In this post I shared with you the parameters and goals we set for our eldest so that he could get a smartphone at age 13. You can read that post here and if you subscribe you will also get a free printable setting out these goals that you can use in your home.
When my kids each turned 13 and finally got the smartphones they had wanted for so long I had to ask myself now what? How do I empower them to actually master ownership of this item, instead of this item becoming his owner and master – something we see more and more of nowadays? I am hardly a veteran parent, but the one thing I have learned is that children need structure to thrive. They need to know where the boundaries are to have both a sense of security and an inkling of expectation and to experience true freedom. For them to continue to grow in responsibility and independence they need to understand what is expected of them and get the opportunity to excel within the parameters given. That’s why along with a smartphone, we sat down to come to an agreement on reasonable, healthy usage. It goes something like this:
Wow, you did it! You achieved everything on the list, and now you have a phone! Well done on developing a sense of responsibility, on learning about delayed gratification and growing in learning to prioritise what is truly important. We are proud of you!
We want to make sure that you both enjoy this device and use it wisely, we want to help you learn about using technology responsibly and not becoming enslaved by it. So here are points for us to agree on to manage this privilege of having a phone. If you are not able to comply with the items we’ve agreed to, you will lose your phone privileges.
This phone belongs to you. Look after it, because if it breaks or gets lost or stolen, we will not be replacing it with another smartphone.
If we call you, answer the phone. Never ignore a call from your parents
Continue to be discerning
Don’t search for things that you’d be too embarrassed to share with me or things you know are off limits. If you are curious, ask us. Google is not your parent
Put everything you text, email or say through this filter: Would I be ok with my grandparents reading this/ seeing this on the front page of the newspaper? This goes for words and pictures mister!
Continue to be present:
Don’t text while walking, it’s annoying for the person behind you in the mall and let’s face it, it’s rude. Nothing is so urgent that you can’t take a seat somewhere and complete a text message or just do it later. You’re not saving lives here!
Also don’t be the guy who always has his earphones in. This is why people make fun of your generation. This is also how you get yourself run over in the street. There is a time and a place to listen to music and enjoy it and a time and a place to greet people, engage with your environment and be aware.
Put the phone away at dinner times or when someone is talking to you, especially an older person. Never make those around you feel like they are boring you or devalue and disrespect them by choosing to be on your phone instead of engaging with them. Remember your manners. A phone should be a tool that enhances your relationships, not diminishes them
When your friends come over yes absolutely show them a few cool things on your phone, but then also play a game of table tennis, talk to each other, go outside, engage with each other more than with a screen.
Learn to exercise self-discipline:
Don’t randomly scroll or watch YouTube for hours. I promise you, you will not get to the end of your life and say “I wish I had spent more time on YouTube!” Set aside a specific downtime and limit yourself. Remember that self-discipline is the biggest and most underestimated power we have as humans.
Learn to manage your time wisely. There is a time to mess around on your phone and there is a time to study/ read/ converse/ eat dinner/ focus on something else.
You will not be allowed to:
Have your phone with you after bedtime because: radiation exposure and blue light exposure and also, you should be sleeping!
Have more than one Facebook/ Instagram/twitter/ YouTube account. One account per platform, where your parents will have full access. That’s the deal.
Take your phone to school. That’s their rule, not ours, and it’s a great one, because there you are actually physically WITH the people you are so desperate to WhatsApp and play with.
Don’t obsessively take a million pictures, selfies and videos. Use those functions to enhance the story you are actually living and to punctuate memories you are actually making. Live your experiences, be present with your people and within your journey. There is no need to document every second of that.
Continue to be responsible, as you have shown yourself to be, with the content you consume and the choices you make, with your time and with your resources as they relate to this privilege. Congratulations once again. We look forward to Whatsap’ing you many funny giffs and calling you all the time. Just kidding! Or not!
This might seem like a lot of rules, but when it comes to parenting we can choose either proactive or reactive No’s. We can give the kid the phone or tablet, and then, when he has stayed up all night gaming and fails a test we can say “No, that is not good, now I am going to take the tablet/ smartphone away for a while!”. That is a reactive No. A proactive No is being clear about what the No’s are in order to empower them with trust and responsibility and clarity. Then, when they falter or fail which is totally normal, we don’t have to have a negative reaction, we just have to return to the “drawing board” so to speak, to follow through on an already established, agreed-upon course of action. No strive, no drama. Even owning.a smartphone can be an opportunity for our kids to grow in wisdom, independence and responsibility when we empower them through the process.
Does your child have a smartphone? If you struggle to assist them with wisely engaging on social media or understanding the power of the internet, consider getting my book, The Mommy Diaries here, as I discuss those topics specifically.
Sending your kid off to “big school” is hard, even if it wasn’t during a pandemic! If you have a new Gr1 in your home this is a uniquely challenging year, and I get it. I was the mom in the oversized sunnies weeping haplessly in the car on the way home on that first day. Like trying to hold water in a cup made of toiletpaper. That was me trying to hold back tears on my eldest’ first day of school. He’s 14 now and won’t read this so I am not embarrassed to say it (or to post a picture of just how adorable he was mind you!).
As I recently mentioned over on www.wifemomtravel.com, being a boy mom is like someone breaking up with you very very slowly. But regardless of whether you are sending your boy or girl off to school, that walk away from the school gate feels like a tear in the fabric of your heart, here are 10 things I learned that I hope will help you through that first year (and all the ones to follow!)
Remember that anxiety is contagious. Kids are like dogs in that way, it’s like they just know when there is fear, panic or anxiety around. What has really helped me is to shroud this day, this event, and me and my child in it, in prayer. Need help with this? 5 Ways to pray for your child in the new school year
Expect more from God and less from yourself. Remember, parenting will test the fiber of your faith. Your biggest battles will not and should not be fought in the principal’s office or at the parent/teacher meeting, but on your knees before the Lord. That is where you will make the most progress and see the greatest results in the life of your child.
And speaking of expectations, right now, going in, set your hope in the right place. Especially among some spheres of our society, the school convo is a big one. But the majority of our countrymen do not have a choice about where their kids go to school. This one thing I know for sure: My child’s future is not in the hands of a school – regardless of how fancy, a principle – regardless of how well regarded, a set of strategically executed moves – regardless of how well reasoned. It is in God’s hands. We should not rely on things, people, countries, institutions or relationships to deliver in the lives of our children what only God can deliver – a secure future and an eternal destiny.
You cannot control what is about to happen. But I couldn’t say it better than Lysa Terkeurst when she said: “One of the best things you could do as a mom is recognize that God is good at being God.”
Get clever with the time in the car. Whether it’s a 10 minute trip or whether you have to get up early to trek across the city, the opportunity of having your child as your captive audience for that time is precious. Use it wisely. My book, the mommy diaries, evolved out of conversations I had with my kids in the car. Conversations about winning, losing, about things that happened to them at school, among their friends. on the news, and it’s a great tool to help you transfer your values so you can raise kids with courage and character, simply by using their everyday experiences and your everyday opportunities.
Be prepared. You are inevitably going to arrive at school when it’s raining. Or wish you had change for the tuck-shop cause he forgot his lunch on the counter. Again. Or you’re going to arrive at 7 and it will already be scorching and no one thought to pack sunscreen. Here is what I keep in the car for the 433 hours a year I spend between home and school . Also be prepared with some clever questions so you can draw out more than a “fine”/ “nothing” to your “How was your day?”/ “What did you learn?” questions on the trip home after school. Be sure to check out my stories on Instagram this week OR check the Mom of Boys highlight on my profile here!
Get involved at school. And no, I don’t mean be one of those parents who are forever complaining about things. Go ask anyone, it’s always the parents who complain the most who do the least! Don’t be that mom! Research reveals that there is a direct link between your involvement at your child’s school and your child’s performance. No matter their income or background, kids with involved parents are more likely to have higher marks in class, attend school regularly, have better social skills, show improved behavior, and adapt well to school. And your involvement will not just bless your child. If you are in a racially and economically diverse school, your involvement will bless the kids whose parents are not able to be involved, bless the teachers and the school as a whole.
Embrace this transition in your child’s life as an opportunity to foster independence. For example prepping/ packing their own schoolbag/ using a planner/ diary, setting up a study space or desk and using an alarm clock in the mornings. Why not make a list of skills you want your child to learn by the end of the first school year and put it on the fridge so you can track his/ her progress together.
Have the big discussions early. I heard Hettie Brits speak about it this way once. When we are intentional about discussing certain things with our kids, for example sex and other tricky things, it’s like we open a file in the filing cabinet that is their brains. If we open the file first, giving them God’s truth about that topic first, every other thing they hear and see into the future needs to line up with that truth. But if we lack the courage or intentionality to have that discussion with them, someone else might open the file and place information in it that does not agree with your values or world view. Do not underestimate the spirit and insight of your child, have the hard talks. And do not underestimate what of the world your child will be encountering in the first year of school. It is both your job and your calling to prepare him/ her.
Be nice to the teachers. Not because you are trying to get into anyone’s good graces, but because, well, they deserve it! Teachers have a tough job at the best of times, and the last year has taken a toll on our teachers as they had to adapt to changing conditions, as they had to continue to try to serve our kids under challenging circumstances, as they risked their health to be with our kids and as some of them unfairly bore the brunt of many parents’ unwillingness to continue to pay school fees. We can honor teachers by not complaining about them in front of our kids, and we can serve them by recognizing the challenges of their job, doing something kind for them and by staying involved with our own child’s educational development. Check out this great gift idea for the beginning of term!
You are going to be tempted to worry about a lot of things. You are going to find yourself outside the school gate with other worried moms, with concern over this teacher/ that news bulletin/ the fact that your kid keeps losing his jersey gathering like a storm in your heart. Breath, remember Who is really in charge of it all, and then parent like that’s true.
Any good equestrian will tell you that the best way to measure how good someone is at riding horses is not by how many ribbons they’ve won, but by how many times they’ve fallen off and gotten back on the horse again. If one can be qualified on the topic of friendship by that same measurement then I am supremely qualified, ‘cause I have messed this up, like, a lot! I am not writing this blog because I think I am an expert, but because I think I have a bit of insight on how to navigate this with at least a measure of grace and peace. And because, well, we never talk about this, and maybe we should.
Whether it be a change of season, a change of location, a change of circumstance or a change of opinion, facing the end of a friendship is an inevitable part of life. Maybe there was a break in trust. Maybe the friendship has started affecting your calling, your spiritual potential or your relationship with God or others. Whatever the reason, friendship breakups are hard and they can be messy. So how can we deal with this difficult thing with grace and peace? Here are a few do’s and dont’s:
Don’t miss the opportunity for introspection
There are 2 sides to every story, that is for sure, and whether you are the one exiting the friendship or not, these painful yet significant life moments are important times for taking stock. Usually it’s someones junk, their issues, or your junk and your issues, that affect one’s ability to engage in meaningful healthy friendship. In female friendships – and I will just come straight out and say this now because it’s true and you are already thinking it – this often looks like envy, jealousy, comparison or fear that is dealt with in the wrong way and affecting the relationship to the point where it becomes toxic or there is a break in trust or both. There are 5 things that I believe help friendships stand the test of time and help them thrive. Read about that here. These elements represent a great litmus test for the health of any friendship, so as you pause to take stock,why not re-envisage what you value most in friendship and what you hope to commit yourself to and look for in your friendships in the future?
Don’t over-explain yourself:
Give the other party the curtesy of a clear explanation and apologise where you need to. But don’t over explain. Some of us are relentless over explainers and as much as we think we are making things better, we could be making them worse, cluttering the conversation and clouding the clarity that we knew existed when we resolved to end the friendship. Here is something I learned the hard way: Sometimes people are committed to misunderstanding you, and trying to explain yourself to people who have already made up their mind about you is both harmful and wasteful. Sometimes people need to make you the bad guy in the story, and you over-explaining yourself will not move them from that position. Be ok with that.
Binding and loosing (Matt 18 v 18) are both spiritual principles so we must deal with them carefully especially as it pertains to who we walk through life with, and so the end of a friendship is not just an emotional occurrence but also a spiritual one. Often the more you talk and rehash and confront, the more pain and hurt can be caused. Be as clear, kind, and concise as you can be without inviting further drama, we are all grown-ups after all. The other party is bound to come to some sort of insight as to your position eventually, and vice versa. With a little bit of common sense and self-awareness people usually get to a place of insight and understanding as they regard in hindsight where things went wrong. And that is often where the grace lies.
Don’t desire closure over forgiveness:
We often say we desire closure when what we really want is:
to have our say. But if we are honest, we will know, that is just the ego talking.
to put a neat little full stop after an emotional event. But if we are honest we only desire that so we can better cope with what happened.
Even though we understand cerebrally that relationships can be messy because people are messy, we like this idea that we can have things wrapped up in a neat little bow. Be ok with that not always being possible. Most of the time our deepest need is not for closure, but for forgiveness. To recieve God’s forgiveness for our contribution to the demise of a relationship. And to have His forgiveness clear the way for us to forgive the person who hurt us. If God has extended grace to you, would you not extend it to yourself and to someone else? Forgiveness is accepting the apology you may never receive. Forgiveness is also the first step towards healing, which is so much more life-giving, with the spiritual and emotional power to re-allign you. Closure cannot and does not accomplish this, only forgiveness can.
Don’t rally for support:
I know you want to! It’s natural! Especially if you are feeling wronged. Especially if you may be the one walking away with the more than just this relationship being caught in the fray. I feel you! I’ve been there! But don’t be tempted to rally support. It’s not only ungraceous but it does not make for peace.
That means you cover over the transgressions of the person that might have been the very reasons you left. Do this especially if that person is in ministry/ a fellow believer – God specifically tells us not to speak against His anointed (Psalm 105 v 15). Hear me here: of course, I am not talking about covering over abuse of any kind, I am talking about the context of the friendship and whatever hurts, slights or sins caused toxicity and disruption leading to the end of the relationship. Very often (and I have first hand experience in this) we have to protect someone’s reputation by not telling our side of the story. That can be costly. It can cost you your reputation and other relationships that were a part of a specific friendship circle or season in your life. God knows that and He sees you doing the right thing even when it’s hard and seems unfair. Being in right standing before God is worth way more than appearing to be right before others. Go ahead and read that again.
Don’t force things:
Sometimes we hold on for longer than we should. It might be that we feel like we would be “losing” our history with this person, even-though our attempts to hold on to that past might be skewing our perspective of the present day state of the relationship. We hold on because we can’t bear this idea that people are sometimes supposed to exit our lives. We hold on because we have this concept that being a Christian means always sticking it out with people, although that is not the example we see in scripture. Sometimes walking in step with the spirit means walking away. We have this idea that loving people like Jesus did means hanging in there at all costs. The Word does not set this example for us. Samuel knew when it was time to leave a longstanding relationship for the sake of his calling (1 Sam 15 v 27) and Jesus himself set a boundary to ensure He could do what He was called to do (Matt 16 v 23). We all want our relationships to be more and more grounded in the character of Christ and what we saw reflected in the way He managed all of His relationships. I think if we were to look at the the entire Word as a directive we will be less plagued by guilt and shame when friendships end for the right reasons.
Do not stay where your entire authentic self is not welcome or where your calling, gifting or healthy boundaries are under constant threat. There is a season for everything, even friendships. Friendships are not guaranteed to be lifelong relationships. In fact most aren’t and that is ok. There can be reconsiliation, but there doesn’t have to be relationship. You don’t have to reconstruct friendship with those you have forgiven. Those are 2 seperate things.
Pray for them:
The end of a friendship can be nothing short of dramatic. Don’t give resentment and bitterness time to fester and grow. Prayer is one of the best ways we can combat this. Read this if you want to know how.
Grieve them and forgive them:
Even if the friendship simply ended because the person moved on/ away, if we are honest with ourselves we may have disappointments and unmet expectations to deal with surrounding the friendship. It hurt because it mattered! It’s healthy to acknowledge this. I think some of the self focussed narrative of cancel culture etc exists because we don’t want to acknowledge the hurt in a situation, we think we are tougher, more evolved, more mature when we just make a “clean break”, walk away and never look back. It might be harder to acknowledge that something truly hurt, but it’s also better. It gives the relationship the acknowledgment within a certain time and space, that it probably deserves. Maybe say a private good-bye, giving full vent to your hurts and owning your parts. Journalling is a great way to do this. Above all, get your conscience clear before the Lord, do the work of grieving and forgiving so even this difficult event can bring you closer to God and His purposes for you.
And then lastly trust God in this process. I have experienced in my own life that man’s rejection is often God’s redirection. Grow from what you know and understand. Make ammends where you can. Hold on to your peace. And trust that nothing escapes purpose in the life of a believer, and even our missteps and mistakes have redemptive potential if our hearts are soft towards God. Dealing well with these things mean we can walk on, not just walk away.
PS: Friendship breakups are just one part of the complexities surrounding human relationships. Especially moms of girls have a difficult time helping their kids navigate the often stormy climate of female relationships. My book can help with this so check that out if you like! And hopefully, we can share some friendship lessons with our kids, so they can better navigate the reality of this in their lives.
I wanted to write about this but I couldn’t. I do not live on a farm. I go into Woolworths and put the lamb and the mielies in my trolley without a thought to where that food came from. I look at the rain and consider the ways it’s ruining my social plans, not with consideration for the life and livelihood that it carries for my family and my future. But as you know from The Mommy Diaries, I believe that the way we make the Word of God real and relevant to our kids, equipping them to be the salt and the light our world needs, is to engage them on the things that happen to them and around them. We do not exercise our faith in a bubble. And with #farmattacks and #farmmurders at the forefront of everyone’s minds now, I asked my sister to tell us how they are leading their family in seeing things the way God sees them out on their farm in the Eastern Cape. It’s a privilege to have her guest blog for us today:
When I first started dating my now husband, a farmer, this is a phrase I heard all too often: “ You need to be careful of farm attacks”. I was already a widow at this point. I had known heartbreak and trauma. But I wasn’t about to let fear rob me of a future as it loves to do. A brief 6 month courtship later, I was the wife of a farmer. Deliriously happy and working harder than I ever thought possible (how many rusks should one woman actually have to bake?)I slowly made the adjustment to living on the farm. But the one thing I kept struggling to adjust to was people’s reaction when they found out I lived on a farm.
Sometimes people outright asked me “ aren’t you scared?” other times I could read it in people’s eyes. Farm attacks have been increasing from 2011 onwards. For the 2019 calendar year, 552 farm attacks were reported and confirmed, which is, 27% more farm attacks than the previous year. and I guess, until I actually lived on a farm, I was naïve about this. Living on a farm in South Africa – I have come to understand – is the one place where you can on one hand feel more fully alive but also on the other be more fully aware of your mortality.
Now, two years down the line , hose questions haunt me daily, no hourly. Our internet on the farm works just fine (although some days I wish it didn’t). A barrage of unfiltered and uncensored information will find you even if you live in middle of nowhere. All of this in the name of creating awareness , more like “scared-ness” (I know that is not even a word but bare with me). It is a daily struggle for me. Farm attacks and farm murders is now a topic, a hashtag, a political tennis ball, batted around for clickbait in the media and by parties on either side. The media, instead of looking at the deep seated issues surrounding this phenomenon, would rather give a mouthpiece to those with vengeful and violent agendas.
And as a Christian and a parent, there now lurks another haunting question, scratching at me like a pebble in my shoe. What will I tell my kids about this? How will I answer their questions around the issue when the time comes? Can I wrestle out, even within myself, and answer that truly reflects what I believe, in Whom I believe? An answer that strengthens them without fuelling fear and without making light of something that is now at the forefront of our daily lives?
So when I was asked to guest blog on this topic by my sister, there was now, once and for all, no place to hide. Time to dig deep on one of the most loaded topics in our country at the moment. The idea scared me. By no means do I want to add to the noise out there because most of us are already full up on information, opinion and Prozen . I pray that my journey in this painful subject might bring you to a better understanding of who God is and that peace is possible despite our circumstances, albeit in the suburbs or on a farm.
1 Peter 3 verse 15: But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do it with gentleness and respect.
Always keep your heart aligned with God’s heart
Farm murders has become part of a culture of murder and lawlessness that permeates the South African landscape and has irrevocably changed the lives of so many South Africans. Our political background being what it is, there has been bloodshed over many generations and tribes. Personally I believe this is a driving force behind the perpetuated cycle of brutality.
The Bible is very clear that God hates murder. As followers of Christ we have to have the same mind as Him regarding all matters that affect His children (1 Cor 2:16). Should we then single out one type of murder over another in a country so ravaged by this terrible sin? I think we can all agree it is not as simple as that.
But before I digress from the subject at hand, as a farm dweller myself , I want to unequivocally state that the attacks on farms is a sin in the eyes of God. It remains horrendous and whatever the motives are, it CANNOT be justified on any level. It should be strongly condemned by all of God’s children and so should murder against every group in our country.
The blood shed on our farms, in an abortion clinic, the stray bullets in the Cape flats, violent and fatal home invasions in the suburbs and squatter camps abhors God equally. There is no difference in the eyes of God. There will be an orphan on a farm and an orphan in the location. As His children this should break our hearts , because it breaks His.
I wish I could say that I have prayed against all of these things, or shown up to their cause in solidarity( in the non emoji and thumbs up kinda way) but alas to my shame I have not. My concept of the sanctity of life has been skewed by my own selfishness and need for self preservation, most of the time it has been about me and not about God.
This is the attitude our family is prayerfully trying to move away from and rather seeking out God’s truth in all these matters. What He says before what any lobby group, petition or you tube video says. As parents and as Christians we have to look at our motives every time we speak, act, forward a message, commit to a position. Is it self-preservation or a reverential fear of God in His holiness? Are we calling to God because this matter is now too close for comfort or because we know we need to face the poor attitudes of our heart?
Having the word of God as the plumb line on this matter will make it easier to guide our children on this tough topic and many others. However, if we make Facebook, our newsfeed or our emotions the authority on the subject, firm faith and stability will elude us and because kids learn by example they will inevitably follow suit. When we face any challenge we should always do a heart check first, because the heart deceives quickly and easily and does not automatically see things the way God sees them.
Always allow the blood of Christ to speak the loudest
We all know the story of Cain and Abel. Jealousy, hatred and basically human nature caused senseless bloodshed.
Genesis 4:10 :The LORD said, “ what have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground.
If we look around us in South Africa this has never been more true. Blood seems to call out for more blood, hate breeds more hate. Each one screaming for justice and truth louder than the next one. It is hard to discern the truth from the lie. I want to teach my boys to listen to the right blood. (stay with me).
Hebrews 12 :24 says: to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.
In the old covenant blood called out for vengeance and wrath much like today. However we are children of a new covenant through Jesus. His blood speaks restoration and peace that is possible through forgiveness. The only truth that can break the cycle of vengeance we now find ourselves in again.
Jesus’ blood was the only blood that could satisfy the wrath of God, the only blood that does not call out for more. If we do not bring this gospel truth into every bloodstained South African reality we will continue to see the cycle of vengeance without truth play itself out in our society and on social media. Now more than ever before what we believe about the blood of Christ is on display for the world to see. Are we speaking a better word in the way we post, share or speak around the braai? Do we fuel fear? Do we edify? Our kids needs to know that there is a blood that speaks a better word over every situation they face.
The sooner they learn that wrath and vengeance only brings more wrath and vengeance the sooner they can focus prayerfully on living, being and praying the powerful truth of the cross into this situation.
Always choose righteousness over rights
In a society that is all about rights and standing on them, we as Christians often forget Jesus was more about righteousness than rights. He had ample opportunity to stand on those rights and ‘smite’ those who stood in His way so that people could know that He was here on an exceptional errand but He did not.
2 Corinthians 5: 21 He became sin who knew no sin that we might become the righteousness of God.
Jesus could not have said it clearer in Matthew 16: 24 “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me”
We all know that taking up your cross means being willing to die to follow Jesus. This can also be called ‘dying to self’. A call to absolute surrender. It means I must, in every circumstances, including this one,ask myself this hard questions: Am I a slave to my rights in this situation or to the freeing gospel of Christ? When I face a very real threat of life and livelihood, can I die to my justifiable indignation – I mean do THEY realise that without US, THEY cannot eat! Can I pretend that I don’t know or maybe skipped over that part in scripture where Jesus meant that denying myself includes denying myself the right to explain this side of the story, to be offended, to hold on to what is mine. This has never been harder for me than right now on this farm.
Jesus knows how damaging these feelings and attitudes are, regardless of how valid and true they might be. He know that my un submitted heart will eventually become so calloused, unable to hear His voice over my own pain and indignation that I could find myself quite literally outside of His perfect will.
We read in Philippians 2 v 6 – 8 that Jesus left the comfort of his rights and reputation and position to become a slave to righteousness. If I want to be His follower, should I not then be willing to be a slave to righteousness instead of being a slave to my rights, to my reputation, my opinion or my position. Those things can never make me a servant of the gospel. And in this situation, in Senekal today, in every conversation about this very hard thing, being a servant to the gospel means what it always means: Forgiveness, reconciliation, peace. And this brings me to my next point…
Always choose your identity in Christ first.
I want my boys to know that even before they are the sons of a farmer, or Afrikaans, or anything else, the truth of Col 3:3:
For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
That is the only identity worth holding on to. If they are firmly established in that knowledge it will not be a total crises when some certainties are shaken. If they firmly grasp this truth it will speak louder about who they are and where they are from than the color of their skin or the language they speak.
Don’t get me wrong. I love and cherish my heritage, language and culture but that is not who I am foremost. I am His. I am not my church denomination, the land I own or even the language I speak. All those things are good, but so often I have found the good stands in the way of the Godly. If the good of our culture or heritage, for example, stands before the truth of our Godly identity, it not only distracts us our true purpose in the here and now, but, it brings division, even among believers, and it puts our confidence, our peace and our hope on shaky ground because we have placed our confidence, our peace and our hope in the wrong thing.
There is something that I’ve noticed in my culture, maybe you’ve noticed it in yours? Culture, heritage, even race, can become something we build our identity around. But as believers, we see in Ephesians 2 v 11 – 22 that we are given a new, primary identity and this is not just so we can be reconciled to God, but also so the reconciliation between people of different backgrounds can be accomplished through the gospel. That is why it is both tragic, divisive and dangerous when we make a golden calf (umphh and I’m trying to tread lightly here) out of our heritage, culture or race and as believers we should be vocal about it as we see it happening in volatile situations not just here but everywhere. Something like that can so easily become an idol.
Why do I say that? Well what are the markers of an idol ? We throw all our time and money at it, even vow our whole life to defend it , and (because idols require a blood sacrifice) when someone threatens it, we become willing to fight for it even unto death. We are quick to say we will kneel only before God, but us clinging to an identity that is not first and foremost our identity in Christ makes us hypocrites, it makes us the same as the world – like people who don’t have anything else to identify with. This scares me and breaks my heart.
The reality for me as an Afrikaans speaking woman in SA is that everything can be taken from me and my children at any time. I want them to be so aware that they already have a home, and unmovable identity and that they are so deeply loved that should these things happen they will not be completely shaken. That there is only one thing worth fighting and dying for.
In conclusion. Please don’t think I am so Godly minded that I am no earthly good. We of course have done all we could to remain safe on the farm and to remain informed using the right channels. But all these things are done proactively, reasonably and not in reaction to fear. Nothing good can ever come from decisions made out of fear. But before any of these things had become necessary we had already been fighting the good fight in our thoughts and hearts, and we hope to continue to do that. So this blog (sermon?) I am preaching to myself as much as anyone! We strive only to protecting the peace that was brutally paid for in blood by our Saviour.
“You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, Because he trusts in you” Isaiah 26:3
This has been a daily battle for me and putting these thoughts down was so so hard. I hope that you do not see my thoughts and feelings reflected on the page. I pray that you read them through the everlasting lens of His love for us. And that His blood will speak a better Word to where you find yourself struggling today.
I had high hopes for 2020, didn’t you? You know, #20plenty and all that. How bitterly we can laugh at all that arrogant folly now! I had high hopes for my son’s start at High School. I had hopes for a giant leap forward in my career that included meeting with publishers in the US. Even when the Covid19 Pandemic hit, I had hoped that at least my dayjob would survive it. And in the very midst of it my husband had hoped that, after 2 months of having his business’ doors shut during lockdown he would be able to open them again in May. Our hopes thus far have not amounted to much and it seems like hope, just like patience, sanity and money, is hard to hold on to in times of uncertainty. I know many of you are in the exact same place. Hope is hard right now.
How do you deal with uncertainty? Me, I try to distract myself with jellybeans and coffee, and I try to pacify myself by trying to figure things out, running future scenarios in my head so I can feel better, feel like I am “doing” something. Searching desperately in every source of information I can find for some kind of reassurance that things are going to work out, like trying to shore up a river that’s threatening to break its banks. But all of it is actually just a frantic grasp for comfort and control. For something to put my hope in. Because without hope, the torture of uncertainty will eat you alive.
The problem is that my “strategies” present a fickle hope at best. Small hopeful snippets in today’s news cycle are quickly obliterated in the next, proving my hope false. Some days I wake up feeling like I can handle it, but that feeling soon get’s hit with the reality of our situation with the finesse of a wrecking ball.
Hope is not hope if it’s:
Based on my circumstances or feelings
Hinged on my ability to control outcomes (which I continue to be deluded and overconfident about)
Or dependent on the actions and decisions of others
So I had to ask myself, do I even understand what real hope is, and where to find it?
Hope is a word we use loosely. And even now, in this season, we as believers might be making ourselves guilty of peddling half-truths about “hoping in God” when in truth we have no idea what that means and how to actually get there, with our Christianese platitudes about as useful as a jam sandwich to a drowning rabbit. So here’s is another fun truth bomb for ya:
But how? David, who lived through a lot of uncertainty, seemed to always return to an unshakeable hope. In Psalm 27, which he wrote in the midst of war and persecution, he said that what he had been going through would have made him lose hope, had he not believed that he would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (v 13). See, his hope was not a “one day pie in the skie when you die” kinda hope. He had confidence in the goodness of God in the “here and now”. He knew this: that when your everyday life feels like a battle, you need this kind of hope in the worst way.
That’s where biblical hope is different and if I’m honest, this does not come naturally to me. I never expect something good to happen. I kinda live in the “worst-case scenario” space. So how did David find this kind of hope? Because that is the kind of hope I want to have! No, that is the hope I NEED right now? How did he get there? Take out Psalm 27 and let’s take a look:
Confidence in the right place:
David’s confidence was not in his own strength, in his ability to plan and strategies his way out of his present difficulty or just white-knuckle it through. David did not seek out hope in the news reports of the day, in the outcomes he could predict or control. He said of the character of God “in this I will be confident” (v3). David’s hope in God was not a hope the way we sometimes express it, when we hope that something would happen but we are not sure if it will. For example: “I hope my sons can learn to get along/ put the toilet seat down/ not use the floor as a closet”.His hope was based on certainty because it was based on the character of God. The One who doesn’t change (Num 23 v 19). The One who loves us with an everlasting love (Jer 31 v 3) There is a certainty that comes with knowing the character of a person. David’s hope in God is not a crossing of the fingers, not a “hope for the best but expect the worst” attitude which is what I so often have. It was more a “Expect great things from God” as in the words of William Carey.
Devotion over despair:
How did he get to this place of firm confidence in God? It’s hard to have confidence in someone we don’t know. And if we relied on second hand faith on social media or the opinions of a friend with the theology degree or our experiences in the world to form for us a picture of God’s true character, we would be on shaky ground indeed. God instructed his kings to have their own copy of His word and to read it all the days of their lives (Deut 17 v18) so that in times of doubt, in times of war, in times of struggle, in times of uncertainty they would not rely on their own wisdom but on His, not rely on their own abilities, but on His. There is only one place where we can find a true revelation of God’s character and that is through His word. So this is what David did:
“When You said “Seek My Face”, my heart said to you, “Your face, Lord, I will seek” (Psalm 27 v 8)
God directed David towards devotion. Away from his feelings, away from theories and opinions, and straight into the Word. For the purpose of revealing His face, His likeness, His character. Where we often go wrong as believers is that our searching of God’s word is about us, to know more about who we are, how He sees us, what He promises us, what He says about us. But if we want unshakeable confidence, a firm hope, what we need to be looking for first and foremost, is what God says about Himself.
This is the pursuit David devoted himself to even in the midst of “enemies and foes” (v2), and I am so convicted by this when I consider the things I’ve been pursuing just to “feel better” in this time. That is why David can so confidently say “I sought the Lord and He delivered me from all my fears” (Ps 34 v 4), because it’s in the seeking and the finding that our confidence in God is established.
Undeviating instead of uncertain
I find lately I deviate, between being ok with the levels of uncertainty, and then being beset with sheer panic. My grip on hope seems to hover somewhere in the margins, like those tiny spots in your peripheral vision that move every time you turn to look at them. It’s because there was actually so many “false things” I used to set my hope on – my presumptuous certainty about the future (work, plans, strategies) being 1st on the list. I was certain of it…relied on it. But David sets for me a different example; his reliance on God was even deeper and more secure than his reliance on a father or mother (v10)! In the face of uncertainty, David renounces reliance on even such certainties and rather finds certainty in what God is teaching him in his trial. And what he learns puts him on a firmer footing – a smooth, stable undeviating path through the uncertainty (v11).
God does not rescue us from uncertainty by just laying out everything that’s going to happen so we don’t have to be scared. God rescues us from uncertainty by teaching us, and that is a daily process and turning to Him for todays bread, todays light, todays grace, todays wisdom. The word in the bible for “teach” is the word YARAH, which means to point, to shoot, to direct the flow or cast something in a straight line. It is God’s word that guides us through uncertainty, with enough of whatever we need just for today. Every. Single. Day.
Through devotion and discipline a hope was fostered inside of David, not the ‘cross your fingers’ kind, but the kind that is based on a high confidence in God, a God whose love declares the best possible outcome for our circumstances, even if we can’t see it right now. And when he found that hope, he also found courage and strength respond to uncertainty so that he could preach to himself when his soul was downcast and unsettled (like mine is, and I’m sure like yours is too!), “HOPE IN GOD!” (Psalm 42 v 5)
God knows it’s scary to be us right now. He doesn’t take our tears, fears or suffering lightly. That is why He lights a path for us to find a solid hope, hope that has certainty in it. Pray for me. I am praying for you.
With handy journaling prompts to help you dig deeper
I’ve read a lot about what people think this global pandemic means. I am sure you have too. We swerve all over the map, wondering if this is a judgment, grappling with God’s sovereignty, forwarding prophesies and Bible verses and any relevant podcast to friends and family. On the other side, we challenge ourselves and our friends to “make this count”, i.e get a six-pack, run a marathon, learn another language, do a masterclass, and the list goes on. I think maybe we’ve all emotionally positioned ourselves in all of these responses at some point? I know I have. And I believe the reason is this: We are meaning-makers, and whether we know it or not, we want to understand, what does this mean? Why is this happening?
I don’t know. Most of the time I am as confused as a monkey with a maths problem. But I do know 2 things:
God is involved. It never just “is what it is”. There is always more going on than just what you can see. We are holistic beings and our experiences and our walk through this world always have physical, emotional and spiritual components. God is uniquely involved in the lives of his children so nothing that happens to us just “is what it is”. We walk by a different light and it is because of that that we are called to walk circumspectly (Eph 5 v 15 – 21), always looking for and trying to understand the will of God, because the times we live in call for it.
We as believers, right now,in the midsts of this, are being tested. How do I know that? Because I can feel myself stretched. I can feel myself grappling for answers and understanding. I can feel myself failing. I can feel pressure. And isn’t that what being tested feels like? Regardless of what else this is, this is test for us as believers. A test that calls us to look a little deeper at every area and part of our life and our world.
Understanding that this is a time of testing is really helping me right now, because it means I can position myself to gain the benefits that tests and trials are supposed to bring about. If that sounds like something that will help you too, keep reading:
A test is only useful and meaningful if we allow it to do what tests are intended to do. Otherwise, it’s just a stressful season we must “white-knuckle” through. So, what is the purpose of a test?
The purpose of a test is to assess our ability to apply what we’ve learned:
Almost as though our time with God, under good teaching, in studying His word, is like being in the classroom. The knowledge is only useful to us if we are able to apply it outside of the classroom. Once we leave church and go into our week, once we get up from that quiet time, once we put our bible, that resource, that devotional down. That is where the test lies because that is where our ability to apply what we have learned is revealed. Until then, it’s all just theory isn’t it? We are all just sitting around postulating. Looking like Christians but not necessarily living like them. That is why James says we will be matured, because biblestudy might grow us, but a test will mature us.
The purpose of a test is to examine our foundations and reveal cracks:
Do you know how concrete is tested? By something called a compressive strength test – which is a mechanical test measuring the maximum amount of compressive load a material can bear before fracturing. It’s basically a pressure test.
When the lockdown came about, and its impact on me and my family’s life, in the immediate and in the future, became more and more apparent, I came apart at the seams. I won’t lie. The pressure of the situation revealed to me how much trust, how much faith I had placed in:
My financial security
My ability to plan and control the present and the future
Suddenly, neither of these things “worked” anymore. They could not be my source of peace anymore because, in short, they no longer existed. Suddenly they could not save or protect me. The situation I found myself in revealed to me how much I held on to these things as pillars, how foundational they were to my well-being, how much I trusted in them for my future and the future of my family. It revealed how little stability they truly provided, how unable they were to withstand the pressure of the current situation. This crisis had exposed my idols, the things I worshipped and trusted in more than God. And they were crumbling under the pressure.
That is why James says at the end of a test we will be more complete/ more whole, not lacking in anything. Almost always, tests show us where we are lacking, where the gaps exist in our trusting, in our believing and therefore in our thinking and feeling.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord And whose hope is the Lord. For He shall be like a tree planted by the waters Which spreads out it’s roots by the river And will not fear when heat comes But it’s leaf will be green And it will not be ancious in the yea rof drought Nor will cease from yielding fruit”
(Jer 17 v 7 – 8)
The purpose of a test is to refine us:
To refine silver, the refiner would use a delicate process of lead and heat to remove impurities to purify silver. It is a process requiring the refiner’s diligent attention, not a process he sets in motion and then walks away from, only coming back once there is a satisfactory end result. There is so much hope for us in understanding this.
If this feels like a trial by fire for you, this is what I want you to know:
God’s refining fire is not to destroy, it’s to purify. But why does purity matter? God’s desire for our purity is not because his love depends on that or because our salvation does, Jesus already proved that is not the case. His desire is to walk with us, and the purity of our hearts brings us ever closer to Him (Matt 5 v 8). We are being purified to be drawn into greater intimacy with Him, definitely something we can consider “pure joy”.
Secondly, our impurities, the things that are hampering us, distortions in our picture of God, incorrect beliefs, sinful patterns of brokenness or behavior, is being burned away, for the sake of our fruitfulness. Our fruitfulness (not our comfort) is always of huge concern to God because of what it (our fruitfulness) declares about Him to the world. We all have areas of rebellion and unbelief, and nothing will reveal to us those attitudes but a test that feels like fire.
God is paying vigilant attention to you right at this moment and is deeply involved and invested in the outcome of this in your life. He is watching for more of His reflection in you. Take heart!
Maybe it feels like a discipline, shedding light on areas in our life that we wish God would just leave alone. Our debt and spending habits. Issues of communication with our spouse. Places where we dropped the ball in the raising of our kids. Our neglect of our time with Him. This pandemic and it’s results are forcing us to face those things and more in a myriad of ways. But know this: The Lord disciplines those He loves (Heb 12 v 6 & Prov 3 v 12), and even things that might look like the worst thing, can be used by God for our good.
We cannot “get pure” on our own. That is the message of the Gospel. Of the entire Bible in fact. We all have areas of rebellion and unbelief in our lives, but the beauty of a test allowed by God, is that we don’t have to stay stuck at the place of knowing what the impurities are that hold us back. We have a place we can go to with them. The purpose of a trial (the heating up of our lives) is to accomplish a purer and stronger character and faith. It is in the “heating up” of our lives that our weaknesses, sin, and character flaws come to the surface, so that they may be transformed. And the place of that transformation is always the cross. Forgiveness for sin and triumph over it is found right there.
If the bible is anything to go by, there is something beautiful on the other side of every test or obstacle. The red sea, the Jordan, the furnace and the cross. God’s word reveals, in the most intense trials of the saints that went before us, that there lies a revelation of true peace, true joy and true security for believers right there in the times and trials where these things seem to be most absent. My prayer is that, as you surrender to this test in your life, you will discover that too. For help, I’ve developed some journaling prompts and scriptures you might like to use during your quiet times and times of reflection with God. Be sure to subscribe to receive them in your inbox.
I saw a post from an acquaintance recently showing the great lengths they are going to at home to ensure that their kids will be ready for school and for the next sport season once kids are allowed to return to school. They are definitely #winningatlife. And at parenting. Obviously. No one can fault that it would be wise for us as parents to – at a minimum – encourage our kids towards their sports and academic goals, regardless of how far removed that might feel from our current situation. Although the mom who posted this doesn’t know when and if lockdown will be lifted, she was creating conditions of readiness in her kids. She was looking into the future. But as I was (trying hopelessly) to busy myself with the same thing – you know, bar a million interruptions for snacks! – I couldn’t help but wonder, how far into the future? Are we looking far enough? We are all always as parents diligently trying to invest in our kids and their future, but are we investing the right things, and are we looking far enough into the future?
Yes, we can and should have the earthly wisdom to prepare our kids for the world, for thriving school careers and later, for thriving adulthood. But does that wisdom stand the test of time, no, eternity? Because I can do all the crafts, and install an astroturf in my garden, and do all the Kumon and all the coding-for-kids, but in light of eternity, would those investments have been wise…or foolish? Certainly, they would have been foolish if I neglected the most important things. Because what good would that do if my kids don’t know the difference between being forgiven and not being forgiven. If they, in our homes, never had the opportunity to come to a saving knowledge of who God is and what He says about them, how much He loves them and what He did because of that love, and how that changes literally everything?
I want to challenge all of us today that the most valuable thing we can do for our kids during lockdown is not online lessons and hockey drills, and trying to map out a 3km route around our garden for them to run. It’s the thing most of us are neglecting, because it takes time, because we might be slightly intimidated by the idea, and because it’s immediate value is not as apparent as the immediate value of every available privilege and opportunity we are trying to pour into the lives of our kids. But, in the end, it’s the only thing – in partnership with the work of the Holy Spirit – that can produce a harvest in them that will stand the test of all of time. We can easily start that investment today, by simply reading the bible with our kids and, depending on their age, teaching them to read the bible for themselves.
Because how can anyone be captivated by the love of God outside of the word of God? Nothing our kids see or hear in the world (truthfully nothing that they will even see and hear in and from us!) will give them a true enough picture to understand who God really is. And how will they hear if no one tells them? (Rom 10 v 14)
There are just 3 simple and important things I think we need to remember when having devotions/ reading the Bible with our kids:
Make the Bible accessible – Help them find their way around an actual bible. Ideally, from age 4 or 5, they should have their own one. That way over time it can become a familiar reference to them, not something that is only used at church or by grown ups. God’s word is powerful and in a world full of tools and devotionals and programs we’ve become somewhat disconnected from it. But empowering oud kids to fall in love with God’s word is one of the best gifts we could ever give them. Obviously our kids will not get excited about God’s word if we are not excited about it. Always start with the bible, and only ad resources to ad depth, not remove depth.
Equip kids to study God’s word for themselves: . Just like we need to teach our kids to prepare a physical meal for themselves, we need to teach them how to prepare a spiritual meal for themselves. using simple tools, modelling for them the HOW of time with God. I use a simple method that my mom taught me and devotional time I spend with my kids is basically just me modelling for them how I spend time with God myself.
Teach them to discern what God is saying and how to apply it: we have a saying in our home – Truth is God’s opinion about anything. But our kids are every day, in the books they read, the programs they watch and in the music they listen to, being exposed to alternative versions of truth and world views that are counter to the bible. Can our kids find a deep spiritual life in a shallow world? Not outside of the bible they can’t. Because what counts for us also counts for our kids: You can’t test what’s true if you don’t know what’s true. Without a grounding of truth, you become a slave to every new fad or teaching, and your measure of viability becomes if your teacher put it on the reading list (if you’re a kid) or if it – Lord help us – it made it onto the NYC best seller list or has a “Christian” publisher (if you’re an adult. And yes, I meant to put that in inverted commas!). That is why Jesus said to the Jews, by and large a well read bunch, in John 8 v 31 – 32 – READ YOUR BIBLE if you want to be free of being lead along by deception.
Equip kids to study God’s word for themselves: Just like we need to teach our kids to prepare a physical meal for themselves, we need to teach them how to prepare a spiritual meal for themselves. using simple tools, modelling for them the HOW of time with God. I use a simple method that my mom taught me and devotional time I spend with my kids is basically just me modelling for them how I spend time with God myself.
Teach them to discern what God is saying and how to apply it: we have a saying in our home – Truth is God’s opinion about anything. But our kids are every day, in the books they read, the programs they watch and in the music they listen to, being exposed to alternative versions of truth and world views that are counter to the bible. Can our kids find a deep spiritual life in a shallow world? Not outside of the bible they can’t. Because what counts for us also counts for our kids: You can’t test what’s true if you don’t know what’s true. Without a grounding of truth you become a slave to every new fad or teaching, and your measure of viability becomes if your teacher put it on the reading list (if you’re a kid) or if it – Lord help us – it made it onto the NYC best seller list (if you’re an adult). That is why Jesus said to the jews, a well read bunch, in John 8 v 31 – 32 – READ YOUR BIBLE if you want to be free of being lead along by deception.
For this reason our devotional time needs to be supremely practical and relevant, helping our kids identify challenges in their own lives and how God’s word speaks into that. That way what they learn about God and about themselves will become fuel for their prayers, start to drive their actions and shape their thinking. If you want help in using relevant examples from your kids’ every day challenges to shape biblical thinking in your kids – also maybe get my book, which is all about that.
Then lastly parents, don’t underestimate your kids, or yourselves
Also, take the pressure off. Ultimately God is the one who makes seeds grow. Our call as parents is to faithfulness in actually sowing the seeds. That’s all.
Teaching kids about prayer in times of uncertainty
In this year we have faced trauma at school, family members threatened by a dire drought, and now, Covid 19, it’s effects reaching into every corner of everything we do, have, own, trust in. Never before has it been more important to be able to pray. And I was confronted through all of this with this question: Do my kids really know how to pray? Do they know why we pray? Do they truly have access to the power of prayer in times of loss, uncertainty, worry, fear and trial, or do they just know how to pray before they eat or before they sleep?
So here is what I told my kids about prayer:
We should pray because it’s a conversation with God:
Imagine living in your house with your parents and your siblings, and never talking to them. Imagine going to school and flat out ignoring your friends. That would be so weird. It would make you feel awkward and it would make your friends and family feel awkward too. Talking is one of the things we do to maintain, foster and build relationships. And prayer is talking. With God. That is why prayer must be honest, just like any conversation between you and someone you love whom you know loves you back. Just like when you talk to that person, prayer doesn’t have to be full of fancy words, not flowery or over the top. Prayer is a conversation, not a sermon, a monologue or an eisteddfod performance. And just like talking to someone who you know fully accepts and loves you, prayer can change the way you feel, the way you see things and even the way you act. And that is why prayer must go both ways and include talking AND listening, just like any conversation. Otherwise, you are just making a speech. The problem is that we are all better talkers than listeners for the most part, and that is true when we are around people we can see and hear! So listening to God, whom we can’t see and whose voice is not audible, is even harder. But it’s not impossible, and prayer can be a time of talking and listening if we do exactly what we would do if we had a friend we wanted to listen to, which is to intentionally keep quiet.
Set aside the time and create an opportunity for God to speak to you. Yes, you can pray any time and anywhere, but setting aside disciplined prayer time where you are not just venting to God means you are creating space for Him to speak to you.
We should pray because it’s a command from God:
And just like all other types of commands, God insists on them because he knows they are good for us. God through prayer wants us to keep the channel of communication open between us, because He knows that without communication, relationships don’t survive and thrive. And if prayer is a command, that means when we pray we are being obedient, right? And before you think obedience is boring, think about it this way: Another word for obedience is trust. So every time we obey God, we are also trusting Him, and when we trust someone, we share our hearts with them, everything about our lives, the good and the bad. And that is what prayer is, and act of obedience and an act of trust. And that is why prayer is so powerful
We should pray because Jesus did it:
Which shows us that it must be a very important thing. And when we start copying Jesus, the more we will become like him. And the great thing is that Jesus, in the way He himself prayed with and for His disciples, shows us exactly how we should pray
Faithfully (Rom 12 v 12)
Even for our enemies (Matt 5 v 44)
In watchfulness about what we notice and gratitude for what we have (Col 4 v 2)
With the help of the Holy Spirit (Eph 6 v 18)
We should pray because prayer is the most important part of the thankfulness God requires of us. And also because God gives His grace and Holy Spirit only to those who pray continually and groan inwardly, asking God for these gifts and thanking Him for them.
Heidelberg Catechism
We should pray because it’s powerful and releases God’s power into our lives and the lives of others:
The Bible tells us that the prayer of the prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective (James 5 v 16), and thanks to Jesus dying for us, we all are “righteous” because we have Jesus’s righteousness. God uses prayer in the lives of us and of others because His desire is always for a relationship, to partner with us in bringing about His will on earth.
The Bible we read about many instances where the power of prayer overcame enemies (Ps 6 v 9 – 10), brought about healing (James 5 v 14 – 15), conquered death(2 Kings 4 v 3 – 36) and defeated the power of the demons (Mark 9 v 29). God uses prayer to bring healing and restoration, to give us wisdom and to open our eyes. It is a way to draw on the infinite resource of power that is the God of the universe!
Note to parents:
Prayer is a posture, it’s a conversation, it’s correcting and it’s a contribution to the work of the Kingdom, and in The Mommy Diaries I expound on how to journey with our kids on this and also how to teach them to pray. All orders of The Mommy Diaries during lockdown will come with an amazing free resource by Rev Leigh Robinson called “A solid foundation: Biblical Truths our children must know by heart before the age of 12”. Perfect for discipling your kids and using all the time at home to sow eternal seeds!
For blog subscribers, there is also a handy infographic with an easy rhyme that teaches kids about praying anytime about anything, some quick crib notes to help you answer those tough questions on prayer (if God knows everything why should we pray?) and how to use the ACTS acronym to teach your kids how to pray.
I didn’t really want to write this blog if I’m honest. I am no marriage expert for one thing. And for another, when you are knee-deep in the career-building, kids raising, money and time-intensive season of life like we are, romantic getaways and date nights are not very high on the priority list. Sorry if that makes me sound like a terrible wife but it’s true. I am not even a fan of Valentine’s day!
With all that being said, I do believe that love should be celebrated, even in the midst of the busy, the manic, the intensive and the expensive seasons. But it’s hard when you feel like you’re busier than a one-armed ninja and there are 1000 things you know you should rather spend the time or the money on. In those seasons we are always tempted to rely on “marriage muscle memory”, falling back on the good work you did in those first few years (you know, when you were still reading marriage books and being all precious about it!) and all the dates and romance you “banked” back then. But marriage is not a credit facility and let me tell you straight up…
So here are some clever ideas to not just get away or feel like you are getting away, but to actually make that time count. To not be that couple so overwhelmed by life that date night becomes an admin or management meeting, so worn out by it all that a weekend away becomes simply an opportunity to escape into a book or a Netflix series with no real moments of connection. Whether you are just stepping out for a date night, or sneaking away for a long weekend, there are ways to make the hard-earned (ahem!) time out and money spent really count for your marriage.
Turn date night into an international experience
It’s not always possible and feasible to get away, but it’s totally possible to feel like you did! A local eatery with international flavour can do the trick! Some of our favourites include La Boqueria in Parktown North, where you can feel like you are in the heart of Barcelona. For a slightly more affordable option, visit La Rosa for the best skinny Marguerita in the city and full on Mexican vibes! And what about a free option Kona? Two thermal mugs of your favourite hot beverage and walk around your local park (Here in Jozi, The Wilds in Houghton will make you feel like you’re strolling a park in Italy, safe, free and magical!) slows the pace life right down and will cost you nothing but time.
Change the scenery, change the energy
There are times and seasons when the sheer maddening mediocrity of extramural schedules, google calendar invites and home maintenance reduces our interactions with our partner to rushed, obligatory exchanges, completely absent of malice, yes, but fully entrenched in the mundane. That is when a change of scenery is called for. Maybe you need a quick anniversary escape, or a not-too-far-away and a not-too-pricey break from (out of?) routine. Why not keep an eye on websites like Travelstart where there are new deals for all sorts of budgets and new destinations being uploaded all the time (so it’s a good idea to subscribe). You can even check on cheap flights or quick one or two-night self-drive breaks (depending on the babysitting situation am I right?).
Banish boredom, create connection
I never want to be one of those couples that you see out to dinner, just sitting there, staring off into space, or worse, at their phones, with nothing meaningful to talk about or share. But when the long-anticipated date night or weekend away arrives I am so bowled over with relief that it’s finally happened and angst over how little time we really have simultaneously that all the great things I want to talk about flies right out of my head and I just sit there….thinking about how many litres of milk we have left. Or if the coleslaw I bought on Monday will still be fine with dinner tomorrow. It probably won’t be. I will probably serve it anyway. Also, I have to work hard to make sure we don’t talk about fishing the whole night. I’m serious, that is legitimately something that can happen. What can I say, my husband, bless him, he’s passionate.
If this happens to you (please say this also happens to you?) here are some questions you can ask to spark conversation and create a connection that will truly make your precious time out count.
Giving intentional attention to our marriages is hard when we are needing to keep our eye on the many balls we have to juggle and when everything else feels so urgent. But if we focus on creating experiences that foster connection, we can come away from even just a simple dinner or walk around the block together feeling stronger and more intimately aligned in facing the big and the small of whatever season we find ourselves in. For more on marriage (and what we are modelling to our kids about it) also check out The Mommy Diaries!
“Marriage has the power to set the course of your life as a whole. If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won’t matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.”
People are often surprised to hear that 3 of my closest friends (shout out Vicki, Nina and Reneé) are friends from my Primary School, High School and Varsity days. It’s a bit like telling someone that you still have a Hotmail account. Or a Tamagotchi. And it prompted me to try to understand what is present in these friendships that has not only allowed them to stand the test of time, but that has made them grow. I can tell you it’s not because of me! Most cases it’s in spite of more like! It’s not because any of us are flawless, we aren’t (although truth be told those 3 come pretty close!), or have not hurt one another or let each other down, because we have, and we do. It’s not because we stayed interested in the same things – we didn’t. It’s not because we believe in the same things – we don’t. It’s not because we stayed in the same geographical place, we didn’t. And it’s not because our life seasons have coincided, they didn’t. So it seems to me that all the conventional “rules for friendship” are not necessarily always the structures and behaviours that truly sustain lasting and thriving friendships.
When I started writing The Mommy Diaries, there was no doubt in my mind that I needed to include a chapter on friendship. There are lessons that I learned about friendship pretty late in my life that I wished I had learned earlier. And it seems to me when I talk to fellow moms, women that are younger than me and even women a couple of life stages ahead of me, that friendship remains a deep need and often times a huge challenge for kids and grown-ups alike and especially (and sadly) for us as women.
So here is what I discovered. As far as I can tell there are five things we did, and we keep doing that have helped these relationships survive and thrive. Five things that are reciprocal (meaning both friends do them, not just one), five things we grew into and now consistently do. They are:
We SUPPORT each other:
Support means taking an interest in people’s lives, goals, projects, relationships, career and being there for them through life’s ups and downs. Support means sticking around, even when it’s inconvenient, even when it’s not about you; actually, especially then. Support means getting on board with stuff, listening in order to understand more than for the sake of responding. Support means setting aside judgements and agendas.
We SERVE each other:
Yes, I am talking about actually doing things for people. Service means showing up! Service requires sacrifice, and if Jesus’ example is anything to go by, that is the definition of love – and that is what Jesus calls us to (John 15 v 17) A lot of people only manage superficial friendships because loving people requires too much of us. People are a lot of work – I know I am. I love (and also don’t love) the way Anne Voskamp puts it –
To love is to be inconvenienced.
Anne Voskamp
Most often, service is sacrificial, it “costs” you something. Most often, service is a declaration much more than words are, because when we serve people we put them first. And so service is always, always a declaration of love.
We CELEBRATE (with) each other:
When it comes to friendship, you should consider celebration the opposite of competition. Celebrating the victories and wins, the passions and plans of others is a gift we give them that declares that we put them above our own desires, validations and need to be first. It’s hard but precious. If you can’t be happy for your friends when they achieve or obtain things you might have wanted for yourself, your friendship will not survive. Trust me I know! One way to bring distance in a friendship is to allow our own jealousies, insecurities or need to compete to keep us from celebrating someone else’s journey.
We SUFFER together:
As in we share in one another’s suffering. Because suffering cements friendships. Being there for people when they go through something hard or sad or bad will bring you closer together and it builds trust. Now, let’s be honest, friendship becomes very one-sided when one person is suffering. Sticking around when there is little in it for you and when it actually requires something of you is a declaration of your love for that person. Sometimes its showing up (ideally with food, oh and wine, not advice), and sometimes it’s just about sitting supportively and prayerfully on the riverbed of someone else’s pain. And reciprocally, letting someone sit with you in your suffering. Sometimes we lack the courage to be vulnerable with our friends, but when we are brave enough to open up about what we are going through, the relationship is by and large deeper and more meaningful because of it.
We give each other SPACE:
Because it’s good to let things breathe. Just because you are besties with someone doesn’t mean you have to talk all the time, be together all the time, or do everything together or have a whatsapp group (heaven help me!) with one another. Giving people space means we do not put on them an expectation to constantly validate us or our friendship. It means the truth of the friendship is based on more than just how much time we spend together. It means that when problems arrive, we ask, “Will this still matter 1 year from now?” and if not, then we let it go.
It should be clear from this list that all of these things have some element of action to them, that these things take time and effort. Also, considering our busy lives, these things are really hard to “fit in”. They do not come easily, and they do not happen by themselves. And they are all “other focused”.
One of the reasons I wrote a chapter on friendship for my kids in my book is because we often approach friendship with the wrong expectations (i.e this is about my needs), inevitably setting ourselves up for hurt and disappointment. But when we understand that friendship is not singularly about us, our feelings and our needs, but that it has a higher purpose that could bring precious wealth and depth to our journey through this life, then we also approach it differently. King Solomon, the wisest person who ever lived, gave this sage advice about making friends: If you want to have friends, you must be a friend. If you sign up for the effort you will be rewarded not just with a friendship that will grow and thrive beyond your expectations, but you yourself will grow and thrive.
What is the state of your friendships Momma? I can tell you from experience when we make ourselves vulnerable by sowing into friendships, by allowing ourselves to be challenged and by giving of ourselves in service and support, by making the first move and being the ones who place value on people, there is always a reward of depth, a harvest of more precious community. My prayer for you is that you will find the time, scratch that, make the time to make the first move in your friendships, to support the phenomenal women you get to do life with and (re) commit to them, to bask in the safe harbour of female fabulousness amidst your own personal posse of fierce females who have done it all and seen it all and are still right there, walking with you, celebrating with you, cheering for you, praying for you, having grace with you, while you do the same with for them.
How do you pray for your enemies? Don’t worry, as much as you never thought you’d read a post about this, I never thought I’d write one. Considering that you might have an enemy is like considering that you might go bald. Not a fun thought. Something you’d pay money to avoid if you could. I went through most of my adult life never considering the concept of an enemy. Sure, I am not everyone’s cup of tea, but you know what, everyone is not my cup of tea either and I am cool with both of those things. I don’t subscribe to the idea that everyone should like me and I try not to spend too much mental energy worrying about it.
But nowhere in this equation is a concept even remotely as harsh as “enemy”. It’s totally the kind of word you want to put in air brackets, the kind of word you want to whisper, the kind of word you wish you never had to say. The concept feels harsh, even the word does. By virtue of it’s composition it’s said through straight unsmiling lips, mean lips, like a hard line drawn. Despite my snarky personality I am a fairly peace-loving sort, always a tiny bit judgy of people whose lives attract a lot of drama (you know those people) and secretly relieved that there has been very little drama in my life. Until there was drama in my life. Have you ever had the kind of drama that produces an enemy?
I think for the most part most people don’t go out determined to make an enemy, and when there is conflict you do your best to resolve it peaceably (Rom 12 v 18) and to forgive quickly (Col 3 v 13). But even if you do all of those right things you can come out on the other side knowing that that particular person or people have set their hearts against you and will continue to view you as an enemy, regardless of what you do or don’t do, say or don’t say and most of all regardless of how you view them. With even just a kernel of discernment you would be able to tell, even feel, the emotional or even spiritual opposition that hides behind even the most eloquent manners and socially appropriate noises.
And let’s be perfectly honest with each other, even when you’ve forgiven someone who has sinned against you, your heart and healing don’t just happen overnight. Far from it. What’s more, forgiveness is a decision of the will, primarily a decision to be obedient, not by any stretch a decision that follows a feeling. In fact the feeling of wanting to forgive might never catch up with your decision to do it anyway. That is because forgiveness is always costly.
“…God’s grace and forgiveness, while free to the recipient, are always costly for the giver…. From the earliest parts of the Bible, it was understood that God could not forgive without sacrifice. No one who is seriously wronged can “just forgive” the perpetrator…. But when you forgive, that means you absorb the loss and the debt. You bear it yourself. All forgiveness, then, is costly.” ― Timothy Keller
And so, as you process the hurt, as you bare what has occurred, as your flesh learns to walk in the spiritual act of forgiveness, you may find yourself in dark and dangerous moments where you are still sore and angry, where the person who hurt you or hurt those you love looks like ,no feels like, nothing but an enemy. We’ve all been there. And because I have been there, I can tell you, at those vulnerable moments, prayer is our biggest and most powerful weapon. Prayer is our path towards the light. A path we have to choose again and again if we want to be truly free.
So here is my take on it: I have one rule when it comes to buying birthday presents for my friends. I think it’s a rule most of us follow whether we are aware of it or not. We most often buy things for other people that we ourselves love or would love to have. And it’s this same logic that I have applied as I have learned to move forward in the deliberate act of obedience in praying for those who have hurt me, waiting for my heart to catch up. I pray a prayer for my enemies for the things I most desire, the things I pray most for myself, the prayer I hope those who love me would pray for me, a prayer for the things I believe we all need the most.
I keep that prayer short and simple. I keep it at the ready. Because those feelings that come up when you think about what happened or are reminded of your hurt, they are like the few extra kilos that look like they came out of nowhere after your Christmas break. It’s just there all of a sudden. Consider it a mantra, if you will, to ward off those bitter thoughts and feelings that creep up on us like the extra weight of festive season indulgences. Here is the prayer I immediately offer:
That’s it. Because what better gift is there than the gift of peace?
And what more could we ask out of life than to be guided through and helped by God’s Spirit?
And what bigger present could one receive than the ability to hear God speak?
One of the biggest things we can do for those we love is to pray for them. An unseen and unknown act of love and sacrifice that reaps fruit no one will ever give you credit for. And I think when scripture says in Mathew that we “love our enemies” (Matt 5 v 43 – 45) this is an active way of doing that.
Maybe there are other things you pray for yourself and for those you love. I am assuming if you have an “enemy” you have done the work (and let’s face it, it’s work) of forgiveness. But as you walk out of the pit of hurt, why not pray for your enemy the things you pray for yourself, for those you love most. It’s a way of truly taking your thoughts, you know the ones, of revenge, retribution, of rehashing the hurt (thoughts you have no business thinking) captive and guiding your feelings to line up with your spirit and God’s truth.
That is the Kingdom economy in action, that is the “on it’s head” logic of grace that Jesus taught and lived, that we are called to. That is how we turn the other cheek, extend grace, and fully and properly mess with the Devils persistent plan to let our feelings lead us off track. This prayer can get you back on track, towards healing, towards peace, not just for you but also for whomever you are praying for.
And soon, maybe not as soon as you hoped, but soon, you will experience the turning of your heart. I pray that happens for you.
“Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the one who hears it and not in the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference.”
The wierdest thing happened to me last year. I got one, singular, black hair on my chin. I am not even joking. I called my mom, in full blown panic mode (wondering, am I the only one? Please no! Is this 40? Really? They should stop saying 40 is fabulous if 40 is actually hairy…and scary! Talk about false advertising) and also full of resentment (because there HAS TO BE SOMEONE I can blame for this and she was my obvious choice!).
Thankfully that wasn’t the only weirdest thing that happened to me in 2018. The other thing was that a publisher called and asked if I would consider turning some of my blogs into a book on parenting. I laughed. I silently mouthed the word WHAT at no one in particular. Then I asked her if she was sure that she dialed the right number. Because the truth is that my parenting journey is more misses than hits, more mishaps than magical moments and more therapy worthy interactions than Pinterest worthy inspiration. And aren’t parenting books supposed to be written by like, experts? People who have studied to have an opinion? But if you follow me on social media (i.e if you’ve seen me post pictures of my zits, my workouts and the notes my kids get in their lunchboxes!) then you will know that I said YES. Yes to writing a book. Yes to being honest with other moms and with myself. Yes to the open door that God in His grace deemed it to be time for in my life. So that is the reason my last blog was in January (said with no small amount of shame) and it’s the reason for this post. According to my dentist it’s also the reason why I now have very worn down teeth. Apparently late night typing and teeth grinding go hand in hand. Who knew?
So why did I write this book? Parenting is the one thing we all want to be good at. Or at least better at. But it’s also the one thing that is just flat out hard. Much harder than anyone ever tells you. Add to that the fact that our kids are growing up in a world that is vastly different than the one we grew up in (and changing fast), and you will quickly find yourself parenting in the defensive, constantly on the back foot as you face issues your parents never had to face and field questions you haven’t even figured out answers for. So how DO we equip them to face complex social issues in an ever-changing world in a way that grows them and instills in them the values that we hold dear, such as kindness, integrity, courage, gratitude, respect? Could we use the challenges they face on the playground or on the sports field to do that? (Spoiler: yes, we can and my book will show you how!) Secondly, considering the brief amount of time we have them with us, how do we lay a foundation in them that with strengthen them against the storms that will inevitably come into their lives, equipping them with everything good to do God’s will (Heb 12 v 21) and helping them make Jesus the cornerstone of their understanding of the world? (Spoiler: the book covers this also! I am nothing if not thorough!)
If you are like most moms I know, maybe you don’t have much time for reading. The parenting books you do own (that you may or may not have read, no judgement here!) were all written by experts. Now there is not a lot that I’m an expert on. But I am an expert on messing up as a mom, over analysing my mistakes, praying and pleading about my parenting with the Lord, and of course the gold standard skill of all moms: worrying. So if any of this sounds like you’re parenting journey, then this is the book for you. It’s not the kind of book you have to sit down and read. You don’t need a degree. You don’t even need a notebook or a big chunk of time. You can just open the table of contents and run your finger along a list of what is hopefully relevant/ useful topics, pop to the page that addresses the issue you are wondering about/ facing/ getting ready to face/ worrying over and dip in right there. Here is a list of the topics covered.
God’s directive to us as parents is clear:
Love God, your God, with your whole heart: Love him with all that’s in you, love him with all you’ve got! Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home, walking in the street, talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. (Deut 6 v 5 – 8 MSG).
And this directive was the blue print for this book, a parenting book written by an actual parent. Not an expert, not a psychologist, not a pastor but a parent. It was born out of real conversations, every day comings and goings and the very real conviction that the call of Deutoronomy 6 is a call of action and intention. It’s a book written by a real mom, with real struggles, wresting with what it means to raise kids, learning to rest in an awesome God. If this sounds like something you could use, you can head to the SHOP menu to order one (South African readers only – sorry) or get it on Kindle.
The purpose of a test is to assess our ability to apply what we’ve learned: 
Yes, we can and should have the earthly wisdom to prepare our kids for the world, for thriving school careers and later, for thriving adulthood. But does that wisdom stand the test of time, no, eternity? Because I can do all the crafts, and install an astroturf in my garden, and do all the Kumon and all the coding-for-kids, but in light of eternity, would those investments have been wise…or foolish? Certainly, they would have been foolish if I neglected the most important things. Because what good would that do if my kids don’t know the difference between being forgiven and not being forgiven. If they, in our homes, never had the opportunity to come to a saving knowledge of who God is and what He says about them, how much He loves them and what He did because of that love, and how that changes literally everything?
Because how can anyone be captivated by the love of God outside of the word of God? Nothing our kids see or hear in the world (truthfully nothing that they will even see and hear in and from us!) will give them a true enough picture to understand who God really is. And how will they hear if no one tells them? (Rom 10 v 14) 
Change the scenery, change the energy
That’s it. Because what better gift is there than the gift of peace?
