I have wrestled with unforgiveness in some of my closest relationships.
And I know that many of you have too, because when I told y’all that this was the theme of this month’s newsletter on Instagram the questions and comments started rolling in. As believers, of course, we should take forgiveness seriously. But I am not too proud to admit that my own rebellion in this area of my life meant I had wasted many years living a life that lacked the power of God. Here’s why: Because forgiveness is the single biggest power that disempowers Satan. The cross and the empty tomb remember? We can therefore expect many things including personal emotional baggage, yes, cultural narratives about autonomy and boundaries undicerningly and unbiblically applied, to all work to subvert any effort we may otherwise have made to be obedient in forgiving as scripture directs us. The devil much prefers unforgiveness to thrive! Speaking from personal experience, we easily miss the effect this has on us, relationally, emotionally and spiritually. We easily miss that this is indeed an area of spiritual attack, meaning we can expect to be consistently tempted not to forgive and to be justified in it, to boot! But the pragmatic realities of forgiveness is not something we talk about much. so the questions we will look at today include:
How do you know you’ve forgiven someone, like, what does it feel like? Is it simply a choice? How do you know your forgiveness is complete?
I have forgiven, but I am still struggling with triggers and emotions
How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
How to manage the practicalities of having forgiven someone with whom you no longer desire a relationship, because you can’t cut them out of your life (for example extended family or mutual friends etc).
If you are consistently forgiving issues in friendship, how do you know it’s time to call the friendship quits?
But before we go there, here is something important for us to remember:
Forgiveness is more than anything and virtually always an act of obedience. It is one of the few things in the Bible that can both be considered a command and a condition. Jesus spoke about it in plainly in His teaching on the Lord’s prayer, telling us in no uncertain terms: request forgiveness from God only in the context of the forgiveness you yourself have granted (v12), or understand the consequences (v 14 and 15). So if we see forgiveness primarily as an act of obedience, (i.e not an act of justice or fairness, not an act of emotion or even righteousness, not an act of logic or reason) we must admit this: We can’t be obedient to God if we don’t trust that He will do right by us. We often hold on to unforgiveness because we think letting it go lets people off the hook, we hold on to our arguments about justice and fairness, subconsciously acting as though we are better at dealing with this issue than God. Why? Because we don’t trust Him to make things right. And we don’t trust Him because we don’t know him closely and intimately enough. Because remember, you cannot trust someone you don’t know. Often our wrestle with (un)forgiveness is in fact a wrestle with God and what is possibly a perfunctory or superficial knowledge of the only One who knows us fully and yet loves us completely. Struggling with unforgiveness? I have help! Start here!
How do you know you’ve forgiven someone, like, what does it feel like? Is it simply a choice? How do you know your forgiveness is complete?
I think it’s important to just say this: Forgiveness does not come naturally to anyone. Because there is nothing natural about forgiveness. Forgiveness is radical. So if I had to say what forgiveness feels like, I would say it feels like surgery. Like going under a knife and having our right to ourselves, our offences and positions and high moral ground, our ideas about what is good and right and what we deserve, removed. Forgiveness feels harsh and sore. What the Bible says about forgiveness is that our feelings cannot be trusted or relied upon, only God’s mercy can. That is why THAT is the basis of forgiveness and NOT our feelings. And so if you are someone who has made a decision of the will to forgive, this is what is helpful to know: Forgiveness is a practice, a lifestyle – both of which are choices, not feelings. And for most of us, it’s something we might even need to do daily, even moment by moment until the space between the moments gets bigger. To keep going back to God, asking Him to turn our heart of stone into a heart of flesh, to cut away at the self-righteousness and bitterness that wants to keep sprouting up there. That is why I often share about turning forgiveness into a liturgy and a discipline, because as holistic people, we need the physical, mental and spiritual act of re-doing, again and again, so our emotions about what was done to us don’t become our undoing. So yes, forgiveness is a choice – but not a once-off one. Rather one we usually have to make over and over and over again. Forgiveness feels like fitness. Depending on the offence, you are unlikely to ever get to a place where you are “just fine” with what was done to you. If that is the feeling you are waiting for, I think you will wait in vain. But I think when we have made work of the work of forgiveness, the spaces between the moments of wilful obedience in the act of forgiveness, the spaces between you feeling triggered by an event or person and you needing to return to the foot of the cross over it specifically, will become less. And your ability to pray for the person who had made themselves your enemy will become more. And you will know you are done forgiving.
I have forgiven, but I am still struggling with triggers and emotions.
As I said, we are holistic people, so for us to have made the decision to forgive and to still struggle with anger, to still feel triggered and upset, is normal and to be expected. That does not mean that you haven’t forgiven, it just means you’re a human being. One part of this is understanding that we may need to decide to forgive many times over. Many people speak of forgiveness as handing people over to God to deal with, and that is true. But I often add that we are also handing ourselves over to God to deal with. When we have been sinned against the the point where we need to forgive, that means we have been hurt to the point where we need to be healed. And that is God’s domain. Forgiveness is letting go of a hot coal of anger and hurt, and allowing the healing balm of Jesus to come and bind our wounds. So one of the biggest reasons we may continue to feel triggered is that our healing is also a process. Have you taken the time to seek God out for healing from your hurt? Has this been something you have been as intentional about as forgiving the person who hurt you?
Another reason we may continue to feel triggered is that it’s still happening. As believers, we often think forgiveness must mean a restored relationship, and forgiveness must mean trust. It is up to us, in partnership with the Word and the Spirit, to discern how to proceed in a relationship with someone who may be stuck in broken and hurtful patterns of behaviour or who remains unrepentant. In a marriage that may mean counselling, learning to be quick to forgive (remember, I said forgiveness is a fitness) until you are both also learning to simply have better, braver conversations. In friendships that may mean courageously addressing the hurtful behaviour, or maintaining better personal boundaries to protect yourself.
Another reason we may continue to feel triggered is that we have the wrong expectation. Forgiveness will change us, but it will not necessarily change the other person. And often when that is what we had hoped for, we set ourselves up for disappointment and for a cycle of having that list of things to forgive just growing. When we forgive we release the offender, but we don’t change them. But, I do believe that the act of forgiveness creates space for God to move in the lives and hearts of those who hurt us – because otherwise, they stay in jail too (Matt18 v 21 – 35). I have seen this happen – don’t delay forgiving so you can too!
How do you forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
Our forgiveness of others is not contingent on their repentance, simply because Jesus’s forgiveness of us was not contingent on our repentance (Rom 5 v 8). So in one sense the first step for all of us when it comes to forgiving someone is looking at what is happening between us and God and if we are willing to forgive as an act of obedience. The thing is that for most of us, we can just about manage to forgive someone who IS sorry, but when the person doesn’t believe they are in the wrong, is unaware of the hurt they caused, or simply does not care, the act of forgiveness starts to feel near impossible. But here is what I know from personal experience: The cost of not forgiving someone is immense for us, spiritually, relationally, mentally and yes, even physically.
A meta-analysis by Drs Lee and Enright (2019) published in Psychology Today, saw a correlation in the degree to which participants forgave those who treated them unjustly and the following kinds of physical variables, among others: sleep quality, stress levels, physical ailments such as lupus, fibromyalgia, cholesterol and hypertension to name a few.
Unforgiveness affects our authority in prayer and our relationship with God. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness which will have a defiling and crippling effect on our faith and Christian witness (Heb 12 v 14 – 15).
All that to say, unforgiveness has a huge cost. Disobedience to God’s command on this is simply not worth it. In my experience, 9/10 times, the people I have to forgive don’t even know how what they had done or said hurt or affected me and they may even live the rest of their lives oblivious to that fact. But that does not exempt me from forgiving them, because forgiveness is an act of faith and obedience between me and God 100% of the time, and may only be an expressed action between me and someone who owns up to their wrongs 1% of the time.
How to manage the practicalities of having forgiven someone with whom you no longer desire a relationship, because you can’t cut them out of your life (for example extended family or mutual friends etc).
I want to be clear on something here. Jesus himself told us that there is no end to the number of times that we should forgive someone (Matt 18 v 21 – 22). So there is no such thing as coming to a place of wanting to “forgive someone for the last time”.
Then I want to say something about cutting ties. There are many nuances here, but to me, there are 2 situations where cutting ties with someone whom you have forgiven is appropriate:
The one is if it’s required for the safety and protection of you or someone you are responsible for.
The other is where the relationship is so unhealthy that it consistently bests your best efforts at making it healthy or better. You know your own heart and actions, you know what you did and did not try. In my personal example, I have a whole lot of missing casserole dishes testifying to the lengths I went to foster and grow a relationship where the other party just remained stuck in a pattern of jealousy, competing, narcissism and gossiping, no matter what I tried. You know if you tried and you should also know when to stop trying. You can forgive someone and still remove yourself from further hurt.
But most often our situations are not this extreme, and we need to find a way to check our own emotional and mental health and purity of heart both before and after engaging with people that we cannot cut out of our lives without abjectly affecting other people/ relationships or abjectly affecting our own conscience. For example:
Prepare in prayer and debrief in prayer
Ask for help from an ally and wisdom from an accountability partner.
Gauge your emotional, physical and mental capacity to engage and so not to situations where you know you won’t be able to bring your best until you can.
Remember that your forgiveness of them is primarily an act between you and God and your future management of that relationship, whatever form it takes, is also something you will be accountable to God for. So it really is up to us to, for example:
Understand what triggers us and why and deal with it in our own hearts instead of expecting others to change.
Ask for help, support and prayer from those who are walking the path with us.
Take responsibility for our mental health by daily mind-renewal and taking thoughts captive lest sin leads us astray.
Remember, I am the only problem I can fix. It’s up to me to become aware of the devil’s schemes to trick us and trip me up (2 Cor 2 v 11) and manage myself, my personal space and time, and my emotional, mental and spiritual health, accordingly.
If you are consistently forgiving issues in friendship, how do you know it’s time to call the friendship quits?
If you’ve been around here for any length of time, I think you know what I am going to say. That what matters most to God, more even than what we do, is why we do it. If you are considering walking away from a friendship, a thorough bit of self-exploration is called for. Remember as per the previous point, there is no biblical basis for ending a relationship because we have come to the end of our ability to forgive. Scripture, and Jesus himself, does not give us that option. Sometimes, in a friendship, we are the ones who need to change, and we need the sobering guidance of the Word to expose thoughts and attitudes that might need to be addressed in us (Heb 4v12), first, before we look at what we feel needs addressing in someone else (Matt 7 v 3 – 5). Sometimes we need to be honest and say we want to end a certain relationship because we want to avoid God working on us through a difficult person. Just because a relationship is uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it can’t be beneficial. But sometimes, the other person needs to change. The Bible is clear that we are not to pursue a deep friendship with people who will pull us away from Jesus (Prov 12 v 26), that bad company corrupts good character (1 Cor 15 v 33) and that we should not consider any form of meaningful partnership with people who are not believers. None of this precludes us from healthy friendships where we can be salt and light, but it does call us to be circumspect in these and the access we allow to those we walk with. But if you have addressed hurtful words or behaviours and the person has either refused to listen, has disagreed or has not made any move towards improving things, if you have tried to communicate as honestly and graciously with the purest motives you can muster, and things have not improved, it would likely be appropriate for you to create space between you and this person. To forgive in a biblical sense is to recognise and regard someone and their actions towards you in light of and through the finished work of Jesus Christ. This does not require you to continue on in close fellowship with this person. Even if differences have been reconciled after you have forgiven, that does not mean a relationship must continue. An ongoing relationship is not always healthy, called for, nor commanded. But forgiveness always is. It’s up to you to understand what your desire to end the friendship is based on. If you need help navigating a friendship break-up, I got you!
“Those who have been touched by forgiveness and new life and have thus entered into God’s rule become, like Jesus, bearers of that rule.” — Dallas Willard.
The most worrying trend I’ve noticed as I have ministered among believing women is how many even long-time Christian women have difficulty with studying the Word of God in a direct way for themselves. And sadly there is a definite correlation between our lack of biblical depth, breadth and fidelity and our inability to respond in faith to our problems, challenges and our culture.
I get that the Bible is intimidating. Believe me! It’s why I wrote my 5 day free email course, DWELL, to address this very thing. It’s why I designed the Dwell Journal and the “Wandel Joernaal”, to help us push through our intimidation, overwhelm and reluctance around the direct study of God’s word. I know first-hand that devotionals are so much easier to understand, with the content often crafted to answer one specific need or question. And especially newer devotionals feel so much more relevant to us, chiefly because they often make us, the reader, the main character in every single story.
The Bible is no lazy man’s book! Much of it’s treasure, like the valuable minerals stored in the bowels of the earth, only yield up themselves to the diligent seeker.
Arthur W Pink
Here are 4 dangers we are consistently exposed to when we don’t learn to read the Bible for ourselves:
Disconnections & Distance:
Biblestudy is not primarily a pursuit of head knowledge, although, as I always say, you can’t trust someone you don’t know. It is primarily a pursuit of God himself. God’s word is his primary revelation about himself. It’s where he speaks to us most directly this side of heaven. Our time in God’s word should grow not just our understanding but also our intimacy.
Think about it this way: There is a marked difference between the intimate relationship between a husband and wife who spend time together doing both meaningful and mundane things and a teenage romance where the communication consists of text messages and memes. The first and most important danger of our dependence on devotionals is the effect it has on our personal relationship with God. When we think that we should get a specific message out of every interaction with God it robs the relationship of its joy and it becomes unnatural – because it becomes all about feelings and experiences. If marriages were dependent on feelings and experiences they would not last very long.
Our reliance on devotionals has created in us a strange expectation when it comes to “quiet time”. Instead of simply enjoying time with God, we constantly assess if it’s “doing something” for us. Instead of seeing it as intimacy and relationship building, we measure it for its “impact” and “self-help”. But when we ditch devotionals and come to the word with the understanding that we are growing closer to God through it, we allow ourselves to be free to enjoy our relationship with God as the gift of grace that it is. That is so much better than the devotional-driven mindset that causes us to be constantly morbidly introspective about the relationship and whether it makes us “feel good” or what it “does for us”. What if we chose devotion to God over devotionals? Devotion reflected in a dedication to spending time with Him regardless of how “personally relevant” or “exciting” that felt.
Deception:
When bitesized theology is all we have, it only takes someone who dresses in a relatable way and speaks in a confident way to convince and sway us. But if you know your Bible, you will not by swayed by tone and trend, but by truth. If you want to know how to test a teacher, know your Bible. Knowing God’s word for yourself is your best safeguard against false teaching. The blame for the growth of movements such as the New Apostolic Reformation (Bill Johnson and Bethel), the popularity of emergent (Rob Bell) and affirming (Jen Hatmaker) teachers, can be squarely blamed on our lack of Biblical literacy. Even though these teachers and their content present to us a version of Jesus almost unrecognisable from his portrayal in the gospels, we remain unable to apply the scriptural proof test to what they say and write because we simply do not know the Bible well enough!
Here’s something crazy. AW Tozer, in his book THE CRUCIFIED LIFE, spoke about applying a Scriptural Proof Test to “phrases and mottos that on the surface look great but are not rooted in Scripture or that mostly bolster one’s self-image,”. Nearly 60 years after his death, as we see more and more “self-help spirituality” in devotionals and “Christian” books marketed to women, you have to wonder, would any of them pass the Scriptural Proof Test?
If you are using human teachers as the sole means of understanding God’s word, by what will you judge the teachers?
John Piper
Dehydration:
Relying on second-hand revelation as the filter through which we get to know the heart and character of God is like relying on predigested food to sustain us in this marathon that is life. Pre-digested truth will not ultimately feed the truest and deepest longings of our souls and they won’t be enough when the trials come. God’s desire is for us to abide in his word, to actually live there, not to always only rent space from other people who live there.
But so many of us are unknowingly malnourished. And after a while, if we keep skipping meals, a page-a-day devotional here, an inspirational Instagram post there, we eventually do not feel hungry anymore. And it’s when the storms of life come upon us, as they inevitably will, that we realise that second-hand revelation is not enough to sustain us. We should see time in God’s word as a waterpoint, a feeding station for the race we are all called to run. It’s the waypoint we need to persevere because it is where we grow in our (first hand, experiential) knowledge of and confidence in God. That is why David can say Psalm 119 v 11: because I have treasured your word in my heart I can do your will.
Our ability to keep running our race is directly linked to our ability to keep returning to God’s word for sustenance.
Diluted Witness:
The number one accusation made about Christianity is an accusation made against Christians. Against us. That we are hypocrites. And we are. It’s the human condition. Even the people who call us hypocrites are hypocrites. But our inability to apply our faith to how we interact with our neighbours (or the guy next to you in traffic), pay our bills (or don’t pay them), exercise integrity in our business dealings and compassion in our context and, in general, the lack of the fruit of the spirit in our lives, can all be chalked up to us having very little by way of an authentic daily walk with God and a clear picture of what we really need to be obedient to.
This has been my experience. When I have spent time in God’s word and in prayer: It is like putting on a pair of glasses at the start of the day that influence how you see the rest of your day. It changes your expectations, your outlook, and your thinking, and therefore influences your actions, reactions and feelings. When our eyes are opened in that way, we see God operating in our lives more clearly, and we become first-hand witnesses. And our witness becomes authentic, fresh and relevant because it’s not the well-fitting story written by someone else at the start of every devotional chapter but your lived experience of walking with God. What if we tried that every day? Maybe then they will say about us what was said about Peter and John in Acts 4, that we are ordinary people made extraordinary just because we have “been with Jesus” (V13).
How are we to respond as believers to everything that is happening in our country? Is there an alternative response that is deeper than “you have to stay positive” and more nuanced than “just trust God?” Most South Africans find themselves in a state of either despondency or desperation when it comes to the state of our nation. There seems to be this corporate anxiety that every water-cooler convo is feeding and every “kuier” around the campfire is stoking. I have found a few things more challenging in the last 3 years than navigating my fear for the future in the context of my faith as a South African. And when I am braving traffic at stage 6 load shedding where it seems everyone forgot how a 4-way stop works, while my food rots away at home in my fridge, it’s hard to feel or act like a Christian, much less think like one.
Listen, the irony that I am writing this to you in a month where we are up to stage 6 load shedding (we all know it’s actually stage 8 right?) and our crime stats have just been released is not lost on me. It has meant that what I share with you here is what I have had to wrestle through and wrestle down in my own spirit first, as I struggled with wave after wave of fear, frustration and hopelessness, same as you.
As believers, we live in this tension, between what we know about life and what we know about God. Between what we see and what we believe. Between faith and fear. And we are always either feeding one or the other. Given greater credence to one or the other. Allowing the one to shape/ influence/ guide us (and our conversations) most, or the other. It’s no wonder we are always called to take our thoughts captive (2 Cor 10 v 3 – 5), to focus on what is good (Col 3 v 2), to practice gratitude and persistent prayer (1 Thess 5 v 16 – 18), to trust in God’s reasonings and abilities over our own (Prov 3 v 5 – 6). It’s for this very reason. Because God knows how fragile our faith is, our egos, and our minds. Because the alternative is for our peace to be completely dependent on and for our faith to ultimately be derailed by our circumstances. I have never come closer to this reality as in this season of my life.
But what does this look like practically, in our feelings and responses around where we are at as a country?
We are afraid:
Let’s be honest. For many of us, this fear is based on facts…on first hand experiences. Many of us represent the actual faces of the actual people that make up the actual (and frightening) crime statistics of our country. I do not talk about fear metaphysically anymore. For me is a visceral thing as much as a mental thing. So please don’t think I am going to flippantly throw around “faith over fear” slogans and just tell you to try harder not to be afraid. I know what it means to be truly afraid for my life and the lives of those I love. But that means I have been confronted with this argument that, because I have a legitimate reason to be afraid, I should have that fear govern my next move. My every move.
But the Bible calls us to live carefully, not fearfully. The Bible uses words like prudent, circumspect and wise when it comes to making decisions. Not fear. Never fear. The only worthy form of fear that Scripture acknowledges is fear of the Lord – i.e having God in His rightful place in my life based on an accurate acknowledgement of who He is. And that tracks, because when (fear of) the Lord is in the right place in our lives – we are not likely to be slaves to any other forms of fear and we are more likely to live lives of practical wisdom and insight (Prov 9 v10) We are often much more knowledgeable of the things we should be afraid of – swopping “did you hear what happened to so and so” stories – than we are of the character and nature of God. We often put fear first instead of putting God first. But what if I allowed what I knew and understood about God to govern the way I live, instead of all the things I was afraid of? I refuse for my decisions to be governed by any fear other than a fear of the Lord. I refuse to have my emotional well-being dictated to me by Load shedding and my spiritual stature to be stunted by crime stats. And I refuse for decisions based on fear to misalign me with God’s will for my life.
“The way we make our anxious thoughts smaller is by making our awareness of God’s greatness bigger. “
Louie Giglio
We feel uncertain:
There are just so many “what ifs” right now. What if the grid does collapse? What if our businesses go under because of load shedding or corruption? What if commercial opportunities dry up and our children can’t find jobs? In fact, “We need to give our kids better opportunities” is one of the key (fear) factors that it the motivation behind people leaving. Uncertainty fuels fear. We as believers can deal with uncertainty not because we know the future but because we know the God who holds our future. We know what He is like. We know what He has purposed for us, not a life of prosperity and pleasure, but a life of passion and purpose inside His providence and provision, even in the darkest times. And we know these are not empty promises because God put the weight of His love behind them when he sent his Son. If he has already done the hardest thing, can we not then trust Him with the details of our lives (Rom 8 v 32)?
The promises of God are not a myopic and thoughtless response to reality, a band-aid for the melancholy of the masses. They are declarations of ultimate truth, ultimate reality, that we can direct our thoughts towards every time someone sends us a doomsday newsletter or traps us in a fear-ridden conversation. They are what is most true about us, even in our circumstances.
It is there, in those moments, that I remind myself (and others) that my children are safest in the hands of an all-knowing God (Ps 37 v 25), that I can trust that He will show me which steps to take when I stay surrendered to Him (Psalm 143 v 8).
We are negative:
How long have we wallowed in this perpetual state of mind that believes that everything is bad? It’s all we see and all we hear. From potholes to the failing Rand, from Andre De Ruyter’s truth bombs to the ANC winning another election – Lord help us. We wonder about how the land appropriation or labour laws will affect our children, how the ever growing public wage bill and grant burden will pressurize the dwindling number of taxpayers and whether inflation is going to turn us all into vegetarians (no offence to the vegetarians). The state of our country (and the world) means news channels are never short on clickbait. If being the spokesperson for Eskom is currently the worst job in the country, then being a journalist is probably the best. And easiest. They have a consistent stream of fodder for their fear machine.
And no doubt, things are very very bad. And there is no indication that they will improve. But when we buy into this idea that it’s ALL bad ALL the time, we risk missing what God is doing. God doesn’t not only work on a cosmic canvas. He is also always at work in the micro and the minuscule, where He knows our meaning lies. That is what we read about in Hebrews 11 v 1 – 4! The Bible does not propose gratitude in all things as a self-care strategy, but because gratitude cements our faith. It makes our well-being dependent on something more than just our circumstances and our eyes open to something more than just the tangible and terrible. That is what faith is after all (Heb 11 v 1). Don’t allow the “everything is bad” narrative to steal your zeal and drain away your readiness to see God at work. When I have gotten stuck in one of those “everything is bad” conversations I remind myself of what my friend Lisa Whittle said, that things can be good and hard at the same time. In fact, it’s what Jesus himself said that in this world we WILL have trouble, but that we can’t take heart, He has overcome the world (John 16 v 44). There is a danger in the lie that we are actually supposed to have this trouble-free life. Or worse that it is our right. It makes us think the goal of life is to exert energy to get rid of all and any struggle or risk or discomfort and it makes us ineffective for God’s Kingdom. Beware the unbiblical pursuit of a trouble-free life dear friends.
“The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer. Because the smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is in the end the one who suffers most.”
Thomas Merton
We feel frustrated:
Probably because we feel powerless. Frustration is a type of energy that pents up in us when we feel there is nothing we can do. Many of us feel stuck in a state of perpetual, anxious disempowerment. But I think we’ve missed a trick.
Jordan Petersen in his study of human nature rightly encourages us to not forsake the good we can do (as does Gal 6 v 10), and yet, every day, we make thousands of choices that place our good (our comfort, our goals, our lives) above the greater good. And that, in the way we foreswear our responsibility to the highest good, we tear something out of the fabric of being that is of inestimable value.
For us as believers, we should feel this more than most. Because we know we are called and sent. Nothing about our lives, not even where we live and raise our kids, is random. Because we are planted in particular places at particular times to accomplish particular things (Eph 2 v 10). Robin Hood said one man fighting for his home is better than 10 hired soldiers. I believe one (wo)man answering the call of God right where (s)he is, is better than 50 overpaid, unproductive civil servants. I believe if instead of moaning and moving we started investing and improving we could do what God has asked all of us to do, which is to expend effort for things to be better because we were here. And I don’t even mean tons of time, effort or money! I just mean a little more than we are expending now waiting for someone to come and complaining that no one is coming! If we spent half the time we did complaining and half the money it takes to move to greener pastures to fill in a pothole, clean up a park or report a traffic light, our communities would start changing. When the righteous thrive our cities rejoice (Prov 11 v10), when we are blessed cities are built up (v 11) and when we pray for our cities to prosper instead of cursing them, we will prosper too (Jer 29 v 7). What if we intentionally supported small businesses and paid our bills on time? What if we encouraged entrepreneurship and creativity in our kids? What if we prayed for civil servants and government officials? What if we took back that park or that street corner? What if we were generous with the people we employed and diligent with the work we’d been given? What if we saw every conversation about the hopelessness of load shedding and the future here as an opportunity to share about where our hope and peace come from?
Only God’s promises can help us look at our realities differently. Only an ever-deepening understanding of His character and nature can help us trust Him more even in all of this. It doesn’t mean we act like these things don’t affect us. But they don’t have to afflict us. Our present circumstances can call us into a greater state of anxiety and distress or into a greater desire and dependence on God. But let’s not kid one another that we don’t ultimately get to choose one way or another. Uncertainty is always an opportunity for greater surrender to the one Who knows the future. And fear is always an opportunity for a deeper faith in the one who loves us perfectly.
And I am praying for you in these things as much as for myself.
..and no, it’s probably not because you’re not trying hard enough.
No shade, but I don’t buy into the new year/ new you nonsense. And that is not because I don’t like resolutions, in fact, I am a huge fan. I have a whole bookshelf full of journals and a stationary bill to prove that a new year does not, in fact, equal a new you. Resolutions contain the matter of our values and aims, and without something to aim for, well, you are just like a guy playing darts with a blindfold on. That’s true.
But, and this is a big but, resolutions in themselves hold no transformative power. The things that kept you from pursuing Christ in His word, putting Jesus first, making time to read or disciple your kids, saying no to that second piece of cheesecake or third glass of wine and yes to a jog around the block are still there. They do not magically disappear because the date changed and you wrote some stuff down.
Our resolutions often peter out by February like a 40-something woman by 9PM. And that is why, so often, we turn back to that neatly written list halfway through a year only to realise: This was just a prop to prop up my fears at the start of a new year. It was all for show. Like a politician’s Bible.
Here’s why I believe our resolutions don’t work:
They address behaviours and not beliefs. We seldom do the deep introspection of asking ourselves why we have allowed our health to diminish and our weight to increase, and what it is behind those 4 pm cravings and the long work day with no time for exercise at the end of which we inevitably drown ourselves in Netflix. Instead, we put “exercise more” and “eat less” on our resolutions for the year. Look at your resolutions today and ask yourself, what kept me from doing these things last year? What is the belief/ lie/ conviction/ attitude I am holding to that is keeping me from progressing? This is something I speak about a lot in the Mommy Diaries because we do this with our kids too. We address the behaviour without addressing the cause of the behaviour and so we don’t give our kids (or ourselves, as the case may be) the tools to actually change.
They can seem very pass-fail. Let’s say we set a goal to have a daily time of devotion. Often the result is that we believe we have only succeeded if we had time in God’s word at 5 AM for 30 days straight. See? Pass/ fail. Which kinda makes you wanna give up, right? Here’s something I think is better. What if instead we gently corrected our priorities (and diaries) so as to gently direct our time and therefore our effort towards putting God first more regularly instead of less regularly? What if instead of setting a finite goal we identified an area where we know we need to do some intentional work and aimed for progress in that area? Then, if you managed 3 quiet times this week and 4 next week, that is a pass, not a fail, if your goal was “Spend more time in God’s word” and not “Have quiet time every day”. Ya feel me?
We try to go it alone. Most often with our white-knuckle-willpower and the latest self-help book under one arm. But life change comes from heart change and heart change comes from God. Your growth in discipline, maturity and character is not a DIY Project. The transformation we seek is valid, but the means by which we seek it are often insufficient. We need Jesus to transform us into His likeness, and resolve alone isn’t enough. The Bible tells us to “commit our plans to the Lord” (Prov 16 v 3), and it’s a verse we love quoting at this time of the year! But here’s where we go wrong: to “commit our plans” does not mean to make our plans, piously pray about them and then go on our way. That word “commit” is the Hebrew word “galal”, which means to roll away or roll down a burden, the way a camel, in order to lay down a heavy load, must kneel down and tilt over so as to roll its heavy load onto the ground. So to commit our plans to the Lord means surrendering them to Him in recognition of our need of Him in every area. How would you approach your goals differently if you had a greater sense of your dependence on Christ?
Our new year’s resolutions most often reflect our discontent. I am not saying there is anything wrong with desiring change but 1) often the change we desire is circumstantial or external and 2) the real power for change actually lies in contentment. Not discontentment. So we enthusiastically (even spiritually) set those – often external, often circumstantial – goals and then say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4 v 14). But if we ever read this often misquoted verse in context this is what we would see: The thing Paul was able to do through the strength Christ gave him was to be content in all circumstances, with a little, with a lot, with abundance or with need. Because THAT is what the strength of Christ is for. The strength of Chris is to power our contentment. Not our discontentment. But, if we read v 11 – 13 we would also see that Paul said he “learned” to be content. Learning implies a process. What would change about your new year’s resolutions if learning to be content was the driver and not your perpetual discontent?
Whether resolutions are your vibe or not, don’t place your hope in your ability to change yourself. Because if that was actually possible, Christ died for nought. If you believe what the gospel tells us about Him and about ourselves, that true transformation is only found in Him, what would you resolve to do this year? How would that truth change the focus of your resolutions from outward to inward?
Need inspiration? I once came up with a list of “what not to do” as my new year’s resolutions: read it here.
Do you battle financial fear in your everyday life? I think, at least post-pandemic, it’s real for most people on some level ( I dunno, maybe not so much for the people who manufacture sanitisers?) The pandemic, for most of us, was like having the carefully placed chess pieces of our lives all thrown up into the air, with every piece coming down in a different place, and many falling on the floor.
The Bible has a lot to say about financial fear. But I think, as is often the case, the way we approach these scriptures sometimes hinders us from truly extracting the transformational value God has for us in His word. Because, as is often the case, we come to the Word of God looking for it to say something about us, looking to it to affirm us and tell us something about ourselves that might help us. When really, what would likely help us most, is not knowing more about ourselves, but knowing more about God, the one we are truly called to trust. As I always say, you can’t trust someone you don’t know! The fact is that we cannot find the solutions to the problems that plague our inner lives with more truth about us. Most of the time, we are the problem. Our inner lives are the problem. Our hearts are the problem (Jer 17 v 9) and we certainly can’t be on the right path by following it. Truth and wisdom are not found in more of us but in more of Him (Prov 14 v 14).
I recently turned to Luke 12 v 29 – 32 to seek comfort for the fears that have plagued me about my own uncertain financial future.
“Don’t strive for what you should eat and what you should drink, and don’t be anxious. For the Gentile world eagerly seeks all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his Kingdom, and these things will be provided to you. Don’t be afraid, little flock, because your Father delights to give you the Kingdom. “
Luke 12 c 29 – 32
Sure, if I were to look at this verse trying to figure out what I needed to do, I would easily see that I needed to NOT STRIVE and NOT BE ANXIOUS. Have you ever tried to tell yourself/ your mind to simply stop worrying about something? Me personally? I have never managed it with any success. And if you have you must be mentally far stronger than me. In my experience, it’s like telling a toddler to stop doing something. Sometimes it just makes them want to do it more. But what if I looked at this verse to tell me something about God? Then this is what I would see, a list of powerful truths about the character, nature and abilities of God:
1. God knows I have fear around money. That is why He tells me to not strive, not be anxious, not be afraid. His knowledge of me comforts me, because through that I know, He sees me, He knows what it’s like inside my head (Ps 103 v 14)
2. He is my Shepherd, that’s why He calls me His flock. If I am the flock and He is the shepherd that means I can look to Him for guidance to pastures that would feed me, and I can say like David in Psalm 23, that if God is my shepherd, I lack nothing that I need.
3. He is my Father. That means I am his child. I have kids, and just like I, an earthly parent, know what my kids need and try to give it to them, God, who is a perfect parent, knows what I need and I can trust Him (Luke 11 v 11 – 13).
4. He is my King. Because, according to this verse, He delights to give me the Kingdom. Only a King can do that. A king can take all the resources of His Kingdom and apply them in accordance with His will. He is able to exert power and sovereignty over all that is in His Kingdom on my behalf. If you, like me, work for yourself, with your work dependent on support and opportunities, then this is immensely comforting.
5. He is generous. The verse tells me that He “gives” me the Kingdom. He doesn’t rent it to me, or lend it to me. He doesn’t wait to see if I qualify. He is generous, thus He gives freely.
6. He is delighted to do it. The verse actually uses that word. I do not have to convince Him, He is not reluctant or unwilling. Actually, this word in the Greek (eudokeõ), means He thinks it’s a good idea, an idea He is well pleased with.
I don’t know about you, but for me, financial fear is an almost daily battle. I am not a salary earner. Neither is my husband. We both experience huge fluctuations in our monthly earnings, which can be nerve-wracking. So when I talk about a battle, that is what I mean. It’s not something I just struggle with occasionally. And when you are in a battle, you need a form of attack. You need weapons, and you already know, that because this is not a flesh and blood battle, the weapons need to be different too (Eph v 12 – 17).
That is why I have found these 6 truths to be a powerful antidote to my daily battle with financial fear.
Dear friend, may this truth also minister to your heart today, and every day that you battle financial fear. That God is a shepherd who can guide you, a Father who knows what you need, and a King who can exert authority over your circumstances, and He is and does these things with generosity and delight.
My parents live in a small town in the Karroo, and if you’ve ever met them you will know what pretty much all the people in that town knows: My parents are awesome. And certainly, I’d always assumed that small town life has certain, albeit clichéd, characteristics that we always think would not be part of city life. No lack of community there! You know, people dropping in, knowing your neighbours and going the extra mile for one another. When my dad fell in during the pandemic I saw community in action, from referrals to in home care givers, to virtually daily meal drop offs that meant my mom and I did not cook the entire 2 weeks I was there. Even the pharmacist and Doctor made housecalls. Afterhours! It was like being in a TV series from the 70s.
I left thinking it must have something to do with where they live. And what they are like as people. I mean who wouldn’t seek out opportunities to serve and love people who are so easy to adore? But the pandemic proved me wrong again because in a series of unfortunate events for our family that started in June all the way through to December, there was a steady stream of people, prayer and food going in and out of our house. At the height of our struggles the people showing up here unannounced far outnumbered people sending “let me know if you need anything” messages. My kids stood astounded time and time again, and they saw the truth of John 13 v 35 in action:
“By this all will know that you are My disciples – if you have love for one another.”
And this is what I realised about Christian community:
The truth about Christian Community.
But as we live more and more insular lives (thanks Pandemic) and focus more and more on individualistic motivations (thanks American Christianity. No offense), I have seen Christians neglect community and I have seen the cost of that – for them and for their kids. As much as life in community has so many benefits – many of which are obvious to those who are watching our lives – so the drawbacks of more and more Christians neglecting community have also become more and more pronounced.
What our lack of community is costing us:
It’s costing us our fervor. Paul tells us that we need one another so we don’t lag in our enthusiasm for the things of God and the people of God (Rom 12 v 9-10). We need others to keep our faith glowing and growing. But just like an ember burns lower and lower over time when it’s outside of the fire, so our faith, without the fire of connection to the body of Christ, starts to diminish, until soon lives of faith are so lukewarm they are indistinguishable from those around us.
It’s costing us connection. Many people, like us, live far from family, and when community is not cultivated intentionally, there is no one to bear our burdens along with us when we suffer loss or trauma, or even just when our geyser bursts or our kids are sick.There is no one to celebrate with us when things go well either. Shared experiences foster deeper connection.
It’s costing us our growth. Lack of fellowship is a prime growth inhibitor for Christians because when we take ourselves out of community we inhibit the influence of other believers that are called to be instruments of grace in our lives (Heb 3 v 13), and us in theirs. Our faith stagnates as unproductive behaviors go unchecked and every area of our lives is impacted, the most important 2 being our marriages and our parenting.
It’s costing us our credibility. No amount of Sunday church or worship music or Christian books will testify as loudly to our kids about what it means to be a believer as life in community with other believers. Our disconnected way of life preaches a louder sermon to our kids of how to do life, declaring how much we value our own time, our own freedom and our own wisdom and our own plans over the call of Christ in our lives, the call to discipleship, community, to service and sacrifice, to accountability and confession, and commitment to the truth. And it turns us into hypocrites. The first ones to notice will be our kids.
It’s costing us our commission, the one we were all called to – to go and make disciples. When we do not see Christian community the way God sees it, we start to see church as optional and certainly church membership as completely superfluous. And in our church skipping, church hopping and church shopping we go being part of a family to being part of an audience. We’ve gone from asking how we can serve to demanding to be served. We have gone from asking how we can be equipped for this great work to how we can be entertained so we can leave feeling great. And the work of God falls by the wayside, in our families, communities, cities and countries.
It’s costing us our back up – something every parent will find they need. Removing outside Christian influences from the social fabric of our kids’ lives means when the time comes for guidance, when their ears are longs since deaf to your sermons – and believe me this time does come- there is no alternative trusted grown up voice that you or your child knows and trusts well enough to speak life into the dead and dark areas of your children’s lives that you have been shut out of.
It’s costing us our faith. The Apostle John speaks of this cross formed fellowship of us to God and us to one another when he says “but if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ His son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1 v 7). Blood is a cleansing agent, and when one member is cut off from the body is no longer experiences that cleansing flow. A fellowship that is both vertical (with God) and horizontal (with other believers) is critical for the sustaining of our faith, especially in the world and the culture we live in.
A life that lacks community is costly to our families and our faith.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should ONLY have Christian friends. No ways. But God’s wish is that we should prioritise it over other social relationships:
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, but especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Gal 6 v 10
He also designed it so that our fellowship would extend beyond just getting together in Church on a Sunday and sharing a cappuccino afterwards. The Greek word used in scripture, Koinonia, is not simply limited to doing church together (Acts 2 v 42), but also sharing in all other aspects of life together (Phil 3 v 10) (2 Cor 9 v 13). This is the kind of fellowship that impacts our kids, our communities, our cities, our world. It did back then. It can today.
God’s wish for us is that the gospel would have both a vertical and horizontal impact in our life and that our community with Him and with others would be fruitful. Thát is cross formed community.
If Christian community is lacking in your life, the solution is easy:
Ask yourself why:
It could be church hurt/ disappointment because of previous experiences/ distrust of people
A misalignment between what God prioritises and your own priorities
Lack of diligence and/ or devotion to the things of God over time
It could be any number of things, but all of them likely require you to ask the hard questions, repent and recommit your heart to live out what you say you believe.
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).
Ask God who:
Ask the Lord who you can invite or connect with. Make it a matter of prayer.
Ask yourself when:
Community takes time and effort let’s be honest. But what it will cost you in time and effort is nothing compared to the fruit it will bring about in your life and that of your kids. Everyone is busy, but the fact is that we exercise a lot of choice over our schedules even if we pretend we don’t. We make time for what we want to make time for. When our hearts are aligned to God our priorities will be more and more aligned to his. His heart is that we prioritize “one another” – a phrase occurring 56 times in the New Testament.
“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:25).
I spent most of my professional career living in constant anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Performance reviews filled me with fear that “this time they were finally gonna realize, I don’t even belong here!” I lived in constant dread that the gig was about to be up. But it wasn’t. I never got fired. In fact, I consistently got promoted, awarded, and advanced. This is not a carefully crafted humblebrag. I am telling you this to illustrate something you, that – if you are reading this right now – you probably already know very well: There is a rigid dichotomy between the internal and external realities of someone who suffers from impostor syndrome. You’ve felt it. Otherwise, you would not be reading this blog, right? People with impostor syndrome are driven to perform, people-pleasers, and perfectionists. And they live in a constant state of fear all. the. time!
Pop Psychology has given us a lot of input on overcoming impostor syndrome, and it goes something like this:
Overcoming through achieving:
According to one South African celeb, your ability to overcoming impostor syndrome is directly related to your ability to achieve success. According to her, what you need is to achieve and perform your way out of that crippling self-doubt.
Convince them. Or is it you?
She continues to advise that overcoming impostor syndrome is as simple as focussing on proving other people wrong. Because apparently either “they” (I don’t know who they are but I think from this article it’s men?) are trying to snuff out your light, or you are “afraid of being great”. So in other words problem is either you, or them, or maybe both? But either way, prove them wrong.
Rehearse your past achievements to boost your confidence:
Another well-known author who has sadly become popular among believers despite her wonky self-help theology and anti-gospel teachings, overcoming impostor syndrome works as follows: you need to remind yourself what you have already accomplished and convince yourself that you can do anything you set your mind to. Write a letter to yourself, from yourself, to boost confidence. Not kidding. This is the actual advice.
Have faith in yourself:
She goes on to say that – to overcome impostor syndrome – all the knowledge and the truth you need is already in you. Her advice highlights what, at the core, makes the self-help gospel bogus: That you can find the answers to what is wrong with you, in you. That you can be the problem and the solution, at the same time. Apparently, you don’t need any other kind of faith other than faith in yourself. But here is what is diabolical about this advice: Asking me to have faith in myself when a lack of faith in myself and my ability is exactly the reason I have impostor syndrome makes no sense. It sounds very Nike-ad-slogan-y, but it doesn’t actually change anything.
Most of what I’ve read about overcoming impostor syndrome has been about as fulfilling as eating donuts for breakfast. It offers an impressive rush of sugar that tastes (sounds) good, but does not deliver enough for a race run well.
If my succeeding is the only thing that will prove that I am not an impostor, then surely failing will prove that I am one? If the list of victories is supposed to bolster me, then what am I supposed to do with the list of failures and losses, which are unavoidable? How am I supposed to look at them (and myself) if all of my wellbeing balances on the precipice of my successes? Is it any wonder people with Impostor Syndrome never try new things, because we are so desperately dependent on successes to keep proving us wrong about ourselves that the thought of failing at something paralyzes us so we would rather not even try!
Overcoming impostor syndrome by proving ourselves to others puts the control of how we see ourselves squarely in their hands. Our boss, our colleagues, that group of moms that hang out in the carpark at school. When my whole aim is to prove myself to others, my work, my effort, my excellence all becomes fueled by what other people think. But the opinion of another is an uncontrollable, fickle, changeable thing that can never satisfy the soul-deep craving for acceptance we all carry.
What if it’s not our impostor syndrome that drives us to crave validation from others and from our achievements. What if our yearning for outside affirmation and acceptance is actually at the core of the issue and impostor syndrome is only its manifestation? What if we keep getting the wrong prescription because we keep making the wrong diagnoses about what is at the core of our condition?
The core issue is not that we feel like a fraud, it’s that we don’t feel accepted and we are looking for that acceptance in the wrong place. All of our work and effort becomes about cultivating an image and manipulating acceptance because the fact is that we are deeply and intimately dependent on it.
The core issue is not that we don’t have enough confidence, it’s that we are hoping to gain confidence from our competence. And don’t get me wrong, we should always strive for competence and excellence in whatever we do, but if we are doing that in order to just feel ok with ourselves our striving is born of wrong motivation. Not from faithfulness with our talents and gifts, but from a desire to construct for ourselves indestructible confidence. And because we are human, because we will make mistakes, because we don’t know everything, some days our competence will fall short and then our confidence will fail, again.
The core issue is not that we are not able, the core issue is that we would rather rely on our ability over God’s. Because self-reliance is easier than faith, and control is easier than surrender. Popular advice on impostor syndrome puts us in a position where we need to boast in our strengths to have an identity when Paul says he boasts in his weakness in order to create space for God’s power (2 Cor 12 v 19). Why do you think Paul said that he counted every single accomplishment he had as a loss (Phil 3 v 4-7)? Because he knew that rehearsing our list of accomplishments as Rachel Hollis encourages us to do, will keep us from understanding where true worth is found.
The core issue is not that we don’t belong, the core issue is that we have mistaken belonging for beloved-ness and given the determining power to decide on both to other people or worse yet, to our ourselves.
Imposter syndrome is a lie relating to our truest source of acceptance. Read that again.
As a Christian suffering with impostor syndrome, here is the question that I have had to face as I started understanding what was at the core of this struggle:
Am I truly convinced by Christ? Because at the heart of impostor syndrome lies my lukewarm conviction regarding the soul-deep acceptance I actually already have in Him.
A gospel centered approach to overcoming impostor syndrome.
The truth is that we parade out our trite lipservice-level grasp of the gospel right next the claims of the self-help gospel that we are enough (but at the same time we need to hustle harder) and that we should not worry about what others think (but on the other hand unless others don’t confirm that I am not a fraud I will continue to believe I am one). We live life with a bit of Jesus sauce over it – saying that Jesus is enough but spending our lives trying to prove that we are. These things cannot all be true at the same time. Is it any wonder we make no headway with our overcoming impostor syndrome?
Until we get real about what we really believe about what Jesus has done for us and what that means for every part of our lives, we will never overcome impostor syndrome. The self-help gospel has found in us the fertile soil of people who are always hoping that some person, thing, some system of success, some event or fixed future point will finally settle in us the age-old question of our acceptance and worth, will finally represent to us that point of arrival where striving seizes.
“But as long as you are waiting for the mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run? This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burnout. This is the way to spiritual death.Well, you and I don’t have to kill ourselves. We are the beloved. That is the truth of our lives. “
(Henri J. M Nouwen – Life of the Beloved)
Our beloved-ness is the message of the Gospel. Christ’s declaration through His death and resurrection is that we are loved perfectly and it is out of that truth that we are called to live, work, act. Are you convinced of this? Are you convinced of it daily?
“The Gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope” (Timothy Keller)
There is a reservoir of love at the center of our lives, streaming out of the One who calls us out of the darkness of putting our hope in other people and our achievements, into the light of a life lived as one loved perfectly and accepted fully – not because we earned it but because He paid for it. That is the Gospel, and that was enough.
