Sep 8, 2019 | Activism, Bible, Children, Christianity, Faith, Family, Raising boys
My son saw the #metoo #amInext march in Cape Town last week on the news. The conversation went like this:
“Why are they marching Mom?”
“Because violence against women in South Africa is like an epidemic my son”
“But why Mom?”
“Because there is something fundamentally wrong in our society?”
“But why Mom?”
“Because my son, there is something fundamentally wrong in our hearts.”
I stand behind that protest 100%. But a protest is like a volume button, it get’s your attention. but making something louder doesn’t make it better. It is certainly no substitute for action (Yes this is actually also something I’ve spoken to my kids about). But action by whom? As a mom raising boys, I find myself at the coalface of where I believe the change must happen. Graca Machel was right as she addressed mourners at the memorial service of tragically slain student Uyinene Mrwetyana, when she said: “it is in our families”. The correction needs to happen much closer to home than in a courtroom or a police station or via some system or law. At home is where the shaping happens, make no mistake. Your home is the frontline where mutual respect (yes, boys should respect girls and yes girls should respect boys because people should respect each other. Bottom line ) is modeled or distorted, where we either uphold or disregard, instill or destroy the fundamental truth of our shared worth, value and humanity. We don’t need governments and systems to change. We need people to change. And we are people…raising people. That is actually why I wrote The Mommy Diaries, because we are raising kids in a complex world that is only set to become more so. But there is a way to live and lead in that complexity with courage and wisdom.
The hashtags of #metoo and #amInext and #femicide is a call to a higher standard of engagement. But as parents we must call ourselves to it if we are hoping to call our kids to it. And so I believe it is above everything not a call to governments and leaders, but a call to action directed at families, a call to parents.
It’s all of our responsibility to raise the kind of kids who appreciate the uniqueness, equality, dignity and value of the opposite gender. That doesn’t just happen.
It has never been more important to engage with our kids in a new and focused way around these things and to be intentional about it. So this is what I told my boys:
The way women are treated is an atrocity:
This is not limited to South Africa or certain communities or cultures. It’s true everywhere. And women have had enough. Our breaking point has been centuries in the making and now it’s here. And I want my boys to know why. It is based on certain misinterpretations of biology and theology, that didn’t take into account a full set of facts or context. Misinterpretations (i.e the “glasses” through which people “read” these things) that have been accepted as truths, but that are in fact lies. And I have no problem in calling them lies because the idea that women are somehow “less than” has no biological, cultural or scriptural basis. These lies have informed everything from how women are treated and paid, to where they are and aren’t allowed to be/ serve/work/play and have snowballed into the utter disregard with which they are hurt, abused, spoken of and to. These lies are present in homes, in businesses, in churches and in cultures. I know this first hand.
But the problem is not in how women are treated:
The true problem lies in the way women are viewed. The problem is deeper than history, than a culture of patriarchy, than biases and blond jokes. Because all of those things find their origin in one place, in the way one person sees another person. In that sense racism, xenophobia (another evil that rocked our nation again this week) and femicide/ gender based violence is not that different. Because at their root they all find their origins in the way one person sees another person. And as is always the case, the way you see someone else is most often based on how you see yourself. If you see someone as less than, it’s because you see yourself as “more than”. If you see someone for some reason as less deserving, it’s because you see yourself as more deserving.
So yes, it’s important that we address equality, pay equity, femicide and all those good and essential things, but lets make no mistake, real change happens in a different direction.
I don’t want to raise boys who know how to behave in a way that honors, values and respects women. Having the good manners to not tell blond jokes and not hit girls is not the same as holding firm to a fundamental believe that all people are worthy of honor, value and respect.
Because ultimately if we wish to see changes in our society, in legislation, in our communities, there can be no fundamental change effected on that level if we don’t dig down a little deeper and try to affect change at a heart level.
Change will not come through laws and loudspeakers if it doesn’t first come in hearts and homes
Always fight lies with truth:
This is the definition of truth in our house: God’s opinion about EVERYTHING. And if God sees everyone the same so should we. His opinion is that we are all equal (Gen 1 v 27/ Deut 10 v 17/ Rom 2 v 11/ Gal 3 v 26 – 29) and have equal standing with Him.
In God’s eyes we are endowed with worth not because of this or that attribute but because of His likeness in us and His love for us. It is not dependent on status, race, gender or culture. This is something that is true of every human person.
God gives us a different lens through which to see the world. In fact Jesus in word and deed was an example to us in how women are to be regarded and treated in society, in defiance of the social, judicial and religious customs of His day. In all things He is the embodiment of what loving others should look like. Jesus shows us that our lens must never be culture, or history, or tradition or popular opinion. The examples that proves that there is no “less than” attitude in the bible when it comes to women are too many to mention, but I like to throw some at the boys from time to time just to make sure they know: “The first person Jesus told He was the Christ was a woman, the first person He appeared to after He rose from the dead was a woman. Oh, and just incase you were wondering what God thought about women consider this: none of you would even be here if it wasn’t for us”.
The call on all of us is to regard everyone not by what we see on the outside, but by the truth of them as spiritual beings (2 Cor 5 v 16) and image bearers. Misogyny (and yes, my kids know what misogyny is because they understand prejudice. Thank you South African Public schooling) is based on a skewed idea of worth that we can only correct by acknowledging a higher truth.
Consider carefully, don’t consumer carelessly or accept mindlessly:
When we say things like “the problem is in society or culture or whatever” what we are often trying to communicate is that something has been “normalized” over time to a point where it is accepted. If we do not pinpoint those “accepted lies” and reveal them, they will hide in our hearts forever. That is why I encourage the boys to look and think a little deeper whenever I get a chance.
At a recent school prizegiving, a Gr 7 girl in The Elder’s class received an award for taking the most wickets in a cricket match at provincial level. Even though my kids attend a wonderfully integrated and dynamic school, there was still that ripple of suprise that went through the audience, and it made me chuckle a little. But it also presented a great object lesson for the boys. Why shouldn’t a girl perform well on the cricket field, or any field? Look, I’d be the first to tell you I don’t enjoy watching women play rugby, for example! Because frankly if I wanted to watch women shoving and bumping at each other aggressively I’d much rather just go to the Woolworths Quality sale, am I right? But that doesn’t mean women shouldn’t play rugby, or go to space. I don’t want my boys to just mindlessly go along with what societal pack thing dictates as the “norm” and so I look for opportunities to challenge that thinking and to put forward this truth:
Roles, jobs, positions and participation should be based on gifting, not gender! Always. Everywhere.
Our words reveal our attitudes and so I am pretty brutal when it comes to blond jokes, the use of phrases such as “women driver” and I strongly discourage the boys from listening to music that objectifies women. As an Afrikaans speaking female I am deeply horrified at how often in my culture songs contain those types of messages, but they serve as great object lessons to explain to the boys:
Make sure that even to the level of the content you consume and the jokes you tell you are reflecting the honor and respect that you yourself would like to be on the receiving end of.
Recognize and respect:
I tell the boys to pay attention to the contributions of not only the women in their lives (there are some epic ones!) but also the women in our world. Reading female authors, watching female athletes and considering the specific strengths and traits of the girls and women in their world that they admire. Not in an “anything boys can do girls can do better” kind of way, then all we are doing is swinging the pendulum the other way. That also doesn’t reflect respect or value. But in a way that sensitizes them to recognize and respect women equally in a culture and society that is possibly not set up for that to happen naturally.
We have the power to change things.
In a world of man-bashing (mostly rightly so), we as boy-moms should try to encourage positive masculinity and chivalrous behaviour that has nothing to do with long-dead ideas about men and women, but has everything to do with the heart attitude that there is never a reason to be mean, that kindness is always the best response, and the golden rule of putting others first that helps our kids to shine a light in the world.
When we sensitize our boys to inherent biases I believe we are actually empowering them. It equips them with an understanding of the world that helps them make sense of things, and an understanding of themselves that helps them grow. The power for real change lies not in the pressure we can put on a government or system or institution. Because at a fundamental level it’s not society, history or culture that govern what we do and don’t to, it’s what we have accepted as true, have bought into on a belief/ heart level.
It is only change at a heart level that helps us see things differently. Only then can we do things differently.
Oct 6, 2018 | Balance, Bible, Christianity, Community, Faith, Family, Fear, Friends, God, Grace, Tips
Maybe this is one of those things that only some people struggle with. Like complaining about bad service or sending food back in a restaurant or wearing flowery patterns. But here’s the thing. I need help…to learn to ask for help! I recently embarked on the most terrifying, anwer-to-prayer passion project of my life, a project that I hope to be the first of many. And in the last 2 months as I have struggled to fit the rest of my overfull life around accomodating this big dream I realised, sadly, terrifyingly, that I needed help. I wish I needed to have a root canal. I wish I needed to have ducks tunnel into my scull with their beaks. I wish I needed to look after a spoilt 2 year old on a sugar high. I would rather have to do any of those things instead of having to ask for help. Is it just me?
So I’ve analysed it and here is what I have so far:
Normally when we don’t want to do something or struggle to bring ourselves to do something it’s because we think it’s going to be bad for us. Here is why we don’t want to ask for help:
Our story: We all have one. Maybe in yours, like in mine, you where praised for being independent and strong as child, or maybe in yours, like in mine, there where seasons where you realised that you needed to be responsible beyond your years because there was no one else to do what needed to be done. Family of origin can influence whether we see letting people in and asking for help as a part of normal life or as a sign of weakness, whether we view not needing anything from anyone as a definition of our value or whether we view needing help from others as being not at all connected to our sense of self. Or we may have been brought up to believe that asking for help is a weakness.
Being told you don’t actually need help: Sometimes when we try to ask for help, the response we get is one of a reframed perspective. Sometimes what we really need is a reframed perspective so yay! But sometimes what we need is help. Like, actual help. Sometimes the person we ask just ends up telling us why we shouldn’t see this as an actual problem, or telling us to just get over it. Sure, we all need a “put your big girl panties on” kinda talk from time to time, but if you’re anything like me, those panties are kinda the only ones you got and so when you do ask for help it’s usually not because you need to “woman up” to something, or because you need a pep talk, it’s because you do actually need help. But these ironically unhelpful responses to us reaching out for assistance can be the thing that keeps us from doing it again in the future.
Fear of being judged: We want to appear to be self reliant and independent. That is the be all and end all and shame on us if we appear to be dropping some balls am I right?
Fear of rejection: I don’t want to ask because what if they say no.
Pride: Pride is insidious and tricky to spot. My husband likes to call pride the “sin behind the sin”. It hides in all kinds of respectable and justifyable places. So let me save you some time and tell you what I figured out:
If I
- am covering up my shortcomings = pride
- feel an offer of help is an insult to my capabilities and it makes me prickly and hard to serve = pride
- am embarrassed and ashamed at being an inconvenience to someone when they offer to help me = pride
Needing helpforces us to admit to our shortcomings and vulnerability and exposes the lie that we have it all together – one we thought all the while everyone believed. Sure, I can call out to the Lord, He already knows I am weak and wobly. But other people don’t. I would like God on my side as my superpower behind the scenes, all the while hoping everyone thinks I am a super mom. You know like when you take all your Le Creuset dishes over to Olivia’s and they put the ready-made food right in there and you present it as your own to your dinner guests! I secretly love it when people say, I don’t know how she does it, voices tinged with awe, but mostly with envy. I know. I’m bad. But I don’t think I’m the only one!
Fear of reciprocity: I have a sibling who literally has a mortal fear of reciprocity. He can think of nothing worse than “ someone doing him a favour” and so he never asks for any. Isn’t it funny how we often measure our relationship interactions almost in an economic way. I think it’s called transactional interdependence. Also, IF we generally say yes too easily and regret it afterwards (in other words do not guard our words and motives) we are hyper aware that someone else might be similarly motivated and don’t want them to be put in that position where they can’t say no. Twisted right? And I think it’s kinda sad for us, as a human race.
Because it’s just hard ok: like I said, maybe not for everyone, but certainly for introverts. It just takes so much energy, all that explaining and answering questions, all that interacting. It seems so overwhelmingly exhausting that I’d just as soon avoid it all together.
We are all adults here, I am not trying to convince you of the benefits of kale or colonoscopies or anything, so let’s just keep this in perspective. What if I told you (and myself) that asking for help is a good thing? What if I told you what you’d be missing out on by refusing to ask for help if you need it?
Here is why it’s good to (learn to/ force yourself to) ask for help:
Because we develop courage: Vulnerability is truly brave and thanks to Brene Brown it’s also the new black. It takes allot of self-awareness and understanding to ask for help. That is not weakness ya’ll. That is courageous. It means we are aware of our strengths and our abilities and where their limits lie. That is why God said to Paul to write this down:
“My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.”
“So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I am weak I sense more deeply the might power of Christ living in me.” (2 Cor 12 v 9 TPT)
Because we develop community: Our recognition of the boundary of our strength in asking for help also means our recognition of the skills and strengths of others. When we ask for help we give someone an opportunity to use their strengths, to collaborate and pool resources with us, resulting in a stronger whole. How often do we say we value authenticity but we are not authentic. Because are we not most authentic when we admit to areas where we need help? Could our strong sense of independence and our preference for pretence be the reason why we struggle to develop significant
community? God wired us to need connection, to need each other. Actually refusing to ask for help stifles community. If we are not good at asking for help, we are likely not great at giving it. This is because we see other people not as they really are, but as we really are, and that drives how we relate to them. If we find our own need for help as unacceptable, we will project that same orientation onto someone else, hardening ourselves against their need the way we’ve hardened ourselves against our own.
Because we all need feedback: Feedback is good. We have to let people in. In his book PEAK, K Anders Ericsson explores the process whereby people gain expertise and become excellent. He proposes that the process of deliberate practice is the key to superior performance and one of the building blocks of deliberate practice is feedback.
Because rejection won’t kill you:I’m serious. When we ask for help and the answer is no, we need to remember that the answer is a no to our question, not a no over us as people. We tend to over personalise rejection way too much, making very”no” a definition of us instead of a response to our request or the outcome of a situation. What if the person we asked didn’t have the resources, whether mental or emotional to assist us? NO is a full sentence and just as much as we need to learn to say it we need to learn to hear it and be ok with it.
Because, reality: I know you are amazing at lots of stuff, in reality you are not amazing at everything IN. THE. WORLD. None of us know everything about everything. You are not Google. And none of us possess every skill in the world. We don’t expect that from other people, why do we expect it from ourselves.
Because, progress: Progress is good. Needing help and being unable to ask for it leaves us stuck – trapped in our own heads. Sometimes that is the one thing that is the blockage to the flow towards resolution or completion, whether the help you need is with a project or a problem. The relief of realising there is help available frees you up towards progress.
I know how hard this is Momma, for me it’s almost paralyzing. But we can’t fully realise our potential in any given calling or area if we refuse to draw on the help God offers us through others, just like limbs in the body need each other. He kinda planned it that way I heard! We not only deprive ourselves, but also others of the blessing and the redemptive work that being in service to each other brings about in us.
God is always working. If God is moving you into accepting a new challenge or opportunity and preparing something in you, could He not also be preparing someone else to assist you? Don’t miss God’s goodness and help because you are relying too much on your own!
Aug 9, 2018 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipleship, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting, Raising boys
I can’t wait to talk to my sons about girls, sex, dating – said no mom ever! I know, I get it. But I once heard a parenting expert explain your child’s understanding of these type of topics as files being opened in the filing cabinet of the brain. The file will be opened, named and will start containing information gleaned from what they hear, see and their environment. By being intentional about these awkward topics, we are in essence taking the initiative to “open the file”, thereby having a chance to input shaping information that is in line with our worldview, convictions, and morality. Every other piece of information that then comes into the “file” get’s tested against the truth that we put in first. Should we remove our intention we give way to the alternative, a view on women, dating, sex, shaped by the barrage of messaging, content and images that the world is consistently producing and offering up.
I didn’t want to write this. Newsflash: Being a boy mom is not dissimilar to being a girl dad. You experience the same fierce protective streak and compulsion to grab a shotgun. However gracious and “live and let live” you may appear you still secretly harbor the conviction that no one will ever be good enough for your offspring. Even if he is currently obsessed with slouchy pants and continues to be amused by his own farts.
So you can imagine my reticence when The Elder returned from Holiday Club with a hand full of notes secretly passed (some things never change). He had an expression somewhere between bemused and confused on his face as he read me a note from one girl who asked to wear his beanie, another his jacket. When I asked “what do you think about that son?” and he said “I guess they like my clothes?” Ummm, I realized I had some work to do in helping him work out how he should respond. Because how he respond doesn’t just affect him, but as he is being shaped by this interaction so are the girls he is interacting with, all of them at an age that is forming the neural pathways and emotional understanding of those interactions for years to come. Yes, we have ticked the boxes on the body and sex conversations. But this blog is about the fuzzy stuff. The stuff I want him to keep in mind as my son, as someones’ future boyfriend, as someone’s future husband. So here is what I told The Elder about girls…so far….
Be honourable – Every night before my boys go to sleep I say to each of them: “You are my treasure”. And so I have told The Elder that he must remember that when he is interacting with a girl, she is also someone’s treasure too, her mom’s, her dad’s, and God’s. And all treasure must be seen as precious and must be handled with care. Every person we encounter is an image bearer.
Be kind – “respond to girls in a way that protects them and protects you”. My son is 11, an age where possibly there is a disconnect between the feelings he has and his ability to express them. So arming him with “scripts” that enables confident responses that are also kind is how we have chosen to help him. For example: “ I am too young to have a romantic relationship, but I would enjoy getting to know you as a friend. “ or “I am too young to have a girlfriend, but I know how to be a good friend so let’s do that instead.”
Be a gentleman – Even as a 40-year-old woman, I can still recall valentines day slights, offhand comments that I shouldn’t have heard, boys being insensitive boys, all of these things I remember from being an insecure pre-teen girl. So if I am going to be the mom of a pre-teen boy, maybe I can spare some girl having similar, shaping, sore memories. My boys don’t have sisters, but they have 3 girl cousins, and a slew of friends who are like family, so when I tell them to treat every girl like she is Lila, Isabel, Jua, Hannah, Sophia or Ava, Pia or Sienna, they get it (please Lord Jesus, I hope they get it!). I take pains to help them make sure the little girls in the class that the boys know might not get anything for Valentine’s day gets something, albeit anonymously. I (try) to keep sexist joking and name calling out of the house and discourage them (strongly) from participating in it at school.
In a world of man-bashing (mostly rightly so) we as boy moms should try to encourage positive masculinity and chivalrous behaviour that has nothing to do with long-dead ideas about men and women, but has everything to do with very much alive #everybodyalways #kindnessalways thinking and the golden rule of putting others first that helps our boys to shine a light in the world.
Be careful – puberty and its company of feelings and hormones are hard to manage. And in the right (and by that I mean the wrong) situation, it can be like a car rolling down a hill, i. e hard to stop. Encountering attraction and trying to understand it is tricky for boys, so sound advise for this life stage is to stay in a group. “Don’t put yourself in a compromising position!” For now we steer clear of concepts like “dating” or “going out” until a more appropriate age.
Be aware – “Not only are you as a boy going to be dealing with your own growing awareness of the opposite sex, but you will also be dealing with girls who are going through the same thing.” In every person, the outside is most often a reflection of what is going on on the inside. So I told my son than when he encounters a girl who seems like she is overly desperate for male attention (albeit via what she wears or how she acts), give her a wide birth and keep a careful but kind distance. There are possibly things going on in her heart/life that you can’t help her with and that your attention is not the answer to.
Yes, the pre-teen and adolescent path is a messy meander of navigating confusing, overwhelming thoughts and feelings. However unpopular it might be, that’s where we as parents come in.
Make peace with the fact that you are going to be the good guy in your movie and the weird guy in theirs (there will be allot of “Awww Mom ! Gross ! I don’t want to talk about this with you!”), and launch as deeply as you can and as quickly as you can into the “girls” conversation. Yes, if you are a boy mom, leave the sex convo to the father/ father figure in your boys’ life. But when it comes to the emotive stuff, remember what it was like for you when you were a girl and use that as a jump-off point to help your boy be the kind of boy your 10-13-year-old self would’ve wanted to encounter.
Jul 27, 2018 | Balance, Bible, Christianity, Discipleship, Faith, God, Grace
Do you sometimes just feel a bit “at sea” spiritually? We might be calling out to God for a particular answer or wisdom in a situation, but the answer or way forward seems hidden or unclear. We might be in a season of waiting where we desire to experience God’s comfort, but we come up empty. We might be desperate to see God move in our lives but our spiritual vision seems dim, our hearts a bit disconnected. Like a fuzzy spot in our vision, a dirty blemish on the horizon of our faith experience, we just feel like somethings missing.. like we can’t see the full picture…do you know this feeling Momma? It’s like being at the bottom end of the line up in a game of broken telephone.
Last week my morning coffee was interrupted by a whale sighting. “Fetch the binocs” I yelled, and I fumbled with them as I kept my eyes on the exact spot where I had just seen the glorious breach! But as I was peering intently there was a fuzzy bothersome black spot in my eye line. An eyelash? Are these binocs broken? No amount of adjusting that little knobby in the middle (yes, ok, I do not know the names of the parts of a set of binoculars! And if I did I would only confess it to someone with one of those “I brake for birds” stickers on their cars!) brought the precious whale into focus. And just as I decided to make peace with the fact that my vision won’t be clear because I am a binocs idiot, The Elder pointed out (in the tone of voice that you’d expect from an 11-year-old) that one of the lenses still had the lens cap on it. #facepalm
Suddenly it all made sense, the black fuzzy dot was gone, and I feasted on an amazing display of a very playful Southern Right Whale! I felt invigorated, in awe, inspired, like I was just let into God’s inner circle. Something I won’t soon forget.
There are a few things that can “cover the lens cap” of our vision, bringing blurriness and fuzzy lines to our journey with Jesus.
- Frustration: Sounds like a small thing? It was big enough for Moses to miss his entire calling and promised land! We have God’s peace and we must guard it and guard against frustration that disables our ability to wait on God, hear from God, see God at work as we walk in step with the Spirit. If you’re wondering if you have frustration in your life try to “hear” if you are complaining more than usual and how often you use your hooter in the traffic. Life is frustrating, so are people. But our peace is precious and we must guard it, even at the end of a long day or in rush hour traffic.
- Wrong motives: Acts chapter 8 tells the story of Simon, who desired the things of God for his own benefit. Wisdom to be on display, God’s divine hand on his works to gain popularity. Do I desire the things of God for the sake of my own glory or His? Do I ask for wisdom out of my own poverty or for the sake of my own vanity?
- Envy, jealousy, comparison: A vicious distraction of our time, that steals our effectiveness, our calling, and our joy. It sets us against others emotionally, unable to rejoice or weep with them, encourage or comfort them, it disrupts unity and community and our inner peace and rhythm as well. I would go as far as to say this: Our propensity for comparison is a “pattern of this world” that we are unwittingly conforming too, thereby disabling our ability to discern (see clearly) the will of God. (Rom 12 v 2). How much more clear perspective would you have on yourself, your path, your journey if you stopped comparing it to the girl next to you?
- Fear: There is only place in our lives for a reverential fear of the Lord. But sometimes we fear the future, people’s opinions, failure, suffering, uncertainty and it clouds our perspective. In a sense what you fear becomes your god, instead of God. When we live with a holy fear of the Lord, our path and perspective is clarified (Ps 25 v 12- 13)
- Unforgiveness: I know this is a no-brainer, but I also know first hand this is by far the hardest. This is what I preach to myself and to others when it comes to forgiveness: Forgiveness is accepting the apology you will never receive. And if God holds nothing against me thanks to Jesus, why should I hold something against someone else?
- Bitterness: Stored up anger, resentment about bygone hurts or unjust treatment, once these take root in our hearts it can parasitically strangle all other growth in our lives, crack our foundation, suffocate the Breath of Life meant to oxygenate our fruit-bearing right out of us. Like with any weed the answer it to definitively and decisively pluck it out. Go back to point (5) Learn to let go. Walk (away) towards clarity.
Proverbs 29 v 18 tells us that when there is no vision, no revelation of God or His word, we can quickly find ourselves on a wrong path or a slippery slope. I heard it said once that dissatisfaction and discouragement are not caused by the absence of things but the absence of vision. With impaired vision, we can easily become distracted by short-term, shallow things and ideas and lose sight of God’s call on our lives and the meaningful and purposeful life He has for us. A clear vision helps us understand the purposes of our trials, so the devil wants nothing more than to keep our “spiritual sight” dim so our faith can be diminished instead of strengthened when trials come.
If one of these spots have found its way onto your life lense, I pray that you will:
Find time to reflect and look inward so that you can again look out outward with a more accurate perspective
That you would both repent (if you need to) and let go (if you need to) so that you can grasp a new revelation of how much God loves you. Fresh grace comes more fully into hands that are empty
May that once again bring the wide horizon of God’s love into clear view.
Jun 8, 2018 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Parenting
When did ordinary become a bad word? Was it when social media started making even a grilled-cheese-sandwich dinner look “extra”ordinary? (Thank you Amaro filter!) Instagram feeds full of “Don’t let average describe your life” #mondaymotivation has all of us drinking the cool-aid, and unwittingly buying into a side order of perpetual dissatisfaction with it! Is that not why we have a generation of unmotivated, deeply depressed millennials? Simon Sinek (you’ve seen the Youtube video right?) describes millennials as people who want to make an impact, but who want to reach the summit of impact without climbing the mountain required to reach it (a problem by the way, that he lays squarely at the feet of failed parenting strategies. That and unfettered access to technology. Ouch!). I for one think the argument is legit. Because ask anyone, ask Steve Jobs, ask Billy Graham or whoever you view as someone who has done something extraordinary and they will tell you that 99.9% of the steps taken to reach anywhere or anything extraordinary in life are unbelievably ordinary.
So this is what I told my boys about being ordinary…
That it takes courage to be ordinary: If you asked my kids what my husband has achieved in his life, they are likely to be vague about the longevity of his business and his acumen on a mountain bike and with a calculator. But they will be able to tell you in detail about the after work ping-pong matches, the daily swimming pool maintenance and the conversations around the dinner table that their dad was present for. Sure, it’s an ordinary middle-class life but I can tell you right now, that there is nothing ordinary about dads going home daily and diligently to see their families instead of staying late for just a few more emails or just another drink. Nothing ordinary about saying yes to cleaning the pool or killing the spider or hanging the picture on a Saturday and no to becoming better at golf or entering Ironman or whatever other bucket list item will take them away from their families for more hours. Those are the thousand small deny-thyself moments that declares something about where someone’s heart is at. Ordinary is hard because it’s unseen, un “post” worthy, unremarkable. Like the laundry pile and the admin file and the go the extra mile of any messy mom life!
Ordinary is all the seeds of surrender and submission and all the hard and unpopular
choices that build a life God rewards. There is nothing ordinary about faithfulness. It might not be glamorous but is sure is rare.
That we shouldn’t value achievement over discipline: My kids have the amazing privilege of having world record holder Peter Williams as a swimming coach. At our recent club awards ceremony, we were struck by the fact that swimmers received recognition both for points scored/records broken in races and for characteristics and attitudes displayed during training. It spoke to their coach’s conviction that coaches are daily called to the deep purpose of character building and that they are doing more than preparing kids for races, they are in a thousand laps and a thousand ways preparing kids for life. Because the truth is that how you train builds your character, and how you win tests that character.
It’s not what we do once in a while that shapes us, its the consistent habits and behaviors of every day. Having goals is great, but who will you become on the way? Saul had many achievements, but David was a man after God’s own heart. The loud flash of achievement might be what the world honours, but the small daily grind of discipline and service is what God’ honours. If my kids won every medal out there but did not have love or the guts to show up for the everyday ordinary of their own lives, I couldn’t be more of a failure as a parent!
Everyone wants to be special, shine in a moment. But the truth is that it’s the mosaic of unremarkable events that make up days and years that end up making a person.
That obscurity is not the enemy: We live in a world where the humblebrag has been cultivated into a fine art, with everything from how many books we read to how well we rode or ran a portion on Strava (even if we stuck to our Bible reading plan) being broadcast to the world. My kids know that a portion of my day job deals with industries built on celebrity and fame. And it’s normal for kids of a certain age and stage to gravitate towards careers and talents that would get them noticed, like playing a sport for your country or gaining recognition as a musician (both ideas that I actively, maybe obsessively discourage. And no I don’t feel guilty about it. I flipped that switch years ago).
I have noticed that as parents we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to get our kids to aim for a definition of special that has been shaped by the world. Instead I hope to show them that God makes us all in a very particular way to tell His story to the world, and this has nothing to do with fame and celebrity. Every pot for a purpose (2 Tim 2 v 20)! Some people are charismatic leaders who bring out the best in others. But it takes equal if not more courage to be ordinary and do the ordinary things and respond to the most ordinary of callings with extraordinary passion.
If we can guard against comparison and a world-shaped-view of value and worth we will stop being so uncomfortable with obscurity.
That each day counts, not just the big days: The message of Scripture is not that only the big days, big things, big people count.
“So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.” Rom 12 v 1-2 MSG
God calls us to number all of our days (Ps 90 v 12), even if they are not stand-out, red letter days. Because He knows, you are what you repeatedly do. He knows, the ordinary is where the true story lies, where the true you is crafted and revealed.
“The only way to live a truly remarkable life is not to get everyone to notice you but to leave noticeable marks of his love everywhere you go- Anne Voskamp.
Wise people know that their present will one day be their past and it will show up in their future. This is why the Apostle Paul calls us to “ redeem the time” (Eph 5 v 16). A quiet, ordinary life, unknown to the world, can still be one of much fruitfulness and joy to God. That fruitfulness grows in the realisation that nothing God does in our lives is ever wasted. Most of the time we don’t have to be awesome, we just have to be obedient.
Mar 19, 2018 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipleship, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting, Tips, Toddlers
There are more than 3 things. Obviously. Like, that a certain time of the day – the time that was previously referred to as happy hour – would now be referred to as unhappy hour. And that someone else’s bathroom, sleeping and eating habits would be dominating my conversations for the foreseeable future (and that I would see absolutely nothing wrong with that!). While I was pregnant with my firstborn, I read all the books. I knew about sleep training and pureed organic veggies. But there where soul challenges that I was about to encounter on my journey into parenthood that no one ever told me about.
(This blog is an abbreviated version of a talk called The 10 things I wish someone had told me about being a Mom – for more info on booking a talk or workshop please click here)
I have only been a mom for 11 years. According to Malcolm Gladwell that makes me an expert. But he’s wrong. I am categorically not one! But let’s face it, as moms, we really just need all the help we can get, and if you are reading this that means you agree with me on one thing – This parenting thing is flat out hard! It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve done and I grew up with 3 brothers and I am South African and I’ve competed in an International Beauty pageant! I will take on 12 competitive blonds with perfect teeth over an 11-year-old boy on a mission any day of the week!
So here are a few thing that I wish someone had given me a heads up about:
THAT IT WOULD SHAKE THE FOUNDATIONS OF MY IDENTITY AS A PERSON:
When I became a stay at home mom, I dreaded the “So, what do you do?” Question in social settings. I felt unjustified telling people I was a stay-at-home mom. It used to be so easy to talk about the career I was so proud of, and the awkwardness I felt at this new role in my life made me realize how much of my worth and identity I found in what I did for a living.
Woman are meaning makers and meaning-seekers, and when we become moms no one highlights to us the risk that we may now exchange one wrong source of meaning and identity for another. That we may very well go from being defined by our work an achievements to being defined by our home and our kids (and their achievements). That we may go from performance reviews and bonuses to the bar for our lives being Proverbs 31 (oh my goodness can you even imagine!) and the definition of our worth as our kids and their achievements! Can you imagine living under the pressure of having the justify your mom’s entire existence with every school report, or good night’s sleep! Is it any wonder even our kids our stressed!
But God never intended for us to bank our identity on the role of a dice, on the changing landscape of our roles or our seasons. Because then every word spoken in criticism of that becomes the definition of who we are, then our (absolutely inevitable) mistakes and failures (and that of our kids) are not learning opportunities or life happening, but a declaration of who we are, failures, as moms, as people. No, God’s anchor for our identity is the unchanging conviction that He holds about us, and His unalterable word over us.
Because the gospel says that we are who we are not because of what we do or achieve but because of what Christ did and achieved.
When we are in Christ, that is the final word over us.
Then our mistakes or failings will never be the defining story of our lives because grace means that we have never really blown it.
Then all that ever needed to be achieved is finished and that is a work us moms can rest in, not strive for.
Then whatever our accomplishments, achievements, and successes become a reflection of His grace and glory in our lives.
Living this truth as the anchor of who we are testifies much more greatly to our kids than striving for achievement!
THAT WE ALL LIVE BY A DEFINITION OF SUCCESS, WHETHER WE KNOW IT OR NOT
When my eldest was in Gr R they once filled in one of those cute forms for Mothers day, they go something like this:
My moms name is ___________
Her favourite Color is _______________
Together we like to _______________
But it was my son’s answer to one question that really stopped me in my tracks, literally. Where it said My mom says (Fill in the blank) a lot, he wrote HURRY UP. Jip, it was right there in black and white, “My moms says hurry up allot”.
As a mom, I defined how good the day was by how much I had gotten done. For me, productivity has always been the ultimate measure of success. Don’t be lazy, don’t slow down, do do do, go go go! If at the end of the day, the To Do list had lots of little red tick marks on it, then it was a good day. Conversely, if a kid got sick or the car broke down or I locked myself out of the house (jip, it’s happened!) then, the day, and by definition, I – was a failure.
Whether we know it or not, our definition of success, what we deem to be the ultimate measure of “good and enough” in our lives, is what drives our decision making, what we say yer or not to, what our schedule looks like (and our kids schedules) how we spend our money and our time. Comfort, status, being liked, all of these things could be our definition of success, the thing that cracks the whip in our lives so to speak, without us even knowing it.
The challenging thing about becoming a parent is that you are no longer preaching the sermon, you are living it, and they are watching.
So I had to ask myself, what am I reflecting to my boys about what I believe true success is, and I was forced to come up with a new definition of success.
So let me ask you this. If someone were to look at your life, your schedule and your bank account, what do you think they would say your definition of success was? Because it’s this definition that is messaging to our kids what we deem to be most important.
THAT THE DAYS ARE LONG BUT THE YEARS ARE SHORT
I didn’t say this, but since I heard it I tell everyone. Because I wish someone had told me!
Because we kind of all journey through life the way kids journey to the coast, always asking “Are we there yet”. In Highschool we just want to finnish and be a grownup, at Varsity we just want a real job and be independent, when we start out work we just want to reach the top and earn money and success, when we are dating we just want to get married, when we get married we just want to have kids, and then when we have kids and the shole adulting and parenting thing is suddenly very real and very scary and if we are honest, something that we would sometimes very much like to run away from! we’re like, oh my word this is so not fun! And we look longingly at older couples with older kids sitting placidly at restaurants enjoying a quiet meal (while our toddler picks gum up off the floor under the table and we are wondering if there is a changing station in the restrooms!) and we ask ourselves, when is this going to be over?
But now that my boys are 9 and 11, I can’t help but wonder, did I make the most of that time, those tough, early years? DID I see it as a shaping, refining, satisfying blessing God intends it to be or was I just white-knuckling it to get it over with!
Embrace the discipline of the moment instead of the distraction of your iPhone. God has given our children to us so we can teach them, but I have learned more and more, that He has also given them to us to teach us!
Embrace the mundane of the menial so you can find it’s meaning. Because wisdom is a treasure
Be present with your kids so you can make Christ present with them, because in every circumstance we are His witnesses, testifying to our kids what it means to follow Him in every circumstance.
Running on empty – that is how I sometimes feel as a mom. I get to the end of the day and feel like I have nothing left, like in every area, with every offering, I am lacking. Ok, so be honest, sometimes I also feel like that at the beginning of the day. Like my only hope is to just try harder, like trying harder is my slogan, my motto, my anchor. Like I am starting off from a place of lack. But that’s a lie. According to the God’s word, I have a promise not of lack, but of abundance! A promise that says I will be equipped for the Godly work of mothering with more than what I need, “that He is able to make every grace overflow, abound to us, so that in every way – always having everything we need – we can excel in excel in every good work” (2 Cor 9 v 8)
And is that not what we are busy with as moms? The good word, the work of raising the next generation of Christ followers (please
Lord!), the work of raising someones’ future husband or wife! It is the abundance for thís that Paul employs the Greek word Perisseuo for, to describe just how much grace we will receive – grace in excess, beyond average, to surpass/ overflow/ have leftover! And with every sunrise, it’s new, there’s more! Yes, please!
Make extravagant grace your slogan Momma, your motto, your anchor! I am praying for you!
Feb 27, 2018 | Bible, Christianity, Discipleship, Discipline, Faith, God, Grace, Prayer, Tips
(or lost or frazzled or disorganized or distracted or overwhelmed..basically, if you’re a modern-day woman)
I get it!
I am fairly confident that if you are reading this, you have a strong cerebral conviction that you MUST pray. Prayer is good. But sometimes you find yourself in a season where your prayers are trite, one-way conversations that sound allot like shopping lists and allot the same and that happen in the car or in the few minutes before you go to sleep. Or you find yourself disillusioned by a season of pleading desperation that didn’t actually “work”, and didn’t make you feel any more connected to God. Can I get a witness? I know what it’s like to suffer from distraction, frustration, lack of urgency, discipline and motivation in my prayer life. I have had to claw my way back into better habits and rhythms only to fall back into losing prayer in the blur of countless stressful days strung together. So here are some tips, from one struggling, distracted woman to another:
Determine your why: We have a ping pong table at home. It’s become a great opportunity for quality time between my husband and our boys. But my husband, God bless him, once made the fatal error of offering one of our boys a reward if he beat his dad at a heated game of ping pong. This, sadly, set a precedent whereby our son would only play when there was going to be a reward at the end. What my good husband was after, was quality time with his son. What my son was after, was a reward. It came to a point when I had to ask him a tough question: “do you spend time with Dad because of who he is to you or because of what he can give to you?”
Sometimes this is what our relationship with God is like. And this can be most evident in our prayer life.
There is no point in my starting off by saying “You must pray” if you’ve lost your “reason why”. And if you have lost your reason why, ultimately all I can tell you, is that our prayer life (or lack thereof) will reflect what we truly believe about God (eish, I know, truth bomb right!), whether we seek Him out because we have realised that in Him we live and breathe and have our being (Acts 17 v 28). Or whether we only hang out with Him if we can get something/ need something out of it. So first start off not by asking yourself, why don’t I pray, but asking yourself, what do I believe about who God really is?
Direct your thoughts and words: I have confessed before that my brain is always going in a thousand directions at once. I am like a laptop with too many tabs open. That is why “getting in the zone” to pray is hard for me. I also sometimes battle with praising and even thanksgiving beyond the tired, thoughtless phrases that I’ve so overused, and I’ve battled to find the words to pray for the people I love in a more directed, focused way.
In here I write down scriptures, promises to pray for them, affirmations and praises to help me fix my mind on God.
So go on honey, head out to Typo, I am giving you permission to indulge your stationery fetish. Call it an investment in your prayer life. Buy something that can lie open in your hand (that is why I use ring-bound notebooks), that you can easily and quickly add to. I have found that without a firm foundation in scripture, my prayers are just like shopping lists. On the other hand, God’s Word is like a prayer vocabulary and when we use it to shape our prayer language (so to speak), prayer becomes a deep, rich, two-way experience, instead of a one-way list of requests. And having something written down to pray through, for me, is a concrete move against my own internal noise which I battle to quiet down.
One of the purposes of prayer is that it aligns us with God’s thoughts and desires, and when we pray scripture we have the opportunity to internalize His very character and for our daily life to be framed by it.
Actually writing down your prayers is also a way of staying focused during your prayer times. Even if you just have 5 minutes, use them to journal your prayers, giving substance and depth to even the shortest bite of time you are spending with God and inviting Him into your world.
“Don’t just read the Bible. Start circling the promises. Don’t just make a wish. Write down a list of God-Glorifying life goals. Don’t just pray. Keep a prayer journal. Define your dream. Claim your promise. Spell your miracle.” Mark Batterson – The circle maker.
Dedicate time: I know that many of you are in a life stage where even a simple quiet time is a challenge, much less dedicated time to pray (
are you a young mom? Check this out) I am not saying there is anything wrong with praying in the car, or praying when you make the beds – we are supposed to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thes 5 v 16)! But when I am talking to my husband while driving to an event we might be
talking, but we are not necessarily
connecting, right? It wouldn’t be considered “
building intimacy”, right? To build connection you need to be fully
present. To build intimacy you need to take
time – ask any husband who has tried to rush it an failed! And so in my marriage, I may not be able to dedicate time and resources to a full-on date night, but we can sit down and have a cup of coffee, be present for and with one another and listen/ talk for as long as a cup of coffee takes. And if you are in a busy and distracting season and it’s all you have, believe me, that is all it takes: 15 minutes in which connection is rekindled, in which time is given to sharing and listening, and we find ourselves walking away anchored in, steadied, heard, connected. So set it out in your mind for your coffee break at work, or the quick lunch you grab before fetching the kids. Put your phone away as you sip that coffee, and instead of being filled with the highlight real of someone else’s fake life (yes, I know you’re are scrolling Facebook when you’re waiting for the kettle to boil!) , open up your prayer book or journal if you have one, and allow yourself a few moments to be present with God and to be filled with the real sustenance of the gift of rest.
Dump Perfect: in fact, apply this across the board to every area of your life! We often approach the disciplines of our spiritual life (devotions, prayer, fasting etc) the same way we approach diets, fatalistically. We go at full tilt, knuckling down for a time, until we fall off the wagon (thanks Cinnabon!) and then, instead of saying, “aww man, I shouldn’t have eaten that whole thing, but ok, I am picking up where I left off”, we say;”Aww man, this day (weekend/ week) is a write-off, I am giving in and I will start again on Monday!” In our spiritual life, we have this set idea that our interactions with God should look a certain way, take a certain shape and amount of time, make us feel x,y or z, and if we can’t have/ do that, we might as well not even attempt anything. And in that we lose our unction, we lose sight of the importance of the spiritual realm and its impact and then we wonder why we feel like our prayers hit the ceiling. I love the saying: “perfect is the enemy of done”. Because surely a simple, sincere prayer uttered in a moment of awe, understanding, desperation, is better than a perfectly crafted doxology left unspoken?
“If in prayer I come before a throne of grace, the faults of my prayer will be overlooked.” Charles Spurgeon
Dare to be honest: I hope you also have a group of friends in your life where you know you can be your authentic, uncensored self. Friends who love you in such a way that they don’t make you feel like your too much, or not enough, for whom you don’t need to dumb down or dress up any part of yourself in order to feel at home. I am blessed to have a few like that. And if I compare how I feel when I am around them with how I feel when I am around people in front of whom I can’t be myself, I know who I would rather hang out with, and I appreciate the authenticity of those relationships all the more. It’s no different with God. We are bound to seek Him out all the more if we experience the truth about His loving character and nature to us if we enter in with a conviction of His grace. We are bound to avoid Him if we have allowed the burden of sin and shame to pile up like dirty dishes in our soul, bound to skirt formally around Him if our picture of Him has become affected by half-truths and earthly wisdom and religiosity.
You have permission to be unhappy before God, desperate, ungrateful even, superficially joyful, just plain you.
Just take a stab at praying through the Psalms if you don’t believe me.
In Genesis Hagar refers to God as El Roi, as she experiences God as One who truly sees her in a world where she feels utterly unseen. You are seen darling, and loved, chosen, sought out not just despite of who you are, but because of it. That is the God we draw near to when we draw near in prayer.
Can I encourage you in whatever season you find yourself, to make small shifts in your schedule and perspective to have your daily life transformed by prayer?
“To pray is to change. All who have walked with God have viewed prayer as the main business of their lives. For those explorers in the frontiers of faith, prayer was no little habit tacked onto the periphery of their lives, it was their life. It was the most serious work of their most productive years. Nothing draws us closer to the heart of God. “ Richard Foster
Nov 8, 2017 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipleship, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting
“What about my quiet times?”
Three times in the last 2 weeks. That’s how many times I was asked this question by moms of young children. That’s how I knew it was a thing. That’s also how I knew I must be old!
How do you keep growing with God when you are in the throws of the not-sleeping, always-feeding-burping-changing-or running-after, why-must-they-get-up-at-5AM-on-Saturdays madness of those early years with kids?
It’s not as complicated as you think:
Raise your expectations of God and lower your expectations of yourself!
Because what would your life, your walk with Jesus look like if you expected to see God every day all day any time of day, and you got rid of the expectations of what your walk with Him is supposed to look like (which very often mostly depends on things you do)? What if you placed all your expectations on the promise of His nearness in this season of your life, instead of placing it on your own ability to carve out 60 precious quiet, uninterrupted minutes. The dichotomy is that nothing will test the fiber of your faith like being a mom, and yet in that season you are relegated to noisy cry-rooms listening to half of a sermon and you can barely carve out time to wash your hair much less wash your spirit in a solid daily quiet time. You can barely go to the bathroom alone, much less have alone time with Jesus. And there you are in a season where you need Jesus more than ever!
The good news is that I have some points that may encourage you. In other good news, I will keep it short. For obvious reasons! There is a way that we can journey with God and grow in our faith in the challenging season of early parenthood if we can just let go of the idea of that we have in our head that it’s all supposed to look a certain way. So..
Let God do what God does: Too often in life, we have a very high expectation of ourselves and actually a very low expectation of God. You can hear it in the way we pray. The way we are always asking Him to help us do things and how seldom we just ask Him to do them. He is still on the throne, even if you feel you might have lost the plot.
Do your best but don’t trust your best. Instead see parenting for what it really is – the biggest trust exercise you will ever complete and your biggest ever leap of faith! Trust God.
Let the Word do what the Word does: It’s sharper than a two-edged sword (Heb 4 v 12) and it never returns void (Is 55 v 11). When your days are long and your attention span is short, take one verse, or maybe 2 (on the days that kid slept through the night). Write it on a cue card (I use these all the time) and give yourself time to memorize it. Read it in the morning when you wake up and just before you go to sleep, meditate on it as you make dinner, sink into it as you stand at the sink, keep a card in your car and next to the feeding chair or the changing station, pray it over yourself and over your kids. Let it do something in you, instead of you trying to do something with it! Oh and listen, I love me a good ‘ole girlfriend devotional any day of the week, and of course there is a season for that, but I really believe that in the long run 2nd hand conviction won’t carry us. Each of us is responsible to get into the Word for ourselves. And the year that you have that first or second or third baby is NOT the year that you also read through the bible. Just let that go ok! Take a bite-size, chew on it for a couple of days. See what happens.
Let worship do what worship does: Do you worship in your home, or do you leave that for Sundays? Worshipping God is a powerful thing. Whether you are blasting Hillsong at full force or simply out-loud-my-neighbors-think-I’m-crazy speaking gratitude and praise to God (ascribing to Him the Glory due to His name alla David style in Psalm 29v2) as you pack the lunchboxes; there is power and authority in the act. The act of worship draws our eyes upwards and our hearts closer to God as we see Him more clearly and ourselves more clearly. Be intentional about bringing worship into your home and creating a spiritual atmosphere that can influence your spirit and help you draw near to God when the slog of parenting leaves you parched for intimacy with Him. It will do you good. It will do your children good.
We end up walking around with this huge expectation that we as moms are somehow letting our faith “slip” and we really should just “try harder or get up earlier” with some pinterest perfect spirituality when in fact there is no better time than when you first become a mom for you to realise that
weak is the new strong and that the whole parenting deal doesn’t rise and fall on your ability to parent but on your ability to trust God MORE.
AW Tozer says that it is in the nature of God to speak, He is never silent, and the one who doesn’t expect to hear God speak will discount what He says. Soooooo, higher expectation of God, lower expectation of self. Do you know what you need for the chaos and the fears and the battles of parenting (no, of LIFE!)? You need songs and prayers! And the Bible is full of both! And all the sisters said: AMEN!
Oct 30, 2017 | Bible, Children, Church, Faith, Family, God, Parenting, Toddlers |
I wasn’t too keen on writing this post. It was actually a request from a friend. I usually try to steer away from very polarizing content, and you would think that as South Africans, Halloween wouldn’t even be on the radar. But on TV and in the media, in shopping malls and at schools it’s a thing (mostly because money is a thing, am I right?)! Sometimes we humans are just such suckers!
So please, if you read this, this is not an indictment on anyone’s culture or traditions. It’s one mom’s directive to her boys to navigate a difficult, complicated and often dark world in God’s light. Mostly I’m just winging it, seriously, I am no expert on anything! If you have been to this blog before, you know that I only really have one message, and that is Jesus. So if that’s not your vibe, this is not a blog for you. No offense meant, and none taken, I promise! One of the biggest hallmarks of maturity is the ability to agree to disagree and still be kind about it.
Here is how it went down at our house. At the Browns, our definition of truth is God’s opinion about everything. And so in a lot of ways that makes even complex situations and decisions simple. Even if the Bible doesn’t outright tell us about something by name, it provides principles that appear again and again throughout that guide us in making good decisions. Such as:
Kids are spiritual beings (Jer 1 v 5): From a young age I wanted to remain aware of the fact that my kids are spiritual beings and that I should treat them as such. Don’t think because your little one is too young to understand a situation that their spirit doesn’t have insight. When The Elder was 4 I took him to a bookshop and pulled down a handful of books off the shelves in the children’s section. I told him that we can sense light and darkness by the way certain settings, images, places and people make us feel and I tested it by showing him different book covers and asking him if this makes him feel “light” or “dark”. He was very easily able to tell the difference and it was one of the first ways I used to introduce the kids the idea that they have the ability inside them to spiritually discern things. I didn’t have to teach him, he was able to sense it. This has been the basis for many discussions since, and I continue to pray that my sons will always know when something doesn’t feel right or look right and that they would be able to listen to those spiritual promptings. And we try to consistently teach them to be careful what they expose themselves to.
And we live in a spiritual world (Eph 2 v 1-10) where there are consistently 2 forces at play, good and evil. The world is filled with goodness from God and evil from Satan. That is the reality. But I don’t feel that it is enough or even right to just say to my kids, no and avoid and don’t when it comes to this kind of thing! That doesn’t seem brave nor productive. Thank goodness thanks to a Bible-believing Christian community and church we have alternatives that we can expose our kids to on days like Halloween, that respond to the celebration of evil and darkness with an intentional celebration on all that is positive and uplifting and evil overcoming!
Thank goodness there remains more in this world to be brave about – chiefly thanks to the fact the Jesus wins! Thank goodness good is still worth a party too!
Every newscast of every day feels like a hailing of the darkness in our world – do we really need a day set aside for more darkness when the light we have is so worthy of celebration? Because we are not called to hide, we are called to honour the truth that is inside of each of us, that Jesus has overcome evil (1 John 4 v 4), making us overcomers also!
We are called to walk in the Light (1 John 1 v 5-7): That is our calling as believers, a calling to walk where Jesus is, where the light is.
This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.
And called to keep away from the works of darkness (Eph 5 v 11). If a 4-year-old can discern the differents between works of darkness and things of the light, you don’t need a theology degree to work out that things relating to sorcery, witchcraft,wicca (for whom Halloween is a high and holy day – for real!) paganism, wizardry, death, ghosts, demons, zombies, spells, soothsaying, star-signs etc are an abomination to God. You just need to be able to read.
Christianity is counter-cultural (1 John 2 v 15-16): A faith of countercultural virtues, like patience and meekness and hope, that is the one we profess. And as believers, we must continue to be bold in opposing that which is out of step with the Gospel (Gal 2 v 19 – 20). When it comes to choosing video games, books, TV programs, movies pastimes, clothes, whatever, I often see how hard it is for the boys to accept that something different guides our life and our choices. I get that! I get that it’s hard! But the other thing I always tell the boys, is that conviction and comfort don’t live on the same street, and I would rather they, very early on, get used to the fact that everyone isn’t the same, don’t choose the same, don’t live the same way and learn to be ok with being different in that way. How do you think I’ve been getting away with them not having iPads for this long?
If you want a religion to make you feel comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity – CS Lewis
If the roots are bad, the fruits are bad (Matt 7 v 18). Thank goodness you only have to walk out into nature to explain this even to a toddler. Based on this principle we don’t involve our kids with things that find their roots in the occult, wizardry, eastern mysticism, or other religions. So no yoga, no martial arts, and no Harry Potter here and yes, no Halloween. And yes, I know, we are weird like that.
Did you know that I wrote a book about this and other topics, from culture to current affairs, from faith to friendship, to help you have gospel lead and Bible based conversations with your kids? Check it out here!
And Momma, don’t underestimate the spirit that is alive in your child, regardless of age. I know it’s heavy stuff, but I can’t help but think we are in that age that Isaiah was talking about when he said in Is 5 v 20 – 21:Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil, who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness, who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter. Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes, and clever in their own sight! Just because our kids are young let’s not call things innocent that are not innocent. I cannot pray for God’s protection over my boys on one hand and knowingly compromise my child s spirit on the other.
Let’s continue to pray for the grace and the wisdom to raise kids that are wise about what is good and innocent about what is evil (Rom 16 v19), and let’s continue to be brave together!
Sep 27, 2017 | Activism, Bible, Children, Christianity, Faith, Family, Parenting, Tips
I received so much reaction to last week’s post about how to help our kids deal with rejection, with an outcry for practical, biblical tools around bullying. Spoiler: I don’t think I have any! So today I am sharing from an evolving conversation that I have been having with my boys for the past 5 years. It’s truly been a challenge for me as a mom and believer to mine out the truth of how I believe my kids should respond to bullying in amongst the pop psychology, masses of content and school presentations on the topic. What makes it harder is that it’s, of course, tricky, especially with younger kids, to really get the full story of a particular incident. And the label of bullying is nowadays applied to things our parents would have just told us to (wo)man up about, like teasing or mocking or baiting or gossip.
Because it’s hard to be a kid nowadays, it’s also hard to be a parent!
In these ongoing conversations with my boys, my aim is practical, biblical advice that would equip them not only to function well in the conditions of social tyranny present (sadly I don’t even know what else to call it!) in our schools today (no school is exempt, I don’t care how fancy it might be or even what country it’s in!), and to be arming them with the confidence to live up to God’s expectations of them in those settings. This applies both to instances where they might be bullied or where they see someone else being bullied.
IF THEY SEE BULLYING AT SCHOOL:
Look for opportunities to do good:
“See to it that no one repays evil for evil to anyone, but always persue what is good for one another and for all” 1 Thess 5 v 15 NIV
My boys are not the morality police. Nor can they fix everything. But in this as in everything, I want them to know that regardless of their age they always have a role to play. I cannot ask my boys to go and shine their light every day if that doesn’t include standing up for those who fall victim to bullies. Just like with poverty, wrongdoing, injustice, I tell them that our silence amounts to our consent and I encourage them not only to look for opportunities to be good to people (like taking extra tuck money for kids who never get tuck money) but to play their part in fostering an inclusive environment at school and looking out for peers who might need it.
Stand up for those who need it:
“Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to death; don’t stand back and let them die. Don’t try to disclaim responsibility by saying you didn’t know about it. For God, who knows hearts, knows yours, and he knows you knew! And he will reward everyone according to their deeds.” Prov 24 v 11-12 (LBE)
I have made sure that they know what bullying is (actions where the goal is to cause harm, on purpose and repeatedly) – and also what it isn’t, and to be on the lookout for it in their little sphere of influence.
One of the ways my boys can honor God in their school is to portray His love for justice, to defend the timid and encourage the weak.
Be a courageous confronter:
I want my boys to not only notice vulnerable people but present themselves as defenders of the underdog if the situation calls for it. And no, not with their fists, but with loud and direct words. We have reviewed phrases and acted out scenarios to build their confidence for these types of situations. Using a loud voice not only draws the attention of (hopefully close by) supervising adults, but also increases the self-awareness of the bully, which might – even just temporarily – halt the bad actions.
“Hey, why are you doing that?”
“I know you might be in a bad mood/ going through a tough time/ whatever, but don’t take it out on so-and-so!”
Two by two:
Of course, my first instinct is to tell the boys to just stay out of it. But that actually goes against what I believe and the kind of boys I want to raise. And so if they have to possibly place themselves into difficult situations, I tell them to do it with someone else (preferably each other). Two is better than one, especially if you need a witness and especially if you are confronting someone who is older than you.
Pray for the victim:
For every response we might have in the flesh we must always rise up in the spirit. When my boys tell me about a bad situation at school, and we pray together for those affected, it bolsters both their faith and their confidence in prayer as an intentional action against the hardships of life. This is the prayer we offer up:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for our friend who is being bullied. May he/she seek you and may you answer him/her and deliver him/ her from all his/ her fears. May they look to you and gain a radiant face, not blushed in shame or confusion, because your word says when we cry to you, you hear us and you save us from our troubles (Ps 34 v 4-6). I pray for his/ her safety, that eventhough they walk in the midst of trouble, that you will revive him/ her. Stretch out your hand Father God against the wrath of his/ her enemy and stretch our your right hand to save him/ her (Ps 138 v7)
WHEN THEY ARE BEING BULLIED:
Be a sleuth:
Every time someone is nasty to you, they are not necessarily bullying you. But if you see a pattern, don’t just ignore a situation that you can discern will escalate. Take notes of instances and build a case. Schools sometimes tend to deal with these situations in a “conflict resolution” style, which is not always appropriate, as it can make the victim feel like they elicited the abuse and now we must “all say we are sorry to each other”. Bullying is behaviour that is actually surfacing another issue, mostly one that started at home. So that is where all anti-bullying efforts should start. Make a case (the boys take notes and if there is any physical evidence we take photos ) and push back so the school can actively engage the parents of the bully and provide support if needed. I encourage the boys to take notes of dates and times and situations.
Use non-violent words in a loud way:
We have taught the boys to use this question: “What is your problem with me?”. And they have used it to diffuse many escalating situations. Confrontation helps both you as the victim as it causes a pause in an escalating situation. I know that many Christian parents might teach their kids to “turn the other cheek”, but in instances of bullying the ideal outcome for my kids would be not getting angry or getting even, but that the boys grow in courage and confidence. In John 18 when Jesus was confronted by the High Priest and then slapped by an officer, this is what Jesus replied:
“If I have said anything wrong, make a formal statement about the wrong; but if I spoke properly, why did you strike me?”.
A reasoned pushback can be disarming. It may just be that the one time you confront him, your efforts form part of a domino effect that will end up helping this person see how their behaviour is not only harming others but setting them on a path of destruction. Every bully is some mother’s child!
Defending yourself and being hurtful is not the same thing and ensuring that you push back, verbally with a wide and confident stance, while at the same time not being abusive or demeaning to the other person (thereby turning you into a bully yourself!) is a fine line that takes a lot of discussions – especially with younger kids and considering the emotions relating to these types of situations.
But I always circle back with the boys to the truth about their position in Jesus, that they are always approaching from a place of victory, not towards it.
Do not give in to fear:
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power and of love and of a sound mind” 2 Tim 1 v 17
Even in how I respond when my kids tell me about an incident where they may have been the victim (yes, I don’t like that word but let’s just use it for now for the sake of clarity!) it’s important to not make room for fear. They read much about how serious they should take the indignity or offence by how I react to them telling me about it. Of course on the inside, I am often seething. Of course on the inside, there are few things more frustrating than being in a position where you cannot defend your young. I’d rather be on hold with Eskom that experience that sense of powerlessness. But fear is demoralising and depressing even if you are a kid! I address the hurt caused by the rejection or hurt from others in my previous blog.
Being quick to forgive liberates us from the sting of hurt or rejection and fosters true inner strength.
Be a proactive peacemaker:
“Blessed (spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor) are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they will (express His character and) be called the sons of God.”(Matt 5 v 9)
If we want an environment where people treat us with respect, we must treat them with respect. If we want an environment where others have grace with our transgressions we must have grace with theirs. In order to find creative ways to confront and deal with bullies, I’ve asked the boys to think about how they would want someone to approach and deal with them should they be the cause of strive at school and – in that – to remember the golden rule, to treat others the way we want to be treated, even when we are at our worst.
It’s easy to love our friends, it’s hard to love peers who are prickly!
Pray for the bully:
“But I say to you who hear Me and pay attention to my words:”Love (that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for) your enemies, make it a practice to do good to those who hate you, bless and show kindness to those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.”Luke 6 v 27-28
We pray something along these lines:
Dear Lord, today we want to pray for <enter bully’s name here>. You know the realities of his life that has lead him to this point. I want to pray that you would give him a soft heart, and put your Spirit inside him and remove his hard heart (Ex 36 v 26). I want to pray that you will bring people into His life that will reflect to him the way you see him, and that you will guide me if I must be one of those people.
A straight word to us as parents:
Firstly: Anti-bullying laws are not helpful. WE (not teachers or the government) are responsible to teach our children how to treat others. No law is going to teach them that. Read any letter that Paul wrote and you will soon deduce this truth, that a law can give us a consciousness of sin, but it provides no power to overcome it. Our laws are no different, just think about it. Anti-bullying laws have the potential to victimise or even criminalise someone who at the root likely already have their own trauma. Of course, a bully should be punished, but there is no point in perpetuating the cycle of violence instead of addressing the root problems that some kids are facing.
Secondly: Yes, you would hope that teachers would take seriously their responsibility for the safety of our kids when they are at school. But despite the old adage, teachers do not have eyes behind their heads and they cannot see everything. It remains our responsibility to connect daily with our kids on more than just homework and assignments and activities, to prioritise the time we spend pursuing open channels of communication where our kids have our undivided (as in no phone) attention. It is not the child’s responsibility to share this stuff with you. You are responsible to avail yourself of how your kid is feeling and how he is dealing with difficult situations at school. We are responsible for creating spaces for our kids to feel free to share. I believe that one of the biggest reasons for the rise in bullying in schools is the total and utter breakdown of families and family structures. We work longer, we see our kids less, we no longer prioritise in line with God’s word and the foundations of marriages and families are frail and unstable. As adults, we are failing our kids. We give them access to everything from private school education to tablets and smartphones and world-class coaching and extramural activities that will turn them into early astronauts, but we fail to give them access to us, our undivided attention, a view into our walk with Jesus, a firm grasp on home taught family values.
Go to war in prayer Momma, for your family, for your school (and all it’s families) and your community.
Sep 20, 2017 | Bible, Children, Christianity, Discipline, Faith, Family, God, Grace, Parenting |
He walks up to meet me after school, feet dragging, face hanging. A hard day, a hurting day. At first he doesn’t want to share it, but the crumpled note spills out of his backpack and tears spill onto his cheeks and my heart just breaks as he explains. I can spot a list of lies like a fake pair of Ugg boots, but to this 8-year-old soul, the list must be true, especially since it was written by a friend. Maybe I should say, a “friend” <just picture me making snarky air commas in your imagination>.
Even a list of lies can hurt hard.
And so we have the conversation about rejection. The sermon I’ve had to preach to my 39-year-old heart a few times this year.
First forgive: The hard work that feels like the vegetables on the plate of each believer. Get the hard stuff over with first! It’s hard to forgive. Period. And the brussel sprouts? It’s harder still to forgive someone who might never even say they are sorry. But the work (and it is work) of forgiveness is not contingent on an apology. And straight up: the level of difficulty is the same whether your 8 years old or 39 years young. We have to set our pride aside, draw close to the Gospel, realise that God holds nothing against us because of Jesus and so we can’t hold anything against someone else, and then let go of the offence. Although it’s not fun to see my son hurting, it’s a great opportunity to explore stories and examples in God’s word that shine the spotlight on Christ’s work of forgiveness towards us and take the conversation from there.
See what’s true about you: A couple of minutes in front of the mirror quickly proved that this particular list did not hold up to the facts. But the real lies that I wanted to deal with where the insidious unseen ones that could so easily take root in his little heart and mind. Just like any of us, he was going to internalise the actions and thoughts of this person towards him in a certain way. I wanted to address the faulty circuitry of the negative self-talk that this could cause in my son, right up front – because I know how hard it has been for me to rewire my thoughts to God’s truth this late in my life. Speak life over your children Mommas – take every chance you get! Provide the alternative to that inner voice that says “You are not good enough”.
Because the kid who has an enemy at school has a friend Jesus. And the one who had a nasty list written about them has his name written in the palm of God’s hand. And the kid who is not “good enough” to be included/ selected/ invited was deemed worth dying for by the King of Kings. No list of flaws, whether real or 100% made up, can undo that.
See that rejection is a part of life: We all face it, and it moves fairly swiftly as we get older from not being invited to that birthday party to being judged as less than or not good enough for <I know you have something you can insert here>…But much more vital than my son understanding that rejection is a reality I want him to see that in his rejection, he is identifying with Jesus. Betrayed by a friend, judged harshly by religious people (his own people!) misunderstood and misquoted, not well liked, in fact downright unpopular in some circles. It hurts to be (mis)judged and misunderstood, it hurts not be known, but Jesus misses nothing, He knows that and he knows us. Oh, the comfort of that! When we feel at our most rejected we draw nearer to where we are most accepted. Jesus knows! He knows rejection and He knows us. When we share scriptures like Isaiah 54 v 3 or Psalm 55 and others with our kids in times of betrayal or rejection and share the stories behind them, we are also shedding light for them on the supreme relevance of God’s Word to their little lives right now.
There is a reason why people do what they do and sometimes that reason has nothing to do with you!
Hurting people hurt people and once my kids understood that it was easy to talk about a bully or a meanie as someone who might actually be in need of our compassion and prayer. Enter teachable moment about praying for our enemies (more veggies anyone?). God calls us to regard no one in the flesh, (2 Cor 5 v16) but to see people the way He sees them and when we do that we can’t not feel compelled to pray for them.
See others differently: Once we have been a rejecTEE we can be so much more sensitive to not being a RejecTOR (and we can take the opportunity to repent of all the times our words or actions might have made someone feel the way we just felt!) Remembering the feeling is only useful if it helps us grow. I explained to him how this will actually help him be a better friend to others and a better brother to The Elder. Harsh standards and stiff yardsticks destroy friendships and hurt hearts. But we learn to be gentle with people when someone has been harsh with us.
See meaning: Another hard but true lesson for this momma this year was that man’s rejection is sometimes God’s redirection. Nothing escapes purpose in the life of a believer, thank you Jesus! I had an opportunity to share with The Younger about this particular lesson in my life and how I saw afterwards that Rom 8v 28 is really true and God can be trusted.
When people make a list of our shortcomings (whether real or made up) our first and most natural response is to want to make a list of our own that proves them wrong.
But the justified don’t need to justify.
Our egos want to “show” them, exercise revenge, force the situation in a direction that would make us feel ok again.
But we live by faith, not feelings.
And I would hate for my son’s choices (and by definition his life) to be driven by a desire to be right or a desire to be liked, neither of which are worthy goals for a child of God. Likability is completely overrated if your approval lies at an Unshakeable Source, and being right is irrelevant when you have been made right by One Perfect Act of Love. And that is where the peace is found, and the courage to move forward!
Sep 4, 2017 | Beauty, Bible, Discipleship, Discipline, Faith, Fashion, God, Grace, Wardrobe
Jip, one month to go and then I would’ve gone 10 months without indulging my serious fashion fetish. I feel the way my wardrobe looks – worn out! Soulsearching and exerting extreme willpower will do that to a girl!
But ok, this is what I realised: Once your salvation is secure, the best Satan can do is distract you, preoccupy you and keep you from maturing. The biggest battles in our lives, our biggest challenges and the things that place us on the precipice of progress or defeat in the faith is not the things we see, it is the things in the unseen.
If Satan can keep us from noticing what is happening in our hearts, his belt is notched with our inneffective insignificance.
The unexamined life is a tragedy, we all know this. Examining our lives is essential if we want to grow and progress, especially in the faith. But very often these ideals are just that – ideals, things we say as believers like we know them but we’ve never done them, certainly not at any deep level. That was me! I was poorer for it…
“Now therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts, “Consider your ways! “You have sown much, but harvest little; you eat, but there is not enough to be satisfied; you drink, but there is not enough to become drunk; you put on clothing, but no one is warm enough; and he who earns, earns wages to put into a purse with holes.” Thus says the LORD of hosts, “Consider your ways!” Haggai 1 v 5-7
In “considering my ways” in the last 10 months I have been so convicted about the fact that God’s heart towards me is undivided, but that my heart towards Him is fragmented into a million different pieces. I am an expert rationaliser, always quick to say this interest or that passion or this hobby or preoccupation or choice or this way of doing or thinking doesn’t take away from how I journey with God. I discovered otherwise. CS Lewis said that every time we make a choice, we are turning the central part of ourselves into something a little different than what it was before, and so in our life as a whole, through our innumerable choices, we are moving towards harmony with God or the opposite. When I took the time to “consider” it certainly shone a light on places in my life where I am not in step with Him.
So can I encourage you today?
To get uncomfortable: Listen Lovely, this is a corner piece of the puzzle right here. Because your comfort is the single biggest thing opposing your spiritual progress. Because it’s only in a state of discomfort that we can grow. So, launch yourself hard out of your comfort zone, challenge yourself hard on the areas in your life you thought had nothing to do with God… believe me, revelations await as your reward and progress as your prize.
To hear His voice louder: Sometimes we care more about what they say or the scale says than what He says. When was the last time you spent time anchoring yourself in His opinion of you? Digging for that gold in His word is a reset button for the mind and the heart, making us more able to set our hearts on the things above. You know, as opposed to setting it on what Olivia Pope is wearing in The Fixer or how many (or few?) likes that post got?
To think about That Day more than this day: So that today’s pursuits and passions and even pleasures will always have the end in sight. Because when I get to heaven I am pretty certain I am not going to say: ” I wish I had bought more clothes!” or “I wish I was more on trend!” or “I wish my cupboard looked like Khloe Kardashian’s!”
To ask the difficult question: Which in this case for me was “What is God’s greatest competition in my life?” Honey, I promise you answering this question is a worthwhile quest. What competes for your time, your money, your headspace, your attention. Is it your comfort? Is it your kids? Is it what other people think? Is it the Instagram body or the Pinterest life?
So hey, why not start your own movement, and move yourself forward in the faith! Because that is what happens when you let God into an area of your life that you thought had nothing to do with Him.
Part of maturing is letting God have Lordship over every area of our lives, even areas we thought was “separate” from Him. So whether it be #wearwhatsthere or #lovewhatsthere or #livewhatsthere or #overcomewhatsthere or #dowhatsthere…Why not do something that will take you to that place?
“Take away the dross from the silver and there comes out the pure metal for a vessel for the silversmith to shape” Prov 25 v4
