm they are indistinguishable from those around us.
It’s costing us connection. Many people, like us, live far from family, and when community is not cultivated intentionally, there is no one to bear our burdens along with us when we suffer loss or trauma, or even just when our geyser bursts or our kids are sick.There is no one to celebrate with us when things go well either. Shared experiences foster deeper connection.
It’s costing us our growth. Lack of fellowship is a prime growth inhibitor for Christians because when we take ourselves out of community we inhibit the influence of other believers that are called to be instruments of grace in our lives (Heb 3 v 13), and us in theirs. Our faith stagnates as unproductive behaviors go unchecked and every area of our lives is impacted, the most important 2 being our marriages and our parenting.
It’s costing us our credibility. No amount of Sunday church or worship music or Christian books will testify as loudly to our kids about what it means to be a believer as life in community with other believers. Our disconnected way of life preaches a louder sermon to our kids of how to do life, declaring how much we value our own time, our own freedom and our own wisdom and our own plans over the call of Christ in our lives, the call to discipleship, community, to service and sacrifice, to accountability and confession, and commitment to the truth. And it turns us into hypocrites. The first ones to notice will be our kids.
It’s costing us our commission, the one we were all called to – to go and make disciples. When we do not see Christian community the way God sees it, we start to see church as optional and certainly church membership as completely superfluous. And in our church skipping, church hopping and church shopping we go being part of a family to being part of an audience. We’ve gone from asking how we can serve to demanding to be served. We have gone from asking how we can be equipped for this great work to how we can be entertained so we can leave feeling great. And the work of God falls by the wayside, in our families, communities, cities and countries.
It’s costing us our back up – something every parent will find they need. Removing outside Christian influences from the social fabric of our kids’ lives means when the time comes for guidance, when their ears are longs since deaf to your sermons – and believe me this time does come- there is no alternative trusted grown up voice that you or your child knows and trusts well enough to speak life into the dead and dark areas of your children’s lives that you have been shut out of.
It’s costing us our faith. The Apostle John speaks of this cross formed fellowship of us to God and us to one another when he says “but if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ His son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1 v 7). Blood is a cleansing agent, and when one member is cut off from the body is no longer experiences that cleansing flow. A fellowship that is both vertical (with God) and horizontal (with other believers) is critical for the sustaining of our faith, especially in the world and the culture we live in.
A life that lacks community is costly to our families and our faith.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should ONLY have Christian friends. No ways. But God’s wish is that we should prioritise it over other social relationships:
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, but especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Gal 6 v 10
He also designed it so that our fellowship would extend beyond just getting together in Church on a Sunday and sharing a cappuccino afterwards. The Greek word used in scripture, Koinonia, is not simply limited to doing church together (Acts 2 v 42), but also sharing in all other aspects of life together (Phil 3 v 10) (2 Cor 9 v 13). This is the kind of fellowship that impacts our kids, our communities, our cities, our world. It did back then. It can today.
God’s wish for us is that the gospel would have both a vertical and horizontal impact in our life and that our community with Him and with others would be fruitful. Thát is cross formed community.
If Christian community is lacking in your life, the solution is easy:
Ask yourself why:
It could be church hurt/ disappointment because of previous experiences/ distrust of people
A misalignment between what God prioritises and your own priorities
Lack of diligence and/ or devotion to the things of God over time
It could be any number of things, but all of them likely require you to ask the hard questions, repent and recommit your heart to live out what you say you believe.
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).
Ask God who:
Ask the Lord who you can invite or connect with. Make it a matter of prayer.
Ask yourself when:
Community takes time and effort let’s be honest. But what it will cost you in time and effort is nothing compared to the fruit it will bring about in your life and that of your kids. Everyone is busy, but the fact is that we exercise a lot of choice over our schedules even if we pretend we don’t. We make time for what we want to make time for. When our hearts are aligned to God our priorities will be more and more aligned to his. His heart is that we prioritize “one another” – a phrase occurring 56 times in the New Testament.
“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:25).
I spent most of my professional career living in constant anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Performance reviews filled me with fear that “this time they were finally gonna realize, I don’t even belong here!” I lived in constant dread that the gig was about to be up. But it wasn’t. I never got fired. In fact, I consistently got promoted, awarded, and advanced. This is not a carefully crafted humblebrag. I am telling you this to illustrate something you, that – if you are reading this right now – you probably already know very well: There is a rigid dichotomy between the internal and external realities of someone who suffers from impostor syndrome. You’ve felt it. Otherwise, you would not be reading this blog, right? People with impostor syndrome are driven to perform, people-pleasers, and perfectionists. And they live in a constant state of fear all. the. time!
Pop Psychology has given us a lot of input on overcoming impostor syndrome, and it goes something like this:
Overcoming through achieving:
According to one South African celeb, your ability to overcoming impostor syndrome is directly related to your ability to achieve success. According to her, what you need is to achieve and perform your way out of that crippling self-doubt.
Convince them. Or is it you?
She continues to advise that overcoming impostor syndrome is as simple as focussing on proving other people wrong. Because apparently either “they” (I don’t know who they are but I think from this article it’s men?) are trying to snuff out your light, or you are “afraid of being great”. So in other words problem is either you, or them, or maybe both? But either way, prove them wrong.
Rehearse your past achievements to boost your confidence:
Another well-known author who has sadly become popular among believers despite her wonky self-help theology and anti-gospel teachings, overcoming impostor syndrome works as follows: you need to remind yourself what you have already accomplished and convince yourself that you can do anything you set your mind to. Write a letter to yourself, from yourself, to boost confidence. Not kidding. This is the actual advice.
Have faith in yourself:
She goes on to say that – to overcome impostor syndrome – all the knowledge and the truth you need is already in you. Her advice highlights what, at the core, makes the self-help gospel bogus: That you can find the answers to what is wrong with you, in you. That you can be the problem and the solution, at the same time. Apparently, you don’t need any other kind of faith other than faith in yourself. But here is what is diabolical about this advice: Asking me to have faith in myself when a lack of faith in myself and my ability is exactly the reason I have impostor syndrome makes no sense. It sounds very Nike-ad-slogan-y, but it doesn’t actually change anything.
Most of what I’ve read about overcoming impostor syndrome has been about as fulfilling as eating donuts for breakfast. It offers an impressive rush of sugar that tastes (sounds) good, but does not deliver enough for a race run well.
If my succeeding is the only thing that will prove that I am not an impostor, then surely failing will prove that I am one? If the list of victories is supposed to bolster me, then what am I supposed to do with the list of failures and losses, which are unavoidable? How am I supposed to look at them (and myself) if all of my wellbeing balances on the precipice of my successes? Is it any wonder people with Impostor Syndrome never try new things, because we are so desperately dependent on successes to keep proving us wrong about ourselves that the thought of failing at something paralyzes us so we would rather not even try!
Overcoming impostor syndrome by proving ourselves to others puts the control of how we see ourselves squarely in their hands. Our boss, our colleagues, that group of moms that hang out in the carpark at school. When my whole aim is to prove myself to others, my work, my effort, my excellence all becomes fueled by what other people think. But the opinion of another is an uncontrollable, fickle, changeable thing that can never satisfy the soul-deep craving for acceptance we all carry.
What if it’s not our impostor syndrome that drives us to crave validation from others and from our achievements. What if our yearning for outside affirmation and acceptance is actually at the core of the issue and impostor syndrome is only its manifestation? What if we keep getting the wrong prescription because we keep making the wrong diagnoses about what is at the core of our condition?
The core issue is not that we feel like a fraud, it’s that we don’t feel accepted and we are looking for that acceptance in the wrong place. All of our work and effort becomes about cultivating an image and manipulating acceptance because the fact is that we are deeply and intimately dependent on it.
The core issue is not that we don’t have enough confidence, it’s that we are hoping to gain confidence from our competence. And don’t get me wrong, we should always strive for competence and excellence in whatever we do, but if we are doing that in order to just feel ok with ourselves our striving is born of wrong motivation. Not from faithfulness with our talents and gifts, but from a desire to construct for ourselves indestructible confidence. And because we are human, because we will make mistakes, because we don’t know everything, some days our competence will fall short and then our confidence will fail, again.
The core issue is not that we are not able, the core issue is that we would rather rely on our ability over God’s. Because self-reliance is easier than faith, and control is easier than surrender. Popular advice on impostor syndrome puts us in a position where we need to boast in our strengths to have an identity when Paul says he boasts in his weakness in order to create space for God’s power (2 Cor 12 v 19). Why do you think Paul said that he counted every single accomplishment he had as a loss (Phil 3 v 4-7)? Because he knew that rehearsing our list of accomplishments as Rachel Hollis encourages us to do, will keep us from understanding where true worth is found.
The core issue is not that we don’t belong, the core issue is that we have mistaken belonging for beloved-ness and given the determining power to decide on both to other people or worse yet, to our ourselves.
Imposter syndrome is a lie relating to our truest source of acceptance. Read that again.
As a Christian suffering with impostor syndrome, here is the question that I have had to face as I started understanding what was at the core of this struggle:
Am I truly convinced by Christ? Because at the heart of impostor syndrome lies my lukewarm conviction regarding the soul-deep acceptance I actually already have in Him.
A gospel centered approach to overcoming impostor syndrome.
The truth is that we parade out our trite lipservice-level grasp of the gospel right next the claims of the self-help gospel that we are enough (but at the same time we need to hustle harder) and that we should not worry about what others think (but on the other hand unless others don’t confirm that I am not a fraud I will continue to believe I am one). We live life with a bit of Jesus sauce over it – saying that Jesus is enough but spending our lives trying to prove that we are. These things cannot all be true at the same time. Is it any wonder we make no headway with our overcoming impostor syndrome?
Until we get real about what we really believe about what Jesus has done for us and what that means for every part of our lives, we will never overcome impostor syndrome. The self-help gospel has found in us the fertile soil of people who are always hoping that some person, thing, some system of success, some event or fixed future point will finally settle in us the age-old question of our acceptance and worth, will finally represent to us that point of arrival where striving seizes.
“But as long as you are waiting for the mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run? This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burnout. This is the way to spiritual death.Well, you and I don’t have to kill ourselves. We are the beloved. That is the truth of our lives. “
(Henri J. M Nouwen – Life of the Beloved)
Our beloved-ness is the message of the Gospel. Christ’s declaration through His death and resurrection is that we are loved perfectly and it is out of that truth that we are called to live, work, act. Are you convinced of this? Are you convinced of it daily?
“The Gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope” (Timothy Keller)
There is a reservoir of love at the center of our lives, streaming out of the One who calls us out of the darkness of putting our hope in other people and our achievements, into the light of a life lived as one loved perfectly and accepted fully – not because we earned it but because He paid for it. That is the Gospel, and that was enough.
A Biblical Response to LGBTQ+ for Christian parents.
This blog is aimed at Christian parents and kids who 1) find themselves on the back foot in terms of current culture and popular opinion and wish to equip their kids with a biblical position on LGBTQ+ issues with both love and truth, and 2) have a deep awareness that this is only the beginning and a very real sense that the conservation of biblical truth, especially in terms of scriptural sexual ethic, will be the next battleground of Christian persecution. If this is not you, don’t bother reading this. Also, you know this is not going to be a short blog post, right?
Reading time approx: 17 minutes.
I cannot discuss every angle of this in this blog. Lots of people have written about this more and better than me, plus they are all cleverer than I am (the fact that I am not even sure if “cleverer” is a word serves to prove this point! Ha!), So here are some helpful articles if:
Someone said to you that homosexuality is not actually in the Bible, and if you have the appetite for a theology lesson: here are 2 articles that might help you further understand the revisionist/ affirming position.
I was in no mood to write this blog. A lot of my blogs start off this way. I had to write this blog for myself AND for my son, who came home from school recently after his Math teacher wanted to teach them about fractions in class by dividing up the girls and boys and one little girl refused to participate because she doesn’t “identify as either”. My son is 12. It’s already a minefield out there for our kids! We are past the time of pat answers, about God and about culture. We are as parents as always called to lay a foundation, something we can’t do if we ourselves don’t even know the truth we stand on in terms of all the cultural narratives swirling around us and our kids. So I leaned in, to the point where I can now, hopefully, through this little bit of writing, at least give you a view steps of light, a few bricks for your foundation so you can form a biblical position on LGBTQ+.
This is not a black and white issue. I mean, biblically it is. But socially and conversationally and relationally it calls for immense grace, it calls for huge sensitivity that I pray I can bring to this writing. You can’t always draw straight lines across a crooked world, and I am not about to try. Here is what I will try to do:
Be as tender and nuanced as possible here as I
understand that this is close to home to many, raising kids in an environment where gay or lesbian is not just the parents of a friend at school but a loved one or close family member, or a class or teammate
understand that our kids as young as 7 are having to navigate social settings with puzzling pronouns and a social contract where the rules of friendship (and everything else) seem fluid, and all values and beliefs are not always considered as equally worthy of respect, and certainly not biblical ones.
Share with you what I shared with my sons, to equip them with understanding so they can navigate relationships – NOT POLITICS. Let’s leave that to someone else.
Considering that our kids are already being confronted with the LGBTQ+ issue, from the classroom to the Disney Channel, I want my kids to
Be informed
Be Tender
Be Truthful
Be prepared
So here is what I told my kids:
Be Informed:
It has never been more vital for all of us to understand what the Bible says, about God, about people and about sin. Any thorough reading of the whole of scripture will confirm that the premise and practice of the LGBTQ position is incompatible with the Bible. It is important for us and our kids to 1) know what the Bible says and 2) know that we can trust what the Bible says.
The way we deal with Scripture in our homes should attest to our kids that our definition of truth does not get set by the world but by the Word.
So begin by talking with your kids about God’s good design, set out for us from the beginning of scripture and why this design is good for families and communities and our world. And talk with them about sin, which is the deviations, temptations and desires that move us (yes, all of us!) away from God’s design. That is what all sin is, a departure from God’s plan. This is something we are all always tempted with, in what we do and say, how we think and reason, what we desire and long for. We can have compassion for the way in which LGBTQ people struggle with sin, because we all struggle with sin. Sin is not God’s best and it’s not His plan or intention.
If you’ve read anything I’ve written you will know that God’s word is always my jumping-off point. We have a saying in our house: “Truth is God’s opinion about everything”.
In light of that, this is what I told my kids in terms of the Bible’s position on LGBTQ+:
I read Romans 1 with them. This is a great starting point. We are all born sinners. Paul points out that we all have this 1 big problem, which lies at the root of every problem in our heads, our hearts, our bodies and our communities: that we exchange God’s truth for a lie. This is not just a problem the LGBTQ community has. This is a problem we all have. All humans everywhere. This is also a helpful starting point because often what our kids are hearing are people saying they where “born this way”, but the truth is, we were all born this way. Born into sin because of the fall of man. And we all have natural tendencies that are contrary to God’s design. One person might struggle with same sex attraction, but another might struggle more than others with greed, with selfish ambition, with lying. We all have areas in our lives where we feel tempted to sin more than someone else might struggle in that same area. It is the nature of fallen man.
We need to be clear with our kids that this is a problem we all have. Not just some people. But then we need to be clear about why the LGBTQ conversation differs in the following ways:
What God’s word calls sin is now being normalized. In fact, if you just look about what Hollywood and the media present to us, our current culture is not just trying to normalize what God has called sinful, it’s trying to promote it. In this way the world is trying to define for us what is and isn’t sin, and that definition does not line up with what God says.
Yes, we are all sinners, but the Bible tells us that sexual sin is different from other sins and here is why:
It corrupts God’s representation of his full character in the world. Both male and female represent the image of God (Gen 1 v 27).
It corrupts God’s intention: God’s model of male and female matters. God’s sexual ethic as revealed in Scripture is 2 sexes, male and female, created in God’s image, for the sake of family, for the sake of community, and ultimately for the sake of a fulfilled representation of the loving, sacrificial relationship between Him and us, His bride, the church. God is against anything that disrupts this sexual ethic because it’s a disruption of His intention, plan, and purpose with and for us. The way God creates, the way He does things, always has a purpose!
It corrupts us on every level, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It defiles more than just our bodies because we are sinning against ourselves, our nature, our design, and that is why Paul says in 1 Cor 6 v 18 that it stands apart from other sins.
Even though homosexuality is one of the most vivid representations of this breakdown, any disorder of God in our hearts leads to disorder in our lives and in our communities. We were all born sinners, with desires and longings contrary to God’s design, because of the fall of man. We all stand condemned (Ps 14 v 1 – 3). It is not about having less of a desire for what is wrong, it is about having more of a desire for God. We all have to deal with sin when we come to Christ, and not just some sin, all sin, because all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Rom 3 v 23). That is why the healing of someone struggling with same sex attraction is the same as the healing of any other soul, in repentant returning of God to His rightful place in our affection.
As Christians, we believe that God tells us who we are, because He created us – not the other way around. We read about how we were made in Genesis 1 v 27. Biblically, sex and gender are one and the same. What is now referred to as “Gender Identity” is not a biblical or even biological concept. Some people might tell you that gender is a social construct, meaning people came up with it. Now, of course, some ideas about how men and women “should behave” have been socially and culturally constructed over time – like for example saying all boys like the colour blue and all girls like the colour pink. But the biological categories of male and female is not a social construct. It is not a feeling. It is not fluid. People cannot claim an internal identity that trumps their external reality, that man decides himself who and what he is, is simply people playing God and that is a sign of our times. But that doesn’t mean it’s true or accurate.
Eventhough we may live in a world where, in the name of “love” anything goes, and we are expected to change our truth in line with what is popular, God doesn’t change. The first words of the Bible is “God created”. That means He is in charge of it all. That means He gets to say what is right and wrong, true and false, and what is male and female too. Read these scriptures with your kids about the unchanging nature of God: Heb 13 v 8, Malachi 3 v 6, James 1 v 17, Numbers 23 v 19, Is 40 v 8.
Many today reject biblical authority by saying that certain texts in scripture have either been misinterpreted or need to be revised. People will base these arguments on for example the fact that Leviticus forbids homosexuality (Lev 18 v 22) but it also forbids eating shellfish (Lev 11 v 9 – 12), yet, how many Christians do you know who don’t love a plate of prawns! But this view does not consider the full counsel of Scripture. , The perfect life of Christ fulfilled all the ceremonial laws (i.e intended to make us physically clean) of Moses around the sacrificial system and ritual purity, which were in place in the Old Testament to facilitate the relationship between a Holy God and a sinful man. We know from verses like Heb 10 v 16, that the moral laws (i.e to govern our spiritual, mental and emotional cleanliness) of the old testament are now written on our hearts (i.e still in force), even though Hebrews also tells us that we are no longer bound by the ceremonial laws. But the prohibitions against homosexuality is re confirmed in the new testament (Romans 1, 1 Cor 6, 1 Tim 1). PS, the prevalence of this message across the entire canon also puts to bed any argument that specifically the references to God’s sexual ethic, across both Old and New Testament, could have been mistranslated in Romans 1.
Lastly we must always be honest with our kids about the counter cultural nature of our faith. The ways in which the Bible’s position on LGBTQ+ and so many other issues alienate us should not be surprising to us (Matt 10 v 34 – 36), because the counter cultural way we are called to live affects everything from how we spend our money and our time, to how we vote, to what we watch on TV (and what we don’t watch!) and to what we believe is the best way for society to function. Just because there is something in the Bible that makes us feel uncomfortable or sound unpopular doesn’t mean it’s not true. This is the tension every believer is called to live in until The Day that all is set right and this is something we need to be honest about with every single person who comes to faith, including our kids. Jesus was honest about it in Matt 16 v 24.
“Forever O Lord, your word is firmly fixed in the heavens” Ps 119 v 89
Be Tender:
We need to help our kids understand both tolerance as it is required of them to live along with others, but also to understand what I believe is a higher value than tolerance, which is kindness. Because tolerance as a word, can feel a little bit loaded, right? And with the compromise of Christian beliefs in many countries including the US now being set into law (and soon with the PEPUDA act here in SA too!), where standing on what you believe and value now is something you can be prosecuted for (not to mention culturally persecuted for), what is set before believers is a difficult road that must be walked with wisdom, the kind of wisdom that most of us grown ups can scarcely manage!
Even if this is something we as adults still struggle with, here is something I think we would be wise to help our kids understand:
It is possible to love someone without agreeing with them. It is possible to disagree with someone without hating them.
Yeah! Read that again!
So in terms of tender responses, this is what I told my kids:
God calls us to look at people the way He looks at them (2 Cor 5 v 16). This is why Jesus was never mean or unkind to people. But He was firm. He was uncompromising. He could do that because He was perfect, representing both love and truth at once.
Jesus’s example of compassion towards the woman at the well should be our template for engaging with people in sexual sin of any kind. Jesus saw people through a lense of love and truth, he didn’t see her through the labels others had for her, or that she had for herself. Understanding this, and having a deep awareness that we are all sinners and image bearers at the same time, will help us be more tender with people. When we see ourselves and others as God sees us it means we can have empathy for anyone else deceived by sin, stuck in sin, struggling with sin (even if they/ society does not name it as such and rather calls it a choice or an identity) because we have been there. This is where grace comes in. It is only possible to be gracious out of the position that we are all sick and in need of healing, that we are all sinners in need of saving.
So seeing people the way God sees them means being gracious. But it also means seeing their need for Him and responding. That is truly loving. God has a missional heart and so should we. It’s what we are all called to – to share the gospel. The gospel displays the kind of love people really do need, not the watered-down lipservice kind of the World.
But we cannot share the gospel in a vacuum. The Gospel is God’s message of love, and so we cannot share it void of love for the person we are sharing it with. Otherwise the gospel becomes a weapon or a stick, something it was never meant to be. So tender compassion is the only valuable starting point. We need to be kind in our conversations, and tender in our telling of the truth, because what people need before they need to understand what the Bible says about their lifestyle choices is the gospel. We cannot lead people to God’s greatest act of love by leading with a theological argument. Before people need a lesson on doctrine, biblical literacy or the inerrancy of Scripture (ps, tell you kids what the inerrancy of scripture means!!), they need the Gospel. Not the other way around. It is a person’s relationship with Jesus that will help them see what He says in His word and start applying it. Without the gospel, none of us can change. My teenager can’t stop being disrespectful, the bully on the playground can’t stop being aggressive, that bachelor can’t stop looking at porn, that neighbor can’t stop gossiping, and someone struggling with same-sex attraction or stuck in sexual sin has no means for change without the gospel. (if you need help talking to the kids about the Gospel’s relevance to our hearts and lives, please consider getting a copy of THE MOMMY DIARIES to foster Gospel-driven change conversations with your kids!)
Always remember that how we act is as important as what we believe. We are, for Christ, both messengers and witnesses. If we want to be messengers of His truth, we have to be witnesses of His love.
God’s love doesn’t mean we accept ideologies and ideas contrary to scripture because that seems “more loving”. It’s actually the opposite. The world tells us that to be truly loving is to “love people just the way they are”. But that is not loving. God loved us so much He died so we wouldn’t be stuck “just the way we are” (Rom 5 v 6-8), relegated to a life separate from Him, His peace and His purposes.
“What separates Christianity from other faiths is found in the scandal of grace. It is when we acknowledge our brokenness and inability to live as God wants us to that we begin to experience inner transformation.”
Sean McDonnel
Be Truthful:
In Jesus we saw the example of how love and truth must always go together. He showed us in the way He lived his life that they cannot be separated.
Bring truth in love, and do not sacrifice either, because only truth in love is the fullness of Christ.
Mila Venter
And to His followers, Jesus said: “If you love me keep my commandments” – Jesus said (John 14 v 15). But truthfulness gets tricky when the LGBTQ issue or any other type of lifestyle sin hits close to home. Like when it’s someone we know and love. And we are tempted to tell our kids, when they ask why “so and so” has chosen to do “such and such”, that it’s “it’s ok for him but it’s not ok for us”. What we don’t realise is that this definition categorises truth as 100% subjective, exactly in the “your truth is your truth, my truth is mine” way the world presents it. If you’re truth is your truth and my truth is my truth then what we are talking about is not truth, but opinion. Rather say “it’s not ok for anyone, but he/ she does not believe that. That doesn’t mean we don’t love him/ her. It just means we make different choices.” In a post-truth culture, we need to be clear with our kids about understanding the nature of truth.
And one of the things we need to be the most truthful about, is love, because this is what our culture tells our kids about what love looks like:
Loving our neighbor = affirming every narrative our neighbor holds to. Every latest sitcom normalises alternative lifestyles and shows our teens that real friendship means saying “You are so brave, I support you no matter what!” But what if that is what God had done for us? What if He had said to us – “you do you! I support you no matter what!”. That is not merciful, loving or gracious. And brazen sin is not brave. And being supportive of it is not loving. We live in a world that tells us that hurting someone’s feelings is what we should truly fear, not the ultimate spiritual position and the health of their eternal souls. It is indeed a most unloving approach to love and as those set apart we have become really terrible at loving people enough to tell them the truth.
“Our culture has wrongly equated loving everyone with approving everything”
Lisa Bevere
So how then do we bring the truth to conversations about love and tolerance, identity and gender, biology and feelings, choice and freedom? What will be their foundation in current culture’s arguments against truth?
This is what I told my kids:
Soulish love and spiritual love are not the same thing. Love covering all cannot be used as an excuse for the acceptance of sin. One theologian said “better bad theology with love than any theology without love” but these things cannot be mutually exclusive. It can’t be love at the price of truth or vice versa, well it can, but then we can’t call it Christlike. We can’t call it “what Jesus did”. Jesus is 100% love and 100% truth, that is the fullness of who He is (Eph 4 v 13-16). So without that what we are preaching, what we are representing, is simply not Christ.
In a world obsessed with “freedom” which means the absence of restriction, the Bible calls us to a new kind of freedom. Tim Keller puts it this way:
“A fish is designed for water. It is meant to breathe and move in water. Only in water is it free to realize all its inner potentials. But if it is not confined to the water, it cannot realize this freedom. If it is “free” from any restrictions—free to go up on land—then it will die.”
Tim Keller
True freedom, then, is not the absence of constraints or restrictions. It is finding and complying with the right restrictions, the ones that fit the givens of our nature and being. Who better to tell us what those are than the One who called into existence our very selves? History is a wasteland of people who pursued the worldly freedom to dispose of the “yoke” of morality and Christian values, to their own destruction. Being left to ourselves has not worked out well for any of us. That is why Jesus came!
We live in a world where people believe that how you feel dictates who you are. That it’s our desires that define us. The very nature of the LGBTQ argument affirms this. But the Bible says that Jesus came to restore us from the desires that are at war within us (Gal 5 v 17). The world says those desires define us, but Jesus came to truly set us free!
We are all broken, every last one of us, even if our brokenness is expressed in different ways. Brokenness = sin. Sin = the distortion and depravity that is part of every person. Paul states so clearly in 1 Cor 6 v 9 – 11 how we are all sinners, justified only by faith (Rom 5 v 1), battling all our different genetic, hormonal, environmental, and contextual difficulties and disorders that constantly incline us towards sin. It is important for our kids to understand this because the distortion of our affection is justified everywhere around us, the loudest voices in the crowd is calling us to love ourselves first, put ourselves first and be true to ourselves first, because, according to the world, that is what freedom is and that is what is the truest truth and the highest love. But that is not the truth of Scripture.
The world and its Instavangelists tell us to just trust ourselves, to follow our hearts, but you just have to be around people for a second to realise that we don’t have to be taught to lie, cheat, steal, be selfish. Original sin is a reality, and that is what has made the heart deceitful above all things (Jer 17 v9) – certainly NOT worth following, until you can – through faith receive a new heart, and a new spirit (Heb 8 v 10). In a world where gender-confused individuals believe their desires reveal their “true self”, it really only reveals the sin nature that is true for all of us. The Bible doesn’t speak of the “true self”. It speaks only of the old self (dead to sin) and the new self (alive to Christ). So the best thing we can do is not to become more like ourselves (whatever that means in terms of feelings/ desires) but to rather become more like Jesus. Putt off the old self, and be constantly renewed (Eph 4 v 22 – 24). All of us need this.
That is why the gospel is good news for every single person.
But the Gospel is hard, that is a fact. Why? Because it represents a dying to self (Gal 5 v 24), it represents a cross to carry (Matt 16 v 24 – 26), it represents repentance of everything that is contrary to His order and ordinances. The cross will always make us choose. An old way of life, or a new one as I’ve already mentioned. And secondly, when God calls us He doesn’t just call us out of some sins. He calls us to repent of all sin. God does not call us out of these things to be a party-pooper, His biggest driver is always love. And so He calls us out of these things because He knows, they can never bring about our ultimate, eternal good and thriving.
“To carry a cross means you are walking away, and you are never coming back.” A. W. Tozer.
Be Prepared:
Especially in the teenage years and going into young adulthood, our kids are going to be confronted with these things and drawn into conversations about them, whether in person or online.
“You need a thick skin and a soft heart to stay faithful in this world”
Jackie Hill Perry
Here are some things that are good to know for them (and us) to be prepared in these conversations:
Not everyone is going to want to hear what you think about this. And that is ok. If you are a kind person, you will in your life have many opportunities to walk with people, and they may even ask for your help or guidance. Always be ready to share what you believe. Also always be ready to defend what you believe. That’s 1 Pet 3 v 13! But never confuse these 2 things. God is a relational God, and it’s not your job to go out and crusade for truth in the absence of relationship and love. Especially in this space and in these conversations, we need to have soft hearts for people who are hurting.
Our kids live in a way more volatile world than us, the internet brings aggression, anger, and hate right into our hands, our homes, our hearts. So we need to be sure they know: Yes, your convictions can be expressed, but be sure to express them with compassion. That whole sticks and stones thing is “malarkey” as my dad would say, words ignite, words explode. And we will get it wrong, all of us, all the time. Sadly, what has happened in the church around this issue is an example of this. So remember to be gracious. There is only ONE Word that is infallible, the One that became flesh (John1v14).
Walk in step with the Spirit and always practice discernment. 1 Cor 2 v 14 tells us that not everyone is open to the things of the Spirit of God, that to some, it’s foolishness. Seeds cannot be planted in soil like that.
Remember that love and compassion should not demand agreement. But, and this is a pretty big but, the rights of one group should not be used as a weapon against the beliefs of another. And that is what we now see happen in the US and it will start to happen everywhere. Disagreement is not the same as discrimination, but there are many agendas today that will try to make it seem such. We need to be aware of this and do what He told us to do when the love of many start to grow cold, which is to endure, with His help (Matt 24 v 11 – 12).
We don’t have to honor someone’s lifestyle or choices. We do have to honor their humanity because we have to honor God. We do have to love much because we have been forgiven much (Luke 7 v 47). Remember God looks at our hearts.
“Theological zeal must be subject to the test of love. Not all zeal is from God. Even when the error we oppose is clearly heresy, our aim must be to heal, not to disgrace”
Gavin Ortlund.
If you want to engage with me on this, I would love to hear from you, so please connect with me where I am most of the time, which is here.
I will try my best to respond. Know that every single one of my readers and subscribers are in my prayers.
Why we don’t prioritize time with God and what we can do about it.
I detest blogs that sound like they want to inform me about something that would be to my benefit, but then all they do is make me feel guilty… like I fall short in some way…make me feel like there is yet another thing that I should be doing that I’m just not getting to. That’s why I often avoid parenting books (don’t we already have enough mommy guilt!) and why the one I wrote was written specifically NOT to make you feel that way because the minute you become a parent, you become instantly and regularly familiar with all the ways you fall short, am I right? So let me assure you, this blog is not like that.
Friends share the good news, the great recipes, the tidbit about that child-friendly restaurant or that cheap travel deal, right? When you care about someone you want to be generous with the very best information. And that is why I wrote this blog. Not because I want to add something to your list that you already know you should be doing (you know, like finally cleaning out the garage) but just can’t get to, but because spending time in God’s word is one of the most fascinating, nourishing and deeply impactful activities I’ve ever engaged in, and I want that for you!
Here are some of the reasons why we don’t spend time with God:
We are Saturated
I have 2 teenage boys in my house. They are never not hungry! When you are a mom of boys you are only ever busy with 3 things: Making meals, planning meals or shopping for meals. Ask anyone! My boys approach the dinner table with enthusiasm, because they are, in their words, “starving”. One of the reasons we do not prioritize time in God’s word is because we are not starving. We are saturated. We have many teachers regurgitating for us pre-digested morsels. A verse of the day here, a pretty Instagram quote there, a page a day devotional or a 15 minute podcast while driving. What we are choosing to consume takes very little effort from our side, but also little discernment. Kind of like eating processed foods instead of a from-scratch-made-with-love meal. You would not try keep yourself or your family saturated on processed fast foods indefinitely. But many of us keep going on that kind of spirit diet. And when you are full of candy floss and cupcakes, do you know what you don’t feel like eating? Real food. And that works fine, until things get hectic. Until a trial, a race, a war erupts in our lives.
We have forgotten that we are in a race so we don’t eat like athletes. We have forgotten that we are in a war so we don’t fill up or dress up like soldiers.
And then, when it comes time for perseverance, when it comes time for testing of our faith, mostly through suffering and trial, but also through temptation, that the bible warns us is an inevitability, our tanks are empty, we’ve long ago used up the low GI fuel supplied to us by our light crudité style snacking or devotionals and youtube videos.
Jesus wants to be our sustenance in the time of uncertainty, trial and difficulty.
He says that in John 6 v 35. He himself was in the wilderness and what saturated and sustained Him is the thing that will also saturate and sustaine us. God’s word (Matt 4 v 4). God doesn’t want to give us certainty instead of our uncertainty, he wants to give us a more certain grip on him. And He does that faithfully when we prioritise His word.
The Christian life thrives with the bible, just like the body thrives with good nourishment, exercise and hydration. Jesus said I am the bread of life, He said “come to me for living water”, so when we come to the word of God we are attending to the health of our soul and our spirit, we are feeding and saturating our greatest and truest hunger.
We are Intimidated
I often hear people say that they wish to hear from God. That they hope to know His will. Then I always ask them what they read that morning. Because to this day, the primary way God speaks is through His Word. And you don’t need a theology degree to hear Him. Jesus himself said that His revelation is more often hidden from the wise and revealed to the childlike and simple (Matt 11 v 15). We read a lot of things every day, but for some reason when we come to God’s word our expectation of ourselves is usually too high and our expectation of God is usually too low. He promises us in His word when we draw near to Him He will draw near to us (James 4 v 8). James also tells us that when we ask for wisdom He will give it to us without reviling us (James 1 v 5 – 6) if we ask in faith. Faith is asking knowing that God wants to give us wisdom, not asking hoping that He will but fearing that maybe, just maybe, He doesn’t really want to or He won’t, which is often the intimidating attitude with which we come to the word of God. Is it any wonder we treat God’s word as something we have to “fit in”? We treat it like a chore because we think we have to work on it, we do not come with the expectation that it will work on us, which is what the Word was made to do! God himself watches over it to ensure that it will accomplish what He pleases (Is 55 v 11). You don’t have to worry about that. But what you do have to worry about is what kind of expectation you have as you approach your time in God’s word.
Often our problem is that we have forgotten that reading God’s word is an act of love not an action on a to do list, that our time with God is a relationship to build not a box to tick, that it is the daily momentum we need to move towards meaning and maturity.
We have underestimated our true state
When I feel lukewarm towards spending time with God, I always remind myself of the story in Luke 7 of the sinful woman who came to kiss Jesus’ feet and anointed Him with oil. And Jesus said “those who have been forgiven much love much”. The reason we don’t prioritise time with God is because we have underestimated our deep need. That, our deep need, much more than an obligation or a “should”, must be our “reason why”. Our love wanes and our devotion lapses because we lose sight of who we really are and what we really need. We are so distracted and entertained that we forget about our own spiritual state. We are so saturated with candy floss Christianity that we have underestimated how much we need God’s grace, God’s involvement, God’s direction in our daily lives. When we become disconnected and distracted from the essence of the gospel in our lives we quickly and easily start underestimating our need for God, because the gospel remains compelling only to someone aware of the truth of their spiritual state.
Many of us live lukewarm lives, no different from the world around us because we do not consistently connect ourselves with the transformative and victorious, which is only found in God’s Word. And just like time in God’s word will manifest as faith, joy, hope, growth, maturity, direction, focus and blessing in our lives, so lack of time in God’s word will also manifest in different ways:
Persistent struggles with fear, worry and anxiety, and having your inner peace and joy dependent on your circumstances;
Not being able to discern the truth and being ensnared by deceptive teaching and heresy which places you outside of the will of God and the blessings of righteousness;
Lack of direction, which not only has personal consequences, but it also means you are ill-equipped to equip your children for a hard and difficult world;
Lack of fruit and thriving;
Lack of victory over areas of stubborn sin;
Lack of meaning, leading us to idolatry as we try to create meaning for ourselves;
Defenseless against spiritual attacks without the Sword of the Word;
An inability to respond when people question your faith, which diminishes your witness and influence for the Kingdom.
These are just some of what we suffer when our lives are devoid of connection with God via His word and prayer. If your faith feels powerless and empty, consider how you view the Bible, which is your primary exposure to the truth
GK Chesterton said “The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult and left untried.” And it’s true. I think we live in a time where we have thought because we have Bibles and we say we love them we have truly seen what the Word can do in people, in us. But I don’t think we have.
The Bible only becomes a sword when we become it’s soldiers. The Bible only becomes a kiln when we become it’s clay, the Word only becomes our standard when we become it’s students.
If this is something you desire for yourself, for your family and for your life, why not sign up for my 5 day Biblestudy Course, called DWELL, aimed at equipping you with the basic steps and tools to truly engage with the Word of God. Sign up here – it’s free!
