Jun 8, 2018 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Parenting
When did ordinary become a bad word? Was it when social media started making even a grilled-cheese-sandwich dinner look “extra”ordinary? (Thank you Amaro filter!) Instagram feeds full of “Don’t let average describe your life” #mondaymotivation has all of us drinking the cool-aid, and unwittingly buying into a side order of perpetual dissatisfaction with it! Is that not why we have a generation of unmotivated, deeply depressed millennials? Simon Sinek (you’ve seen the Youtube video right?) describes millennials as people who want to make an impact, but who want to reach the summit of impact without climbing the mountain required to reach it (a problem by the way, that he lays squarely at the feet of failed parenting strategies. That and unfettered access to technology. Ouch!). I for one think the argument is legit. Because ask anyone, ask Steve Jobs, ask Billy Graham or whoever you view as someone who has done something extraordinary and they will tell you that 99.9% of the steps taken to reach anywhere or anything extraordinary in life are unbelievably ordinary.
So this is what I told my boys about being ordinary…
That it takes courage to be ordinary: If you asked my kids what my husband has achieved in his life, they are likely to be vague about the longevity of his business and his acumen on a mountain bike and with a calculator. But they will be able to tell you in detail about the after work ping-pong matches, the daily swimming pool maintenance and the conversations around the dinner table that their dad was present for. Sure, it’s an ordinary middle-class life but I can tell you right now, that there is nothing ordinary about dads going home daily and diligently to see their families instead of staying late for just a few more emails or just another drink. Nothing ordinary about saying yes to cleaning the pool or killing the spider or hanging the picture on a Saturday and no to becoming better at golf or entering Ironman or whatever other bucket list item will take them away from their families for more hours. Those are the thousand small deny-thyself moments that declares something about where someone’s heart is at. Ordinary is hard because it’s unseen, un “post” worthy, unremarkable. Like the laundry pile and the admin file and the go the extra mile of any messy mom life!
Ordinary is all the seeds of surrender and submission and all the hard and unpopular
choices that build a life God rewards. There is nothing ordinary about faithfulness. It might not be glamorous but is sure is rare.
That we shouldn’t value achievement over discipline: My kids have the amazing privilege of having world record holder Peter Williams as a swimming coach. At our recent club awards ceremony, we were struck by the fact that swimmers received recognition both for points scored/records broken in races and for characteristics and attitudes displayed during training. It spoke to their coach’s conviction that coaches are daily called to the deep purpose of character building and that they are doing more than preparing kids for races, they are in a thousand laps and a thousand ways preparing kids for life. Because the truth is that how you train builds your character, and how you win tests that character.
It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes us, its the consistent habits and behaviors of every day. Having goals is great, but who will you become on the way? Saul had many achievements, but David was a man after God’s own heart. The loud flash of achievement might be what the world honours, but the small daily grind of discipline and service is what God’ honours. If my kids won every medal out there but did not have love or the guts to show up for the everyday ordinary of their own lives, I couldn’t be more of a failure as a parent!
Everyone wants to be special, shine in a moment. But the truth is that it’s the mosaic of unremarkable events that make up days and years that end up making a person.
That obscurity is not the enemy: We live in a world where the humblebrag has been cultivated into a fine art, with everything from how many books we read to how well we rode or ran a portion on Strava (even if we stuck to our Bible reading plan) being broadcast to the world. My kids know that a portion of my day job deals with industries built on celebrity and fame. And it’s normal for kids of a certain age and stage to gravitate towards careers and talents that would get them noticed, like playing a sport for your country or gaining recognition as a musician (both ideas that I actively, maybe obsessively discourage. And no I don’t feel guilty about it. I flipped that switch years ago).
I have noticed that as parents we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get our kids to aim for a definition of special that has been shaped by the world. Instead I hope to show them that God makes us all in a very particular way to tell His story to the world, and this has nothing to do with fame and celebrity. Every pot for a purpose (2 Tim 2 v 20)! Some people are charismatic leaders who bring out the best in others. But it takes equal if not more courage to be ordinary and do the ordinary things and respond to the most ordinary of callings with extraordinary passion.
If we can guard against comparison and a world-shaped-view of value and worth we will stop being so uncomfortable with obscurity.
That each day counts, not just the big days: The message of Scripture is not that only the big days, big things, big people count.
“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” Rom 12 v 1-2 MSG
God calls us to number all of our days (Ps 90 v 12), even if they are not stand-out, red letter days. Because He knows, you are what you repeatedly do. He knows, the ordinary is where the true story lies, where the true you is crafted and revealed.
“The only way to live a truly remarkable life is not to get everyone to notice you but to leave noticeable marks of his love everywhere you go- Anne Voskamp.
Wise people know that their present will one day be their past and it will show up in their future. This is why the Apostle Paul calls us to “ redeem the time” (Eph 5 v 16). A quiet, ordinary life, unknown to the world, can still be one of much fruitfulness and joy to God. That fruitfulness grows in the realisation that nothing God does in our lives is ever wasted. Most of the time we don’t have to be awesome, we just have to be obedient.
Apr 18, 2018 | Activism, Charity, Children, Christianity, Church, Discipleship, Faith, Family, God, Grace
Do you give to beggars?
We pass 7 traffic lights between our house and school, and 7 beggars, 8 if you count the toddler accompanying the woman at the entrance to our local mall. Sadly, in South Africa, this is disturbingly commonplace. And just like you are suddenly more aware of how crooked your handwriting is when the teacher is looking over your shoulder, you are suddenly more aware of how crooked your society is when your kids are in the back of the car. Asking you hard questions.
Stats SA’s poverty report shows that 30 million South Africans live in poverty out of a population of approximately 58 million people. If these numbers alone don’t confront our hearts, then the daily confrontation with the poor among us definitely should.
But how do we teach and model to our kids the right way to interact with the socio-economic needs of our nation? Is it really to just randomly hand out money or food at every street corner? I don’t think so.
“She sets her heart upon a nation and takes it as her own, carrying it within her. She labors there to plant the living vines.” (Prov 31 v 16 TPT)
So here is what I’ve told the boys:
We MUST give, and we must give with joy:
Our privileges and yes, our blessings too, are in our lives for the sake of others, not just for our own sake. We are blessed in order to bless! Our giving is not benevolence for the sake of assuaging our conscience or giving ourselves a (usually public by way of Facebook) pat on the back. According to God’s word, our giving is an act of both obedience (Heb 13 v 16) in response to God’s goodness, but also a joyful opportunity (Rom 12 v 7-8) in response to God’s love.
“God has given us two hands, one to receive with and the other to give with” – Billy Graham.
If we consider where God placed us, and what He placed in our hands, how could we not give? I have written before how I’ve tackled what I call the “burden of
privilege” with my boys, so that they can deal rightly, carefully, generously, and intentionally with the privileges that are a part of their lives.
We must be intentional and obedient in our giving:
As believers, our giving takes 2 forms. As citizens of South Africa, both my husband and I honor God by paying our taxes. A portion of our taxes goes towards social grants. More than 17 million South Africans receive social grants, which is our governments’ way of bringing to fruition Section 24 through 29 of our country’s impressive Bill of Rights, which focuses on the socio-economic rights of citizens, including the right to social security. The social grant system is a verifiable, standardized system of care, and the grants available include the child support grant, older person’s grant, disability grant, foster child grant, war veterans grant etc. So already, by merely following the laws of this land, (and God’s command Mark 12v17), we are already taking care of the poor. All people may not be able to make all the choices I have the privilege of making, but in a welfare state, they at least have some protection offered by law.
The second way we respond to the poor is by our tithes and offerings, where we commit our first fruits to our church and it’s various ministries, including it’s outreach to the poor. At my church, as I am sure it is the case at yours,
our social outreach is by way of focussed, intentional initiatives that take a long-term, holistic view of caring for the poor in both a physical and a spiritual way.
We must give to help, not to hurt:
According to a study done by Solidariteit, 90% of beggars in the Twane area use the money they obtain exclusively for drugs/ addictive substances. They make an average of R500 a day. The fact is that when we give money to someone on the street, we are often under the wrong impression that this money will go towards really helping, towards actual material needs such as shelter, food or clothing. But for the most part, this is not the case. Even the clothes and food we give gets bartered and sold. And in our thoughtless giving, we seldom realize the damage we do.
In my city women begging with one or 2 kids in tow is also commonplace. Very often, these kids are “on loan” and not even their real children. In the case of these scenarios, the damage we do in our “giving” is actually far worse and far-reaching. At my local mall there is a woman and a child begging on a daily basis. She keeps showing up with the toddler in tow because suburban housewives with their Woolies packets and their pampered guilt continue to happily part with a few bills on the way home from the mall.
They are under the wrong impression that they are making a difference, but they are in fact just keeping things the same, or making them worse.
By giving in that situation not only are we thoughtlessly enabling an adult to (ab)use a child for monetary gain (there’s a name for that you know! It’s slavery), but we are actually funding the long-term neglect and abuse of the child as a means to make money (and yes, there is a name for that too..it’s human trafficking). We are cooperating in depriving that child of his/ her basic rights as underpinned by our constitution to be educated, protected from exploitation and to be safe, keeping that innocent out of school and enslaved, likely having a shocking long-term impact on his/her development. The adult has a vested interest in keeping the child on the street, out of any early childhood development centre (of which many free or funded ones are available in poorer areas) or school (where a parent can apply for exception from school fees) because she knows if she is there with the child, motorists and passers-by are more likely to give than if she was there without the child.
So what to do? I have engaged (together with the boys) where it’s been possible especially with women and children in these situations, supplying walk-in centre information for organisations such as
MES, which does amazing work especially in inner city environments, and who have the facilities and infrastructure to help with paperwork for Grants, who have Early Childhood Development Centres, Employment programs, Shelters and the like. Instead of arming yourself with small change, arm yourself with information about reputable non-profits or charities that are active in your area. Most soup kitchens and feeding points also have referral and ministry systems in place that go beyond “bread alone” for those in need.
So here is a key question: Does what I give and how I give it keep people enslaved, or provide a way out for them?
We can’t help everyone, but we can help someone:
Having worked at an NGO for 4 years, this is a very hard reality for me to stand in. And it’s a struggle to not become overwhelmed by the needs around us. We can’t help everyone. That’s the bad news. The good news is that, especially if you are a South African, you don’t have to go very far for an opportunity to make a difference. In our neighborhood, at our school, in our kitchens, and on our street corners we are every day presented with multiple opportunities to have an impact, be an everyday radical, to leave things and people, better than we found them. And in all of those encounters, we get to reflect Jesus to the world. In all of these encounters God is always asking, “who can I send?”
If we feel like we should change the world, maybe we will be too overwhelmed to do anything. But if we see how we are uniquely placed to change things for one person, maybe we will be inspired enough to do something. As a family, we recently signed up as sponsors for 2 kids via
Compassion International. It an amazing opportunity to expose the boys to what it takes to break the cycle of poverty and how we can play a role (however small) what holistic care looks like, and by helping 2 boys not dissimilar to my 2, the journey is both relatable, practical and impactful.
Key question: are the people I encounter/ in my sphere of influence, better off or worse off because of me?
We must acknowledge the humanity in every person:
Even though the boys now know that we don’t hand out money to beggars, I try to model to them that we also make a point to greet every person that we encounter on our travels. Regardless of how far we have all fallen, we remain image bearers, and when we acknowledge a beggar by greeting them and making eye contact with them we are doing more than being polite, we are acknowledging our shared humanity, our shared brokenness, and fallenness. It’s both a restorative act as well as an affirmation of value. Their fall from grace might look different from mine, but fallen is fallen isn’t it? And our need for Jesus is the same. Because the gospel informs us that we are all poor. Of course it’s different types of poverty, physical, emotional, spiritual, but in each of those settings, our need for Jesus is the same. we are all in need of God’s grace and above all His deliverance, salvation, restoration and sanctification. Poverty is not the thing that separates us from the people we aim to help, it is, in fact, the one true leveler and the one thing we have in common.
We must continue to sow small seeds because many “ones” soon become “thousands”:
Acts of kindness are cumulative, and with our actions, we choose what we put out into the world. Whether we will thoughtlessly join the streams of negativity and hopelessness, or courageously resist, not allowing ourselves to become fatigued in doing good (Gal 6 v 9) is a choice. To help the boys choose to be a part of the solution, the good in the world, we use the
Game for Humanity cards, the school version (there is an adult version as well). Have you heard of these? Every week the boys take a card with an act of goodness on it, for example:
- Help with recycling at your school
- Make a hungry child a sandwich
- Help someone with their homework
Once they fulfill the action on the card they pass it on to another student, ideally the one they assisted, and so they spread good, one person at a time. It is a great way for them to see that they have control over their ability to infuse their environment with positivity, or the alternative, and to act responsibly within their little circle of influence to build on the cumulative effects of kindness and good deeds.
It’s tough out there. Doing good things takes a lot of bravery. But we don’t have to reinvent the wheels of response, opportunities are all around us. We are called to continue to choose empathy, even if it doesn’t come naturally because that is what Jesus did. I hope to raise children who are more deeply aware of the context they grow up in, of where they have been planted and why, certainly more so than I was as a white middle-class kid in South Africa. I don’t know if I will get this right but these types of conversations are a start.
This blog is an except from my talk about being and raising everyday radicals. For more on talks click here
Nov 8, 2017 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipleship, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting
“What about my quiet times?”
Three times in the last 2 weeks. That’s how many times I was asked this question by moms of young children. That’s how I knew it was a thing. That’s also how I knew I must be old!
How do you keep growing with God when you are in the throws of the not-sleeping, always-feeding-burping-changing-or running-after, why-must-they-get-up-at-5AM-on-Saturdays madness of those early years with kids?
It’s not as complicated as you think:
Raise your expectations of God and lower your expectations of yourself!
Because what would your life, your walk with Jesus look like if you expected to see God every day all day any time of day, and you got rid of the expectations of what your walk with Him is supposed to look like (which very often mostly depends on things you do)? What if you placed all your expectations on the promise of His nearness in this season of your life, instead of placing it on your own ability to carve out 60 precious quiet, uninterrupted minutes. The dichotomy is that nothing will test the fiber of your faith like being a mom, and yet in that season you are relegated to noisy cry-rooms listening to half of a sermon and you can barely carve out time to wash your hair much less wash your spirit in a solid daily quiet time. You can barely go to the bathroom alone, much less have alone time with Jesus. And there you are in a season where you need Jesus more than ever!
The good news is that I have some points that may encourage you. In other good news, I will keep it short. For obvious reasons! There is a way that we can journey with God and grow in our faith in the challenging season of early parenthood if we can just let go of the idea of that we have in our head that it’s all supposed to look a certain way. So..
Let God do what God does: Too often in life, we have a very high expectation of ourselves and actually a very low expectation of God. You can hear it in the way we pray. The way we are always asking Him to help us do things and how seldom we just ask Him to do them. He is still on the throne, even if you feel you might have lost the plot.
Do your best but don’t trust your best. Instead see parenting for what it really is – the biggest trust exercise you will ever complete and your biggest ever leap of faith! Trust God.
Let the Word do what the Word does: It’s sharper than a two-edged sword (Heb 4 v 12) and it never returns void (Is 55 v 11). When your days are long and your attention span is short, take one verse, or maybe 2 (on the days that kid slept through the night). Write it on a cue card (I use these all the time) and give yourself time to memorize it. Read it in the morning when you wake up and just before you go to sleep, meditate on it as you make dinner, sink into it as you stand at the sink, keep a card in your car and next to the feeding chair or the changing station, pray it over yourself and over your kids. Let it do something in you, instead of you trying to do something with it! Oh and listen, I love me a good ‘ole girlfriend devotional any day of the week, and of course there is a season for that, but I really believe that in the long run 2nd hand conviction won’t carry us. Each of us is responsible to get into the Word for ourselves. And the year that you have that first or second or third baby is NOT the year that you also read through the bible. Just let that go ok! Take a bite-size, chew on it for a couple of days. See what happens.
Let worship do what worship does: Do you worship in your home, or do you leave that for Sundays? Worshipping God is a powerful thing. Whether you are blasting Hillsong at full force or simply out-loud-my-neighbors-think-I’m-crazy speaking gratitude and praise to God (ascribing to Him the Glory due to His name alla David style in Psalm 29v2) as you pack the lunchboxes; there is power and authority in the act. The act of worship draws our eyes upwards and our hearts closer to God as we see Him more clearly and ourselves more clearly. Be intentional about bringing worship into your home and creating a spiritual atmosphere that can influence your spirit and help you draw near to God when the slog of parenting leaves you parched for intimacy with Him. It will do you good. It will do your children good.
We end up walking around with this huge expectation that we as moms are somehow letting our faith “slip” and we really should just “try harder or get up earlier” with some pinterest perfect spirituality when in fact there is no better time than when you first become a mom for you to realise that
weak is the new strong and that the whole parenting deal doesn’t rise and fall on your ability to parent but on your ability to trust God MORE.
AW Tozer says that it is in the nature of God to speak, He is never silent, and the one who doesn’t expect to hear God speak will discount what He says. Soooooo, higher expectation of God, lower expectation of self. Do you know what you need for the chaos and the fears and the battles of parenting (no, of LIFE!)? You need songs and prayers! And the Bible is full of both! And all the sisters said: AMEN!
Oct 30, 2017 | Bible, Children, Church, Faith, Family, God, Parenting, Toddlers |
I wasn’t too keen on writing this post. It was actually a request from a friend. I usually try to steer away from very polarizing content, and you would think that as South Africans, Halloween wouldn’t even be on the radar. But on TV and in the media, in shopping malls and at schools it’s a thing (mostly because money is a thing, am I right?)! Sometimes we humans are just such suckers!
So please, if you read this, this is not an indictment on anyone’s culture or traditions. It’s one mom’s directive to her boys to navigate a difficult, complicated and often dark world in God’s light. Mostly I’m just winging it, seriously, I am no expert on anything! If you have been to this blog before, you know that I only really have one message, and that is Jesus. So if that’s not your vibe, this is not a blog for you. No offense meant, and none taken, I promise! One of the biggest hallmarks of maturity is the ability to agree to disagree and still be kind about it.
Here is how it went down at our house. At the Browns, our definition of truth is God’s opinion about everything. And so in a lot of ways that makes even complex situations and decisions simple. Even if the Bible doesn’t outright tell us about something by name, it provides principles that appear again and again throughout that guide us in making good decisions. Such as:
Kids are spiritual beings (Jer 1 v 5): From a young age I wanted to remain aware of the fact that my kids are spiritual beings and that I should treat them as such. Don’t think because your little one is too young to understand a situation that their spirit doesn’t have insight. When The Elder was 4 I took him to a bookshop and pulled down a handful of books off the shelves in the children’s section. I told him that we can sense light and darkness by the way certain settings, images, places and people make us feel and I tested it by showing him different book covers and asking him if this makes him feel “light” or “dark”. He was very easily able to tell the difference and it was one of the first ways I used to introduce the kids the idea that they have the ability inside them to spiritually discern things. I didn’t have to teach him, he was able to sense it. This has been the basis for many discussions since, and I continue to pray that my sons will always know when something doesn’t feel right or look right and that they would be able to listen to those spiritual promptings. And we try to consistently teach them to be careful what they expose themselves to.
And we live in a spiritual world (Eph 2 v 1-10) where there are consistently 2 forces at play, good and evil. The world is filled with goodness from God and evil from Satan. That is the reality. But I don’t feel that it is enough or even right to just say to my kids, no and avoid and don’t when it comes to this kind of thing! That doesn’t seem brave nor productive. Thank goodness thanks to a Bible-believing Christian community and church we have alternatives that we can expose our kids to on days like Halloween, that respond to the celebration of evil and darkness with an intentional celebration on all that is positive and uplifting and evil overcoming!
Thank goodness there remains more in this world to be brave about – chiefly thanks to the fact the Jesus wins! Thank goodness good is still worth a party too!
Every newscast of every day feels like a hailing of the darkness in our world – do we really need a day set aside for more darkness when the light we have is so worthy of celebration? Because we are not called to hide, we are called to honour the truth that is inside of each of us, that Jesus has overcome evil (1 John 4 v 4), making us overcomers also!
We are called to walk in the Light (1 John 1 v 5-7): That is our calling as believers, a calling to walk where Jesus is, where the light is.
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.
And called to keep away from the works of darkness (Eph 5 v 11). If a 4-year-old can discern the differents between works of darkness and things of the light, you don’t need a theology degree to work out that things relating to sorcery, witchcraft,wicca (for whom Halloween is a high and holy day – for real!) paganism, wizardry, death, ghosts, demons, zombies, spells, soothsaying, star-signs etc are an abomination to God. You just need to be able to read.
Christianity is counter-cultural (1 John 2 v 15-16): A faith of countercultural virtues, like patience and meekness and hope, that is the one we profess. And as believers, we must continue to be bold in opposing that which is out of step with the Gospel (Gal 2 v 19 – 20). When it comes to choosing video games, books, TV programs, movies pastimes, clothes, whatever, I often see how hard it is for the boys to accept that something different guides our life and our choices. I get that! I get that it’s hard! But the other thing I always tell the boys, is that conviction and comfort don’t live on the same street, and I would rather they, very early on, get used to the fact that everyone isn’t the same, don’t choose the same, don’t live the same way and learn to be ok with being different in that way. How do you think I’ve been getting away with them not having iPads for this long?
If you want a religion to make you feel comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity – CS Lewis
If the roots are bad, the fruits are bad (Matt 7 v 18). Thank goodness you only have to walk out into nature to explain this even to a toddler. Based on this principle we don’t involve our kids with things that find their roots in the occult, wizardry, eastern mysticism, or other religions. So no yoga, no martial arts, and no Harry Potter here and yes, no Halloween. And yes, I know, we are weird like that.
Did you know that I wrote a book about this and other topics, from culture to current affairs, from faith to friendship, to help you have gospel lead and Bible based conversations with your kids? Check it out here!
And Momma, don’t underestimate the spirit that is alive in your child, regardless of age. I know it’s heavy stuff, but I can’t help but think we are in that age that Isaiah was talking about when he said in Is 5 v 20 – 21:Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and clever in their own sight! Just because our kids are young let’s not call things innocent that are not innocent. I cannot pray for God’s protection over my boys on one hand and knowingly compromise my child s spirit on the other.
Let’s continue to pray for the grace and the wisdom to raise kids that are wise about what is good and innocent about what is evil (Rom 16 v19), and let’s continue to be brave together!
Sep 27, 2017 | Activism, Bible, Children, Christianity, Faith, Family, Parenting, Tips
I received so much reaction to last week’s post about how to help our kids deal with rejection, with an outcry for practical, biblical tools around bullying. Spoiler: I don’t think I have any! So today I am sharing from an evolving conversation that I have been having with my boys for the past 5 years. It’s truly been a challenge for me as a mom and believer to mine out the truth of how I believe my kids should respond to bullying in amongst the pop psychology, masses of content and school presentations on the topic. What makes it harder is that it’s, of course, tricky, especially with younger kids, to really get the full story of a particular incident. And the label of bullying is nowadays applied to things our parents would have just told us to (wo)man up about, like teasing or mocking or baiting or gossip.
Because it’s hard to be a kid nowadays, it’s also hard to be a parent!
In these ongoing conversations with my boys, my aim is practical, biblical advice that would equip them not only to function well in the conditions of social tyranny present (sadly I don’t even know what else to call it!) in our schools today (no school is exempt, I don’t care how fancy it might be or even what country it’s in!), and to be arming them with the confidence to live up to God’s expectations of them in those settings. This applies both to instances where they might be bullied or where they see someone else being bullied.
IF THEY SEE BULLYING AT SCHOOL:
Look for opportunities to do good:
“See to it that no one repays evil for evil to anyone, but always persue what is good for one another and for all” 1 Thess 5 v 15 NIV
My boys are not the morality police. Nor can they fix everything. But in this as in everything, I want them to know that regardless of their age they always have a role to play. I cannot ask my boys to go and shine their light every day if that doesn’t include standing up for those who fall victim to bullies. Just like with poverty, wrongdoing, injustice, I tell them that our silence amounts to our consent and I encourage them not only to look for opportunities to be good to people (like taking extra tuck money for kids who never get tuck money) but to play their part in fostering an inclusive environment at school and looking out for peers who might need it.
Stand up for those who need it:
“Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to death; don’t stand back and let them die. Don’t try to disclaim responsibility by saying you didn’t know about it. For God, who knows hearts, knows yours, and he knows you knew! And he will reward everyone according to their deeds.” Prov 24 v 11-12 (LBE)
I have made sure that they know what bullying is (actions where the goal is to cause harm, on purpose and repeatedly) – and also what it isn’t, and to be on the lookout for it in their little sphere of influence.
One of the ways my boys can honor God in their school is to portray His love for justice, to defend the timid and encourage the weak.
Be a courageous confronter:
I want my boys to not only notice vulnerable people but present themselves as defenders of the underdog if the situation calls for it. And no, not with their fists, but with loud and direct words. We have reviewed phrases and acted out scenarios to build their confidence for these types of situations. Using a loud voice not only draws the attention of (hopefully close by) supervising adults, but also increases the self-awareness of the bully, which might – even just temporarily – halt the bad actions.
“Hey, why are you doing that?”
“I know you might be in a bad mood/ going through a tough time/ whatever, but don’t take it out on so-and-so!”
Two by two:
Of course, my first instinct is to tell the boys to just stay out of it. But that actually goes against what I believe and the kind of boys I want to raise. And so if they have to possibly place themselves into difficult situations, I tell them to do it with someone else (preferably each other). Two is better than one, especially if you need a witness and especially if you are confronting someone who is older than you.
Pray for the victim:
For every response we might have in the flesh we must always rise up in the spirit. When my boys tell me about a bad situation at school, and we pray together for those affected, it bolsters both their faith and their confidence in prayer as an intentional action against the hardships of life. This is the prayer we offer up:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for our friend who is being bullied. May he/she seek you and may you answer him/her and deliver him/ her from all his/ her fears. May they look to you and gain a radiant face, not blushed in shame or confusion, because your word says when we cry to you, you hear us and you save us from our troubles (Ps 34 v 4-6). I pray for his/ her safety, that eventhough they walk in the midst of trouble, that you will revive him/ her. Stretch out your hand Father God against the wrath of his/ her enemy and stretch our your right hand to save him/ her (Ps 138 v7)
WHEN THEY ARE BEING BULLIED:
Be a sleuth:
Every time someone is nasty to you, they are not necessarily bullying you. But if you see a pattern, don’t just ignore a situation that you can discern will escalate. Take notes of instances and build a case. Schools sometimes tend to deal with these situations in a “conflict resolution” style, which is not always appropriate, as it can make the victim feel like they elicited the abuse and now we must “all say we are sorry to each other”. Bullying is behaviour that is actually surfacing another issue, mostly one that started at home. So that is where all anti-bullying efforts should start. Make a case (the boys take notes and if there is any physical evidence we take photos ) and push back so the school can actively engage the parents of the bully and provide support if needed. I encourage the boys to take notes of dates and times and situations.
Use non-violent words in a loud way:
We have taught the boys to use this question: “What is your problem with me?”. And they have used it to diffuse many escalating situations. Confrontation helps both you as the victim as it causes a pause in an escalating situation. I know that many Christian parents might teach their kids to “turn the other cheek”, but in instances of bullying the ideal outcome for my kids would be not getting angry or getting even, but that the boys grow in courage and confidence. In John 18 when Jesus was confronted by the High Priest and then slapped by an officer, this is what Jesus replied:
“If I have said anything wrong, make a formal statement about the wrong; but if I spoke properly, why did you strike me?”.
A reasoned pushback can be disarming. It may just be that the one time you confront him, your efforts form part of a domino effect that will end up helping this person see how their behaviour is not only harming others but setting them on a path of destruction. Every bully is some mother’s child!
Defending yourself and being hurtful is not the same thing and ensuring that you push back, verbally with a wide and confident stance, while at the same time not being abusive or demeaning to the other person (thereby turning you into a bully yourself!) is a fine line that takes a lot of discussions – especially with younger kids and considering the emotions relating to these types of situations.
But I always circle back with the boys to the truth about their position in Jesus, that they are always approaching from a place of victory, not towards it.
Do not give in to fear:
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Tim 1 v 17
Even in how I respond when my kids tell me about an incident where they may have been the victim (yes, I don’t like that word but let’s just use it for now for the sake of clarity!) it’s important to not make room for fear. They read much about how serious they should take the indignity or offence by how I react to them telling me about it. Of course on the inside, I am often seething. Of course on the inside, there are few things more frustrating than being in a position where you cannot defend your young. I’d rather be on hold with Eskom that experience that sense of powerlessness. But fear is demoralising and depressing even if you are a kid! I address the hurt caused by the rejection or hurt from others in my previous blog.
Being quick to forgive liberates us from the sting of hurt or rejection and fosters true inner strength.
Be a proactive peacemaker:
“Blessed (spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor) are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will (express His character and) be called the sons of God.”(Matt 5 v 9)
If we want an environment where people treat us with respect, we must treat them with respect. If we want an environment where others have grace with our transgressions we must have grace with theirs. In order to find creative ways to confront and deal with bullies, I’ve asked the boys to think about how they would want someone to approach and deal with them should they be the cause of strive at school and – in that – to remember the golden rule, to treat others the way we want to be treated, even when we are at our worst.
It’s easy to love our friends, it’s hard to love peers who are prickly!
Pray for the bully:
“But I say to you who hear Me and pay attention to my words:”Love (that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for) your enemies, make it a practice to do good to those who hate you, bless and show kindness to those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”Luke 6 v 27-28
We pray something along these lines:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for <enter bully’s name here>. You know the realities of his life that has lead him to this point. I want to pray that you would give him a soft heart, and put your Spirit inside him and remove his hard heart (Ex 36 v 26). I want to pray that you will bring people into His life that will reflect to him the way you see him, and that you will guide me if I must be one of those people.
A straight word to us as parents:
Firstly: Anti-bullying laws are not helpful. WE (not teachers or the government) are responsible to teach our children how to treat others. No law is going to teach them that. Read any letter that Paul wrote and you will soon deduce this truth, that a law can give us a consciousness of sin, but it provides no power to overcome it. Our laws are no different, just think about it. Anti-bullying laws have the potential to victimise or even criminalise someone who at the root likely already have their own trauma. Of course, a bully should be punished, but there is no point in perpetuating the cycle of violence instead of addressing the root problems that some kids are facing.
Secondly: Yes, you would hope that teachers would take seriously their responsibility for the safety of our kids when they are at school. But despite the old adage, teachers do not have eyes behind their heads and they cannot see everything. It remains our responsibility to connect daily with our kids on more than just homework and assignments and activities, to prioritise the time we spend pursuing open channels of communication where our kids have our undivided (as in no phone) attention. It is not the child’s responsibility to share this stuff with you. You are responsible to avail yourself of how your kid is feeling and how he is dealing with difficult situations at school. We are responsible for creating spaces for our kids to feel free to share. I believe that one of the biggest reasons for the rise in bullying in schools is the total and utter breakdown of families and family structures. We work longer, we see our kids less, we no longer prioritise in line with God’s word and the foundations of marriages and families are frail and unstable. As adults, we are failing our kids. We give them access to everything from private school education to tablets and smartphones and world-class coaching and extramural activities that will turn them into early astronauts, but we fail to give them access to us, our undivided attention, a view into our walk with Jesus, a firm grasp on home taught family values.
Go to war in prayer Momma, for your family, for your school (and all it’s families) and your community.
