Mar 19, 2018 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipleship, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting, Tips, Toddlers
There are more than 3 things. Obviously. Like, that a certain time of the day – the time that was previously referred to as happy hour – would now be referred to as unhappy hour. And that someone else’s bathroom, sleeping and eating habits would be dominating my conversations for the foreseeable future (and that I would see absolutely nothing wrong with that!). While I was pregnant with my firstborn, I read all the books. I knew about sleep training and pureed organic veggies. But there where soul challenges that I was about to encounter on my journey into parenthood that no one ever told me about.
(This blog is an abbreviated version of a talk called The 10 things I wish someone had told me about being a Mom – for more info on booking a talk or workshop please click here)
I have only been a mom for 11 years. According to Malcolm Gladwell that makes me an expert. But he’s wrong. I am categorically not one! But let’s face it, as moms, we really just need all the help we can get, and if you are reading this that means you agree with me on one thing – This parenting thing is flat out hard! It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve done and I grew up with 3 brothers and I am South African and I’ve competed in an International Beauty pageant! I will take on 12 competitive blonds with perfect teeth over an 11-year-old boy on a mission any day of the week!
So here are a few thing that I wish someone had given me a heads up about:
THAT IT WOULD SHAKE THE FOUNDATIONS OF MY IDENTITY AS A PERSON:
When I became a stay at home mom, I dreaded the “So, what do you do?” Question in social settings. I felt unjustified telling people I was a stay-at-home mom. It used to be so easy to talk about the career I was so proud of, and the awkwardness I felt at this new role in my life made me realize how much of my worth and identity I found in what I did for a living.
Woman are meaning makers and meaning-seekers, and when we become moms no one highlights to us the risk that we may now exchange one wrong source of meaning and identity for another. That we may very well go from being defined by our work an achievements to being defined by our home and our kids (and their achievements). That we may go from performance reviews and bonuses to the bar for our lives being Proverbs 31 (oh my goodness can you even imagine!) and the definition of our worth as our kids and their achievements! Can you imagine living under the pressure of having the justify your mom’s entire existence with every school report, or good night’s sleep! Is it any wonder even our kids our stressed!
But God never intended for us to bank our identity on the role of a dice, on the changing landscape of our roles or our seasons. Because then every word spoken in criticism of that becomes the definition of who we are, then our (absolutely inevitable) mistakes and failures (and that of our kids) are not learning opportunities or life happening, but a declaration of who we are, failures, as moms, as people. No, God’s anchor for our identity is the unchanging conviction that He holds about us, and His unalterable word over us.
Because the gospel says that we are who we are not because of what we do or achieve but because of what Christ did and achieved.
When we are in Christ, that is the final word over us.
Then our mistakes or failings will never be the defining story of our lives because grace means that we have never really blown it.
Then all that ever needed to be achieved is finished and that is a work us moms can rest in, not strive for.
Then whatever our accomplishments, achievements, and successes become a reflection of His grace and glory in our lives.
Living this truth as the anchor of who we are testifies much more greatly to our kids than striving for achievement!
THAT WE ALL LIVE BY A DEFINITION OF SUCCESS, WHETHER WE KNOW IT OR NOT
When my eldest was in Gr R they once filled in one of those cute forms for Mothers day, they go something like this:
My moms name is ___________
Her favourite Color is _______________
Together we like to _______________
But it was my son’s answer to one question that really stopped me in my tracks, literally. Where it said My mom says (Fill in the blank) a lot, he wrote HURRY UP. Jip, it was right there in black and white, “My moms says hurry up allot”.
As a mom, I defined how good the day was by how much I had gotten done. For me, productivity has always been the ultimate measure of success. Don’t be lazy, don’t slow down, do do do, go go go! If at the end of the day, the To Do list had lots of little red tick marks on it, then it was a good day. Conversely, if a kid got sick or the car broke down or I locked myself out of the house (jip, it’s happened!) then, the day, and by definition, I – was a failure.
Whether we know it or not, our definition of success, what we deem to be the ultimate measure of “good and enough” in our lives, is what drives our decision making, what we say yer or not to, what our schedule looks like (and our kids schedules) how we spend our money and our time. Comfort, status, being liked, all of these things could be our definition of success, the thing that cracks the whip in our lives so to speak, without us even knowing it.
The challenging thing about becoming a parent is that you are no longer preaching the sermon, you are living it, and they are watching.
So I had to ask myself, what am I reflecting to my boys about what I believe true success is, and I was forced to come up with a new definition of success.
So let me ask you this. If someone were to look at your life, your schedule and your bank account, what do you think they would say your definition of success was? Because it’s this definition that is messaging to our kids what we deem to be most important.
THAT THE DAYS ARE LONG BUT THE YEARS ARE SHORT
I didn’t say this, but since I heard it I tell everyone. Because I wish someone had told me!
Because we kind of all journey through life the way kids journey to the coast, always asking “Are we there yet”. In Highschool we just want to finnish and be a grownup, at Varsity we just want a real job and be independent, when we start out work we just want to reach the top and earn money and success, when we are dating we just want to get married, when we get married we just want to have kids, and then when we have kids and the shole adulting and parenting thing is suddenly very real and very scary and if we are honest, something that we would sometimes very much like to run away from! we’re like, oh my word this is so not fun! And we look longingly at older couples with older kids sitting placidly at restaurants enjoying a quiet meal (while our toddler picks gum up off the floor under the table and we are wondering if there is a changing station in the restrooms!) and we ask ourselves, when is this going to be over?
But now that my boys are 9 and 11, I can’t help but wonder, did I make the most of that time, those tough, early years? DID I see it as a shaping, refining, satisfying blessing God intends it to be or was I just white-knuckling it to get it over with!
Embrace the discipline of the moment instead of the distraction of your iPhone. God has given our children to us so we can teach them, but I have learned more and more, that He has also given them to us to teach us!
Embrace the mundane of the menial so you can find it’s meaning. Because wisdom is a treasure
Be present with your kids so you can make Christ present with them, because in every circumstance we are His witnesses, testifying to our kids what it means to follow Him in every circumstance.
Running on empty – that is how I sometimes feel as a mom. I get to the end of the day and feel like I have nothing left, like in every area, with every offering, I am lacking. Ok, so be honest, sometimes I also feel like that at the beginning of the day. Like my only hope is to just try harder, like trying harder is my slogan, my motto, my anchor. Like I am starting off from a place of lack. But that’s a lie. According to the God’s word, I have a promise not of lack, but of abundance! A promise that says I will be equipped for the Godly work of mothering with more than what I need, “that He is able to make every grace overflow, abound to us, so that in every way – always having everything we need – we can excel in excel in every good work” (2 Cor 9 v 8)
And is that not what we are busy with as moms? The good word, the work of raising the next generation of Christ followers (please
Lord!), the work of raising someones’ future husband or wife! It is the abundance for thís that Paul employs the Greek word Perisseuo for, to describe just how much grace we will receive – grace in excess, beyond average, to surpass/ overflow/ have leftover! And with every sunrise, it’s new, there’s more! Yes, please!
Make extravagant grace your slogan Momma, your motto, your anchor! I am praying for you!
Feb 18, 2018 | Children, Christianity, Faith, Family, Parenting, Win
Most of the time I am winging it as a mom. Most of the time I am inept to deal with the next challenge or hard conversation, unclear on the way forward with a particular child or a particular life stage, and very often drawing a blank when my kids look to me for answers. That’s common for me. But when my son recently came stone last in a race that was important to him, I felt a surge of relief. Not because he lost (obvs). But because I knew lots about losing. I have vast experience. Finally, an #Igotthis moment! Those are about as rare as date nights and my husband noticing my eyeshadow!
My husband is competitive, and my eldest certainly has that same nature, so we have had many talks about winning, sport and competition at our house. I am not at all competitive, so half the time, especially as a mom of boys, I’m just trying to work out what motivates them. The other half of the time I am trying to work out where the bad smells are coming from! Usually, the second question is easy to answer. The first question is much harder. So being somewhat of an expert at “not winning” for once put me on a sure footing as a mom. Losing has a sting, but it’s part of life and therefore something my son(s) will have to deal with, not burry or forget or power through.
In a facebook post and pop culture world phrases like “It’s not whether you win or loose but how you play the game” or “The difference in winning and losing is most often not quitting” are bandied around like truth. But because I’m not actually sure if any of them are true and whether they stand up as actual parenting wisdom, I decided to repeat to him what I had repeated to myself numerous times before.
Be careful of shame: As we got in the car after the “defeat”, the brave mask that he held up in front of his classmates slipped away and there was one word written all over his body language. Shame. Hard to talk about. Clear to see. Vital to address to break its power.
Just like in winning (when we should be on our guard for pride), in losing, we are to be on our guard for shame, that subjective, private feeling that maybe deep down something is wrong with us. But there is no shame in giving your all, leaving it all on the field (or in the pool as was the case here) and then still not getting the result you want. That is only shameful if your only measure of value is winning. And if you have a competitive child, it is very easy for that God-given attribute, set in place for His Glory, to become a warped yet defining driver that will put your child on a constant seesaw of pride and shame. Losing can only make you feel unworthy if winning is the only thing that makes you feel worthy and that is often the case when someone has a competitive nature. So first up, help your child do a motive check. Shame at losing is a subjective societal message (one that we as parents often reinforce) that directly correlates a persons’ value with what they can achieve.
But God, thanks be to Him, doesn’t determine our value based on what we can achieve, but instead, predetermined us valueable enough to die for while we were yet sinners, with not one single redeeming quality aside from that which He placed in us by making us image bearers.
Because it’s “just a race”: And no, I don’t say this to make “small” something that my 11-year-old experiences as almost all-consumingly big! As parents, by the way we respond to things, we are showing our children what is truly valuable. When they break the coffee table and we break down, we are saying”things are more valuable than people”. When we spend money to impress instead of spending money to make a difference, we are saying ”
what others think is truly valuable”. But when I say “It’s just a race/match/ game, in response to winning OR losing, what I am saying is: There is a bigger race, a bigger story, that we are all being written into, grafted into, anchored into as we are more and more made into the image of God through both the good and bad things we experience. There are always eternal things at play, souls, relationships, and among these things events for our enjoyment or edification must find their proper place. Putting the loss or win (and all manner of other things) in the perspective of eternity is our calling as parents.
If we spend more time talking to them about how they perform in the different spheres of life then about the Creator of Life, that is a clear message of value that should arrest our hearts as Christian parents.
And because what God honors is not what the world honors: As believers, we often dress up striving to achieve in “do as though for the Lord” garb. But what God loves is discipline more than achievement, as we see contrasted in the lives of Saul and that of David. Achievement is big and flashy, but discipline is small, consistent, hard. Super unglamorous, but precious to God. And as my kids train or study, subject themselves to authority, hard habits, choosing to be shaped over being entertained, they are honoring what God has put inside them and where He has placed them, and that is what He notices above all. It’s easy for my son to think that him losing means all the hours of training was for nothing. But it wasn’t, because it’s not the big thing we do one time that shapes us, but the consistent habits and behaviors of every day. What the world sees (and looks for) may be the medal at the end, but what God sees (and looks for) is a heart surrendered to do the hard, holy things for His glory, not our own. That is why you have to..
Be sure to do what’s up to you: All that is up to us is to steward the gift, whatever that might be. If God makes you swim well/ write well/ build well/ teach well/ make money well, give that talent the presence, priority, and patience it deserves so it can bare fruit that reflects good stewardship in your life.That is the only part that is up to us and frankly the only part we control…
Because He ultimately decides: Yes, we tend to have this idea that competition is this noble process where passions, persistence, and perseverance ultimately crowns a victor. And sometimes that is true. But sometimes it isn’t.
My husband tells a story of a classmate who was somewhat of a child prodigy both in primary school and high school, in the sport of cricket, supreme among pursuits for South Africans! At the high school, they both attended in the Eastern Cape, most of the batting records were previously held by Darryl Cullinan, but this kid broke all of them. He was that good. Thing was, this kid happened to be in the same province and of the same age group as the now legendary Mark Boucher. So what he had was an exceptional talent and passionate participation, but what was out of his hands was the timing that meant his cricketing achievements would forever be veiled in obscurity while that of Mark Boucher would go on to become the stuff of legends. We simply don’t get to decide everything, even when it comes to winning and losing and a “fair” return on our efforts.
The LORD Almighty has sworn, “Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will happen. Isaiah 14 v 24.
All the days of our lives are written in His book (Ps 139 v 16) and the extent to which we live surrendered to that greater truth, the more freedom we will have to say, I do my best, but the end result always belongs to God. And that way so does the glory.
Nov 8, 2017 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipleship, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting
“What about my quiet times?”
Three times in the last 2 weeks. That’s how many times I was asked this question by moms of young children. That’s how I knew it was a thing. That’s also how I knew I must be old!
How do you keep growing with God when you are in the throws of the not-sleeping, always-feeding-burping-changing-or running-after, why-must-they-get-up-at-5AM-on-Saturdays madness of those early years with kids?
It’s not as complicated as you think:
Raise your expectations of God and lower your expectations of yourself!
Because what would your life, your walk with Jesus look like if you expected to see God every day all day any time of day, and you got rid of the expectations of what your walk with Him is supposed to look like (which very often mostly depends on things you do)? What if you placed all your expectations on the promise of His nearness in this season of your life, instead of placing it on your own ability to carve out 60 precious quiet, uninterrupted minutes. The dichotomy is that nothing will test the fiber of your faith like being a mom, and yet in that season you are relegated to noisy cry-rooms listening to half of a sermon and you can barely carve out time to wash your hair much less wash your spirit in a solid daily quiet time. You can barely go to the bathroom alone, much less have alone time with Jesus. And there you are in a season where you need Jesus more than ever!
The good news is that I have some points that may encourage you. In other good news, I will keep it short. For obvious reasons! There is a way that we can journey with God and grow in our faith in the challenging season of early parenthood if we can just let go of the idea of that we have in our head that it’s all supposed to look a certain way. So..
Let God do what God does: Too often in life, we have a very high expectation of ourselves and actually a very low expectation of God. You can hear it in the way we pray. The way we are always asking Him to help us do things and how seldom we just ask Him to do them. He is still on the throne, even if you feel you might have lost the plot.
Do your best but don’t trust your best. Instead see parenting for what it really is – the biggest trust exercise you will ever complete and your biggest ever leap of faith! Trust God.
Let the Word do what the Word does: It’s sharper than a two-edged sword (Heb 4 v 12) and it never returns void (Is 55 v 11). When your days are long and your attention span is short, take one verse, or maybe 2 (on the days that kid slept through the night). Write it on a cue card (I use these all the time) and give yourself time to memorize it. Read it in the morning when you wake up and just before you go to sleep, meditate on it as you make dinner, sink into it as you stand at the sink, keep a card in your car and next to the feeding chair or the changing station, pray it over yourself and over your kids. Let it do something in you, instead of you trying to do something with it! Oh and listen, I love me a good ‘ole girlfriend devotional any day of the week, and of course there is a season for that, but I really believe that in the long run 2nd hand conviction won’t carry us. Each of us is responsible to get into the Word for ourselves. And the year that you have that first or second or third baby is NOT the year that you also read through the bible. Just let that go ok! Take a bite-size, chew on it for a couple of days. See what happens.
Let worship do what worship does: Do you worship in your home, or do you leave that for Sundays? Worshipping God is a powerful thing. Whether you are blasting Hillsong at full force or simply out-loud-my-neighbors-think-I’m-crazy speaking gratitude and praise to God (ascribing to Him the Glory due to His name alla David style in Psalm 29v2) as you pack the lunchboxes; there is power and authority in the act. The act of worship draws our eyes upwards and our hearts closer to God as we see Him more clearly and ourselves more clearly. Be intentional about bringing worship into your home and creating a spiritual atmosphere that can influence your spirit and help you draw near to God when the slog of parenting leaves you parched for intimacy with Him. It will do you good. It will do your children good.
We end up walking around with this huge expectation that we as moms are somehow letting our faith “slip” and we really should just “try harder or get up earlier” with some pinterest perfect spirituality when in fact there is no better time than when you first become a mom for you to realise that
weak is the new strong and that the whole parenting deal doesn’t rise and fall on your ability to parent but on your ability to trust God MORE.
AW Tozer says that it is in the nature of God to speak, He is never silent, and the one who doesn’t expect to hear God speak will discount what He says. Soooooo, higher expectation of God, lower expectation of self. Do you know what you need for the chaos and the fears and the battles of parenting (no, of LIFE!)? You need songs and prayers! And the Bible is full of both! And all the sisters said: AMEN!
Oct 30, 2017 | Bible, Children, Church, Faith, Family, God, Parenting, Toddlers |
I wasn’t too keen on writing this post. It was actually a request from a friend. I usually try to steer away from very polarizing content, and you would think that as South Africans, Halloween wouldn’t even be on the radar. But on TV and in the media, in shopping malls and at schools it’s a thing (mostly because money is a thing, am I right?)! Sometimes we humans are just such suckers!
So please, if you read this, this is not an indictment on anyone’s culture or traditions. It’s one mom’s directive to her boys to navigate a difficult, complicated and often dark world in God’s light. Mostly I’m just winging it, seriously, I am no expert on anything! If you have been to this blog before, you know that I only really have one message, and that is Jesus. So if that’s not your vibe, this is not a blog for you. No offense meant, and none taken, I promise! One of the biggest hallmarks of maturity is the ability to agree to disagree and still be kind about it.
Here is how it went down at our house. At the Browns, our definition of truth is God’s opinion about everything. And so in a lot of ways that makes even complex situations and decisions simple. Even if the Bible doesn’t outright tell us about something by name, it provides principles that appear again and again throughout that guide us in making good decisions. Such as:
Kids are spiritual beings (Jer 1 v 5): From a young age I wanted to remain aware of the fact that my kids are spiritual beings and that I should treat them as such. Don’t think because your little one is too young to understand a situation that their spirit doesn’t have insight. When The Elder was 4 I took him to a bookshop and pulled down a handful of books off the shelves in the children’s section. I told him that we can sense light and darkness by the way certain settings, images, places and people make us feel and I tested it by showing him different book covers and asking him if this makes him feel “light” or “dark”. He was very easily able to tell the difference and it was one of the first ways I used to introduce the kids the idea that they have the ability inside them to spiritually discern things. I didn’t have to teach him, he was able to sense it. This has been the basis for many discussions since, and I continue to pray that my sons will always know when something doesn’t feel right or look right and that they would be able to listen to those spiritual promptings. And we try to consistently teach them to be careful what they expose themselves to.
And we live in a spiritual world (Eph 2 v 1-10) where there are consistently 2 forces at play, good and evil. The world is filled with goodness from God and evil from Satan. That is the reality. But I don’t feel that it is enough or even right to just say to my kids, no and avoid and don’t when it comes to this kind of thing! That doesn’t seem brave nor productive. Thank goodness thanks to a Bible-believing Christian community and church we have alternatives that we can expose our kids to on days like Halloween, that respond to the celebration of evil and darkness with an intentional celebration on all that is positive and uplifting and evil overcoming!
Thank goodness there remains more in this world to be brave about – chiefly thanks to the fact the Jesus wins! Thank goodness good is still worth a party too!
Every newscast of every day feels like a hailing of the darkness in our world – do we really need a day set aside for more darkness when the light we have is so worthy of celebration? Because we are not called to hide, we are called to honour the truth that is inside of each of us, that Jesus has overcome evil (1 John 4 v 4), making us overcomers also!
We are called to walk in the Light (1 John 1 v 5-7): That is our calling as believers, a calling to walk where Jesus is, where the light is.
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.
And called to keep away from the works of darkness (Eph 5 v 11). If a 4-year-old can discern the differents between works of darkness and things of the light, you don’t need a theology degree to work out that things relating to sorcery, witchcraft,wicca (for whom Halloween is a high and holy day – for real!) paganism, wizardry, death, ghosts, demons, zombies, spells, soothsaying, star-signs etc are an abomination to God. You just need to be able to read.
Christianity is counter-cultural (1 John 2 v 15-16): A faith of countercultural virtues, like patience and meekness and hope, that is the one we profess. And as believers, we must continue to be bold in opposing that which is out of step with the Gospel (Gal 2 v 19 – 20). When it comes to choosing video games, books, TV programs, movies pastimes, clothes, whatever, I often see how hard it is for the boys to accept that something different guides our life and our choices. I get that! I get that it’s hard! But the other thing I always tell the boys, is that conviction and comfort don’t live on the same street, and I would rather they, very early on, get used to the fact that everyone isn’t the same, don’t choose the same, don’t live the same way and learn to be ok with being different in that way. How do you think I’ve been getting away with them not having iPads for this long?
If you want a religion to make you feel comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity – CS Lewis
If the roots are bad, the fruits are bad (Matt 7 v 18). Thank goodness you only have to walk out into nature to explain this even to a toddler. Based on this principle we don’t involve our kids with things that find their roots in the occult, wizardry, eastern mysticism, or other religions. So no yoga, no martial arts, and no Harry Potter here and yes, no Halloween. And yes, I know, we are weird like that.
Did you know that I wrote a book about this and other topics, from culture to current affairs, from faith to friendship, to help you have gospel lead and Bible based conversations with your kids? Check it out here!
And Momma, don’t underestimate the spirit that is alive in your child, regardless of age. I know it’s heavy stuff, but I can’t help but think we are in that age that Isaiah was talking about when he said in Is 5 v 20 – 21:Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and clever in their own sight! Just because our kids are young let’s not call things innocent that are not innocent. I cannot pray for God’s protection over my boys on one hand and knowingly compromise my child s spirit on the other.
Let’s continue to pray for the grace and the wisdom to raise kids that are wise about what is good and innocent about what is evil (Rom 16 v19), and let’s continue to be brave together!
Sep 27, 2017 | Activism, Bible, Children, Christianity, Faith, Family, Parenting, Tips
I received so much reaction to last week’s post about how to help our kids deal with rejection, with an outcry for practical, biblical tools around bullying. Spoiler: I don’t think I have any! So today I am sharing from an evolving conversation that I have been having with my boys for the past 5 years. It’s truly been a challenge for me as a mom and believer to mine out the truth of how I believe my kids should respond to bullying in amongst the pop psychology, masses of content and school presentations on the topic. What makes it harder is that it’s, of course, tricky, especially with younger kids, to really get the full story of a particular incident. And the label of bullying is nowadays applied to things our parents would have just told us to (wo)man up about, like teasing or mocking or baiting or gossip.
Because it’s hard to be a kid nowadays, it’s also hard to be a parent!
In these ongoing conversations with my boys, my aim is practical, biblical advice that would equip them not only to function well in the conditions of social tyranny present (sadly I don’t even know what else to call it!) in our schools today (no school is exempt, I don’t care how fancy it might be or even what country it’s in!), and to be arming them with the confidence to live up to God’s expectations of them in those settings. This applies both to instances where they might be bullied or where they see someone else being bullied.
IF THEY SEE BULLYING AT SCHOOL:
Look for opportunities to do good:
“See to it that no one repays evil for evil to anyone, but always persue what is good for one another and for all” 1 Thess 5 v 15 NIV
My boys are not the morality police. Nor can they fix everything. But in this as in everything, I want them to know that regardless of their age they always have a role to play. I cannot ask my boys to go and shine their light every day if that doesn’t include standing up for those who fall victim to bullies. Just like with poverty, wrongdoing, injustice, I tell them that our silence amounts to our consent and I encourage them not only to look for opportunities to be good to people (like taking extra tuck money for kids who never get tuck money) but to play their part in fostering an inclusive environment at school and looking out for peers who might need it.
Stand up for those who need it:
“Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to death; don’t stand back and let them die. Don’t try to disclaim responsibility by saying you didn’t know about it. For God, who knows hearts, knows yours, and he knows you knew! And he will reward everyone according to their deeds.” Prov 24 v 11-12 (LBE)
I have made sure that they know what bullying is (actions where the goal is to cause harm, on purpose and repeatedly) – and also what it isn’t, and to be on the lookout for it in their little sphere of influence.
One of the ways my boys can honor God in their school is to portray His love for justice, to defend the timid and encourage the weak.
Be a courageous confronter:
I want my boys to not only notice vulnerable people but present themselves as defenders of the underdog if the situation calls for it. And no, not with their fists, but with loud and direct words. We have reviewed phrases and acted out scenarios to build their confidence for these types of situations. Using a loud voice not only draws the attention of (hopefully close by) supervising adults, but also increases the self-awareness of the bully, which might – even just temporarily – halt the bad actions.
“Hey, why are you doing that?”
“I know you might be in a bad mood/ going through a tough time/ whatever, but don’t take it out on so-and-so!”
Two by two:
Of course, my first instinct is to tell the boys to just stay out of it. But that actually goes against what I believe and the kind of boys I want to raise. And so if they have to possibly place themselves into difficult situations, I tell them to do it with someone else (preferably each other). Two is better than one, especially if you need a witness and especially if you are confronting someone who is older than you.
Pray for the victim:
For every response we might have in the flesh we must always rise up in the spirit. When my boys tell me about a bad situation at school, and we pray together for those affected, it bolsters both their faith and their confidence in prayer as an intentional action against the hardships of life. This is the prayer we offer up:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for our friend who is being bullied. May he/she seek you and may you answer him/her and deliver him/ her from all his/ her fears. May they look to you and gain a radiant face, not blushed in shame or confusion, because your word says when we cry to you, you hear us and you save us from our troubles (Ps 34 v 4-6). I pray for his/ her safety, that eventhough they walk in the midst of trouble, that you will revive him/ her. Stretch out your hand Father God against the wrath of his/ her enemy and stretch our your right hand to save him/ her (Ps 138 v7)
WHEN THEY ARE BEING BULLIED:
Be a sleuth:
Every time someone is nasty to you, they are not necessarily bullying you. But if you see a pattern, don’t just ignore a situation that you can discern will escalate. Take notes of instances and build a case. Schools sometimes tend to deal with these situations in a “conflict resolution” style, which is not always appropriate, as it can make the victim feel like they elicited the abuse and now we must “all say we are sorry to each other”. Bullying is behaviour that is actually surfacing another issue, mostly one that started at home. So that is where all anti-bullying efforts should start. Make a case (the boys take notes and if there is any physical evidence we take photos ) and push back so the school can actively engage the parents of the bully and provide support if needed. I encourage the boys to take notes of dates and times and situations.
Use non-violent words in a loud way:
We have taught the boys to use this question: “What is your problem with me?”. And they have used it to diffuse many escalating situations. Confrontation helps both you as the victim as it causes a pause in an escalating situation. I know that many Christian parents might teach their kids to “turn the other cheek”, but in instances of bullying the ideal outcome for my kids would be not getting angry or getting even, but that the boys grow in courage and confidence. In John 18 when Jesus was confronted by the High Priest and then slapped by an officer, this is what Jesus replied:
“If I have said anything wrong, make a formal statement about the wrong; but if I spoke properly, why did you strike me?”.
A reasoned pushback can be disarming. It may just be that the one time you confront him, your efforts form part of a domino effect that will end up helping this person see how their behaviour is not only harming others but setting them on a path of destruction. Every bully is some mother’s child!
Defending yourself and being hurtful is not the same thing and ensuring that you push back, verbally with a wide and confident stance, while at the same time not being abusive or demeaning to the other person (thereby turning you into a bully yourself!) is a fine line that takes a lot of discussions – especially with younger kids and considering the emotions relating to these types of situations.
But I always circle back with the boys to the truth about their position in Jesus, that they are always approaching from a place of victory, not towards it.
Do not give in to fear:
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Tim 1 v 17
Even in how I respond when my kids tell me about an incident where they may have been the victim (yes, I don’t like that word but let’s just use it for now for the sake of clarity!) it’s important to not make room for fear. They read much about how serious they should take the indignity or offence by how I react to them telling me about it. Of course on the inside, I am often seething. Of course on the inside, there are few things more frustrating than being in a position where you cannot defend your young. I’d rather be on hold with Eskom that experience that sense of powerlessness. But fear is demoralising and depressing even if you are a kid! I address the hurt caused by the rejection or hurt from others in my previous blog.
Being quick to forgive liberates us from the sting of hurt or rejection and fosters true inner strength.
Be a proactive peacemaker:
“Blessed (spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor) are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will (express His character and) be called the sons of God.”(Matt 5 v 9)
If we want an environment where people treat us with respect, we must treat them with respect. If we want an environment where others have grace with our transgressions we must have grace with theirs. In order to find creative ways to confront and deal with bullies, I’ve asked the boys to think about how they would want someone to approach and deal with them should they be the cause of strive at school and – in that – to remember the golden rule, to treat others the way we want to be treated, even when we are at our worst.
It’s easy to love our friends, it’s hard to love peers who are prickly!
Pray for the bully:
“But I say to you who hear Me and pay attention to my words:”Love (that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for) your enemies, make it a practice to do good to those who hate you, bless and show kindness to those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”Luke 6 v 27-28
We pray something along these lines:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for <enter bully’s name here>. You know the realities of his life that has lead him to this point. I want to pray that you would give him a soft heart, and put your Spirit inside him and remove his hard heart (Ex 36 v 26). I want to pray that you will bring people into His life that will reflect to him the way you see him, and that you will guide me if I must be one of those people.
A straight word to us as parents:
Firstly: Anti-bullying laws are not helpful. WE (not teachers or the government) are responsible to teach our children how to treat others. No law is going to teach them that. Read any letter that Paul wrote and you will soon deduce this truth, that a law can give us a consciousness of sin, but it provides no power to overcome it. Our laws are no different, just think about it. Anti-bullying laws have the potential to victimise or even criminalise someone who at the root likely already have their own trauma. Of course, a bully should be punished, but there is no point in perpetuating the cycle of violence instead of addressing the root problems that some kids are facing.
Secondly: Yes, you would hope that teachers would take seriously their responsibility for the safety of our kids when they are at school. But despite the old adage, teachers do not have eyes behind their heads and they cannot see everything. It remains our responsibility to connect daily with our kids on more than just homework and assignments and activities, to prioritise the time we spend pursuing open channels of communication where our kids have our undivided (as in no phone) attention. It is not the child’s responsibility to share this stuff with you. You are responsible to avail yourself of how your kid is feeling and how he is dealing with difficult situations at school. We are responsible for creating spaces for our kids to feel free to share. I believe that one of the biggest reasons for the rise in bullying in schools is the total and utter breakdown of families and family structures. We work longer, we see our kids less, we no longer prioritise in line with God’s word and the foundations of marriages and families are frail and unstable. As adults, we are failing our kids. We give them access to everything from private school education to tablets and smartphones and world-class coaching and extramural activities that will turn them into early astronauts, but we fail to give them access to us, our undivided attention, a view into our walk with Jesus, a firm grasp on home taught family values.
Go to war in prayer Momma, for your family, for your school (and all it’s families) and your community.
Sep 20, 2017 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting |
He walks up to meet me after school, feet dragging, face hanging. A hard day, a hurting day. At first he doesn’t want to share it, but the crumpled note spills out of his backpack and tears spill onto his cheeks and my heart just breaks as he explains. I can spot a list of lies like a fake pair of Ugg boots, but to this 8-year-old soul, the list must be true, especially since it was written by a friend. Maybe I should say, a “friend” <just picture me making snarky air commas in your imagination>.
Even a list of lies can hurt hard.
And so we have the conversation about rejection. The sermon I’ve had to preach to my 39-year-old heart a few times this year.
First forgive: The hard work that feels like the vegetables on the plate of each believer. Get the hard stuff over with first! It’s hard to forgive. Period. And the brussel sprouts? It’s harder still to forgive someone who might never even say they are sorry. But the work (and it is work) of forgiveness is not contingent on an apology. And straight up: the level of difficulty is the same whether your 8 years old or 39 years young. We have to set our pride aside, draw close to the Gospel, realise that God holds nothing against us because of Jesus and so we can’t hold anything against someone else, and then let go of the offence. Although it’s not fun to see my son hurting, it’s a great opportunity to explore stories and examples in God’s word that shine the spotlight on Christ’s work of forgiveness towards us and take the conversation from there.
See what’s true about you: A couple of minutes in front of the mirror quickly proved that this particular list did not hold up to the facts. But the real lies that I wanted to deal with where the insidious unseen ones that could so easily take root in his little heart and mind. Just like any of us, he was going to internalise the actions and thoughts of this person towards him in a certain way. I wanted to address the faulty circuitry of the negative self-talk that this could cause in my son, right up front – because I know how hard it has been for me to rewire my thoughts to God’s truth this late in my life. Speak life over your children Mommas – take every chance you get! Provide the alternative to that inner voice that says “You are not good enough”.
Because the kid who has an enemy at school has a friend Jesus. And the one who had a nasty list written about them has his name written in the palm of God’s hand. And the kid who is not “good enough” to be included/ selected/ invited was deemed worth dying for by the King of Kings. No list of flaws, whether real or 100% made up, can undo that.
See that rejection is a part of life: We all face it, and it moves fairly swiftly as we get older from not being invited to that birthday party to being judged as less than or not good enough for <I know you have something you can insert here>…But much more vital than my son understanding that rejection is a reality I want him to see that in his rejection, he is identifying with Jesus. Betrayed by a friend, judged harshly by religious people (his own people!) misunderstood and misquoted, not well liked, in fact downright unpopular in some circles. It hurts to be (mis)judged and misunderstood, it hurts not be known, but Jesus misses nothing, He knows that and he knows us. Oh, the comfort of that! When we feel at our most rejected we draw nearer to where we are most accepted. Jesus knows! He knows rejection and He knows us. When we share scriptures like Isaiah 54 v 3 or Psalm 55 and others with our kids in times of betrayal or rejection and share the stories behind them, we are also shedding light for them on the supreme relevance of God’s Word to their little lives right now.
There is a reason why people do what they do and sometimes that reason has nothing to do with you!
Hurting people hurt people and once my kids understood that it was easy to talk about a bully or a meanie as someone who might actually be in need of our compassion and prayer. Enter teachable moment about praying for our enemies (more veggies anyone?). God calls us to regard no one in the flesh, (2 Cor 5 v16) but to see people the way He sees them and when we do that we can’t not feel compelled to pray for them.
See others differently: Once we have been a rejecTEE we can be so much more sensitive to not being a RejecTOR (and we can take the opportunity to repent of all the times our words or actions might have made someone feel the way we just felt!) Remembering the feeling is only useful if it helps us grow. I explained to him how this will actually help him be a better friend to others and a better brother to The Elder. Harsh standards and stiff yardsticks destroy friendships and hurt hearts. But we learn to be gentle with people when someone has been harsh with us.
See meaning: Another hard but true lesson for this momma this year was that man’s rejection is sometimes God’s redirection. Nothing escapes purpose in the life of a believer, thank you Jesus! I had an opportunity to share with The Younger about this particular lesson in my life and how I saw afterwards that Rom 8v 28 is really true and God can be trusted.
When people make a list of our shortcomings (whether real or made up) our first and most natural response is to want to make a list of our own that proves them wrong.
But the justified don’t need to justify.
Our egos want to “show” them, exercise revenge, force the situation in a direction that would make us feel ok again.
But we live by faith, not feelings.
And I would hate for my son’s choices (and by definition his life) to be driven by a desire to be right or a desire to be liked, neither of which are worthy goals for a child of God. Likability is completely overrated if your approval lies at an Unshakeable Source, and being right is irrelevant when you have been made right by One Perfect Act of Love. And that is where the peace is found, and the courage to move forward!
Feb 14, 2017 | Balance, Children, Family, Parenting |
Don’t get me wrong, I love driving my kids around. It’s a privelage, I get that! But truth be told, sometimes it feels more like a punishment! With 2 busy and active boys in primary school, I recently calculated that I spend 650 minutes a week in traffic with the boys. Granted when I used to work in a corporate environment it was allot more than that, but still, if I just look at the time spend during the school term, not over school holidays and on weekends, that is about 433 hours a year that none of us can ever get back. What could you do with an extra 433 hours a year? Learn another language? Do a diploma course? Finally tidy up your spare room and organise your garage? But because this is the truth about this season in my life and there is no getting around that, I have tried to look at ways to make our time shuttling from place to place count in the most practical but also the most impactful ways possible.
Here are some items that I keep in the car that make the time we spend there more meaningful:
Dental Floss: I know it’s important to floss but I also know 10 year old boys! And if I’m not standing there supervising the every day twice a day teeth brushing session the likelyhood of them blushing is less than zero – can I get an Amen Mommys?! So I keep this handy ziplock of fruity flavoured kiddies flossups in the car and that way I know it gets done! When they slide into the backseat in the morning that is the first thing I pass them!
Sunscreen: This is Africa people, nuff said am I right? We use the stick, so there is no mess!
Zam-buk: Yes, I repeat, this is Africa people! Here this little tin is a cure-all miracle!
Wipes: Because I love my kids but sometimes they are gross. And sometimes they spill stuff.
Memory Verses: One of the best places to teach my kids the bible is the car! Firstly because they can’t get away from me, secondly because they are just as bored as I am when we are in traffic, and thirdly because some of the stuff on radio nowadays will give any parent sleepless nights. God calls us in Deut 11 v 18 and 19 to fix His word in our hearts and talk about it with our children, when we are going out and when we are coming in. For this we use an amazing little book called “A Solid Foundation – biblical truths our children must know by heart before the age of 12 by Leigh Robinson”.
MES Action meal and shelter vouchers: The number of homeless and destitude people in my city sometimes overwhelms me, but I never want to get to a point of being so hardened by seeing it that it no longer breaks my heart. But it’s often hard to know what to do or what to give to truly help the people we encounter on our daily journey through our city. Because we want to do more than just give something to fill an immediate need, we’ve armed ourselves with these very cool meal and shelter vouchers from
MES, an amazing organisation with a heart for the city. Head to their website if you want to order these handy vouchers.
Pamflets: I don’t know who said it, but it’s true: “Success is where preparation and opportunity meet”. And because my husband owns his own business, I keep a stack of pamflets in my car so that, should I encounter someone in need of his services, I am prepared with information. It’s a great way to teach the boys to look for opportunities. Now very often when we have parked at the shops or at the gym, they will notice a car without a numberplate or even an expired disk and they will say, “Hey mom, this car needs one of dad’s pamflets!”. It’s a great way to involve them in the smallest steps of commerce and a great way to help them see that our family income is not some phantom ambigious deposit that just randomly materialises monthly. If you have your own business, make sure you are prepared even on the school run to encounter a potential customer, and make sure your kids see you hussle!
Tracts: No mommas, don’t freak out! I am not one of those people who just randomly hands these out to strangers! Our path through this city is often the same every week, which means we encounter the same people, next to the cricket field, at the greengrocer, on street corners, over coffee counters, the drycleaners and at the gym.
Every one of those opportunities to familiarity are opportunities for Jesus to enter in, and I don’t just want my spirit to be ready when this happens, but I also want something in my hand when it does!
Sometimes it just takes a few tweaks to take something supremely ordinary and mundane like the daily school run and turn it into a way of redeeming the time, expanding our influence and loving our city!
