A mom reached out to me on Instagram as she was processing disappointment with her child after something they had prayed over just, well, didn’t happen. She ended her message with this statement – why do I keep praying when God has other plans? And I was like, yeah, I so get it!
There is not a mom I know who has not carried the heartache of our kids’ disappointment in them like a wound. And for praying moms it’s a double whammy, right? Because we are at the same time teaching our kids about God and about prayer, wanting to foster faith in them. And let’s be honest when the disappointments (read – unanswered prayers) start stacking up, it shakes our faith, and erodes our resolve to keep praying and Lord God with respect, it makes You a bit of a hard sell. Don’t we all just deep down want a God who will do what we want? There are few things in life that expose our misshaped views of God than our response to unanswered prayer.
We come to everything in our lives with biases and agendas, including prayer, which is simply the nature of being human in a fallen world. And the question, why pray if God does what he wants anyway, speaks to a core lie we believe about what prayer is and who God is. Here’s how Oswald Chambers puts it:
Our common ideas regarding prayer are not found in the New Testament. We look upon prayer simply as a means of getting things for ourselves, but the biblical purpose of prayer is that we may get to know God himself.
Oswold Chambers
Here are 4 truths about prayer that can really help us:
Prayer is about relationship more than requests. You will not have a good relationship with someone that you only ever ask stuff of. We hear it all the time, communication is the key to good relationships. That involves not just speaking but also listening. Have your learned to listen in prayer, not just speak?
Listening in prayer is about reading the word and allowing God to inform and guide your prayers. It’s about getting comfy with silence, making space for God’s spirit to minister to you. And that means it’s about planning and patience too! These things do not come naturally to us but they are all a vital part of building our relationship with God through prayer.
Prayer is transformational – Prayer is not about bending God’s will to ours, it is about Him shaping our will to His. Prayer is about partnering with God. Yes, God is sovereign, He will do what He chooses, but scripture is full of examples of how God chose to work through the prayers of His people. Scripture and hopefully even your own life, has examples of how God brings about His purposes through our prayers.
Prayer is about love. We often pray as though prayer is about convincing God of something, twisting his arm to be on our side. This reveals much about what we think He is really like. What if we started praying not with the conviction that we will get what you want but with the conviction that He knows exactly what we need? And then trusting that? To me that in itself seems like it would be transformative.
The late Timothy Keller said something once that has always stuck with me. “God will only give us what we would’ve asked for if we knew everything He knows.” I know right? Read that again! Here is what I always comfort my kids and myself with:
We don’t know everything but God does. And He loves us perfectly. And He is trustworthy. There is comfort for us in light of unanswered prayers or disappointing situations in knowing that the God who knows everything knows what is best for you or me better than we do.
..and no, it’s probably not because you’re not trying hard enough.
No shade, but I don’t buy into the new year/ new you nonsense. And that is not because I don’t like resolutions, in fact, I am a huge fan. I have a whole bookshelf full of journals and a stationary bill to prove that a new year does not, in fact, equal a new you. Resolutions contain the matter of our values and aims, and without something to aim for, well, you are just like a guy playing darts with a blindfold on. That’s true.
But, and this is a big but, resolutions in themselves hold no transformative power. The things that kept you from pursuing Christ in His word, putting Jesus first, making time to read or disciple your kids, saying no to that second piece of cheesecake or third glass of wine and yes to a jog around the block are still there. They do not magically disappear because the date changed and you wrote some stuff down.
Our resolutions often peter out by February like a 40-something woman by 9PM. And that is why, so often, we turn back to that neatly written list halfway through a year only to realise: This was just a prop to prop up my fears at the start of a new year. It was all for show. Like a politician’s Bible.
Here’s why I believe our resolutions don’t work:
They address behaviours and not beliefs. We seldom do the deep introspection of asking ourselves why we have allowed our health to diminish and our weight to increase, and what it is behind those 4 pm cravings and the long work day with no time for exercise at the end of which we inevitably drown ourselves in Netflix. Instead, we put “exercise more” and “eat less” on our resolutions for the year. Look at your resolutions today and ask yourself, what kept me from doing these things last year? What is the belief/ lie/ conviction/ attitude I am holding to that is keeping me from progressing? This is something I speak about a lot in the Mommy Diaries because we do this with our kids too. We address the behaviour without addressing the cause of the behaviour and so we don’t give our kids (or ourselves, as the case may be) the tools to actually change.
They can seem very pass-fail. Let’s say we set a goal to have a daily time of devotion. Often the result is that we believe we have only succeeded if we had time in God’s word at 5 AM for 30 days straight. See? Pass/ fail. Which kinda makes you wanna give up, right? Here’s something I think is better. What if instead we gently corrected our priorities (and diaries) so as to gently direct our time and therefore our effort towards putting God first more regularly instead of less regularly? What if instead of setting a finite goal we identified an area where we know we need to do some intentional work and aimed for progress in that area? Then, if you managed 3 quiet times this week and 4 next week, that is a pass, not a fail, if your goal was “Spend more time in God’s word” and not “Have quiet time every day”. Ya feel me?
We try to go it alone. Most often with our white-knuckle-willpower and the latest self-help book under one arm. But life change comes from heart change and heart change comes from God. Your growth in discipline, maturity and character is not a DIY Project. The transformation we seek is valid, but the means by which we seek it are often insufficient. We need Jesus to transform us into His likeness, and resolve alone isn’t enough. The Bible tells us to “commit our plans to the Lord” (Prov 16 v 3), and it’s a verse we love quoting at this time of the year! But here’s where we go wrong: to “commit our plans” does not mean to make our plans, piously pray about them and then go on our way. That word “commit” is the Hebrew word “galal”, which means to roll away or roll down a burden, the way a camel, in order to lay down a heavy load, must kneel down and tilt over so as to roll its heavy load onto the ground. So to commit our plans to the Lord means surrendering them to Him in recognition of our need of Him in every area. How would you approach your goals differently if you had a greater sense of your dependence on Christ?
Our new year’s resolutions most often reflect our discontent. I am not saying there is anything wrong with desiring change but 1) often the change we desire is circumstantial or external and 2) the real power for change actually lies in contentment. Not discontentment. So we enthusiastically (even spiritually) set those – often external, often circumstantial – goals and then say “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4 v 14). But if we ever read this often misquoted verse in context this is what we would see: The thing Paul was able to do through the strength Christ gave him was to be content in all circumstances, with a little, with a lot, with abundance or with need. Because THAT is what the strength of Christ is for. The strength of Chris is to power our contentment. Not our discontentment. But, if we read v 11 – 13 we would also see that Paul said he “learned” to be content. Learning implies a process. What would change about your new year’s resolutions if learning to be content was the driver and not your perpetual discontent?
Whether resolutions are your vibe or not, don’t place your hope in your ability to change yourself. Because if that was actually possible, Christ died for nought. If you believe what the gospel tells us about Him and about ourselves, that true transformation is only found in Him, what would you resolve to do this year? How would that truth change the focus of your resolutions from outward to inward?
Need inspiration? I once came up with a list of “what not to do” as my new year’s resolutions: read it here.
In this post I shared with you the parameters and goals we set for our eldest so that he could get a smartphone at age 13. You can read that post here and if you subscribe you will also get a free printable setting out these goals that you can use in your home.
When my kids each turned 13 and finally got the smartphones they had wanted for so long I had to ask myself now what? How do I empower them to actually master ownership of this item, instead of this item becoming his owner and master – something we see more and more of nowadays? I am hardly a veteran parent, but the one thing I have learned is that children need structure to thrive. They need to know where the boundaries are to have both a sense of security and an inkling of expectation and to experience true freedom. For them to continue to grow in responsibility and independence they need to understand what is expected of them and get the opportunity to excel within the parameters given. That’s why along with a smartphone, we sat down to come to an agreement on reasonable, healthy usage. It goes something like this:
Wow, you did it! You achieved everything on the list, and now you have a phone! Well done on developing a sense of responsibility, on learning about delayed gratification and growing in learning to prioritise what is truly important. We are proud of you!
We want to make sure that you both enjoy this device and use it wisely, we want to help you learn about using technology responsibly and not becoming enslaved by it. So here are points for us to agree on to manage this privilege of having a phone. If you are not able to comply with the items we’ve agreed to, you will lose your phone privileges.
This phone belongs to you. Look after it, because if it breaks or gets lost or stolen, we will not be replacing it with another smartphone.
If we call you, answer the phone. Never ignore a call from your parents
Continue to be discerning
Don’t search for things that you’d be too embarrassed to share with me or things you know are off limits. If you are curious, ask us. Google is not your parent
Put everything you text, email or say through this filter: Would I be ok with my grandparents reading this/ seeing this on the front page of the newspaper? This goes for words and pictures mister!
Continue to be present:
Don’t text while walking, it’s annoying for the person behind you in the mall and let’s face it, it’s rude. Nothing is so urgent that you can’t take a seat somewhere and complete a text message or just do it later. You’re not saving lives here!
Also don’t be the guy who always has his earphones in. This is why people make fun of your generation. This is also how you get yourself run over in the street. There is a time and a place to listen to music and enjoy it and a time and a place to greet people, engage with your environment and be aware.
Put the phone away at dinner times or when someone is talking to you, especially an older person. Never make those around you feel like they are boring you or devalue and disrespect them by choosing to be on your phone instead of engaging with them. Remember your manners. A phone should be a tool that enhances your relationships, not diminishes them
When your friends come over yes absolutely show them a few cool things on your phone, but then also play a game of table tennis, talk to each other, go outside, engage with each other more than with a screen.
Learn to exercise self-discipline:
Don’t randomly scroll or watch YouTube for hours. I promise you, you will not get to the end of your life and say “I wish I had spent more time on YouTube!” Set aside a specific downtime and limit yourself. Remember that self-discipline is the biggest and most underestimated power we have as humans.
Learn to manage your time wisely. There is a time to mess around on your phone and there is a time to study/ read/ converse/ eat dinner/ focus on something else.
You will not be allowed to:
Have your phone with you after bedtime because: radiation exposure and blue light exposure and also, you should be sleeping!
Have more than one Facebook/ Instagram/twitter/ YouTube account. One account per platform, where your parents will have full access. That’s the deal.
Take your phone to school. That’s their rule, not ours, and it’s a great one, because there you are actually physically WITH the people you are so desperate to WhatsApp and play with.
Don’t obsessively take a million pictures, selfies and videos. Use those functions to enhance the story you are actually living and to punctuate memories you are actually making. Live your experiences, be present with your people and within your journey. There is no need to document every second of that.
Continue to be responsible, as you have shown yourself to be, with the content you consume and the choices you make, with your time and with your resources as they relate to this privilege. Congratulations once again. We look forward to Whatsap’ing you many funny giffs and calling you all the time. Just kidding! Or not!
This might seem like a lot of rules, but when it comes to parenting we can choose either proactive or reactive No’s. We can give the kid the phone or tablet, and then, when he has stayed up all night gaming and fails a test we can say “No, that is not good, now I am going to take the tablet/ smartphone away for a while!”. That is a reactive No. A proactive No is being clear about what the No’s are in order to empower them with trust and responsibility and clarity. Then, when they falter or fail which is totally normal, we don’t have to have a negative reaction, we just have to return to the “drawing board” so to speak, to follow through on an already established, agreed-upon course of action. No strive, no drama. Even owning.a smartphone can be an opportunity for our kids to grow in wisdom, independence and responsibility when we empower them through the process.
Does your child have a smartphone? If you struggle to assist them with wisely engaging on social media or understanding the power of the internet, consider getting my book, The Mommy Diaries here, as I discuss those topics specifically.
Do you battle financial fear in your everyday life? I think, at least post-pandemic, it’s real for most people on some level ( I dunno, maybe not so much for the people who manufacture sanitisers?) The pandemic, for most of us, was like having the carefully placed chess pieces of our lives all thrown up into the air, with every piece coming down in a different place, and many falling on the floor.
The Bible has a lot to say about financial fear. But I think, as is often the case, the way we approach these scriptures sometimes hinders us from truly extracting the transformational value God has for us in His word. Because, as is often the case, we come to the Word of God looking for it to say something about us, looking to it to affirm us and tell us something about ourselves that might help us. When really, what would likely help us most, is not knowing more about ourselves, but knowing more about God, the one we are truly called to trust. As I always say, you can’t trust someone you don’t know! The fact is that we cannot find the solutions to the problems that plague our inner lives with more truth about us. Most of the time, we are the problem. Our inner lives are the problem. Our hearts are the problem (Jer 17 v 9) and we certainly can’t be on the right path by following it. Truth and wisdom are not found in more of us but in more of Him (Prov 14 v 14).
I recently turned to Luke 12 v 29 – 32 to seek comfort for the fears that have plagued me about my own uncertain financial future.
“Don’t strive for what you should eat and what you should drink, and don’t be anxious. For the Gentile world eagerly seeks all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his Kingdom, and these things will be provided to you. Don’t be afraid, little flock, because your Father delights to give you the Kingdom. “
Luke 12 c 29 – 32
Sure, if I were to look at this verse trying to figure out what I needed to do, I would easily see that I needed to NOT STRIVE and NOT BE ANXIOUS. Have you ever tried to tell yourself/ your mind to simply stop worrying about something? Me personally? I have never managed it with any success. And if you have you must be mentally far stronger than me. In my experience, it’s like telling a toddler to stop doing something. Sometimes it just makes them want to do it more. But what if I looked at this verse to tell me something about God? Then this is what I would see, a list of powerful truths about the character, nature and abilities of God:
1. God knows I have fear around money. That is why He tells me to not strive, not be anxious, not be afraid. His knowledge of me comforts me, because through that I know, He sees me, He knows what it’s like inside my head (Ps 103 v 14)
2. He is my Shepherd, that’s why He calls me His flock. If I am the flock and He is the shepherd that means I can look to Him for guidance to pastures that would feed me, and I can say like David in Psalm 23, that if God is my shepherd, I lack nothing that I need.
3. He is my Father. That means I am his child. I have kids, and just like I, an earthly parent, know what my kids need and try to give it to them, God, who is a perfect parent, knows what I need and I can trust Him (Luke 11 v 11 – 13).
4. He is my King. Because, according to this verse, He delights to give me the Kingdom. Only a King can do that. A king can take all the resources of His Kingdom and apply them in accordance with His will. He is able to exert power and sovereignty over all that is in His Kingdom on my behalf. If you, like me, work for yourself, with your work dependent on support and opportunities, then this is immensely comforting.
5. He is generous. The verse tells me that He “gives” me the Kingdom. He doesn’t rent it to me, or lend it to me. He doesn’t wait to see if I qualify. He is generous, thus He gives freely.
6. He is delighted to do it. The verse actually uses that word. I do not have to convince Him, He is not reluctant or unwilling. Actually, this word in the Greek (eudokeõ), means He thinks it’s a good idea, an idea He is well pleased with.
I don’t know about you, but for me, financial fear is an almost daily battle. I am not a salary earner. Neither is my husband. We both experience huge fluctuations in our monthly earnings, which can be nerve-wracking. So when I talk about a battle, that is what I mean. It’s not something I just struggle with occasionally. And when you are in a battle, you need a form of attack. You need weapons, and you already know, that because this is not a flesh and blood battle, the weapons need to be different too (Eph v 12 – 17).
That is why I have found these 6 truths to be a powerful antidote to my daily battle with financial fear.
Dear friend, may this truth also minister to your heart today, and every day that you battle financial fear. That God is a shepherd who can guide you, a Father who knows what you need, and a King who can exert authority over your circumstances, and He is and does these things with generosity and delight.
My parents live in a small town in the Karroo, and if you’ve ever met them you will know what pretty much all the people in that town knows: My parents are awesome. And certainly, I’d always assumed that small town life has certain, albeit clichéd, characteristics that we always think would not be part of city life. No lack of community there! You know, people dropping in, knowing your neighbours and going the extra mile for one another. When my dad fell in during the pandemic I saw community in action, from referrals to in home care givers, to virtually daily meal drop offs that meant my mom and I did not cook the entire 2 weeks I was there. Even the pharmacist and Doctor made housecalls. Afterhours! It was like being in a TV series from the 70s.
I left thinking it must have something to do with where they live. And what they are like as people. I mean who wouldn’t seek out opportunities to serve and love people who are so easy to adore? But the pandemic proved me wrong again because in a series of unfortunate events for our family that started in June all the way through to December, there was a steady stream of people, prayer and food going in and out of our house. At the height of our struggles the people showing up here unannounced far outnumbered people sending “let me know if you need anything” messages. My kids stood astounded time and time again, and they saw the truth of John 13 v 35 in action:
“By this all will know that you are My disciples – if you have love for one another.”
And this is what I realised about Christian community:
The truth about Christian Community.
But as we live more and more insular lives (thanks Pandemic) and focus more and more on individualistic motivations (thanks American Christianity. No offense), I have seen Christians neglect community and I have seen the cost of that – for them and for their kids. As much as life in community has so many benefits – many of which are obvious to those who are watching our lives – so the drawbacks of more and more Christians neglecting community have also become more and more pronounced.
What our lack of community is costing us:
It’s costing us our fervor. Paul tells us that we need one another so we don’t lag in our enthusiasm for the things of God and the people of God (Rom 12 v 9-10). We need others to keep our faith glowing and growing. But just like an ember burns lower and lower over time when it’s outside of the fire, so our faith, without the fire of connection to the body of Christ, starts to diminish, until soon lives of faith are so lukewarm they are indistinguishable from those around us.
It’s costing us connection. Many people, like us, live far from family, and when community is not cultivated intentionally, there is no one to bear our burdens along with us when we suffer loss or trauma, or even just when our geyser bursts or our kids are sick.There is no one to celebrate with us when things go well either. Shared experiences foster deeper connection.
It’s costing us our growth. Lack of fellowship is a prime growth inhibitor for Christians because when we take ourselves out of community we inhibit the influence of other believers that are called to be instruments of grace in our lives (Heb 3 v 13), and us in theirs. Our faith stagnates as unproductive behaviors go unchecked and every area of our lives is impacted, the most important 2 being our marriages and our parenting.
It’s costing us our credibility. No amount of Sunday church or worship music or Christian books will testify as loudly to our kids about what it means to be a believer as life in community with other believers. Our disconnected way of life preaches a louder sermon to our kids of how to do life, declaring how much we value our own time, our own freedom and our own wisdom and our own plans over the call of Christ in our lives, the call to discipleship, community, to service and sacrifice, to accountability and confession, and commitment to the truth. And it turns us into hypocrites. The first ones to notice will be our kids.
It’s costing us our commission, the one we were all called to – to go and make disciples. When we do not see Christian community the way God sees it, we start to see church as optional and certainly church membership as completely superfluous. And in our church skipping, church hopping and church shopping we go being part of a family to being part of an audience. We’ve gone from asking how we can serve to demanding to be served. We have gone from asking how we can be equipped for this great work to how we can be entertained so we can leave feeling great. And the work of God falls by the wayside, in our families, communities, cities and countries.
It’s costing us our back up – something every parent will find they need. Removing outside Christian influences from the social fabric of our kids’ lives means when the time comes for guidance, when their ears are longs since deaf to your sermons – and believe me this time does come- there is no alternative trusted grown up voice that you or your child knows and trusts well enough to speak life into the dead and dark areas of your children’s lives that you have been shut out of.
It’s costing us our faith. The Apostle John speaks of this cross formed fellowship of us to God and us to one another when he says “but if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus Christ His son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1 v 7). Blood is a cleansing agent, and when one member is cut off from the body is no longer experiences that cleansing flow. A fellowship that is both vertical (with God) and horizontal (with other believers) is critical for the sustaining of our faith, especially in the world and the culture we live in.
A life that lacks community is costly to our families and our faith.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying you should ONLY have Christian friends. No ways. But God’s wish is that we should prioritise it over other social relationships:
“Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all, but especially to those who are of the household of faith.” Gal 6 v 10
He also designed it so that our fellowship would extend beyond just getting together in Church on a Sunday and sharing a cappuccino afterwards. The Greek word used in scripture, Koinonia, is not simply limited to doing church together (Acts 2 v 42), but also sharing in all other aspects of life together (Phil 3 v 10) (2 Cor 9 v 13). This is the kind of fellowship that impacts our kids, our communities, our cities, our world. It did back then. It can today.
God’s wish for us is that the gospel would have both a vertical and horizontal impact in our life and that our community with Him and with others would be fruitful. Thát is cross formed community.
If Christian community is lacking in your life, the solution is easy:
Ask yourself why:
It could be church hurt/ disappointment because of previous experiences/ distrust of people
A misalignment between what God prioritises and your own priorities
Lack of diligence and/ or devotion to the things of God over time
It could be any number of things, but all of them likely require you to ask the hard questions, repent and recommit your heart to live out what you say you believe.
“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).
Ask God who:
Ask the Lord who you can invite or connect with. Make it a matter of prayer.
Ask yourself when:
Community takes time and effort let’s be honest. But what it will cost you in time and effort is nothing compared to the fruit it will bring about in your life and that of your kids. Everyone is busy, but the fact is that we exercise a lot of choice over our schedules even if we pretend we don’t. We make time for what we want to make time for. When our hearts are aligned to God our priorities will be more and more aligned to his. His heart is that we prioritize “one another” – a phrase occurring 56 times in the New Testament.
“Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another” (Hebrews 10:25).
