He walks up to meet me after school, feet dragging, face hanging. A hard day, a hurting day. At first he doesn’t want to share it, but the crumpled note spills out of his backpack and tears spill onto his cheeks and my heart just breaks as he explains. I can spot a list of lies like a fake pair of Ugg boots, but to this 8-year-old soul, the list must be true, especially since it was written by a friend. Maybe I should say, a “friend” <just picture me making snarky air commas in your imagination>.
Even a list of lies can hurt hard.
And so we have the conversation about rejection. The sermon I’ve had to preach to my 39-year-old heart a few times this year.
First forgive: The hard work that feels like the vegetables on the plate of each believer. Get the hard stuff over with first! It’s hard to forgive. Period. And the brussel sprouts? It’s harder still to forgive someone who might never even say they are sorry. But the work (and it is work) of forgiveness is not contingent on an apology. And straight up: the level of difficulty is the same whether your 8 years old or 39 years young. We have to set our pride aside, draw close to the Gospel, realise that God holds nothing against us because of Jesus and so we can’t hold anything against someone else, and then let go of the offence. Although it’s not fun to see my son hurting, it’s a great opportunity to explore stories and examples in God’s word that shine the spotlight on Christ’s work of forgiveness towards us and take the conversation from there.
See what’s true about you: A couple of minutes in front of the mirror quickly proved that this particular list did not hold up to the facts. But the real lies that I wanted to deal with where the insidious unseen ones that could so easily take root in his little heart and mind. Just like any of us, he was going to internalise the actions and thoughts of this person towards him in a certain way. I wanted to address the faulty circuitry of the negative self-talk that this could cause in my son, right up front – because I know how hard it has been for me to rewire my thoughts to God’s truth this late in my life. Speak life over your children Mommas – take every chance you get! Provide the alternative to that inner voice that says “You are not good enough”.
Because the kid who has an enemy at school has a friend Jesus. And the one who had a nasty list written about them has his name written in the palm of God’s hand. And the kid who is not “good enough” to be included/ selected/ invited was deemed worth dying for by the King of Kings. No list of flaws, whether real or 100% made up, can undo that.
See that rejection is a part of life: We all face it, and it moves fairly swiftly as we get older from not being invited to that birthday party to being judged as less than or not good enough for <I know you have something you can insert here>…But much more vital than my son understanding that rejection is a reality I want him to see that in his rejection, he is identifying with Jesus. Betrayed by a friend, judged harshly by religious people (his own people!) misunderstood and misquoted, not well liked, in fact downright unpopular in some circles. It hurts to be (mis)judged and misunderstood, it hurts not be known, but Jesus misses nothing, He knows that and he knows us. Oh, the comfort of that! When we feel at our most rejected we draw nearer to where we are most accepted. Jesus knows! He knows rejection and He knows us. When we share scriptures like Isaiah 54 v 3 or Psalm 55 and others with our kids in times of betrayal or rejection and share the stories behind them, we are also shedding light for them on the supreme relevance of God’s Word to their little lives right now.
See that person differently: I wrote recently about an experience I had where I realised the way someone had responded towards me had very little to do with me. One of the first things I always ask the boys when they tell me about someone who is mean to them is if they know of anything specific that is going on in that person’s life? Just because you can’t see the reason on the outside, doesn’t mean there isn’t something inside that person that is making them act in a hurtful way.
There is a reason why people do what they do and sometimes that reason has nothing to do with you!
Hurting people hurt people and once my kids understood that it was easy to talk about a bully or a meanie as someone who might actually be in need of our compassion and prayer. Enter teachable moment about praying for our enemies (more veggies anyone?). God calls us to regard no one in the flesh, (2 Cor 5 v16) but to see people the way He sees them and when we do that we can’t not feel compelled to pray for them.
See others differently: Once we have been a rejecTEE we can be so much more sensitive to not being a RejecTOR (and we can take the opportunity to repent of all the times our words or actions might have made someone feel the way we just felt!) Remembering the feeling is only useful if it helps us grow. I explained to him how this will actually help him be a better friend to others and a better brother to The Elder. Harsh standards and stiff yardsticks destroy friendships and hurt hearts. But we learn to be gentle with people when someone has been harsh with us.
See meaning: Another hard but true lesson for this momma this year was that man’s rejection is sometimes God’s redirection. Nothing escapes purpose in the life of a believer, thank you Jesus! I had an opportunity to share with The Younger about this particular lesson in my life and how I saw afterwards that Rom 8v 28 is really true and God can be trusted.
When people make a list of our shortcomings (whether real or made up) our first and most natural response is to want to make a list of our own that proves them wrong.
But the justified don’t need to justify.
Our egos want to “show” them, exercise revenge, force the situation in a direction that would make us feel ok again.
But we live by faith, not feelings.
And I would hate for my son’s choices (and by definition his life) to be driven by a desire to be right or a desire to be liked, neither of which are worthy goals for a child of God. Likability is completely overrated if your approval lies at an Unshakeable Source, and being right is irrelevant when you have been made right by One Perfect Act of Love. And that is where the peace is found, and the courage to move forward!
Thanks for this, Kona. The number 1 thing us parents need is guidance on how to deal with bullies/meanies. Our first reaction is to get back at them. But just this week I asked myself how to react in a way Jesus would approve and in a way that would build rather than destroy even more. It really is meanie season in our part of the world, and many children are getting hurt. And us adults don’t have the tools to help our own children.
HI Anneline! Thanks so much for your comment. I have received so much feedback on this blog, that I’ve decided to write more specifically about bullying in the next blog. You are absolutely right, as parents, we need to be intentional in arming our kids with actual tools that will actually and practically help them. Thanks for reading and sharing!