(This blog is an 11-minute read)

I have wrestled with unforgiveness in some of my closest relationships.
And I know that many of you have too, because when I told y’all that this was the theme of this month’s newsletter on Instagram the questions and comments started rolling in. As believers, of course, we should take forgiveness seriously. But I am not too proud to admit that my own rebellion in this area of my life meant I had wasted many years living a life that lacked the power of God. Here’s why: Because forgiveness is the single biggest power that disempowers Satan. The cross and the empty tomb remember? We can therefore expect many things including personal emotional baggage, yes, cultural narratives about autonomy and boundaries undicerningly and unbiblically applied, to all work to subvert any effort we may otherwise have made to be obedient in forgiving as scripture directs us. The devil much prefers unforgiveness to thrive! Speaking from personal experience, we easily miss the effect this has on us, relationally, emotionally and spiritually. We easily miss that this is indeed an area of spiritual attack, meaning we can expect to be consistently tempted not to forgive and to be justified in it, to boot! But the pragmatic realities of forgiveness is not something we talk about much. so the questions we will look at today include:

• How do you know you’ve forgiven someone, like, what does it feel like? Is it simply a choice? How do you know your forgiveness is complete?
• I have forgiven, but I am still struggling with triggers and emotions
• How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
• How to manage the practicalities of having forgiven someone with whom you no longer desire a relationship, because you can’t cut them out of your life (for example extended family or mutual friends etc).
• If you are consistently forgiving issues in friendship, how do you know it’s time to call the friendship quits?

But before we go there, here is something important for us to remember:

Forgiveness is more than anything and virtually always an act of obedience. It is one of the few things in the Bible that can both be considered a command and a condition. Jesus spoke about it in plainly in His teaching on the Lord’s prayer, telling us in no uncertain terms: request forgiveness from God only in the context of the forgiveness you yourself have granted (v12), or understand the consequences (v 14 and 15). So if we see forgiveness primarily as an act of obedience, (i.e not an act of justice or fairness, not an act of emotion or even righteousness, not an act of logic or reason) we must admit this: We can’t be obedient to God if we don’t trust that He will do right by us. We often hold on to unforgiveness because we think letting it go lets people off the hook, we hold on to our arguments about justice and fairness, subconsciously acting as though we are better at dealing with this issue than God. Why? Because we don’t trust Him to make things right. And we don’t trust Him because we don’t know him closely and intimately enough. Because remember, you cannot trust someone you don’t know. Often our wrestle with (un)forgiveness is in fact a wrestle with God and what is possibly a perfunctory or superficial knowledge of the only One who knows us fully and yet loves us completely. Struggling with unforgiveness? I have help! Start here!

How do you know you’ve forgiven someone, like, what does it feel like? Is it simply a choice? How do you know your forgiveness is complete?

I think it’s important to just say this: Forgiveness does not come naturally to anyone. Because there is nothing natural about forgiveness. Forgiveness is radical. So if I had to say what forgiveness feels like, I would say it feels like surgery. Like going under a knife and having our right to ourselves, our offences and positions and high moral ground, our ideas about what is good and right and what we deserve, removed. Forgiveness feels harsh and sore. What the Bible says about forgiveness is that our feelings cannot be trusted or relied upon, only God’s mercy can. That is why THAT is the basis of forgiveness and NOT our feelings. And so if you are someone who has made a decision of the will to forgive, this is what is helpful to know: Forgiveness is a practice, a lifestyle – both of which are choices, not feelings. And for most of us, it’s something we might even need to do daily, even moment by moment until the space between the moments gets bigger. To keep going back to God, asking Him to turn our heart of stone into a heart of flesh, to cut away at the self-righteousness and bitterness that wants to keep sprouting up there. That is why I often share about turning forgiveness into a liturgy and a discipline, because as holistic people, we need the physical, mental and spiritual act of re-doing, again and again, so our emotions about what was done to us don’t become our undoing. So yes, forgiveness is a choice – but not a once-off one. Rather one we usually have to make over and over and over again. Forgiveness feels like fitness. Depending on the offence, you are unlikely to ever get to a place where you are “just fine” with what was done to you. If that is the feeling you are waiting for, I think you will wait in vain. But I think when we have made work of the work of forgiveness, the spaces between the moments of wilful obedience in the act of forgiveness, the spaces between you feeling triggered by an event or person and you needing to return to the foot of the cross over it specifically, will become less. And your ability to pray for the person who had made themselves your enemy will become more. And you will know you are done forgiving.

I have forgiven, but I am still struggling with triggers and emotions.

As I said, we are holistic people, so for us to have made the decision to forgive and to still struggle with anger, to still feel triggered and upset, is normal and to be expected. That does not mean that you haven’t forgiven, it just means you’re a human being. One part of this is understanding that we may need to decide to forgive many times over. Many people speak of forgiveness as handing people over to God to deal with, and that is true. But I often add that we are also handing ourselves over to God to deal with. When we have been sinned against the the point where we need to forgive, that means we have been hurt to the point where we need to be healed. And that is God’s domain. Forgiveness is letting go of a hot coal of anger and hurt, and allowing the healing balm of Jesus to come and bind our wounds. So one of the biggest reasons we may continue to feel triggered is that our healing is also a process. Have you taken the time to seek God out for healing from your hurt? Has this been something you have been as intentional about as forgiving the person who hurt you?

Another reason we may continue to feel triggered is that it’s still happening. As believers, we often think forgiveness must mean a restored relationship, and forgiveness must mean trust. It is up to us, in partnership with the Word and the Spirit, to discern how to proceed in a relationship with someone who may be stuck in broken and hurtful patterns of behaviour or who remains unrepentant. In a marriage that may mean counselling, learning to be quick to forgive (remember, I said forgiveness is a fitness) until you are both also learning to simply have better, braver conversations. In friendships that may mean courageously addressing the hurtful behaviour, or maintaining better personal boundaries to protect yourself.

Another reason we may continue to feel triggered is that we have the wrong expectation. Forgiveness will change us, but it will not necessarily change the other person. And often when that is what we had hoped for, we set ourselves up for disappointment and for a cycle of having that list of things to forgive just growing. When we forgive we release the offender, but we don’t change them. But, I do believe that the act of forgiveness creates space for God to move in the lives and hearts of those who hurt us – because otherwise, they stay in jail too (Matt18 v 21 – 35). I have seen this happen – don’t delay forgiving so you can too!

How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?

Our forgiveness of others is not contingent on their repentance, simply because Jesus’s forgiveness of us was not contingent on our repentance (Rom 5 v 8). So in one sense the first step for all of us when it comes to forgiving someone is looking at what is happening between us and God and if we are willing to forgive as an act of obedience. The thing is that for most of us, we can just about manage to forgive someone who IS sorry, but when the person doesn’t believe they are in the wrong, is unaware of the hurt they caused, or simply does not care, the act of forgiveness starts to feel near impossible. But here is what I know from personal experience: The cost of not forgiving someone is immense for us, spiritually, relationally, mentally and yes, even physically.

A meta-analysis by Drs Lee and Enright (2019) published in Psychology Today, saw a correlation in the degree to which participants forgave those who treated them unjustly and the following kinds of physical variables, among others: sleep quality, stress levels, physical ailments such as lupus, fibromyalgia, cholesterol and hypertension to name a few.
Unforgiveness affects our authority in prayer and our relationship with God. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness which will have a defiling and crippling effect on our faith and Christian witness (Heb 12 v 14 – 15).
All that to say, unforgiveness has a huge cost. Disobedience to God’s command on this is simply not worth it. In my experience, 9/10 times, the people I have to forgive don’t even know how what they had done or said hurt or affected me and they may even live the rest of their lives oblivious to that fact. But that does not exempt me from forgiving them, because forgiveness is an act of faith and obedience between me and God 100% of the time, and may only be an expressed action between me and someone who owns up to their wrongs 1% of the time.

How to manage the practicalities of having forgiven someone with whom you no longer desire a relationship, because you can’t cut them out of your life (for example extended family or mutual friends etc).

I want to be clear on something here. Jesus himself told us that there is no end to the number of times that we should forgive someone (Matt 18 v 21 – 22). So there is no such thing as coming to a place of wanting to “forgive someone for the last time”.

Then I want to say something about cutting ties. There are many nuances here, but to me, there are 2 situations where cutting ties with someone whom you have forgiven is appropriate:
The one is if it’s required for the safety and protection of you or someone you are responsible for.

The other is where the relationship is so unhealthy that it consistently bests your best efforts at making it healthy or better. You know your own heart and actions, you know what you did and did not try. In my personal example, I have a whole lot of missing casserole dishes testifying to the lengths I went to foster and grow a relationship where the other party just remained stuck in a pattern of jealousy, competing, narcissism and gossiping, no matter what I tried. You know if you tried and you should also know when to stop trying. You can forgive someone and still remove yourself from further hurt.

But most often our situations are not this extreme, and we need to find a way to check our own emotional and mental health and purity of heart both before and after engaging with people that we cannot cut out of our lives without abjectly affecting other people/ relationships or abjectly affecting our own conscience. For example:

• Prepare in prayer and debrief in prayer
• Ask for help from an ally and wisdom from an accountability partner.
• Gauge your emotional, physical and mental capacity to engage and so not to situations where you know you won’t be able to bring your best until you can.

Remember that your forgiveness of them is primarily an act between you and God and your future management of that relationship, whatever form it takes, is also something you will be accountable to God for. So it really is up to us to, for example:

• Understand what triggers us and why and deal with it in our own hearts instead of expecting others to change.
• Ask for help, support and prayer from those who are walking the path with us.
• Take responsibility for our mental health by daily mind-renewal and taking thoughts captive lest sin leads us astray.

Remember, I am the only problem I can fix. It’s up to me to become aware of the devil’s schemes to trick us and trip me up (2 Cor 2 v 11) and manage myself, my personal space and time, and my emotional, mental and spiritual health, accordingly.

If you are consistently forgiving issues in friendship, how do you know it’s time to call the friendship quits?

If you’ve been around here for any length of time, I think you know what I am going to say. That what matters most to God, more even than what we do, is why we do it. If you are considering walking away from a friendship, a thorough bit of self-exploration is called for. Remember as per the previous point, there is no biblical basis for ending a relationship because we have come to the end of our ability to forgive. Scripture, and Jesus himself, does not give us that option. Sometimes, in a friendship, we are the ones who need to change, and we need the sobering guidance of the Word to expose thoughts and attitudes that might need to be addressed in us (Heb 4v12), first, before we look at what we feel needs addressing in someone else (Matt 7 v 3 – 5). Sometimes we need to be honest and say we want to end a certain relationship because we want to avoid God working on us through a difficult person. Just because a relationship is uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it can’t be beneficial. But sometimes, the other person needs to change. The Bible is clear that we are not to pursue a deep friendship with people who will pull us away from Jesus (Prov 12 v 26), that bad company corrupts good character (1 Cor 15 v 33) and that we should not consider any form of meaningful partnership with people who are not believers. None of this precludes us from healthy friendships where we can be salt and light, but it does call us to be circumspect in these and the access we allow to those we walk with. But if you have addressed hurtful words or behaviours and the person has either refused to listen, has disagreed or has not made any move towards improving things, if you have tried to communicate as honestly and graciously with the purest motives you can muster, and things have not improved, it would likely be appropriate for you to create space between you and this person. To forgive in a biblical sense is to recognise and regard someone and their actions towards you in light of and through the finished work of Jesus Christ. This does not require you to continue on in close fellowship with this person. Even if differences have been reconciled after you have forgiven, that does not mean a relationship must continue. An ongoing relationship is not always healthy, called for, nor commanded. But forgiveness always is. It’s up to you to understand what your desire to end the friendship is based on. If you need help navigating a friendship break-up, I got you!

“Those who have been touched by forgiveness and new life and have thus entered into God’s rule become, like Jesus, bearers of that rule.” — Dallas Willard.