I have a friend that everything comes easy for. Doesn’t everyone? That one girl who just (looks like she) breezes through life, hair that requires no blowdrying, a figure that doesn’t require calorie restriction, kids who require no bribing or threatening, a confidence that doesn’t require herculean effort and all the things/ opportunities/ experiences/ achievements I wish where a part of my life. Can you relate?
We have never been faced with more temptation to envy others than today! We know we shouldn’t give in to it, that God isn’t cool with it and that entertaining envy does not your best life make. And yet, we are not as on our guard as we should be as we assess (judge?) the lives of others and we harbour and hide thousands of tiny resentments towards others and ultimately towards God about the comparisons we are inevitably drawing. Because that is what envy is, “a feeling of discontentment and resentment aroused by another’s desirable possessions or qualities, accompanied by a strong desire to have them for oneself”. Can anyone say: “I want what she’s having!”?
I struggle with this. So much so that I had to work out some anchor points for my own weary soul that I would easily remember when my green-eyed frenemy rears its head! In those moments I need some basic tools to steady my heart and direct my thoughts.
See more clearly what you hold dearly
When you clicked to open this blog you had a particular person in mind. Someone you experience a funny twinge in your heart over. I know you don’t want to call it envy, but that is straight up what it is. I think sometimes we walk with something below the surface for so long and we never call it into the light, name it and shame it. And that is why it continues to hold sway and privately shame us.
Once we get honest about envy, the upside is that we are taking an opportunity to look with greater honesty at the condition of our hearts. Envy can bring to the surface that which we would’ve otherwise kept hidden from ourselves and God, deep desires, hopes, dreams, wishes, beliefs that maybe we’ve never even been brave enough to verbalise.
What we envy is a revelation of what we covet.
Ps 37 v 4 God gives a promise, “Make God the utmost delight and pleasure of your life, and he will provide you what you desire most”
When we rest in the promises the rest will follow.
God can give this promise because he knows that if our delight is in the right place (with Him, coveting Him above everything) our desires will be aligned as well. Because when we put Him as the object of our delight, what we desire will no longer be in competition with our affections for Him in our lives, and then “all these things will be added unto us”(Matt 6 v 33). The Bible actually makes amazing promises about what God will gift into the lives of those who make Him their object of delight and desire. Just check out Rom 8v 32/ 1 Cor 3 v 21 – 23.
When envy’s at the table, love is not able
“ Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor.” 1 Cor 14 v 4- 5 TPT
Let’s be brutally honest here. You can kind of talk yourself out of envying strangers. It’s a bit removed from your life and you don’t feel directly affected by it. But it’s harder when it’s someone you are journeying with. Because the things you envy about that person is more in your face, the opportunities for comparison more consistent. Plus you care more and feel more personally affected by it as you compare her life to yours.
And when you do that, right then, you are no longer able to rejoice when she is rejoicing (too resentful to rejoice) or empathize when she is sad (because you’re happy that finally, something in her charmed life is less than ideal. Please, don’t look so shocked!).
Right then, you judge whatever you can find to judge so you can feel like at least a tiny bit like you’re a Christian, wife, mom, whatever than her.
Right then, you can no longer be in her life what she needs OR who God called you to be.
If you have a friendship where envy has been given a seat at the table, ultimately love loses and leaves. And pretty soon, if left unchecked, envy will invite malice and slander to join in to poison your heart and your friendship. And then the devil wins. I don’t want that for my friendships, do you?
When we see her as God’s creation, envy can turn to admiration
Because for all our talk of tribe and gathering and sisterhood we are all still really terrible at cheering instead of jeering, we all still battle to support other women wholeheartedly and well and honestly and authentically wishing our sisters success. For all our lipservice to the contrary, we as women remain our own biggest enemy, the self-sabotage of our own collective efforts. We are all those people and isn’t it tragic! Even more tragic for the girls we are raising!
When we envy someone, we will not, cannot acknowledge their significance and the part they are playing in God’s story. Ironically we also lose sight of our significance and our part in the story! But being genuinely happy for someone and invested in them is very freeing. The best way to do that is to
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Pray for that person. It’s very hard to harden your heart towards someone you are praying for.
- Actively be happy for the women in your tribe. Hand out likes, hugs, compliments and support like there is more than enough to go around, because there is. Do it like it’s your job! Because it is!
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Ask God to help you see them the way He sees them. He calls us to “ regard no one in the flesh” (2 Cor 5 v 16). Holding on to God’s picture of her, will help you see her through the lens of grace.
“Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit, let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.” Gal 5 v 25 – 26
God is faithful, focus on being grateful
Ultimately, envy is a faith issue. Because we are looking at what someone else has and we are “believing” that we need that as well in order to be fully satisfied. At the root of envy is unbelief, because as we look at someone else’s life with envy we begin to lose our trust in God, our peace in our circumstances and our contentment. So ultimately it’s an expression of discontent in what we have and where we are at and a distrust that God has a plan for us. Contentment counteracts envy. This is why the Psalmist in Psalm 37 (v3 – 6) maps a path out of envy by encouraging us to:
- Keep trusting God
- Ponder His Faithfulness
- Fix your heart on His Promises
- Get validation and approval from Him
- Be honest with Him in prayer (ummm, see point1)
Own your space, run your race
Envy derails us and defiles us (Mark 7 v 20 – 23) warping our perspective and stealing our potential because we are too busy focussing on what is happening in someone else’s life. Life is no longer a journey with others, but a flat-out competition. On the outside, you might still be wearing the mask of friendship, but on the inside, even subconsciously, this person is no longer journeying with you but racing against you. And you are losing. And human nature, when we feel ourselves at the wrong end of the balance of power in a situation, is to try to restore the balance in a twisted attempt to help ourselves feel better. And soon you find yourself in a sick cycle of comparison, envy, bitterness, discontentment. Not focussing on your calling, not pursuing your purpose, not nurturing your passion, not owning where God’s placed you or the race before you. Don’t let envy steal your energy. We are all responsible for where our zeal, our passion, our energy goes. God’s zeal, his passion, is always for bringing about His purposes. Our zeal should be for the fulfillment of our calling, which is to make Him known. When our eyes are on what someone else is doing, it’s not on the work that is in front of us, and our energy leaks away!
“Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you’ve been given and then sink yourself into that (devote yourself to that!). Don’t be impressed with yourself, don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.” Gal 6 v 4 – 5
Devotion to your calling is a weapon against the distraction of envy
Whatever we envy in others we are unfit to carry ourselves, but what we honor and celebrate in others we position ourselves to receive – Lisa Bevere
If you want to be free, bend a knee
Every battle starts in prayer ya’ll. When we confess our sins He is faithful and just. When we confess our true desires that is causing envy in us, He is not surprised and His heart is always tender towards us. Envy enslaves and afflicts – but God is always fighting to keep our lives free. Join the fight by getting on your knees. It’s my prayer for all of us as women to start being the cheerleaders that we all need
Mother Teresa said when we are busy judging people, we don’t have time to love them. Maybe, just maybe, we can all believe together Mommas, that when we are busy (as in actively engaging in) loving one another, maybe we won’t have time to be so judgy?
