Oct 6, 2018 | Balance, Bible, Christianity, Community, Faith, Family, Fear, Friends, God, Grace, Tips
Maybe this is one of those things that only some people struggle with. Like complaining about bad service or sending food back in a restaurant or wearing flowery patterns. But here’s the thing. I need help…to learn to ask for help! I recently embarked on the most terrifying, anwer-to-prayer passion project of my life, a project that I hope to be the first of many. And in the last 2 months as I have struggled to fit the rest of my overfull life around accomodating this big dream I realised, sadly, terrifyingly, that I needed help. I wish I needed to have a root canal. I wish I needed to have ducks tunnel into my scull with their beaks. I wish I needed to look after a spoilt 2 year old on a sugar high. I would rather have to do any of those things instead of having to ask for help. Is it just me?
So I’ve analysed it and here is what I have so far:
Normally when we don’t want to do something or struggle to bring ourselves to do something it’s because we think it’s going to be bad for us. Here is why we don’t want to ask for help:
Our story: We all have one. Maybe in yours, like in mine, you where praised for being independent and strong as child, or maybe in yours, like in mine, there where seasons where you realised that you needed to be responsible beyond your years because there was no one else to do what needed to be done. Family of origin can influence whether we see letting people in and asking for help as a part of normal life or as a sign of weakness, whether we view not needing anything from anyone as a definition of our value or whether we view needing help from others as being not at all connected to our sense of self. Or we may have been brought up to believe that asking for help is a weakness.
Being told you don’t actually need help: Sometimes when we try to ask for help, the response we get is one of a reframed perspective. Sometimes what we really need is a reframed perspective so yay! But sometimes what we need is help. Like, actual help. Sometimes the person we ask just ends up telling us why we shouldn’t see this as an actual problem, or telling us to just get over it. Sure, we all need a “put your big girl panties on” kinda talk from time to time, but if you’re anything like me, those panties are kinda the only ones you got and so when you do ask for help it’s usually not because you need to “woman up” to something, or because you need a pep talk, it’s because you do actually need help. But these ironically unhelpful responses to us reaching out for assistance can be the thing that keeps us from doing it again in the future.
Fear of being judged: We want to appear to be self reliant and independent. That is the be all and end all and shame on us if we appear to be dropping some balls am I right?
Fear of rejection: I don’t want to ask because what if they say no.
Pride: Pride is insidious and tricky to spot. My husband likes to call pride the “sin behind the sin”. It hides in all kinds of respectable and justifyable places. So let me save you some time and tell you what I figured out:
If I
- am covering up my shortcomings = pride
- feel an offer of help is an insult to my capabilities and it makes me prickly and hard to serve = pride
- am embarrassed and ashamed at being an inconvenience to someone when they offer to help me = pride
Needing helpforces us to admit to our shortcomings and vulnerability and exposes the lie that we have it all together – one we thought all the while everyone believed. Sure, I can call out to the Lord, He already knows I am weak and wobly. But other people don’t. I would like God on my side as my superpower behind the scenes, all the while hoping everyone thinks I am a super mom. You know like when you take all your Le Creuset dishes over to Olivia’s and they put the ready-made food right in there and you present it as your own to your dinner guests! I secretly love it when people say, I don’t know how she does it, voices tinged with awe, but mostly with envy. I know. I’m bad. But I don’t think I’m the only one!
Fear of reciprocity: I have a sibling who literally has a mortal fear of reciprocity. He can think of nothing worse than “ someone doing him a favour” and so he never asks for any. Isn’t it funny how we often measure our relationship interactions almost in an economic way. I think it’s called transactional interdependence. Also, IF we generally say yes too easily and regret it afterwards (in other words do not guard our words and motives) we are hyper aware that someone else might be similarly motivated and don’t want them to be put in that position where they can’t say no. Twisted right? And I think it’s kinda sad for us, as a human race.
Because it’s just hard ok: like I said, maybe not for everyone, but certainly for introverts. It just takes so much energy, all that explaining and answering questions, all that interacting. It seems so overwhelmingly exhausting that I’d just as soon avoid it all together.
We are all adults here, I am not trying to convince you of the benefits of kale or colonoscopies or anything, so let’s just keep this in perspective. What if I told you (and myself) that asking for help is a good thing? What if I told you what you’d be missing out on by refusing to ask for help if you need it?
Here is why it’s good to (learn to/ force yourself to) ask for help:
Because we develop courage: Vulnerability is truly brave and thanks to Brene Brown it’s also the new black. It takes allot of self-awareness and understanding to ask for help. That is not weakness ya’ll. That is courageous. It means we are aware of our strengths and our abilities and where their limits lie. That is why God said to Paul to write this down:
“My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.”
“So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I am weak I sense more deeply the might power of Christ living in me.” (2 Cor 12 v 9 TPT)
Because we develop community: Our recognition of the boundary of our strength in asking for help also means our recognition of the skills and strengths of others. When we ask for help we give someone an opportunity to use their strengths, to collaborate and pool resources with us, resulting in a stronger whole. How often do we say we value authenticity but we are not authentic. Because are we not most authentic when we admit to areas where we need help? Could our strong sense of independence and our preference for pretence be the reason why we struggle to develop significant
community? God wired us to need connection, to need each other. Actually refusing to ask for help stifles community. If we are not good at asking for help, we are likely not great at giving it. This is because we see other people not as they really are, but as we really are, and that drives how we relate to them. If we find our own need for help as unacceptable, we will project that same orientation onto someone else, hardening ourselves against their need the way we’ve hardened ourselves against our own.
Because we all need feedback: Feedback is good. We have to let people in. In his book PEAK, K Anders Ericsson explores the process whereby people gain expertise and become excellent. He proposes that the process of deliberate practice is the key to superior performance and one of the building blocks of deliberate practice is feedback.
Because rejection won’t kill you:I’m serious. When we ask for help and the answer is no, we need to remember that the answer is a no to our question, not a no over us as people. We tend to over personalise rejection way too much, making very”no” a definition of us instead of a response to our request or the outcome of a situation. What if the person we asked didn’t have the resources, whether mental or emotional to assist us? NO is a full sentence and just as much as we need to learn to say it we need to learn to hear it and be ok with it.
Because, reality: I know you are amazing at lots of stuff, in reality you are not amazing at everything IN. THE. WORLD. None of us know everything about everything. You are not Google. And none of us possess every skill in the world. We don’t expect that from other people, why do we expect it from ourselves.
Because, progress: Progress is good. Needing help and being unable to ask for it leaves us stuck – trapped in our own heads. Sometimes that is the one thing that is the blockage to the flow towards resolution or completion, whether the help you need is with a project or a problem. The relief of realising there is help available frees you up towards progress.
I know how hard this is Momma, for me it’s almost paralyzing. But we can’t fully realise our potential in any given calling or area if we refuse to draw on the help God offers us through others, just like limbs in the body need each other. He kinda planned it that way I heard! We not only deprive ourselves, but also others of the blessing and the redemptive work that being in service to each other brings about in us.
God is always working. If God is moving you into accepting a new challenge or opportunity and preparing something in you, could He not also be preparing someone else to assist you? Don’t miss God’s goodness and help because you are relying too much on your own!
Mar 19, 2018 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipleship, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting, Tips, Toddlers
There are more than 3 things. Obviously. Like, that a certain time of the day – the time that was previously referred to as happy hour – would now be referred to as unhappy hour. And that someone else’s bathroom, sleeping and eating habits would be dominating my conversations for the foreseeable future (and that I would see absolutely nothing wrong with that!). While I was pregnant with my firstborn, I read all the books. I knew about sleep training and pureed organic veggies. But there where soul challenges that I was about to encounter on my journey into parenthood that no one ever told me about.
(This blog is an abbreviated version of a talk called The 10 things I wish someone had told me about being a Mom – for more info on booking a talk or workshop please click here)
I have only been a mom for 11 years. According to Malcolm Gladwell that makes me an expert. But he’s wrong. I am categorically not one! But let’s face it, as moms, we really just need all the help we can get, and if you are reading this that means you agree with me on one thing – This parenting thing is flat out hard! It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve done and I grew up with 3 brothers and I am South African and I’ve competed in an International Beauty pageant! I will take on 12 competitive blonds with perfect teeth over an 11-year-old boy on a mission any day of the week!
So here are a few thing that I wish someone had given me a heads up about:
THAT IT WOULD SHAKE THE FOUNDATIONS OF MY IDENTITY AS A PERSON:
When I became a stay at home mom, I dreaded the “So, what do you do?” Question in social settings. I felt unjustified telling people I was a stay-at-home mom. It used to be so easy to talk about the career I was so proud of, and the awkwardness I felt at this new role in my life made me realize how much of my worth and identity I found in what I did for a living.
Woman are meaning makers and meaning-seekers, and when we become moms no one highlights to us the risk that we may now exchange one wrong source of meaning and identity for another. That we may very well go from being defined by our work an achievements to being defined by our home and our kids (and their achievements). That we may go from performance reviews and bonuses to the bar for our lives being Proverbs 31 (oh my goodness can you even imagine!) and the definition of our worth as our kids and their achievements! Can you imagine living under the pressure of having the justify your mom’s entire existence with every school report, or good night’s sleep! Is it any wonder even our kids our stressed!
But God never intended for us to bank our identity on the role of a dice, on the changing landscape of our roles or our seasons. Because then every word spoken in criticism of that becomes the definition of who we are, then our (absolutely inevitable) mistakes and failures (and that of our kids) are not learning opportunities or life happening, but a declaration of who we are, failures, as moms, as people. No, God’s anchor for our identity is the unchanging conviction that He holds about us, and His unalterable word over us.
Because the gospel says that we are who we are not because of what we do or achieve but because of what Christ did and achieved.
When we are in Christ, that is the final word over us.
Then our mistakes or failings will never be the defining story of our lives because grace means that we have never really blown it.
Then all that ever needed to be achieved is finished and that is a work us moms can rest in, not strive for.
Then whatever our accomplishments, achievements, and successes become a reflection of His grace and glory in our lives.
Living this truth as the anchor of who we are testifies much more greatly to our kids than striving for achievement!
THAT WE ALL LIVE BY A DEFINITION OF SUCCESS, WHETHER WE KNOW IT OR NOT
When my eldest was in Gr R they once filled in one of those cute forms for Mothers day, they go something like this:
My moms name is ___________
Her favourite Color is _______________
Together we like to _______________
But it was my son’s answer to one question that really stopped me in my tracks, literally. Where it said My mom says (Fill in the blank) a lot, he wrote HURRY UP. Jip, it was right there in black and white, “My moms says hurry up allot”.
As a mom, I defined how good the day was by how much I had gotten done. For me, productivity has always been the ultimate measure of success. Don’t be lazy, don’t slow down, do do do, go go go! If at the end of the day, the To Do list had lots of little red tick marks on it, then it was a good day. Conversely, if a kid got sick or the car broke down or I locked myself out of the house (jip, it’s happened!) then, the day, and by definition, I – was a failure.
Whether we know it or not, our definition of success, what we deem to be the ultimate measure of “good and enough” in our lives, is what drives our decision making, what we say yer or not to, what our schedule looks like (and our kids schedules) how we spend our money and our time. Comfort, status, being liked, all of these things could be our definition of success, the thing that cracks the whip in our lives so to speak, without us even knowing it.
The challenging thing about becoming a parent is that you are no longer preaching the sermon, you are living it, and they are watching.
So I had to ask myself, what am I reflecting to my boys about what I believe true success is, and I was forced to come up with a new definition of success.
So let me ask you this. If someone were to look at your life, your schedule and your bank account, what do you think they would say your definition of success was? Because it’s this definition that is messaging to our kids what we deem to be most important.
THAT THE DAYS ARE LONG BUT THE YEARS ARE SHORT
I didn’t say this, but since I heard it I tell everyone. Because I wish someone had told me!
Because we kind of all journey through life the way kids journey to the coast, always asking “Are we there yet”. In Highschool we just want to finnish and be a grownup, at Varsity we just want a real job and be independent, when we start out work we just want to reach the top and earn money and success, when we are dating we just want to get married, when we get married we just want to have kids, and then when we have kids and the shole adulting and parenting thing is suddenly very real and very scary and if we are honest, something that we would sometimes very much like to run away from! we’re like, oh my word this is so not fun! And we look longingly at older couples with older kids sitting placidly at restaurants enjoying a quiet meal (while our toddler picks gum up off the floor under the table and we are wondering if there is a changing station in the restrooms!) and we ask ourselves, when is this going to be over?
But now that my boys are 9 and 11, I can’t help but wonder, did I make the most of that time, those tough, early years? DID I see it as a shaping, refining, satisfying blessing God intends it to be or was I just white-knuckling it to get it over with!
Embrace the discipline of the moment instead of the distraction of your iPhone. God has given our children to us so we can teach them, but I have learned more and more, that He has also given them to us to teach us!
Embrace the mundane of the menial so you can find it’s meaning. Because wisdom is a treasure
Be present with your kids so you can make Christ present with them, because in every circumstance we are His witnesses, testifying to our kids what it means to follow Him in every circumstance.
Running on empty – that is how I sometimes feel as a mom. I get to the end of the day and feel like I have nothing left, like in every area, with every offering, I am lacking. Ok, so be honest, sometimes I also feel like that at the beginning of the day. Like my only hope is to just try harder, like trying harder is my slogan, my motto, my anchor. Like I am starting off from a place of lack. But that’s a lie. According to the God’s word, I have a promise not of lack, but of abundance! A promise that says I will be equipped for the Godly work of mothering with more than what I need, “that He is able to make every grace overflow, abound to us, so that in every way – always having everything we need – we can excel in excel in every good work” (2 Cor 9 v 8)
And is that not what we are busy with as moms? The good word, the work of raising the next generation of Christ followers (please
Lord!), the work of raising someones’ future husband or wife! It is the abundance for thís that Paul employs the Greek word Perisseuo for, to describe just how much grace we will receive – grace in excess, beyond average, to surpass/ overflow/ have leftover! And with every sunrise, it’s new, there’s more! Yes, please!
Make extravagant grace your slogan Momma, your motto, your anchor! I am praying for you!
Feb 27, 2018 | Bible, Christianity, Discipleship, Discipline, Faith, God, Grace, Prayer, Tips
(or lost or frazzled or disorganized or distracted or overwhelmed..basically, if you’re a modern-day woman)
I get it!
I am fairly confident that if you are reading this, you have a strong cerebral conviction that you MUST pray. Prayer is good. But sometimes you find yourself in a season where your prayers are trite, one-way conversations that sound allot like shopping lists and allot the same and that happen in the car or in the few minutes before you go to sleep. Or you find yourself disillusioned by a season of pleading desperation that didn’t actually “work”, and didn’t make you feel any more connected to God. Can I get a witness? I know what it’s like to suffer from distraction, frustration, lack of urgency, discipline and motivation in my prayer life. I have had to claw my way back into better habits and rhythms only to fall back into losing prayer in the blur of countless stressful days strung together. So here are some tips, from one struggling, distracted woman to another:
Determine your why: We have a ping pong table at home. It’s become a great opportunity for quality time between my husband and our boys. But my husband, God bless him, once made the fatal error of offering one of our boys a reward if he beat his dad at a heated game of ping pong. This, sadly, set a precedent whereby our son would only play when there was going to be a reward at the end. What my good husband was after, was quality time with his son. What my son was after, was a reward. It came to a point when I had to ask him a tough question: “do you spend time with Dad because of who he is to you or because of what he can give to you?”
Sometimes this is what our relationship with God is like. And this can be most evident in our prayer life.
There is no point in my starting off by saying “You must pray” if you’ve lost your “reason why”. And if you have lost your reason why, ultimately all I can tell you, is that our prayer life (or lack thereof) will reflect what we truly believe about God (eish, I know, truth bomb right!), whether we seek Him out because we have realised that in Him we live and breathe and have our being (Acts 17 v 28). Or whether we only hang out with Him if we can get something/ need something out of it. So first start off not by asking yourself, why don’t I pray, but asking yourself, what do I believe about who God really is?
Direct your thoughts and words: I have confessed before that my brain is always going in a thousand directions at once. I am like a laptop with too many tabs open. That is why “getting in the zone” to pray is hard for me. I also sometimes battle with praising and even thanksgiving beyond the tired, thoughtless phrases that I’ve so overused, and I’ve battled to find the words to pray for the people I love in a more directed, focused way.
In here I write down scriptures, promises to pray for them, affirmations and praises to help me fix my mind on God.
So go on honey, head out to Typo, I am giving you permission to indulge your stationery fetish. Call it an investment in your prayer life. Buy something that can lie open in your hand (that is why I use ring-bound notebooks), that you can easily and quickly add to. I have found that without a firm foundation in scripture, my prayers are just like shopping lists. On the other hand, God’s Word is like a prayer vocabulary and when we use it to shape our prayer language (so to speak), prayer becomes a deep, rich, two-way experience, instead of a one-way list of requests. And having something written down to pray through, for me, is a concrete move against my own internal noise which I battle to quiet down.
One of the purposes of prayer is that it aligns us with God’s thoughts and desires, and when we pray scripture we have the opportunity to internalize His very character and for our daily life to be framed by it.
Actually writing down your prayers is also a way of staying focused during your prayer times. Even if you just have 5 minutes, use them to journal your prayers, giving substance and depth to even the shortest bite of time you are spending with God and inviting Him into your world.
“Don’t just read the Bible. Start circling the promises. Don’t just make a wish. Write down a list of God-Glorifying life goals. Don’t just pray. Keep a prayer journal. Define your dream. Claim your promise. Spell your miracle.” Mark Batterson – The circle maker.
Dedicate time: I know that many of you are in a life stage where even a simple quiet time is a challenge, much less dedicated time to pray (
are you a young mom? Check this out) I am not saying there is anything wrong with praying in the car, or praying when you make the beds – we are supposed to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thes 5 v 16)! But when I am talking to my husband while driving to an event we might be
talking, but we are not necessarily
connecting, right? It wouldn’t be considered “
building intimacy”, right? To build connection you need to be fully
present. To build intimacy you need to take
time – ask any husband who has tried to rush it an failed! And so in my marriage, I may not be able to dedicate time and resources to a full-on date night, but we can sit down and have a cup of coffee, be present for and with one another and listen/ talk for as long as a cup of coffee takes. And if you are in a busy and distracting season and it’s all you have, believe me, that is all it takes: 15 minutes in which connection is rekindled, in which time is given to sharing and listening, and we find ourselves walking away anchored in, steadied, heard, connected. So set it out in your mind for your coffee break at work, or the quick lunch you grab before fetching the kids. Put your phone away as you sip that coffee, and instead of being filled with the highlight real of someone else’s fake life (yes, I know you’re are scrolling Facebook when you’re waiting for the kettle to boil!) , open up your prayer book or journal if you have one, and allow yourself a few moments to be present with God and to be filled with the real sustenance of the gift of rest.
Dump Perfect: in fact, apply this across the board to every area of your life! We often approach the disciplines of our spiritual life (devotions, prayer, fasting etc) the same way we approach diets, fatalistically. We go at full tilt, knuckling down for a time, until we fall off the wagon (thanks Cinnabon!) and then, instead of saying, “aww man, I shouldn’t have eaten that whole thing, but ok, I am picking up where I left off”, we say;”Aww man, this day (weekend/ week) is a write-off, I am giving in and I will start again on Monday!” In our spiritual life, we have this set idea that our interactions with God should look a certain way, take a certain shape and amount of time, make us feel x,y or z, and if we can’t have/ do that, we might as well not even attempt anything. And in that we lose our unction, we lose sight of the importance of the spiritual realm and its impact and then we wonder why we feel like our prayers hit the ceiling. I love the saying: “perfect is the enemy of done”. Because surely a simple, sincere prayer uttered in a moment of awe, understanding, desperation, is better than a perfectly crafted doxology left unspoken?
“If in prayer I come before a throne of grace, the faults of my prayer will be overlooked.” Charles Spurgeon
Dare to be honest: I hope you also have a group of friends in your life where you know you can be your authentic, uncensored self. Friends who love you in such a way that they don’t make you feel like your too much, or not enough, for whom you don’t need to dumb down or dress up any part of yourself in order to feel at home. I am blessed to have a few like that. And if I compare how I feel when I am around them with how I feel when I am around people in front of whom I can’t be myself, I know who I would rather hang out with, and I appreciate the authenticity of those relationships all the more. It’s no different with God. We are bound to seek Him out all the more if we experience the truth about His loving character and nature to us if we enter in with a conviction of His grace. We are bound to avoid Him if we have allowed the burden of sin and shame to pile up like dirty dishes in our soul, bound to skirt formally around Him if our picture of Him has become affected by half-truths and earthly wisdom and religiosity.
You have permission to be unhappy before God, desperate, ungrateful even, superficially joyful, just plain you.
Just take a stab at praying through the Psalms if you don’t believe me.
In Genesis Hagar refers to God as El Roi, as she experiences God as One who truly sees her in a world where she feels utterly unseen. You are seen darling, and loved, chosen, sought out not just despite of who you are, but because of it. That is the God we draw near to when we draw near in prayer.
Can I encourage you in whatever season you find yourself, to make small shifts in your schedule and perspective to have your daily life transformed by prayer?
“To pray is to change. All who have walked with God have viewed prayer as the main business of their lives. For those explorers in the frontiers of faith, prayer was no little habit tacked onto the periphery of their lives, it was their life. It was the most serious work of their most productive years. Nothing draws us closer to the heart of God. “ Richard Foster
Sep 27, 2017 | Activism, Bible, Children, Christianity, Faith, Family, Parenting, Tips
I received so much reaction to last week’s post about how to help our kids deal with rejection, with an outcry for practical, biblical tools around bullying. Spoiler: I don’t think I have any! So today I am sharing from an evolving conversation that I have been having with my boys for the past 5 years. It’s truly been a challenge for me as a mom and believer to mine out the truth of how I believe my kids should respond to bullying in amongst the pop psychology, masses of content and school presentations on the topic. What makes it harder is that it’s, of course, tricky, especially with younger kids, to really get the full story of a particular incident. And the label of bullying is nowadays applied to things our parents would have just told us to (wo)man up about, like teasing or mocking or baiting or gossip.
Because it’s hard to be a kid nowadays, it’s also hard to be a parent!
In these ongoing conversations with my boys, my aim is practical, biblical advice that would equip them not only to function well in the conditions of social tyranny present (sadly I don’t even know what else to call it!) in our schools today (no school is exempt, I don’t care how fancy it might be or even what country it’s in!), and to be arming them with the confidence to live up to God’s expectations of them in those settings. This applies both to instances where they might be bullied or where they see someone else being bullied.
IF THEY SEE BULLYING AT SCHOOL:
Look for opportunities to do good:
“See to it that no one repays evil for evil to anyone, but always persue what is good for one another and for all” 1 Thess 5 v 15 NIV
My boys are not the morality police. Nor can they fix everything. But in this as in everything, I want them to know that regardless of their age they always have a role to play. I cannot ask my boys to go and shine their light every day if that doesn’t include standing up for those who fall victim to bullies. Just like with poverty, wrongdoing, injustice, I tell them that our silence amounts to our consent and I encourage them not only to look for opportunities to be good to people (like taking extra tuck money for kids who never get tuck money) but to play their part in fostering an inclusive environment at school and looking out for peers who might need it.
Stand up for those who need it:
“Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to death; don’t stand back and let them die. Don’t try to disclaim responsibility by saying you didn’t know about it. For God, who knows hearts, knows yours, and he knows you knew! And he will reward everyone according to their deeds.” Prov 24 v 11-12 (LBE)
I have made sure that they know what bullying is (actions where the goal is to cause harm, on purpose and repeatedly) – and also what it isn’t, and to be on the lookout for it in their little sphere of influence.
One of the ways my boys can honor God in their school is to portray His love for justice, to defend the timid and encourage the weak.
Be a courageous confronter:
I want my boys to not only notice vulnerable people but present themselves as defenders of the underdog if the situation calls for it. And no, not with their fists, but with loud and direct words. We have reviewed phrases and acted out scenarios to build their confidence for these types of situations. Using a loud voice not only draws the attention of (hopefully close by) supervising adults, but also increases the self-awareness of the bully, which might – even just temporarily – halt the bad actions.
“Hey, why are you doing that?”
“I know you might be in a bad mood/ going through a tough time/ whatever, but don’t take it out on so-and-so!”
Two by two:
Of course, my first instinct is to tell the boys to just stay out of it. But that actually goes against what I believe and the kind of boys I want to raise. And so if they have to possibly place themselves into difficult situations, I tell them to do it with someone else (preferably each other). Two is better than one, especially if you need a witness and especially if you are confronting someone who is older than you.
Pray for the victim:
For every response we might have in the flesh we must always rise up in the spirit. When my boys tell me about a bad situation at school, and we pray together for those affected, it bolsters both their faith and their confidence in prayer as an intentional action against the hardships of life. This is the prayer we offer up:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for our friend who is being bullied. May he/she seek you and may you answer him/her and deliver him/ her from all his/ her fears. May they look to you and gain a radiant face, not blushed in shame or confusion, because your word says when we cry to you, you hear us and you save us from our troubles (Ps 34 v 4-6). I pray for his/ her safety, that eventhough they walk in the midst of trouble, that you will revive him/ her. Stretch out your hand Father God against the wrath of his/ her enemy and stretch our your right hand to save him/ her (Ps 138 v7)
WHEN THEY ARE BEING BULLIED:
Be a sleuth:
Every time someone is nasty to you, they are not necessarily bullying you. But if you see a pattern, don’t just ignore a situation that you can discern will escalate. Take notes of instances and build a case. Schools sometimes tend to deal with these situations in a “conflict resolution” style, which is not always appropriate, as it can make the victim feel like they elicited the abuse and now we must “all say we are sorry to each other”. Bullying is behaviour that is actually surfacing another issue, mostly one that started at home. So that is where all anti-bullying efforts should start. Make a case (the boys take notes and if there is any physical evidence we take photos ) and push back so the school can actively engage the parents of the bully and provide support if needed. I encourage the boys to take notes of dates and times and situations.
Use non-violent words in a loud way:
We have taught the boys to use this question: “What is your problem with me?”. And they have used it to diffuse many escalating situations. Confrontation helps both you as the victim as it causes a pause in an escalating situation. I know that many Christian parents might teach their kids to “turn the other cheek”, but in instances of bullying the ideal outcome for my kids would be not getting angry or getting even, but that the boys grow in courage and confidence. In John 18 when Jesus was confronted by the High Priest and then slapped by an officer, this is what Jesus replied:
“If I have said anything wrong, make a formal statement about the wrong; but if I spoke properly, why did you strike me?”.
A reasoned pushback can be disarming. It may just be that the one time you confront him, your efforts form part of a domino effect that will end up helping this person see how their behaviour is not only harming others but setting them on a path of destruction. Every bully is some mother’s child!
Defending yourself and being hurtful is not the same thing and ensuring that you push back, verbally with a wide and confident stance, while at the same time not being abusive or demeaning to the other person (thereby turning you into a bully yourself!) is a fine line that takes a lot of discussions – especially with younger kids and considering the emotions relating to these types of situations.
But I always circle back with the boys to the truth about their position in Jesus, that they are always approaching from a place of victory, not towards it.
Do not give in to fear:
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Tim 1 v 17
Even in how I respond when my kids tell me about an incident where they may have been the victim (yes, I don’t like that word but let’s just use it for now for the sake of clarity!) it’s important to not make room for fear. They read much about how serious they should take the indignity or offence by how I react to them telling me about it. Of course on the inside, I am often seething. Of course on the inside, there are few things more frustrating than being in a position where you cannot defend your young. I’d rather be on hold with Eskom that experience that sense of powerlessness. But fear is demoralising and depressing even if you are a kid! I address the hurt caused by the rejection or hurt from others in my previous blog.
Being quick to forgive liberates us from the sting of hurt or rejection and fosters true inner strength.
Be a proactive peacemaker:
“Blessed (spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor) are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will (express His character and) be called the sons of God.”(Matt 5 v 9)
If we want an environment where people treat us with respect, we must treat them with respect. If we want an environment where others have grace with our transgressions we must have grace with theirs. In order to find creative ways to confront and deal with bullies, I’ve asked the boys to think about how they would want someone to approach and deal with them should they be the cause of strive at school and – in that – to remember the golden rule, to treat others the way we want to be treated, even when we are at our worst.
It’s easy to love our friends, it’s hard to love peers who are prickly!
Pray for the bully:
“But I say to you who hear Me and pay attention to my words:”Love (that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for) your enemies, make it a practice to do good to those who hate you, bless and show kindness to those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”Luke 6 v 27-28
We pray something along these lines:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for <enter bully’s name here>. You know the realities of his life that has lead him to this point. I want to pray that you would give him a soft heart, and put your Spirit inside him and remove his hard heart (Ex 36 v 26). I want to pray that you will bring people into His life that will reflect to him the way you see him, and that you will guide me if I must be one of those people.
A straight word to us as parents:
Firstly: Anti-bullying laws are not helpful. WE (not teachers or the government) are responsible to teach our children how to treat others. No law is going to teach them that. Read any letter that Paul wrote and you will soon deduce this truth, that a law can give us a consciousness of sin, but it provides no power to overcome it. Our laws are no different, just think about it. Anti-bullying laws have the potential to victimise or even criminalise someone who at the root likely already have their own trauma. Of course, a bully should be punished, but there is no point in perpetuating the cycle of violence instead of addressing the root problems that some kids are facing.
Secondly: Yes, you would hope that teachers would take seriously their responsibility for the safety of our kids when they are at school. But despite the old adage, teachers do not have eyes behind their heads and they cannot see everything. It remains our responsibility to connect daily with our kids on more than just homework and assignments and activities, to prioritise the time we spend pursuing open channels of communication where our kids have our undivided (as in no phone) attention. It is not the child’s responsibility to share this stuff with you. You are responsible to avail yourself of how your kid is feeling and how he is dealing with difficult situations at school. We are responsible for creating spaces for our kids to feel free to share. I believe that one of the biggest reasons for the rise in bullying in schools is the total and utter breakdown of families and family structures. We work longer, we see our kids less, we no longer prioritise in line with God’s word and the foundations of marriages and families are frail and unstable. As adults, we are failing our kids. We give them access to everything from private school education to tablets and smartphones and world-class coaching and extramural activities that will turn them into early astronauts, but we fail to give them access to us, our undivided attention, a view into our walk with Jesus, a firm grasp on home taught family values.
Go to war in prayer Momma, for your family, for your school (and all it’s families) and your community.
