What I told my kids about losing
Most of the time I am winging it as a mom. Most of the time I am inept to deal with the next challenge or hard conversation, unclear on the way forward with a particular child or a particular life stage, and very often drawing a blank when my kids look to me for answers. That’s common for me. But when my son recently came stone last in a race that was important to him, I felt a surge of relief. Not because he lost (obvs). But because I knew lots about losing. I have vast experience. Finally, an #Igotthis moment! Those are about as rare as date nights and my husband noticing my eyeshadow!
My husband is competitive, and my eldest certainly has that same nature, so we have had many talks about winning, sport and competition at our house. I am not at all competitive, so half the time, especially as a mom of boys, I’m just trying to work out what motivates them. The other half of the time I am trying to work out where the bad smells are coming from! Usually, the second question is easy to answer. The first question is much harder. So being somewhat of an expert at “not winning” for once put me on a sure footing as a mom. Losing has a sting, but it’s part of life and therefore something my son(s) will have to deal with, not burry or forget or power through.
In a facebook post and pop culture world phrases like “It’s not whether you win or loose but how you play the game” or “The difference in winning and losing is most often not quitting” are bandied around like truth. But because I’m not actually sure if any of them are true and whether they stand up as actual parenting wisdom, I decided to repeat to him what I had repeated to myself numerous times before.
Be careful of shame: As we got in the car after the “defeat”, the brave mask that he held up in front of his classmates slipped away and there was one word written all over his body language. Shame. Hard to talk about. Clear to see. Vital to address to break its power.
Just like in winning (when we should be on our guard for pride), in losing, we are to be on our guard for shame, that subjective, private feeling that maybe deep down something is wrong with us. But there is no shame in giving your all, leaving it all on the field (or in the pool as was the case here) and then still not getting the result you want. That is only shameful if your only measure of value is winning. And if you have a competitive child, it is very easy for that God-given attribute, set in place for His Glory, to become a warped yet defining driver that will put your child on a constant seesaw of pride and shame. Losing can only make you feel unworthy if winning is the only thing that makes you feel worthy and that is often the case when someone has a competitive nature. So first up, help your child do a motive check. Shame at losing is a subjective societal message (one that we as parents often reinforce) that directly correlates a persons’ value with what they can achieve.
But God, thanks be to Him, doesn’t determine our value based on what we can achieve, but instead, predetermined us valueable enough to die for while we were yet sinners, with not one single redeeming quality aside from that which He placed in us by making us image bearers.
Because it’s “just a race”: And no, I don’t say this to make “small” something that my 11-year-old experiences as almost all-consumingly big! As parents, by the way we respond to things, we are showing our children what is truly valuable. When they break the coffee table and we break down, we are saying”things are more valuable than people”. When we spend money to impress instead of spending money to make a difference, we are saying ”
what others think is truly valuable”. But when I say “It’s just a race/match/ game, in response to winning OR losing, what I am saying is: There is a bigger race, a bigger story, that we are all being written into, grafted into, anchored into as we are more and more made into the image of God through both the good and bad things we experience. There are always eternal things at play, souls, relationships, and among these things events for our enjoyment or edification must find their proper place. Putting the loss or win (and all manner of other things) in the perspective of eternity is our calling as parents.
If we spend more time talking to them about how they perform in the different spheres of life then about the Creator of Life, that is a clear message of value that should arrest our hearts as Christian parents.
And because what God honors is not what the world honors: As believers, we often dress up striving to achieve in “do as though for the Lord” garb. But what God loves is discipline more than achievement, as we see contrasted in the lives of Saul and that of David. Achievement is big and flashy, but discipline is small, consistent, hard. Super unglamorous, but precious to God. And as my kids train or study, subject themselves to authority, hard habits, choosing to be shaped over being entertained, they are honoring what God has put inside them and where He has placed them, and that is what He notices above all. It’s easy for my son to think that him losing means all the hours of training was for nothing. But it wasn’t, because it’s not the big thing we do one time that shapes us, but the consistent habits and behaviors of every day. What the world sees (and looks for) may be the medal at the end, but what God sees (and looks for) is a heart surrendered to do the hard, holy things for His glory, not our own. That is why you have to..
Be sure to do what’s up to you: All that is up to us is to steward the gift, whatever that might be. If God makes you swim well/ write well/ build well/ teach well/ make money well, give that talent the presence, priority, and patience it deserves so it can bare fruit that reflects good stewardship in your life.That is the only part that is up to us and frankly the only part we control…
Because He ultimately decides: Yes, we tend to have this idea that competition is this noble process where passions, persistence, and perseverance ultimately crowns a victor. And sometimes that is true. But sometimes it isn’t.
My husband tells a story of a classmate who was somewhat of a child prodigy both in primary school and high school, in the sport of cricket, supreme among pursuits for South Africans! At the high school, they both attended in the Eastern Cape, most of the batting records were previously held by Darryl Cullinan, but this kid broke all of them. He was that good. Thing was, this kid happened to be in the same province and of the same age group as the now legendary Mark Boucher. So what he had was an exceptional talent and passionate participation, but what was out of his hands was the timing that meant his cricketing achievements would forever be veiled in obscurity while that of Mark Boucher would go on to become the stuff of legends. We simply don’t get to decide everything, even when it comes to winning and losing and a “fair” return on our efforts.
The LORD Almighty has sworn, “Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will happen. Isaiah 14 v 24.
All the days of our lives are written in His book (Ps 139 v 16) and the extent to which we live surrendered to that greater truth, the more freedom we will have to say, I do my best, but the end result always belongs to God. And that way so does the glory.